Luckywanda
New member
Dear all,
I have been reading a lot here over the last few months and it has helped me a lot. Now that I am in a sad and confusing situation, I would appreciate your opinions. Please excuse my bumpy English and that my text is a bit long.
About a year and a half ago, I started seeing a man more often whom I had known for a while. We got on very well and became closer.
Then about a year ago he opened up to me that he has had a partner for years and he described this relationship as non-monogamous. At the same time, he told me that he also wanted a relationship with me.
At first I was shocked because I tend to be afraid of connection and potential hurt anyway. The fact that this connection was to be non-monogamous added to the difficulty. I had not rejected the concept before, but it was my first real contact with it.
After initial difficulties, we started to communicate a lot. I learned to identify and express my needs. Together we found ways to deal with my insecurities and jealousy. And we realised that our ideas of (polyamorous) relationships were very similar. In all of this, this forum helped me enormously (thanks again!) I have never before learned so much about relationships as I did in those months.
In the meantime, my metamour broke up with my partner without giving him any real reason. He was pretty devastated, and he then also told me for the first time that she had a special meaning in his life - but things were still going very well between the two of us. When they met again a few weeks later, she realised how much he meant to her and they decided to try again.
This marked the beginning of months of nerve-wracking arguments for the two of them, during which my metamour addressed many of the problems in their relationship and many of her needs probably for the first time (after years of being in a relationship!). At the same time, it also became apparent that she had many fears and insecurities that had to do with his relationship with me. My metamour wanted to work on that though, as she said. She also wanted to get to know me, which I initially refused out of anxiety and insecurity.
In the meantime, things were going very well between me and my partner and he managed well not to carry over the problems he had with my metamour to our relationship. At the same time, however, I was only now really realising how much she meant to him and becoming anxious that he might end up deciding to have a monogamous relationship with her. When I addressed these fears, however, he said that would not happen and renewed his affirmation that he wanted a relationship with me. I decided to face my fears head on and meet the metamour.
In the meantime, however, she had found out for herself that she wanted a monogamous relationship, had also told my partner this and announced that she would very probably break up with him. I only found out about this during my meeting with her, which she only wanted in order to feel whether she really couldn't cope with the situation and my relationship with our shared partner. At the same time, she also told me that many problems in her relationship with our partner had only been catalysed by me, that she had actually always been an advocate of non-monogamous relationships and had benefited more than he had for years.
Unfortunately, I can only tell you what happened next from second-hand accounts and my partner's report: Two days later she broke up with my partner, accusing him of all sorts of things. Instead of leaving afterwards, they started talking and realised that they didn't really want to break up because they loved each other so much. By the end of the evening, my partner had decided on a gut feeling (his words) to break up with me instead.
Now they want to try to have a monogamous relationship, which my partner always strictly refused before and he - again his words - is only doing now because he loves her so much.
Now I am going through a whole range of contradictory and confusing emotions:
1. mourning the loss of my partner and the end of our relationship, which I thought was a very good and promising one (and I guess he did too until a few days ago).
2. disappointment and anger that he is leaving me for another person who seems to have a very poor access to her emotions, realises many things only very late and obviously cannot communicate her needs in a relationship well. At the same time I am trying to understand my ex-partner as he made this difficult decision out of his great love for her.
3. anger that he may have lied to himself for months by saying he does not want hierarchical non-monogamy. He described this notion as inhuman. In the end it turned out that there was probably a hierarchy after all, wasn't there?
4. anger and annoyance at the metamour that she has this difficult access to her emotions and that I have to suffer this. At the same time I try to understand her, because in the end everyone has the right to change their mind about polyamory, don't they? Or, in the end, does she only have a problem with polyamory if her partner has another committed relationship?
5. I try not to fall into the trap of hoping that my ex-partner might regret his gut decision and choose me after all, in order not to delay the processing and grieving process. But at the same time, it's all I really want.
6. regret that I was not ready to meet the metamour at an earlier stage. Maybe things would have turned out differently, who knows?
7. on the plus side, I don't feel my worth as a person has been questioned by this breakup (unlike previous breakups) and also think I haven't made any mistakes (except maybe number 6).
8. as a lesson from this experience, I also do not question for myself that polyamorous relationships can work. However, in the future I would try to find out more about what issues and dynamics are present in potential partners' other relationships from the beginning.
Writing all this down has already done me a lot of good. Still, I would be grateful if you could write your impressions or hints.
Sorry again for the long and perhaps confusing story!
I have been reading a lot here over the last few months and it has helped me a lot. Now that I am in a sad and confusing situation, I would appreciate your opinions. Please excuse my bumpy English and that my text is a bit long.
About a year and a half ago, I started seeing a man more often whom I had known for a while. We got on very well and became closer.
Then about a year ago he opened up to me that he has had a partner for years and he described this relationship as non-monogamous. At the same time, he told me that he also wanted a relationship with me.
At first I was shocked because I tend to be afraid of connection and potential hurt anyway. The fact that this connection was to be non-monogamous added to the difficulty. I had not rejected the concept before, but it was my first real contact with it.
After initial difficulties, we started to communicate a lot. I learned to identify and express my needs. Together we found ways to deal with my insecurities and jealousy. And we realised that our ideas of (polyamorous) relationships were very similar. In all of this, this forum helped me enormously (thanks again!) I have never before learned so much about relationships as I did in those months.
In the meantime, my metamour broke up with my partner without giving him any real reason. He was pretty devastated, and he then also told me for the first time that she had a special meaning in his life - but things were still going very well between the two of us. When they met again a few weeks later, she realised how much he meant to her and they decided to try again.
This marked the beginning of months of nerve-wracking arguments for the two of them, during which my metamour addressed many of the problems in their relationship and many of her needs probably for the first time (after years of being in a relationship!). At the same time, it also became apparent that she had many fears and insecurities that had to do with his relationship with me. My metamour wanted to work on that though, as she said. She also wanted to get to know me, which I initially refused out of anxiety and insecurity.
In the meantime, things were going very well between me and my partner and he managed well not to carry over the problems he had with my metamour to our relationship. At the same time, however, I was only now really realising how much she meant to him and becoming anxious that he might end up deciding to have a monogamous relationship with her. When I addressed these fears, however, he said that would not happen and renewed his affirmation that he wanted a relationship with me. I decided to face my fears head on and meet the metamour.
In the meantime, however, she had found out for herself that she wanted a monogamous relationship, had also told my partner this and announced that she would very probably break up with him. I only found out about this during my meeting with her, which she only wanted in order to feel whether she really couldn't cope with the situation and my relationship with our shared partner. At the same time, she also told me that many problems in her relationship with our partner had only been catalysed by me, that she had actually always been an advocate of non-monogamous relationships and had benefited more than he had for years.
Unfortunately, I can only tell you what happened next from second-hand accounts and my partner's report: Two days later she broke up with my partner, accusing him of all sorts of things. Instead of leaving afterwards, they started talking and realised that they didn't really want to break up because they loved each other so much. By the end of the evening, my partner had decided on a gut feeling (his words) to break up with me instead.
Now they want to try to have a monogamous relationship, which my partner always strictly refused before and he - again his words - is only doing now because he loves her so much.
Now I am going through a whole range of contradictory and confusing emotions:
1. mourning the loss of my partner and the end of our relationship, which I thought was a very good and promising one (and I guess he did too until a few days ago).
2. disappointment and anger that he is leaving me for another person who seems to have a very poor access to her emotions, realises many things only very late and obviously cannot communicate her needs in a relationship well. At the same time I am trying to understand my ex-partner as he made this difficult decision out of his great love for her.
3. anger that he may have lied to himself for months by saying he does not want hierarchical non-monogamy. He described this notion as inhuman. In the end it turned out that there was probably a hierarchy after all, wasn't there?
4. anger and annoyance at the metamour that she has this difficult access to her emotions and that I have to suffer this. At the same time I try to understand her, because in the end everyone has the right to change their mind about polyamory, don't they? Or, in the end, does she only have a problem with polyamory if her partner has another committed relationship?
5. I try not to fall into the trap of hoping that my ex-partner might regret his gut decision and choose me after all, in order not to delay the processing and grieving process. But at the same time, it's all I really want.
6. regret that I was not ready to meet the metamour at an earlier stage. Maybe things would have turned out differently, who knows?
7. on the plus side, I don't feel my worth as a person has been questioned by this breakup (unlike previous breakups) and also think I haven't made any mistakes (except maybe number 6).
8. as a lesson from this experience, I also do not question for myself that polyamorous relationships can work. However, in the future I would try to find out more about what issues and dynamics are present in potential partners' other relationships from the beginning.
Writing all this down has already done me a lot of good. Still, I would be grateful if you could write your impressions or hints.
Sorry again for the long and perhaps confusing story!