Dear knowledgable folk of the Polymory forum.
My partner of 15 years, wife of 8 and mother of our two boys (4 & 6 yrs) is on the brink of becoming a practicing poly.
I was hoping some of you could dispense some much needed advice on how I can deal with the wealth of negative emotions I am currently feeling.
Perhaps I should start with a minimalist background?
My other half has always had obsessions for other men. She is Aspergers and you could say that these obsessions are her “special interest” (lately she’s started describing the nature of this obsessive bond as ‘Limerence’). As an adult, most of the individuals under her (normally serial) gaze have been unaware. This situation changed almost two years ago when the subject of my wife’s limerence firstly ‘became aware’ and secondly responded with a reciprocal admission of romantic feelings.
(This was the beginning of an emotional storm for both of us).
Since then, my wife has had a very close friendship with this man (they meet up typically twice a week). For some time my wife tried to find contentment stopping short of a full physically-intimate relationship - this she achieved (largely effectively) with a great deal of self control purely for my benefit and that of our relationship (I should add that neither of us have had any experience of polyamory).
In recent months it has become obvious that this physical restraint is not sustainable. A pragmatist, I think I have two options: (1) leave or (2) adapt to this change. For my wife’s part her ideal would be to keep the very good marriage that we have while being granted the freedom to satisfy this other urge (If I was to leave she doesn’t think she would look to find another primary partner).
I love my wife enormously and don’t want to stand in the way of her realising her true self. Her happiness is in large part linked to my own.
For what it’s worth, the other man seems like a good guy i.e. I don’t believe he would mistreat my wife in any way. I have spoken to him openly on the nature of our 3-way predicament a number of times (he is fully aware of the enfolding situation).
Question:
I find the idea of this man and my wife sharing intimate relations extremely painful. When I think of it I get a wrench in my gut. How do I diffuse these feelings? I don’t want to learn how to live with them, I wan’t to go beyond them, I want to be truly comfortable (so I can secure our future together and begin rebuilding my self confidence that is rock bottom).
I’m familiar with the idea that feelings such as jealousy are not a pure emotion but a combination of emotions and that by dissecting the feeling you can look to counter each component part. I have used this tool to good effect already, but find the “metal block” I have concerning the physical aspect hard to budge. No doubt some of you think I have been conditioned by society to feel this way - I hope this is true, for if it is conditioning then I can recondition myself!
I want to put an end to two years of hurt and anxiety. I want to be able to extend my wife the freedom she needs and in so doing secure our future together.
I hope as a couple, we can emerge from this stronger-than-ever.
We will continue to talk (though vocalising my discomfort I am starting to feel like a scratched record!).
Help! Please! (If you can).
p.s. "Journeyofawakening" I read your thread "How do I even start to explain". It seems to me we are where you and your husband could be in the not too distant future i.e. we are on the same path just a little ahead of you.
My partner of 15 years, wife of 8 and mother of our two boys (4 & 6 yrs) is on the brink of becoming a practicing poly.
I was hoping some of you could dispense some much needed advice on how I can deal with the wealth of negative emotions I am currently feeling.
Perhaps I should start with a minimalist background?
My other half has always had obsessions for other men. She is Aspergers and you could say that these obsessions are her “special interest” (lately she’s started describing the nature of this obsessive bond as ‘Limerence’). As an adult, most of the individuals under her (normally serial) gaze have been unaware. This situation changed almost two years ago when the subject of my wife’s limerence firstly ‘became aware’ and secondly responded with a reciprocal admission of romantic feelings.
(This was the beginning of an emotional storm for both of us).
Since then, my wife has had a very close friendship with this man (they meet up typically twice a week). For some time my wife tried to find contentment stopping short of a full physically-intimate relationship - this she achieved (largely effectively) with a great deal of self control purely for my benefit and that of our relationship (I should add that neither of us have had any experience of polyamory).
In recent months it has become obvious that this physical restraint is not sustainable. A pragmatist, I think I have two options: (1) leave or (2) adapt to this change. For my wife’s part her ideal would be to keep the very good marriage that we have while being granted the freedom to satisfy this other urge (If I was to leave she doesn’t think she would look to find another primary partner).
I love my wife enormously and don’t want to stand in the way of her realising her true self. Her happiness is in large part linked to my own.
For what it’s worth, the other man seems like a good guy i.e. I don’t believe he would mistreat my wife in any way. I have spoken to him openly on the nature of our 3-way predicament a number of times (he is fully aware of the enfolding situation).
Question:
I find the idea of this man and my wife sharing intimate relations extremely painful. When I think of it I get a wrench in my gut. How do I diffuse these feelings? I don’t want to learn how to live with them, I wan’t to go beyond them, I want to be truly comfortable (so I can secure our future together and begin rebuilding my self confidence that is rock bottom).
I’m familiar with the idea that feelings such as jealousy are not a pure emotion but a combination of emotions and that by dissecting the feeling you can look to counter each component part. I have used this tool to good effect already, but find the “metal block” I have concerning the physical aspect hard to budge. No doubt some of you think I have been conditioned by society to feel this way - I hope this is true, for if it is conditioning then I can recondition myself!
I want to put an end to two years of hurt and anxiety. I want to be able to extend my wife the freedom she needs and in so doing secure our future together.
I hope as a couple, we can emerge from this stronger-than-ever.
We will continue to talk (though vocalising my discomfort I am starting to feel like a scratched record!).
Help! Please! (If you can).
p.s. "Journeyofawakening" I read your thread "How do I even start to explain". It seems to me we are where you and your husband could be in the not too distant future i.e. we are on the same path just a little ahead of you.
