Pink's Journey

PinkPig said:
I don't know if Blue is in denial or if he just wasn't ready to be honest with me about his priorities.
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He's only known her for a few months. How high are the chances of NRE fading?
 
Tinwen said:
He's only known her for a few months. How high are the chances of NRE fading?
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It will fade, NRE always does. If I believed that was all this was, I would probably stick around to see if things rebalance. I didn't make this decision lightly or rashly. I have a really good therapist who helped me see things as they are, not as they were. I'm confident this is the right decision. I'm feeling better about it today :)
 
Hannahfluke said:
It sounds like Blue may be caught in the same pattern of thinking, from what you said about his views of you being primary simply because you're local.
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That makes sense. You're probably right. Blue and I were planning to move in together next year when Jade leaves for college. Blue really wants an anchor partner and Azure's life is such that she can't be that right now.
 
I'm glad you're more at peace with your decision today. It really does sound like you did the best thing for yourself. It would have been so much harder to do, even just logistically, once you moved in together. And it does sound like this is something that you didn't do spur of the moment like, I know that you've been posting about trying to get a handle on it for a while on your blog.
 
Life has a way of giving you what you thought you wanted, after you changed your mind again. :rolleyes:

Things are not going well with Blue & Azure. I know this because, despite my intentions to do otherwise, Blue & I have continued to have regular contact. Not daily, but most days. And, we spend time together. It's not exactly a platonic friendship but there's also no sexual contact (my choice, not his.) I know this isn't the proper way to break up....but it also feels right so I'm going with it. My therapist of course, is not on board, lol.

Things with Azure are falling apart fast. It seems Azure wants a closed, monogamous relationship...and closed from any type of contact with me. Blue, being Blue, bristles at any type of infringement on his freedom. It was one issue we had. Needless to say, he is not in agreement. So, he's grieving the impending loss of that relationship and the changes within our relationship. Ironically, he has offered me a kind of open-lite arrangement if I will take him back. As in, open for the occasional casual fling or fwb, and for threesomes. At one time, this may have appealed to me...but now, I'm...idk, open/poly weary? I think with another partner, this arrangement might sound perfect. Not so much with Blue. Honestly, I really just doubt that Blue will be happy with this arrangement long-term. No doubt the casual flings/fwbs would become more. And, I know I do not wish to be poly with Blue any longer. He's a sloppy hinge and frequently picks women who are mono or prefer a different style of poly than I do. I've told him for now, I wish to continue with whatever it is our relationship has become.

Work continues to kick my butt. Too many 12-13-14 hour days and Saturdays. Not enough time with Jade. I really want to enjoy this last time she has in high school/in my home but am finding it so hard when I am just TIRED. I do have another business trip to a southern coastal area coming up in just over a month. If I can work it with her father, I may be able to bring her for a long weekend and send her home to her father, for school. Regardless, I am planning a summer vacation with Jade, Emerald, Ruby, and Ruby's fiance...whom I will call Amethyst.

In other news, the new year and the breakup have been great for my weight! Working out relaxes me and reduces my stress level...and I haven't been hungry so I'm now maintaining at my ideal weight. And, I feel more toned :)
 
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In other news, a business acquaintance asked me out for drinks. He's not my usual type but is very attractive, smart, and funny. And younger than I usually date.
 
How did the drinks go?
 
Why do I do the things I do? That's the question of the day. Blue and I are back to having sex. It wasn't my intention...I know it's not really the right thing for me. It's just hard to transition from frequent, regular sex to no sex. At least that's the reasoning I tell myself. In reality, I know that it's much more complicated than that. My heart hasn't let go of Blue yet. I am stuck in that place of wanting to let go and wanting to hang on. I know this is not the right thing for me....letting go feels right. Being with Blue feels too chaotic and painful. And yet, I find myself planning a weekend away with him... all the while telling him that this does not mean that we're back together. :rolleyes: It seems I've mastered the art of mixed messages :/ I'm working in therapy on untangling the reasons why I can't (won't) let go of Blue.

I am trying the online dating thing again. The views and likes are good for inflating my ego, lol. But, then, my lack of desire to actually meet anyone leaves me feeling a bit like I'm using them? I tell myself that I just haven't 'met' anyone that I click with. I am picky. But, is it that, or is it that I'm not ready to date yet? I'm thinking it's the latter. It's times like this that I wish casual sex worked for me...that it didn't leave me feeling emptier.

The other parts of my life are going well. Work is still way too busy which is both good (for business and good for my checkbook-bonuses!) and bad (for my social life...though it does prevent me from becoming too entangled with Blue again.) And, it looks like it will work out for Jade to join me for a weekend on the coast during my business trip. It's a week long business trip, so I'll have beach time with Jade followed by business things, and ending with a solo weekend on the coast, just for me :) Ruby's wedding plans are moving along. I am so excited to be a mother-in-law!

Things with my mother are about the same...sometimes she recognizes me, frequently she doesn't. But, she generally seems happy. And, it's fun watching her rediscover her likes/dislikes. She now likes things she disliked before and vice versa. I can choose to view that as disconcerting and sad...or I can choose to enjoy the changes. I've chosen the latter....I'm actually having fun watching my mother try things that for her, feel like 'the first time' :)
 
Don't beat yourself up about having sex with blue. Relapses happen and don't necessarily mean getting back together <3 Continue to be kind to yourself.

But oooh a holiday, that sounds like fun! I hope you have a great time at the beach. :)

I think we're all still trying to figure out why we do the things we do...;) A life long search indeed...

((hug)) You're doing so well with hanging in there about everything with your mom, work, ex's, therapy.
 
Thank you, Starlight. One of the major things we are working on in therapy is unraveling why it is so difficult for me to let go of people. I'm sure it's wrapped up in my abandonment issues...we are having some success with those.

Things are much the same. Still seeing Blue a few times a week...sometimes just for dinner or a movie. Sometimes, for sex. I'm trying not to beat myself up or feel stressed about it but just to go with the flow and let things evolve or unravel as they will, without interference or opposition from me. At least I have more peace about it, I guess.

My work trip is coming up soon. Jade and I are both excited :) I'm also planning a long visit to see Ruby and his fiance. With Emerald in college and Jade still in high school, it is difficult to plan a visit that they both can attend. It is looking like that may have to be when school ends for the year, as opposed to an early spring vacation, like I'd prefer.

Online dating is not really going anywhere. The likes, views, and messages were good for making me feel attractive, lol. But, my lack of desire to actually meet anyone was causing me anxiety...so I've taken a break again. Some day, I'm sure I'll be ready to date. Probably when I've finished learning whatever it is I need to learn in this relationship/thing with Blue. In the meantime, I will just enjoy the freedom of being single :)
 
In typical Blue fashion, he made arrangements to meet a woman he's been chatting with, during the weekend we were planning away. Without discussing it with me first. Weekend is cancelled and I think the breakup will stick this time.
 
(((HUGS)))

Sometimes endings (and beginnings and middles, too, lol) can be incredibly complicated.
 
Thanks, Claire. I knew letting go of the relationship was the right thing. I guess I just needed time.

Blue does not understand why I was hurt that he'd make plans to meet up with someone while away for the weekend with me. I'm still not clear whether he was planning to ditch me for a few hours, or was thinking he could drag me into a potential threesome with unknown woman? I'm guessing it was the latter. I shouldn't have been surprised. He wanted to come with me on a business trip last summer so he could meet a woman he'd been chatting with on OKC while I was in business meetings. I've known we weren't long-term compatible for a long-time...but I kept trying to force myself to fit into a relationship model that didn't work for me because I didn't want to let go. I think I'm finally ready. It hurts but it feels right.
 
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