Partner dont want more kids

L

Lvirablatira

New member
I am in a relationship with a man that was married and had a child with another partner when we met. During our relationship they decided to have a second child.
I did not have much to say in that and i got quite sad since me and my partner was also talking about having kids some day.

We did breake up due to this but got back togheter a few years later.
The issue now is that i still want kids. We have talked about it and he do not want to do it anymore. He is in a bad place in his life with his mother beeing very sick, he is going back to school and already have 2 children.

I understand his reasons and said that i will have a child on my own then. He said he will try to be there for me as much as he can but that i cant expect much from him.

I am so scared of what this has made with our relationship. He has given so much to his other partner in terms of time and effort with kids and now the resources are empty and i will have to make it on my own. I dont want this type of hierarchy that his decision created. Im afraid there will always be his ”biological” family and then there is me and my child.

Is there any way forward togheter in a situation like this? We love eachother so much and i want to make it work, but the rejection and lack of equality is so hard to move past even if i understand his reasons.
 
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He is being honest with what he has going on in his life. He has a right to not want more kids right now or ever. He is having a tough time with a sick mother and two kids to raise and it's too much.

You entered into a relationship with a married partner...there was never a time that your relationship would be equal. No relationships are equal. At this point you should look to add another partner to your life. One that wants kids possible life partnership or marriage, all the things you want.

You can stay in this relationship if you want or end it, but you need to find a relationship that can give you what you are looking for because your current partner cannot give you that.
 
i am already in the process of having a child on my own, insemination by a donor. I totally understand my partners reasons and accept it, even if im sad.
I just dont know how our relationship can survive this.
 
I think it can. If you accept and cherish what you do get from him, then it can go on. If you aren't happy with what you get from him, then you'll have to decide.

But you can add a relationship that can give you what you are looking for. This isn't monogamy. You can keep this relationship and find another to fulfill you in different ways.
 
Hello Lvirablatira,

I am sorry about the predicament you find yourself in: You will have to raise a child with little or no help from your partner, and it's all because he had a second child with his other partner without consulting you. You do not deserve to be put in second place like this. You must explain to him that he has put you in second place and that this is so, so hurtful to you. As his partner, you had a right to have a child with him, and he took that away from you.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Lvirablatira,

I am sorry about the predicament you find yourself in: You will have to raise a child with little or no help from your partner, and it's all because he had a second child with his other partner without consulting you. You do not deserve to be put in second place like this. You must explain to him that he has put you in second place and that this is so, so hurtful to you. As his partner, you had a right to have a child with him...
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No, she certainly does not have the right to have a child with him. The man told her he already has enough on his plate. He can get off the relationship escalator wherever it is comfortable for him. That is one of the benefits of being poly. He doesn't have to ride the escalator to the "have kids together" floor. Having two kids with his other partner, and working and going to school, and a sick parent to care for, are enough for him. He's already at the point of burn-out. People are allowed to have and enforce boundaries, especially over something as important as bringing a new life into the world.

Maybe only people who have kids and are also caring for an ailing elder would understand this.
 
No, nobody has the right to have kids with anyone, that is not even a question. If i should have kids togheter with anyone it should be someone that is excited about it.

But I feel very insecure about our relationship after this. Questions like; How could he do this to me twice if he really loves me? How will i feel seeing him helping his partner with their kids while i struggle alone? How will i explain this to our families?

Its so many questions and i dont really know how i feel. Maybe i should deescalate the relationship and just see him as a friend with benefits and have my familylife separate, maybe i should leave, maybe i will manage to get over this and we can all live happily togheter but with our own children. I really dont know how to tackle this, so inputs is very much appreciated!
 
Lvirablatira said:
No, nobody has the right to have kids with anyone, that is not even a question. If i should have kids togheter with anyone it should be someone that is excited about it.

But I feel very insecure about our relationship after this. Questions like; How could he do this to me twice if he really loves me? How will i feel seeing him helping his partner with their kids while i struggle alone? How will i explain this to our families?

Its so many questions and i dont really know how i feel. Maybe i should deescalate the relationship and just see him as a friend with benefits and have my familylife separate, maybe i should leave, maybe i will manage to get over this and we can all live happily togheter but with our own children. I really dont know how to tackle this, so inputs is very much appreciated!
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It does seem that he is your "primary," but you are not his (in quotes because I'm using this as descriptive, which may not match what you two agree with). These types of relationships happen in poly even if not intended.

My opinion is that you may want to de-escalate just a bit, so he isn't your "primary," whether you date others or not. I think you'd be happy to find someone that wants the same things you do, and has the capability and can commit to the level of relationship you desire.
 
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