Whereas to me, polyamory means you agree to let your partner love others, and directly opposes any restrictions on how they may love them. Non-monogamous relationships which restrict love with others are "open." So when the OP said they were in an open relationship, I assumed that they could have sex with others, casual stuff only.
Partner disagrees on "allowed" levels of romantic intensity
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Eponine
Active member
Yeah, I think polyamory generally entails more freedom and less restriction than open relationships, because open relationships are often only sexually open. But some poly people do have a lot of rules to restrict their partner's behaviors (usually to protect a primary relationship), and some people use "open relationship" and "polyamory" interchangeably, so what exactly poly or open means depends on the individuals involved. But if I hear someone say they're in an open relationship, I'm also likely to assume they can only have casual sex with others.
Emm
Stealth Mod
And yet you see so many people posting here about how they're "allowed to be poly" as long as it's only with someone of the same sex, or only if they don't do [a specific sexual act] in [a specific geographical location], or only on alternate Tuesdays, after approval from all existing partners, and the production of STD test results in triplicate. They may be different rules, but they're still there for many relationships.
I would define "open" more as "anything goes," where there are very few rules to break. Both loving relationships and casual sex would fit into that, but if it were a casual-sex-only, no-feelings-allowed type of thing, I would categorise it as swinging, rather than open.
LovelyFuture
New member
Hmmm, this is all very interesting to read! It seems people have different ideas of the definition of things:
London
Polyamory: you agree to let your partner love others and directly oppose any restrictions on how they may love them.
Open Relationship: Non-monogamous relationships which restrict love with others. Casual sex only.
Eponine
Polyamory: more freedom than open relationships; some poly people do have a lot of rules to restrict their partner's behaviors.
Open Relationship: can only have casual sex with others.
Note: some people use "open relationship" and "polyamory" interchangeably, so what exactly poly or open means depends on the individuals involved.
Emm
Polyamory: can sometimes be very heavy on rules/restrictions.
Open Relationship: "anything goes," where there are very few rules to break; includes loving relationships and casual sex.
Swinging: casual sex only, no feelings allowed.
London
Polyamory: you agree to let your partner love others and directly oppose any restrictions on how they may love them.
Open Relationship: Non-monogamous relationships which restrict love with others. Casual sex only.
Eponine
Polyamory: more freedom than open relationships; some poly people do have a lot of rules to restrict their partner's behaviors.
Open Relationship: can only have casual sex with others.
Note: some people use "open relationship" and "polyamory" interchangeably, so what exactly poly or open means depends on the individuals involved.
Emm
Polyamory: can sometimes be very heavy on rules/restrictions.
Open Relationship: "anything goes," where there are very few rules to break; includes loving relationships and casual sex.
Swinging: casual sex only, no feelings allowed.
IndieSolo
Active member
Your boyfriend sounds immature and quite possessive. If I were you, I'd break up with him for thinking he could dictate to me how I conduct my relationships. Even though he says it's not about ownership, his views that you are something he "shares" just a little with people, and that you are not allowed to live your life as you see fit, screams ownership very loudly. People can't make rules for other people; they can only establish personal boundaries for themselves. DTMFA.
I am sorry you and your bf are not on the same page, and didn't foresee this issue coming up.
Your bf may think he's being kind and loving, "allowing" you to have sex with and have limited romantic feelings for others. Now he's coming up against your passionate side-- you can't limit your feelings, you love intensely. This is your nature.
We can't change our feelings. However, we can decide how to act upon our feelings. Until recently, you didn't meet anyone whom you wanted to spend lots of time with besides bf. I feel sad you broke off your previous "intense" relationship to please your bf. Do you carry resentment from that? Disappointment?
And now another hot potential has come along, and you're not gonna give up so easily. You want to spend 1-7 days a week with him, but your bf is not comfortable with that amount of time. I don't really blame him, as that is a lot to ask after being nearly mono for years.
Can you compromise? See New Guy on the lower end of your desire, say, twice a week? Could your bf deal with that if he were getting lots of your undivided attention on the other days? It's up to you to show you can handle two intense relationships without letting either feel neglected. It will be hard for your bf, who is used to things being one way. This will test your relationship. Can he deal, or will he bail? Can you respect his "growing-into-poly pains" and go more slowly, as he gets used to the idea of what you really want from polyamory now?
Your bf may think he's being kind and loving, "allowing" you to have sex with and have limited romantic feelings for others. Now he's coming up against your passionate side-- you can't limit your feelings, you love intensely. This is your nature.
We can't change our feelings. However, we can decide how to act upon our feelings. Until recently, you didn't meet anyone whom you wanted to spend lots of time with besides bf. I feel sad you broke off your previous "intense" relationship to please your bf. Do you carry resentment from that? Disappointment?
And now another hot potential has come along, and you're not gonna give up so easily. You want to spend 1-7 days a week with him, but your bf is not comfortable with that amount of time. I don't really blame him, as that is a lot to ask after being nearly mono for years.
Can you compromise? See New Guy on the lower end of your desire, say, twice a week? Could your bf deal with that if he were getting lots of your undivided attention on the other days? It's up to you to show you can handle two intense relationships without letting either feel neglected. It will be hard for your bf, who is used to things being one way. This will test your relationship. Can he deal, or will he bail? Can you respect his "growing-into-poly pains" and go more slowly, as he gets used to the idea of what you really want from polyamory now?
Adding: when we have a partner already, as ethical poly sluts, when we meet a new person, we really can't act like a mono person with no responsibilities. I mean, we can, but imo, that wouldn't be ethical.
We can't just swan off into NREland with New Person, neglecting our other lover(s). That would be very rude! We take original lover's feelings into consideration. We may feel like seeing new person every day; having sleepovers sooner rather than later; gushing about New Person to our other lover, even!
No, we just can't do that. Polyamory takes more finesse and control than that.
We can't just swan off into NREland with New Person, neglecting our other lover(s). That would be very rude! We take original lover's feelings into consideration. We may feel like seeing new person every day; having sleepovers sooner rather than later; gushing about New Person to our other lover, even!
No, we just can't do that. Polyamory takes more finesse and control than that.
idealist
Member
Part of the issue is that you have set up the relationship with your SO as a situation where your see each other "all the time." One thing you could do is put the secondary relationship on hold altogether and re-structure your relationship with your SO so that you are not together all the time. Get used to having gaps and time apart. Get comfortable with that.
Then, when the original relationship is working well with gaps and time apart, you could introduce a second relationship into your life.
As far as the intensity goes, I have an incredibly intense secondary relationship, but I don't have to go to my SO and swoon about it. It is not necessary for me to demonstrate how intense my secondary relationship is to my SO. My SO likes the other guy, and he approves of our relationship. I don't have to roll my eyes to the back of my head and say, "Oh my god-- this is so intense," to my SO. I can simply say "I had a really good time with Lee last night."
Also, my SO has a girlfriend. I can tell when he has had an intense night with her. He can actually tell me more because I am okay with him having an intense relationship with another woman.
The point is, we have adjusted to having time away from each other, without feeling like there is something missing in our relationship, and we have adjusted how much we share with each other, according to our individual comfort levels.
Hope this helps.
Then, when the original relationship is working well with gaps and time apart, you could introduce a second relationship into your life.
As far as the intensity goes, I have an incredibly intense secondary relationship, but I don't have to go to my SO and swoon about it. It is not necessary for me to demonstrate how intense my secondary relationship is to my SO. My SO likes the other guy, and he approves of our relationship. I don't have to roll my eyes to the back of my head and say, "Oh my god-- this is so intense," to my SO. I can simply say "I had a really good time with Lee last night."
Also, my SO has a girlfriend. I can tell when he has had an intense night with her. He can actually tell me more because I am okay with him having an intense relationship with another woman.
The point is, we have adjusted to having time away from each other, without feeling like there is something missing in our relationship, and we have adjusted how much we share with each other, according to our individual comfort levels.
Hope this helps.
He seems to be worried about time management, and then demotion or displacement. Could you read poly hell together and talk about how to navigate that?
How about jealousy? Or more jealousy?
Figure out a time-management schedule to try out for a month, see how it goes. If it is not meeting all players' needs, jiggle it around the next month. Sometimes it takes a while to find what works, esp. as people's comfort levels are also adjusting.
HTH,
Galagirl
How about jealousy? Or more jealousy?
Figure out a time-management schedule to try out for a month, see how it goes. If it is not meeting all players' needs, jiggle it around the next month. Sometimes it takes a while to find what works, esp. as people's comfort levels are also adjusting.
HTH,
Galagirl
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I am not at all disagreeing with your definitions, but the whole casual sex with no or little emotional involvement seems like a slippery slope. Maybe it depends on how the person is psychologically built, but I expect for many, repeatedly sharing sex is going to lead to a feeling of emotional intimacy. For me, I might be able to keep it casual for awhile, but eventually, I will get attached. And if I don't, I would probably lose interest in having sex with that person. The OPs bf may be asking her to do something of which she is not capable in regards to keeping it casual.
Absolutely. Not everyone can have relationships where emotional availability is restricted. I can, but I have to know that this is the case from the start, so I actively put in boundaries that prevent us "going too far." If I were going to have a non-monogamous relationship with that rule, I would stick to swinging-like activities, just to avoid the drama. I did suggest to the OP that that could be an option for her, but from what she said, she seemed to want more than that.
LovelyFuture
New member
I am curious, Emm-- what do you think is ideal?
I appreciate your viewpoint, NYCindie, and I will say, part of me feels this way. I want to feel free to live my life how I like. A different part of me says that I should respect my partner's feelings, and give him what he wants, since I love him, and I am his only family, and he will be absolutely destroyed if I move out.
What can I say? I feel conflicted.
LovelyFuture
New member
Magdlyn, yes, I do suppose I carry some sadness from that... I feel as though I am not free to live my life to the fullest, because I may be hurting my partner.
Very true. It is a lot to ask to see someone (actually) 2-3 days a week after being nearly mono for so long. It's one thing to "say" you're open, and another to "do."
I think this is the method I will try. Boyfriend comes back in a couple days. We will have a sit-down talk. I will try to comfort and reassure him, as he's been a wreck because I've started another relationship while he's been away, and he's missing me very much. He actually also told me that he wants to have a talk alone with NewGuy, to assert himself as the main partner.
Yes, I suppose I was acting like a single poly with no responsibilities while Boyfriend was out of town.
Yes, true. I have respected Boyfriend's wishes that I don't engage in sex until he meets my new partners. But I have had a couple (non-sexual) sleepovers with NewGuy, and that also upsets Boyfriend, as he feels that I'm getting too close too fast to NewGuy. I'm not the kind to gush about NewGuy to Boyfriend, but I try to keep Boyfriend updated with when I am seeing NewGuy and what we are doing.
It's just hard to stay away from NewGuy when I feel like seeing him, and it seems so right and easy.
Fucking is fucking.
Love is love.
They can overlap. They don't have to. However, if you are the type where they do have to overlap, then you will have issues.
That said, I can do the "fucking is fucking" thing, but I cannot control whom I fall in love with. I hope people can understand that distinction. I can't force my hand on emotions. I just know I can do the FWB thing. So being forced into an emotional restriction while trying to maintain an open relationship would be a red flag.
You sound conflicted. But you shouldn't be. It doesn't sound like you can maintain what he wants. So either live monogamously, or you have to end it. Or maybe he would make a better secondary for you. Alter the relationship structure while maintaining your polyamorous relationship with him. Always a possibility.
Love is love.
They can overlap. They don't have to. However, if you are the type where they do have to overlap, then you will have issues.
That said, I can do the "fucking is fucking" thing, but I cannot control whom I fall in love with. I hope people can understand that distinction. I can't force my hand on emotions. I just know I can do the FWB thing. So being forced into an emotional restriction while trying to maintain an open relationship would be a red flag.
You sound conflicted. But you shouldn't be. It doesn't sound like you can maintain what he wants. So either live monogamously, or you have to end it. Or maybe he would make a better secondary for you. Alter the relationship structure while maintaining your polyamorous relationship with him. Always a possibility.
LovelyFuture
New member
Yes, Idealist, we are together all the time, because we live together, and work at home, together, on our business. So... Yeah. It's hard to be away. Even when I go away with friends for an afternoon, he really misses me. We've basically been attached at the hip for a few years. Of course, we fight and all, but we love each other, and enjoy each other's company.
I actually don't swoon about NewGuy to Boyfriend at all. I mostly have told Boyfriend that NewGuy is very nice and respectful, and has said he doesn't want to complicate my life. I think Boyfriend is recalling my last intense relationship (let's call him FirstIntenseGuy), and it's scaring Boyfriend this time around.
The last time, we went through an emotional hurricane, where Boyfriend was having breakdowns, trying to restrict my seeing FirstIntenseGuy, and felt like I was slipping away. I finally told him I wanted to move out to my own place, and continue seeing Boyfriend and FirstIntenseGuy. That was when Boyfriend put his foot down and told me that if I moved out, he'd be destroyed and wouldn't ever talk to me again. At Boyfriend's request, I started seeing FirstIntenseGuy less and less. I then surmised it just wasn't fair to FirstIntenseGuy for me to see him so little, so I cut it off for FirstIntenseGuy's and Boyfriend's sakes.
LovelyFuture
New member
Great articles, Galagirl, I will share these with him. I used one of the points from the articles, about recognizing your partner's grief as valid, and I told him on the phone that I recognize his grief and that he feels he is losing something, and that really made him feel better. Thank you.
I will try the time-management schedule. I'll be honest, part of me cringes at the idea of having to be regimented, as I am at heart a free-flow kind of person, but I don't see any other option right now.
LovelyFuture
New member
It's true, bookbug, I am really not interested in having unemotional sex. I want to love the person I am having sex with.
Boyfriend told me last night that he is not interested in swinging. Boyfriend said, "I'm not saying you have to have unemotional sex; just don't get too intense. It's like friends with benefits-- you may be a little romantic, and even love them, but don't let it get crazy."
The problem with that is that "crazy" is a subjective term, and for someone who craves emotional as well as sexual intimacy, near impossible to achieve.
Haha. It's like buying a sports car with a governor, but one that will never actually work. Sorry, I am chuckling. That's a comical and difficult request. Emotions don't have valves.