Partner told me she hooked up a few times

C

Ciniclibido

New member
Hello people!

Yesterday I had the weirdest ick. My gf Pam is poly and has another partner, Tyler. I am still learning about polyamory and talking with a potential partner. A month ago Pam and I had a big argument and she was having a mental health crisis. In that meantime, I decided to give her some space and time to let her fix her own stuff. For me, this distance was hard, as I felt distance in the relationship, but her well-being was in jeopardy and it was important to give her that time off.

Yesterday we had a date after a month separated. Pam sent me her location; she was at a friend's house (call the friend Lee). She told me she had slept there with Lee a few times already this couple weeks. She actually updated me that she was hooking up with Lee, and told about other hookups.

I was OK at the moment. As I remember, I told her I didn’t care a lot about her sexual life before. Even so, I feel kind of cheated emotionally and sexually. I can’t get off the feeling that while I was trying to give Pam space, she used this time to hook up with her friends. I had the opportunity to hook up with someone during that time and decided to stop, to ask Pam for consent.

Idk, is she actually giving consent by keeping me informed even after she did it? Is it cheating? Is this a normal thing for some polyamorous people, or is there any cheating implied?
 
What are your actual agreements? Is this relationship open to polyamory and consenting casual sex, where both of you can share sex with poly partners, FWBs, hookups? If so, you both consented.

I can’t get off the feel that while I was trying to give her space she used this time to hookup with her friends. Even I had the opportunity to hookup with someone during that time and decided to stop to ask my partner first for consent.
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Even if you and she are taking time apart for a month... what's wrong with her sharing sex with others, or you sharing sex with others? I'm not sure why you would need to do that part in bold, if both had consented already.

What is missing is an UPDATE about changes to your/her risk profiles. In which case, you could do this before you two share sex with each other again, every time.

"Since the last time we shared sex together... have there been any changes? On my side, there was..."

Maybe you two haven't talked out the agreements for how to give/keep up with sex health info.

Galagirl
 
Personally, I hook up with whomever I want, whenever I want. My agreement with Adam is to tell him when a relationship is getting serious, so he doesn't know or care about casual partners. My agreement with Puck is to tell him about all my hook ups. but after the fact is fine. He just wants to know that I'm out there having a good time.

Consent for these differing models was obtained once with each person and doesn't need to be revisited.

Of course, I'm 46 so I don't get the same number if hooks ups as I did at 20.

Other partners who aren't necessarily daily or weekly contacts don't get told about the more casual hookups. I just make sure I'm confident in my sexual health status if I'm going to have barrier free sex.

I hear that your main issue isn't the hooking up or consent or agreements though, it was your lack of security in the relationship itself. Perhaps you're latching on to the hookup issue in a way that wouldn't be a problem if you felt like she was fully invested in your relationship. But she took time to get some space.

Personally, after I've had space from my primary partner, Adam, I enjoy our relationship more.

I hope you and her can develop a relationship model that works for both of you.
 
Thanks for your replies. More information about this: we never had talked about casual sex until this arose. We have been together for 3 months. I can’t shake off the cheating feeling. I think that I was expecting her to do some reflecting on her crisis with her time alone and after that she could come back stronger. Instead, I just feel she got impulsive. I am not sure how to come up with terms of having casual sex while you are in a relationship with someone. She has a lot of emotional intimacy with her friend too. But she says they are not dating.
 
1. You should talk about what it means to be poly in your relationship.

To me, poly means you get to do what you want with whomever, as long as you are honest about it.. She was. No issue, in my book.

I think the actual issue here is that you had an expectation in your mind that she would take this time apart to deal with her mental health crisis and not see others either. After all, if she can't see you, then she shouldn't need to see others, right?

Maybe you expected that if she was good to see others she should have called you to meet up.

Maybe you are upset that she didn't follow the script in your head, or do things the way you would have done them.

Added to that, others got to spend time with her, and maybe there's some jealousy mixed in.

Talk to your partner to get on the same page, and also reflect on your own values, to decide if poly is right for you or not. Most poly people only view cheating as the lie, the hiding of behaviors or feelings about others, not the act itself.

You are having those thoughts and feelings because monogamy told you to. To be poly, you need to get rid of that mono programming.
 
I don't know.
Indeed, it doesn't sound like the two of you are practicing quite the same relationship model.

But, perhaps more seriously, you have been together for three months and already had a big fight and a break for a whole month.

Is she worth it to invest a lot of energy into? Will she also commit to working on clarifying expectations and preferences with you? Because cleaning this up might demand a lot.

This may be a mono/poly attitude difference, but it's quite possible she's just not as serious about the relationship as you are. That's your fear, right?
I'm monogamous myself, so I would feel very disrespected. I would feel jealous too.

Or, perhaps this not about you at all. Perhaps it is her coping mechanism
for mental health crises.

At this point, you don't know. If she's worth your effort, don't jump to conclusions. Ask how she's really been. Share your fears and jealousy. Ask if and how she intends to proceed with the relationship. Have that hard talk, not with us, but her.
 
Hi Ciniclibido,

Your girlfriend may be laboring under the notion that because you know she is polyamorous, that therefore you just know that she will have sex with others sometimes. Although if that is her thinking, then I don't know what her purpose was in informing you of specific hookups, unless she just wanted to stick it to you in some way. Do you need to know about each and every hookup? Does she need to get your okay prior to each hookup? These are just things for both of you to think about.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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