Partner going through a tough breakup with primary. How to proceed?

[Toast]

Hi,

I am sure some advice already exists here regarding this situation, but any advice would be really appreciated.

Background-- I have been casually seeing a poly guy for about ~10 months now. We usually hang out 1-2 times a month. He had a primary partner of over 2-3 years. I am not really seeing anyone else actively at the moment. In the past month or so, I have had very little contact with him and he has cancelled multiple plans. (Also, we both have been travelling.) I was quite frustrated with it and decided to end things. However, when I reached out I came to know that he and his primary had broken up. From what I could see, he was taking it hard and didn't wanna talk much about it (which is in line with his past behaviour, as he prefers to keep all relationships separate).

As a secondary, what should I do? I ended up not breaking up with him (as it felt rude) and just shared my concerns that I have about the two of us not spending time together. I am concerned about him too, but I also don't wanna seem like I am "trying to replace her." So don't know how to cheer him up. I am also not sure why they ended things. My concern is 1. How to take care of him and, 2. How to deal with my own emotions: I currently feel super-neglected.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Toast,

He sounds like the kind of guy who would mostly need space when something like this happens. Plus, like you said, he likes to keep his relationships separate. I would tell him you are there for him, whatever he needs you to do, but that you are giving him some space in the meantime, and to let you know when he needs you. Tell him you are sorry this has happened to him, and that you do want to help.

Above all, don't try to cheer him up. He is in a grieving process, and needs to move through it in his own time, and in his own way. Trying to nudge him past the grief part will only make things worse. Grief is a natural and appropriate thing for him to experience, in light of what has happened to him. Just be there for him, and let him know that you care.

You do need to talk to him about about your frustration over having very little contact with him, and about him cancelling multiple plans. But before you talk to him about that, I would suggest you give him some time to work through the grieving process. He does seem like the kind of guy who needs some space when something like this happens to him. So don't give him forever, but give him some time.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi,

I am sure some advice already exists here regarding this situation, but any advice would be really appreciated.

Background-- I have been casually seeing a poly guy for about ~10 months now. We usually hang out 1-2 times a month. He had a primary partner of over 2-3 years. I am not really seeing anyone else actively at the moment. In the past month or so, I have had very little contact with him and he has cancelled multiple plans. (Also, we both have been travelling.) I was quite frustrated with it and decided to end things. However, when I reached out I came to know that he and his primary had broken up. From what I could see, he was taking it hard and didn't wanna talk much about it (which is in line with his past behaviour, as he prefers to keep all relationships separate).

As a secondary, what should I do? I ended up not breaking up with him (as it felt rude) and just shared my concerns that I have about the two of us not spending time together. I am concerned about him too, but I also don't wanna seem like I am "trying to replace her."

I don't think there is any chance you'd come across as trying to replace his primary. Different partners usually meet some different needs for their shared partner. I am sure he appreciates you for your unique self.

So don't know how to cheer him up. I am also not sure why they ended things. My concern is 1. How to take care of him and, 2. How to deal with my own emotions: I currently feel super-neglected.

I'm sorry you feel neglected, but that can happen in any relationship when someone goes through a difficult loss. Sometimes a very hard loss can even lead to a breakup, say, if a married couple loses a child, their different ways of grieving can be so incompatible, they can't be there for each other in a helpful way.

In this case, I wouldn't be surprised if your casual bf might want to take a break from dating. There's even a chance he might break up with you.

(Once when I was dating this guy, he had an ill mother with whom he had a bad r'ship. He and I got along great while she was sick, but then she passed away. Instead of letting me comfort him and distract him when he needed a good meal or sex, or some other kind of entertainment, he became distant and finally told me he'd lost his romantic feelings for me, and just wanted to be friends! I was really hurt and kind of shocked. It was the last thing I'd expected. He wanted to remain friends but finally after a couple years, he stopped responding to my occasional invitations to family dinners and the like.)

But I do hope if you're patient, your friend/bf will seek you out when he feels stronger. Maybe he'll let you give him a meal now and then or walk his dog or something while he's struggling. It's not up to you to help him work through his feelings about his breakup though.

I'd suggest you start looking around for another partner, if you feel motivated to do so, meanwhile. You can do that without breaking up with your current partner. And seek comfort from your own friends who are aware you've been dating a poly guy, too, and are feeling neglected.

Good luck.