Partner is Monogamous

L

loveduck

New member
Hi there,
About 5 months ago I started dating a monogamous person, we'll call him A. For context, I am nonhierarchical polyamorous (relationship anarchist), with another partner of about 8 months, who is nh poly himself, we'll call him B. He has another partner.

My partner A is, like I said, monogamous. He has told me multiple times that he's not poly, that he is very monogamous and he does not have much of an interest in polyamory or in seeing other people besides me.

The thing is that, this is my first time being in a polyamorous relationship (my relationship with B) and I have never felt happier in a relationship in my life. I feel absolutely liberated by practicing polyamory. I love the people my partner dates, I love getting to know them and spending time with my partners partners and their partners.

On the other hand, with my relationship with A, I have many doubts, and I get anxious about things very easily. A has trauma from people repeatedly cheating on him, and he gets very jealous. I get jealous too, but he can sometimes get angry, and when he's talked to me about his jealousy sometimes he'd describe things he's feeling hurt by, that I'm not actually doing, like ignoring him for my other partner, doing things with my other partner that I don't do with him, avoiding him, etc.

When I thought I was monogamous I was never cheated on, so I don't understand that kind of trust being broken with me. So I often feel selfish to ask that he adapt to his partner seeing other people. I know polyamory is not the same as cheating, but I also know monogamous people often see it that way, that the feelings it may stir in monogamous people would be similar.

Right now I just feel really pressured to be everything for A, even though I know I don't have to be. Selfishly, I wish A would see other people, even though he says he doesn't want to, I feel like it would make me feel better about us. Sometimes I feel very bad that I'm poly. Sometimes I feel worried that I just have issues with commitment, that I can't be there for someone fully like this. But this kind of shame of being poly is nothing compared to the constraining, suffocating feeling of monogamy that I so desperately wanted release from. I don't want to feel like I have to be everything for someone. I want my partners to have other people they can turn to for love and affection and good times.


Sometimes I feel bad because I wish I was dating another poly person. I want to share love and for the people I love to know each other and to be able to spend time together. I love my friends just like I love my partners, and I want to practice nonhierarchical polyamory in more than just a romantic sense. I want to appreciate and love every person in my life and I want there to be a common respect for their space and time.

My partner A has met my partner B, but only in a large group setting (at a party). They have never officially met face to face, and when they were in the group setting my partner A felt upset after and they didn't talk much if at all.

I think it would make me feel better if A and B met face to face. I want to show my partner A that my partner B is not this scary monster that is trying to steal me away. But I also don't want to make my partner A do anything he doesn't want to. I think he would honestly feel much better after meeting B, but I don't think he sees that.

I don't know why I posted here, I Guess maybe to rant and seek advice. If anyone in a mono-poly relationship has any advice, I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you!!!
 
loveduck said:
My partner A is, like I said, monogamous. He has told me multiple times that he's not poly, that he is very monogamous and he does not have much of an interest in polyamory or in seeing other people besides me.....I wish I was dating another poly person. ....I want to practice nonhierarchical polyamory in more than just a romantic sense.
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Why are you in this relationship when there is such a basic mismatch in values?
 
Why is A dating you in a poly network if their preference is monogamy? Why are you dating A if your preference is that the people you date are poly?

It's not like he is monoamorous (wants to love 1 sweetie) and is relationship shape flexible -- could be in a monogamous arrangement, could be a polygamous arrangement, etc.

If they are saying they are monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) AND monogamous (want to be in a 1:1 relationship shape) then this is mismatched.

So already there is that incompatibility.

On the other hand, with my relationship with A, I have many doubts, and I get anxious about things very easily. A has trauma from people repeatedly cheating on him, and he gets very jealous. I get jealous too, but he can sometimes get angry, and when he's talked to me about his jealousy sometimes he'd describe things he's feeling hurt by, that I'm not actually doing, like ignoring him for my other partner, doing things with my other partner that I don't do with him, avoiding him, etc.
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So if there is unhealed trauma from the past, would it be better if A wasn't dating right now? Spent some time to work on themselves first? Because acting out at you about past stuff... you aren't their punching bag.

I don't want to feel like I have to be everything for someone. I want my partners to have other people they can turn to for love and affection and good times.
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You also don't have to be their life raft.

this kind of shame of being poly is nothing compared to the constraining, suffocating feeling of monogamy that I so desperately wanted release from. I don't want to feel like I have to be everything for someone. I want my partners to have other people they can turn to for love and affection and good times
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You sound suffocated here. You don't like how you are being treated. If dating A is making you feel bad? Could stop dating A.

If you are no longer dating... A cannot go on about you ignoring them or avoiding or cheating or whatever. All things you are not doing. But definitely not doing if you are no longer even dating. You simply are not even there.

Sometimes I feel bad because I wish I was dating another poly person. I want to share love and for the people I love to know each other and to be able to spend time together
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Why do you feel bad having a preference to date other poly people? :confused: People can have preferences.

It's also ok to start to realize this relationship might not be a runner. It's only been 5 mos. Not everyone you date WILL be a long haul runner.

You sound like you are coming to terms with this maybe not working out and sad about it. It is ok to be sad.

Galagirl
 
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Hello loveduck,

Sometimes a mono/poly relationship can work, but only if there is considerable flexibility on both sides. In your case, A gets very jealous, accuses you of things you're not doing, doesn't want to meet B, gets upset after a large group setting ... many things that don't sit well with you. You don't want to feel like you have to be everything for someone, but you do feel that way. You wish you were dating another poly person, but you're not. You want A to meet B, but only if it's something A wants to do.

In short, A is a poor match for you in many ways. You want the people you love to know each other and be able to spend time together. You want your partners to have other people they can turn to for love and affection and good times. There is nothing wrong with those desires, but those aren't things you are going to be able to get with A. It's like you're torturing yourself, forcing yourself to date A when deep down you don't want to. Maybe you feel that since you've been dating him for five months, you have to continue.

I know you love A, I know you don't want to break up with him. Here are some mono/poly resources. Perhaps that would help.

I guess my advice is to do the best you can to get along with A, but make peace with the possibility that that might not be possible. :( Sorry that's all I could offer, if I can think of some more things I'll let you know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
So what's the push to stay with someone who makes you feel anxious and bad? Sometimes two people get together and find out they are not compatible. It's nobody's fault, it just is.
 
I have a partner (Ponytail) who had a really hard time when I started dating Whiskers. He even said that he no longer felt polyamorous -- that he felt monogamous and couldn't stay in our relationship if I continued to date Whiskers. Our relationship was causing us both pain.

Through couples therapy, we were able to stay together. For a long time, though, Ponytail didn't want to hear about Whiskers, didn't want to think about Whiskers, definitely didn't want to be in the same room as Whiskers.

I yearned for the ability to have my partners all hang out (Glasses and Ponytail can be around each other casually with no awkwardness). Whiskers and Ponytail actually have a LOT in common and a few times I brought up the idea of us all doing something together. But I didn't push it, and it was clear that Ponytail wasn't ready.

Gradually, over time, Ponytail started dating some other people. It started out as him going on dates with others in order to get his social needs met without demanding so much of my time. Gradually he started seeing a few women more and more frequently and now he is dating two of them.

Last night, Ponytail and Whiskers and I all went to a show together. It took a fair amount of planning (who is going to arrive with whom? who is going to leave with whom?) and there was some drama (my initial plan to go home with Whiskers after the show sent Ponytail into a fair amount of anxiety) but we persisted with the planning and the communication in the end it went smoothly and was very fun. In fact, Ponytail even suggested that Whiskers come with us to another show next month.

A few things to note about my situation and yours:

1. In a lot of ways, "A" sounds a lot like Ponytail -- anxious about losing you and very clear that he would only like to date you. However, in one key area, I think "A" sounds very different from Ponytail -- it sounds like A has been up front with you from the start that he is not polyamorous. This is different from Ponytail, who thought he was polyamorous from the start and had (comparatively) very little jealousy when it came to "sharing" me with my husband.....and only stopped identifying as polyamorous when I started dating someone new. Given that it sounds like A has never identified as polyamorous, I have to echo the concerns and confusion of some of the other replies here, which is to ask why you and he started dating in the first place?

2. Regardless of why you started dating, I get it that it sucks to be in love with someone who doesn't feel comfortable in the kind of relationship style that you value. This was really difficult for me because I LOVED Ponytail and yet I had to say no to him when he asked me to stop seeing Whiskers. Even though at the time Whiskers and I had only been on 4 dates, I already knew that I felt a connection with him and wanted to keep seeing him -- it was far from the love that I felt for Ponytail and yet it was strong enough to let me know that I wasn't able to commit to a lifestyle in which I wouldn't be open to those kinds of possibilities. It was HARD to see my relationship with Whiskers have such a negative effect on Ponytail and it truly came down to being willing to leave Ponytail before we were able to make progress back towards a healthy dynamic.

3. Therapy helped. I think you and A could benefit from finding a poly-friendly therapist to discuss these issues with.

4. In the end, I have hopes that Whiskers and Ponytail and I will all be able to spend time together and that more exposure to each other will make Ponytail feel more comfortable. But I think it is critical that I did NOT push that at any point along the way -- even though I wanted it and thought it would be good for both of them. Baby steps. And I also honestly think it may never have happened if Ponytail hadn't started dating some other women -- sometimes you really truly do need to experience both sides of the polyamory coin (dating others and having your partners date others) in order to gain the perspective necessary.

In the end, I think you have to think carefully about where your priorities lie.

For me, my desire for open relationships and my love for Ponytail were about equally matched (which was what made it so fucking HARD when those two things were at odds).

My next priority was that Ponytail not feel as though he was stuck in a horrible relationship that he was being dragged into against his will. (My willingness to let him go was critical to this -- I HAD to be willing to hear him when he said that he didn't want polyamory and love him enough to hear that and to let him go before we were able to evaluate our needs and make progress.)

My next priority was that my individual relationships be able to thrive independently. (Space from each other allowed this to happen. Even though it was hard at times....it was incredibly important not only that Ponytail be able to see that our relationship existed independently of my other relationships....but even more importantly, it was important that I allow myself to view my relationship with Whiskers as its own entity as well. There have been a few times when I have considered that maybe Whiskers and I are not well-matched.....if I had gotten caught up in the idea that I had to stay with Whiskers in order to prove that all that drama and therapy was worth it, or if I had used the challenges in my relationship with Whiskers to justify that I should end it and enter a closed relationship with Ponytail -- that would have been bad for both relationships).

And finally came my priority that my partners be able to spend time together and have a comfortable "kitchen table" vibe. This one is still up in the air. We've had a recent social event (last night's performance) that has given me hope that we might move in that direction. But at the end of the day, this is still the lowest priority on my list. If it doesn't make everyone happy, then it isn't something that I want to focus on. The individual relationships are more important -- and I'm not convinced that spending time together sooner would have made Ponytail any more comfortable with the situation.

Good luck!
 
I'm in a very similar situation and I don't have any solid answers about wether or not you it's a good idea to continue but I have some informed advice.
I'm going to talk about my situation and refer to my monogamous-identified partner as M.

-a good relationship needs to come from a place of acceptance and understanding of each other.

M knew that I was poly and in a relationship before we ever explored the chemistry between us. M was cheated on in a long-term relationship and (like-most) has a very monocentric veiw of relationships/commitment. Initially M expressed feelings similar to those of being cheated on and he expressed the difficulty in seeing any element of commitment in poly relationships. I got worried and anxious, assumed he wanted me to be mono and thought I was slutty or selfish or weird or full of ill-intent. After those worries built up for short while, I blew up on M questioning why he was with me at all if he thought so negatively about me and about polyamory. Turns out my assumptions (surprise, surprise) were totally wrong. He stopped me and said that he accepted me for who I am and that he wouldn't want to change me. It made a world of difference to feel accepted like that. I had always accepted him as monogamous and though I'd be perfectly happy seeing him with other people, I don't want him to be poly if that's just not who he is.

-I can't say that such a huge difference in who we are won't become a problem. but neither of us wants the other to change. We accept each other. We both want to understand the other more. I'm want to give him time and patience because I have compassion for him the way he's been hurt in the past. He doesn't want me to hide who I am, and as I read new books about polyamory and analyze past relationships, he gives me a space me to talk about those things with him and he actively listens.

-What I can say is that if you two don't embrace your differences and don't accept each other the way you currently are, you will likely feel shitty more often than not. Even if A comes to understand poly, there's a good chance A will still be mono. And if you don't like that, you have a right to leave the relationship. And if A is hoping that poly is just a stage for you and that one day you'll be mono, that's a bad start.
 
Good post, polyamy.
 
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