Partners Getting Along

[tenK]

It's an expectation for me that everyone can be cordial in necessary situations (emergencies, scheduling issues, life milestone celebrations like graduation college or deaths in the immediate family, etc.). But, it's not a rule, it's a boundary. I only date people who can and do handle themselves like adults, and being an adult means you sometimes have to deal with less-than-desirable situations in a way that is more about others than it is about yourself. I simply wouldn't develop a relationship with someone who didn't follow that paradigm.

As far as being friends, though, I wouldn't ever require that of my partner's. You can't force feelings.

I agree with this. I'm generally attracted to sociable people, and I'm only interested in being with people who want to be in a non-monogamous relationship style. To me, that's probably enough to ensure that everyone is going to be able to be civil and courteous to one another. So far, my partners have all seemed to get on with each other, even if they didn't want to spend oodles of time with each other.

I've been on the negative flip side of something like this too, so that's an extra incentive not to be dogmatic about things myself. When Nina and my's ex, Jay, told me that he would be able to be more available to see me if I would be more up for spending one-on-one time with his live-in partner Lily (because she wanted to be closer to me too and it was causing tension between them), I felt really shitty. Although I wanted to see him more, I told him where to stick it. I only want to hang with people because of a mutual want, not to facilitate or buy goodwill. Yuck.

 

[Inyourendo]

I agree with this. I'm generally attracted to sociable people, and I'm only interested in being with people who want to be in a non-monogamous relationship style. To me,Kimi that's probably enough really ure that everyone is going to be able to be civil and courteous to one another. So far, my partners have all seemed to get on with each other, even if they didn't want to spend oodles of time with each other.

I've been on the negative flip side of something like this too, so that's an extra incentive not to be dogmatic about things myself. When Nina and my's ex, Jay, told me that he would be able to be more available to see me if I would be more up for spending one-on-one time with his live-in partner Lily (because she wanted to be closer to me too and it was causing tension between them), I felt really shitty. Although I wanted to see him more, I told him where to stick it. I only want to hang with people because of a mutual want, not to facilitate or buy goodwill. Yuck.

I'm the same way, I can play nice as situation might require but that doesn't mean I like someone, consider them a friend, or want to be around them socially. It's like having to be civil to a coworker I feel don't really have feelings either way for, I can tolerate them and be professional but I'm not going to invite them for drinks after work.

I dated a guy once who got on me for not showing his girlfriend enough attention, pissed mw off because I wasn't dating HER! I was being very nice and was looking at pics she was showing me. She was nice and stuff but not at all someone I consider friend material.

For me to like someone they have to be gregarious and personable. If they are meek and quiet I tend not to care for their company

 

[JaneQSmythe]

For us it is not really a "rule" - just how things usually happen (no kids, so that doesn't come into play). I am an introvert, I don't generally like to socialize with people outside of my core group of friends, so anyone that I am likely to become involved with will likely come from that group anyway - i.e. they are already friends with my partners.

MrS and Dude were best friends before I became involved with Dude (before I ever met him actually). We three live together so that works out fine. Lotus met us all at the same time (even though she was technically Dude's "date"). We all like her and she likes all of us. We all met her husband TT around the same time (we tend to socialize at their house), the boys are friendly with him and he and I like to fool around on occasion (although we are not "dating").

Dude has dated 3 other women since he moved in - one I never met, one I met a few times but we had nothing in common but MrS found interesting and did "friend" stuff with, one was (I thought) a mutual friend of all of us. None of those 3 ended up lasting more than a few dates/encounters. (The "mutual friend" one was the only one that ended awkwardly - as she is mono and was really uncomfortable with the whole concept of poly.)

MrS doesn't date - but says that if he was ever interested in a girl that he would want me to meet her, as he feels my "crazy" detector is in better shape than his!

 

[Atlantis]

I have met a number of Prof's partners, maybe around 5 of them, none in the past year.
I am not the world's most social person and struggle with polite chit chat. I hang out with my friends one-to-one if possible though I am pushing myself to do small groups. Kid #2 is making me do a birthday party for him this year, usually it is my BF and her son, plus my other son, more than enough people in my opinion
I am not exactly thrilled at the prospect of a kid party and I am his mother, but I am using it as a teaching tool, planning, purchases, budget, realising not everyone who you invite will come...
Prof is coming, kid invited him. I told him he doesn't have to come. I would rather not go!
All that being said... No, to forced interactions between partners. Hell no, to kid parties being compulsory.

 

[Inyourendo]

Yeah we just get a pizza and cupcakes and have a small gathering at the park for friends who have kids. No one Nate has sex with even have kids so they would not be invited

 

[kdt26417]

My poly world consists of a closed poly-fi V. We were friends before we became a poly unit, so I guess we take it for granted that we'll always try to get along. (Doesn't mean we'll always succeed.) None of us are looking for new partners to add to the V, but if that were to change, I guess we have a rule that all three of us need to get along well with the new person before adopting them. We're definitely kitchen table poly types.

That doesn't mean we can't have platonic friends on the side though, and less would be expected of those friends. We aren't rude to people who come to visit, we try to get along with all people if possible. We just have stringent standards for adding people to our V.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I expect my two guys to be family to each other, too. And they are. They are always asking how the other one is doing. We share problems, money, everything. One day, we will possably share a child. I am lucky because they are so similar and that they like each other. Sometimes they gang up on me and become a unit, "the boys", they usually agree with each other on many things, they often like and dislike the same things, I am sometimes even envious because I don't have anyone that resemble me,but mostly I like it.

I have bad experience in the past of jealousy and I was very clear going into this that things had to be very, very different in this relationship. And it was. I can't really understand how, two years ago, I was only with my husband. It sees to me like I have lived this way forever.

 

[LittleStuffies]

I'm long distance with both of my partners and only M has other partners. I reached out to two of them--one I had a nice conversation with, the other didn't respond to my original message. I'm not all that social and I wasn't expected to even introduce myself to them. I started off with the family style poly; I've been in two triads, one where their daughter knew me as a family friend, and dating separately works better for me. If M and I lived closer and she wanted me to go to some sort of family thing, D would encourage me to go, and I would to make her happy.

 

[Invi]

"I expect you to socialize with my other partners" would be a deal-breaker for me. I wouldn't do that to my partner (and I don't; I have close friends he dislikes, so I don't invite them around him), and I expect the same respect for my autonomy.

I really like one of my metas. I choose to spend time with her whenever it is convenient for both of us, and often when our partner is out of town seeing our other meta. Neither of us are fond of her, and it helps my nearby meta to be distracted if she has company. She has borderline personality disorder and it apparently exaggerates all the negative qualities she sees in our other meta and basically she gets pretty upset when our partner is out visiting her and it helps to keep busy.

Far-away meta is someone I have cut contact with. I have her number in case of emergency. If our partner tried to force me to be friends with her, we'd have issues. He used to push. I told him it wasn't happening. He stopped.
I can be cordial, but in the event she moves out here, I am not sure I will be inviting her to any events I may be hosting (maybe if nearby meta and I were having a bday party for shared partner, but never again if it went poorly) because I simply do not like her.

"Kitchen table" poly sounds nice in theory, but I don't want to hang with someone I feel so negatively about, and I can't see "my partner has to like you" as being a restriction I would put on dating.

If I ran into far-away meta in public or happened to be attending the same event, I could politely acknowledge her, but I feel no obligation or desire to talk to her beyond greetings.

 

[Mya]

We don't have a rule that everyone needs to get along, but I do want to meet my metamours at least once, and I want my partners to meet each other when the time is right. I live with two of my partners, so my other partners and dates / possible partners usually meet rory and Hank quite quickly if I bring them back to my place.

I did break up with someone once when their other partner insisted on a DADT and didn't want to hear about me, let alone meet me. I figured our flavours of poly are too different to continue together. That wasn't the only reason for the break-up, but a significant one.

I've also had a situation once where Hank didn't like one of my other partners (it was actually the same person as above). They got along first, but Hank started to dislike his metamour more and more with time. I felt a bit sad about it, but it wasn't that big of deal in the end. I don't have to hang out with all of my partners at same time. I actually prefer not to since I like one on one time the most. It did help though that Hank managed to be cordial with my other partner despite his feelings. I really appreciated that.