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*sigh*
Yeah I know, you'll have none of nobody's projecting and whatever. But I wish so badly that I had the time or the inclination to find the threads in the forum site I used to post at, before I came here, for years, where I defended my ex and my marriage even though I knew damn well that it was a sinking ship. Deep down, I knew. But I wasn't ready to pull the trigger and put it out of its misery. I was really determined to make it work. When people told me I should just leave, I got so mad. What a selfish thing to do, to destroy a family for "my happiness." What a bad person I'd be if I followed everyone's advice. They clearly don't know what they're talking about with MY situation.
I was not ready.
Not until he started threatening harm to himself and others. That's what it had to take. Mine was not even cheating or anything. It was just not a very fulfilling relationship. Anyhow the only thing I can say is that I do get it...if/when the day comes where it's really that bad and you KNOW that you're done, you will know. Until and unless that day dawns, no one can tell you that you should leave this man. OK. But for what it's worth, it can get really, REALLY bad in other ways if you try too hard to stick it out and it finally crashes and burns. If I'd left a couple of years ago, as many people told me I should do and I spoke in your voice with similar words and said "No, thank you!" to that advice...if I'd left then though, my credit wouldn't be destroyed like it now is. I'd have been able to start over far more comfortably. At the time, it seemed like things were NOT financially comfortable for that to happen and it would not work...but then it got way, way worse before the end but I had no choice, so I MADE it work and left for my own safety and that of my son.
So.
You're not ready to leave. That's ok.
Watch the signs. And have an out...just in case. That, I would suggest to you. Is that fair?
He isn't all bad, no, of course he isn't. Mine wasn't, either. Mine was mostly good, totally devoted, utterly faithful, gave everything he had. Sure he was kind of unstable, insecure, immature, but I managed all of that! I kept him sane. Until one day I couldn't.
Am I projecting? Oh, sure. I don't suggest your fellow will lose his mind and try to kill you. But I do think you should consider that ideally, you are adults at a negotiating table. Have you seen Pawn Stars? Eventually if the seller needs a price that the buyer won't offer, the seller takes their goods and leaves. Or the buyer says, "Sorry we couldn't make a deal" and walks away. When people negotiate in good faith, the option to walk away from the deal should ALWAYS be at least possible. And each person should have some idea of where their "no deal" point lies. Consider that. Think on it. Even if you are not there. That's all I am saying.
Oh, and nobody is shaming you here. That's damned ridiculous, sorry. You are simply defending yourself against a message you do not want to hear.
People saying things you don't want to hear, isn't "shaming." You just aren't prepared to seriously consider ending your relationship an option at this time. That's fine, it's your life and your choice. Maybe that will change, or maybe it won't. We don't know and neither do you.
But I'll tell you one thing though, if you try to take on responsibility for his bad behavior by saying it is your jealousy to figure out, you're gaslighting yourself. Because no, it is a perfectly natural emotional reaction to him doing a wrong thing. Just because he found a way to justify it and make it ok in his heart, doesn't mean that you get to be the big martyr and die inside for his sins. Personally, I don't like the concept or word "jealousy" all that much, because it means different things to different people and it's a one word term for something that's almost always more complicated.
So get this. If my partner has another partner, and people are being ethical, and she and I get along well, I have zero jealousy of this real other person. Now introduce instead the notion that "on nights he and I aren't together, he MIGHT be seeing another woman" and I don't know, or if I don't know her, or worse if we know each other but don't get along and she hates me... All of my jealousy feelings have to do with:
- I'm not getting enough, my needs not met.
- Uncertainties, unknowns, about my security in relationship position with my partner.
- Bad self esteem gremlins "I'm not good enough, I'm not really lovable, I don't deserve to be happy" stuff.
If what you think you are feeling is "jealousy" then odds are, you need to unpack. There's more than that there. Yours might be made up of ingredients like:
- I have ethical discomforts with enabling behavior that goes against my morals. Especially when he seems to act like I should accept it as ok/normal.
- He lied to me and continues to participate in deceits, my trust of him is damaged.
- He seems to be promising her resources and I worry that he will continue to treat our relationship as a priority.
etc. Unpack it. Not all of this is YOUR stuff. And frankly...some of it, you've got to ask yourself if you really WANT to "get over" or change? Feeling moral qualms about something that you know is wrong, and doing mental gymnastics to try and "be ok" with it...do you want to be a less ethical human? It's your choice, certainly, but worth thinking about.
Also, you say you're willing to go "toe to toe" with him...are you saying that you are willing to fight him for control of the future of your relationship, or what? That was an odd way to put that. Seriously, no matter how much fight you've got in you, you're not gonna make a tiger change his stripes by sheer force of will.
And finally, nobody anywhere, no matter how sure they are that they're right, has any business of telling you what to do...like we can say the words, but it doesn't matter. Because it isn't our lives, it's YOUR life. That should be very obvious, but remember when you feel the need to defend yourself against the messages you don't want to hear. So you're not going to leave. OK. No need to take out your bad feelings on posters who do in fact wish you were happier in life. No one is attacking you. Just take the bits that are good food for thought, and discard the rest!
Best wishes and good luck to you!
