Partner’s best friend

A

Abcdshelby

New member
Hey everyone, first time poster.

My partner knows I have strong feelings towards their best friend. Their best friend has stated in multiple occasions that they find me very attractive. There is constant flirting and flirtatious touching. One night, the friend invited me out for drinks with him and his coworkers and we became very drunk. The friend said they had to stop talking because they didn’t want to do anything he would regret because I’m “off limits.”
This friend knows we are poly. My partner is on board and supportive of me and this friend getting together, but hasn’t told him directly, because I like to pursue on my own.

Do you think the friend needs to get the green light from my partner, or does off limits mean something else for him?

This is a massive crush for me and I often end up overthinking and am left sad after we spend time together. But I don’t want to stop what we do currently have because it is fun. So cutting this person off is not what I want.

Thanks for any insight.
 
You partner is ok with you dating this friend.

You seem to want to date this friend.

I think you could ask this friend out.

"Friend, I've been getting mixed messages from you. I'm up for dating. Are you? Otherwise this mixed messages stuff has to stop and we leave it at friends only."

Galagirl
 
Hello Abcdshelby,

You said the friend knows you are poly. I assume the friend knows what "poly" means. By definition poly means that you are *not* off-limits. Taking all that into account, you should probably ask the friend what he means by "off-limits." I mean, you need to find out whether the friend getting the green light from your partner would even help the situation. The friend might consider you to be off-limits no matter what -- as long as you continue to be partnered with your partner.

This doesn't mean that I know the friend getting that direct green light from your partner wouldn't help -- it very well might help. I just think you need to get a better look at the friend's perspective before you can make that determination. In any case, it doesn't seem to me like you would need to cut the friend off. The exchange of flirts by both of you seems to be happening with the consent of all three of you (you, the friend, and your partner). If that's true, and you are enjoying it, then by all means keep doing it.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I have tried to get his side but he just says I’m with his best friend since grade school, I’m off limits. And he tends to pull away temporarily when it gets brought up. When we meet back up again, his flirting is stronger and it’s becoming very obvious to others around who are not aware of the situation or my and my current partner’s relationship. Which ends with me more confused
 
GalaGirl said:
You partner is ok with you dating this friend.

You seem to want to date this friend.

I think you could ask this friend out.

"Friend, I've been getting mixed messages from you. I'm up for dating. Are you? Otherwise this mixed messages stuff has to stop and we leave it at friends only."

Galagirl
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I do believe he tends to be more monogamous but casual encounters are fine.
I’m scared if I say pick a lane, then the fun flirting will have to end and I do not want that.
 
It sounds like a little manipulation is being done by the friend, if he pulls away when you try to get more insight into his perspective. I guess you have a choice to make. Cut him off, continue to flirt with him, or try to escalate things with him. And you must guess at his mindset, since he is not forthcoming about it, when you make this decision. If I had to vote I guess I'd say cut him off, because I don't like his emotional manipulation tactic.
 
kdt26417 said:
It sounds like a little manipulation is being done by the friend, if he pulls away when you try to get more insight into his perspective. I guess you have a choice to make. Cut him off, continue to flirt with him, or try to escalate things with him. And you must guess at his mindset, since he is not forthcoming about it, when you make this decision. If I had to vote I guess I'd say cut him off, because I don't like his emotional manipulation tactic.
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That’s what I was afraid to hear. I appreciate your opinion on it!
 
No problem. I could certainly be wrong. The choice can only be yours.
 
If the goal is clarity and knowing where you stand with him, so you can stop overthinking and feeling sad after spending time together, I suggest you be firm of purpose and ask for the info you need to know.

I do believe he tends to be more monogamous, but casual encounters are fine.
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If you are up for a casual relationship, or "one and done," ask him out.

Be clear you are poly and cannot offer him monogamy. You can only offer a casual relationship or a single encounter.

If you don't want a short-term casual relationship or a single "one and done" encounter, don't ask him out.

I’m scared if I say pick a lane, then the fun flirting will have to end and I do not want that.
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I cannot help you there. I don't enjoy spending time feeling weird or dealing with inner conflict that I can just solve by speaking up and making decisions. I like being assertive/decisive.

To me, it seems he's either "hinting," or knows full well he's tempting you and messing with your head, while leaving himself an "out" so he can blame it all on you if it goes wrong. With the mixed messages, he can claim you "misunderstood." With the drinking/getting drunk stuff, he can claim you took advantage.

For me, some crushes are not worth pursuing. I just enjoy them from afar without saying anything to the person. I'm also firm in my personal boundaries. I do not do mixed messages because I don't enjoy feeling the angst or confusion that stems from that behavior.

I flirt with actual romantic partners, or I flirt with my "flirt friends" with whom I've been clear about boundaries. We flirt, but we all know it's not actually going anywhere, and we've been clear/firm on that.

If it were me, I'd want him to either approach me directly AND sober, or I'd approach him directly AND sober. I'd expect an honest answer. If I approach him clearly and directly and he plays more games, I'm going to to say, "Never mind. This feels likes games, so I'm gonna pass." I'm not into wishy-washy, even if it comes in a cute or handsome package.

It's up to you how to want to handle things.

I have tried to get his side, but he just says I’m with his best friend since grade school, I’m off limits. And he tends to pull away temporarily when it gets brought up. When we meet back up again, his flirting is stronger, and it’s becoming very obvious to others around who are not aware of the situation or my and my current partner’s relationship. Which ends with me more confused.
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If you are "off limits," then he's not obeying his own boundary if he keeps flirting with you like this.

You need to call him out on it, rather than make excuses for this poor behavior just because you like the flirting attention. He's not treating you decently. He is not either asking you out properly, or being respectful to you, as the partner of his friend who is "off limits."

You could speak up, saying something like: "Look, this behavior is unacceptable. You say I'm off limits, but here you are doing all this flirting behavior at me. Either ask me out properly or cut it out and act like I'm off limits for real. Behave respectfully towards me."

GG
 
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Abcdshelby said:
I have tried to get his side but he just says I’m with his best friend since grade school, I’m off limits.
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Well then, trust him. Even if someone is poly, they tend to have people they would not date (like partners family, boss, and yes... sometimes it's best friends). He will NOT risk upsetting his relationship with his best friend by sleeping with you, dating you, maybe breaking up with you... things could get weird between your partner and his best friend then. It is a good enough reason.

If you feel that's hurting you, you could stop the flirting, take some distance, and let the crush fade.
 
Hi Abcdshelby,

There is, of course, also the option of asking your partner to talk to their friend, and explain to him that they don't have a problem with you and him getting more involved with each other. You can't know if it will help, but you can try it just in case. Then based on the outcome of that discussion, you can decide how to proceed.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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