Passive aggressive

Rthat69

Rthat69

New member
My wife and I have had a poly relationship with another married couple for about two years now. The four of us socialize together often, but we don't often have sex all together, maybe twice just for fun. We usually have seperate dates once a week or less, and if we all socialize on any given evening, then decide to sleep with our "other" we head for different bedrooms.

Anyways... On nights when my wife has a "date", when she comes home I always just politely ask how the evening was, she can give as much detail as she wants, I leave that up to her. I also usually leave any "real life" stuff until the morning, so she can enjoy the after glow of the evening

The problem is, it's not reciprocal... Most times when I come home from a date she will either badger me for details, or start getting after me for real life issues. It's almost like she's jealous but doesn't want to admit it, so finds other ways to get it out of her system.

I've tried talking to her about it but she tells me I'm crazy. Not sure how to deal with this.
 
Does she act similarly after you've been out with other friends, at a work thing, etc.? If it's ONLY after dates, I withhold it reapproaching at some point and kindly point out that you've noticed this trend and that you want to help her feel more connected/supported/whatever. If she still won't admit there's a problem, then the next time she does it, tell her something like "I would really love to (cuddle, watch TV, chitchat) with you before bed since I've been out all evening but I understand if you'd rather not. I'm not mentally up for important life stuff right now, unfortunately, so this conversation needs to wait until tomorrow. OR "I don't feel comfortable with too much detail since it involves another person as well. (Insert whatever info you're ok with). What about your evening? Did you have a good time?"
 
Rthat69 said:
Most times when I come home from a date she will either badger me for details, or start getting after me for real life issues.
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I do not want to excuse her actions; since you have spoken to her before. As well as she should not be calling you crazy as that isn't really appropriate communication.

Could it be that she doesn't view her questions as badgering? That, to her, they are just normal questions? My mom is like this; she has no concept of too much or how personal.

One thing you could try is for the real life things, either before as a sit down talk, or during her doing it, say: "I really appreciate that you feel comfortable enough to be honest with me, but can we save RL stuff for the day after a date night? I want to be able to give things as much thought and attention as they deserve."

And for the questions: "Since these situations involve other people, I don't want to share all the details. As well as sometimes I want to

It's almost like she's jealous but doesn't want to admit it, so finds other ways to get it out of her system.
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If she won't admit why she is doing something, let alone that she is doing something, the only actions you can control are yours.

Maybe try asking her (when removed from this exact situation, just in a regular couples talk), "Are there any times/situations that make you feel insecure, jealous or negative feelings?" and proceed from there.

Otherwise, try to let her deal with her own emotions on her own; if she won't share and allow you to help, you can't make her. Make your own boundaries and stick to them.

Good luck
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

The problem is, it's not reciprocal... Most times when I come home from a date she will either badger me for details, or start getting after me for real life issues. It's almost like she's jealous but doesn't want to admit it, so finds other ways to get it out of her system.

I've tried talking to her about it but she tells me I'm crazy. Not sure how to deal with this.
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How about just stop talking then? No more explaining. :confused:

You just DO and say "no" instead?

It doesn't have to be a big deal.

I might be wrong but to me is sounds like maybe she wants to reconnect but doesn't come right out and say so. My mom wants to know EVERYTHING about my life and peppers me with questions. What she hungers for is connection and relationship with me. But she doesn't come right out and say that. She peppers and to me it feels like word bullets. Bam. Bam. Bam. When I'm tired, I don't want to be doing word bullets.

My dad? He makes "jobs." He also wants connection and relationship with me. But he doesn't come right about say that. He brings me jobs to do. Like why would I come over there and help him make punch? It's just punch. Pour and stir, dude. And Mom is right there if he actually needs help. I personally do not need to be making punch. But it isn't the job. It that he misses me and wants to see me.

So maybe that gives you another POV to think about when your wife is coming at you when you were gone? It doesn't necessarily have to be jealousy. It might be... but maybe it's a need for connection. Is she good at stating needs? Or could she point from a list? Here's the NVC one.

https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory

You come home from date. You want to chillax.

  • Wife asks for lots of details? And you have already shared all you feel like sharing? "That's all I'm willing to share right now. I'm beat. I see you want to talk more and reconnect. How about you and me plan to talk and reconnect at ____? Then you can have rested and refreshed me and not worn out me. I missed you. "
  • Wife wants to do chores and real life stuff? "No, thanks. I'm beat. I see you want to do the house chores planning. How about email me a list now? Or we talk in person in the morning at X o'clock? Or both? "

Then it doesn't matter if she thinks you are "crazy" or not.

You are moving the conversation forward rather than getting stuck on side trip "evaluations."

Here's another approach. One kid was wanting to talk to me about pets.

I said "No. Right person. Wrong place. We are driving in 6 lane road. Wrong time. Rush hour traffic. I need my eyes on the road for the safety of all. Try later."

And the kid went "Oh. Right." And shut up.

Then later I got hit up again to talk about pets. And even though I don't esp want more pets, and I don't esp want to talk about pets? This kid likes pets. So I listened. Because I'm the right person, it was at home, at bedtime now. So no car danger. Still not gonna get more pets, but I did listen. Scratch my back? I scratch yours. Because the kid listened to me when I said "no."

Nobody is going to do your personal boundaries but you. So enforce them. Be kind, but firm.

Galagirl
 
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Hi Rthat69,

When your wife says you're crazy, she is literally gaslighting you. Don't stand for it. Tell her, "I am definitely not crazy, and I would appreciate it if you would stop saying that." As for the behavior you are trying to address, I would say, something like, "Honey, when you get home from a date, I let you choose the amount of detail you give me, and I spare you of any 'real life' stuff until morning. I expect you to give me the same courtesy." Then, when she doesn't give you that courtesy, when she badgers you for details, you say, "We've talked about this. I expect you to let me choose the amount of details I share. I am already at my limit for sharing details right now. Please stop badgering me about it." When she starts getting after you for real life issues, you say, "We've already talked about this. I don't get after you for real life issues when you've just gotten home from a date, I expect the same courtesy. We can talk about real life issues tomorrow morning."

You don't need to raise your voice or speak in an angry tone. But you do need to stand up for yourself. Don't just let her do that. Address her passive aggressive behavior head-on. Alternatively, when she starts to act out like that, you could say, "Honey, when you act this way, I wonder if jealousy could be the reason. Are you jealous?" By saying that, you are redirecting the conversation, and it is not her dictating to you the terms of the conversation. This is another way to approach the problem, but I would suggest you first try the approach in the above paragraph. Don't cater to her passive-aggressiveness; instead direct the conversation towards her actual behavior, rather than what you think might be causing it. By acting passive-aggressive, she is trying to push you into being a mind-reader. Refuse to be pushed around like that. Address the behavior itself. If she wants you to address the cause, she can ask you in explicit terms.

Anyway, those are some of my thoughts ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Spot on advice Kevin, that’s my wife to a tee. Took me years to work out.

Rthat69 - it can be a tough road, but push back respectfully as Kevin suggests. Maybe even try couples therapy, in my case it made my wife realise/admit what she was doing when the therapist called her on it as she would constantly deny my view. Still working on it, it takes time but progress can be made. Good luck.
 
Thanks Ozcountryguy.
 
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