PinkPig
Well-known member
It seems I'm at a crossroads. Or maybe it's a midlife awakening? At any rate, my life is changing so quickly that I barely have time to process one change and regain my footing, before the next has my head spinning again. Seems like an appropriate time to start a blog
I am Pink. I am mother to Jade, Emerald, and Ruby. Emerald is away at college, and Ruby is an adult, living his life. In less than 2 years, Jade will leave the nest, too. In less time than that, I will be a mother-in-law. It's ironic how both quickly and slowly, children grow up.
I am partner to Blue. We live apart, not by choice, but by circumstances. I say that, and yet, the certainty that I felt about that (and the certainty that I felt that we would ultimately live together), has slipped away. I do not know where we'll be a year from now, or even a month from now. For his part, Blue still claims certainty....but sometimes his actions speak otherwise. And sometimes my heart whispers otherwise.
I have no other partners. Haven't really since Snow left, almost two years ago. I have tried dating, but I find it daunting. Perhaps because I have such little experience with it? The relationships with Blue, and Snow, and my ex (father of my children), happened all quite by accident, not by design. So consciously seeking out partners feels awkward and time consuming? If poly is a spectrum, I'd guess myself to be closer to the mono side. I love so many things about poly...and I love Blue, who is so very poly, but right now I have no desire to be poly. Perhaps it's lack of time? I run a small business, with all the busyness that entails. A small business on the cusp of something new (and uncertain.)
Blue has two other partners. Both LDR. He's been with Sage a few months. Their relationship has been rather dramatic, with many ups and downs, and not really much physical time together. Partly because of the distance, partly because she works even more than me, and partly, I suspect, because of me. She claims herself to be poly but I've yet to see evidence of that. She is, at least poly-friendly. We don't speak often, but we can and have. Not quite the kitchen-table-poly that Blue & I prefer, but friendly and cooperative. I suspect this will either calm down and develop into something more soon....or fizzle out. I guess we'll see.
Azure is his new LDR partner, very new and very mono, and most definitely not poly friendly. She knows he dates other people...but she has no desire to know anything more than that. She claims acceptance that he dates others...because she says she knows monogamy isn't realistic when they can only see each other for two long weekends per month. But that statement makes me feel squeamish? Maybe because I think she thinks of herself as his primary and the "others" as fulfilling a sexual need? Or maybe because it makes me uneasy that Blue can be so willing to be with someone who doesn't know I exist (as in me, as a person)?
This will be Blue & Azure's first weekend together (as in first time for sex and overnights.) I'm feeling unmoored by this relationship. The last night we spent together, Blue got out of bed twice to talk to Azure (the first call woke me, the second call, I was awake.) Yet, this long weekend when they're together, he will not call or text me since that would intrude on Azure's illusion that Blue is *single*. To be fair, I wouldn't expect a call... and only the minimal of texts....and I wouldn't call or text him unless it was truly urgent... it's how I willingly and happily handle his time with Sage. His excitement and the NRE he feels for Azure is palpable. Hence the uneasiness and uncertainty that I feel.
For my part, I am trying very hard to be mindful and present and patient.... to wait and see how things unfold. Mostly, that's working outwordly, not so much inwardly. Hence this journal
I am Pink. I am mother to Jade, Emerald, and Ruby. Emerald is away at college, and Ruby is an adult, living his life. In less than 2 years, Jade will leave the nest, too. In less time than that, I will be a mother-in-law. It's ironic how both quickly and slowly, children grow up.
I am partner to Blue. We live apart, not by choice, but by circumstances. I say that, and yet, the certainty that I felt about that (and the certainty that I felt that we would ultimately live together), has slipped away. I do not know where we'll be a year from now, or even a month from now. For his part, Blue still claims certainty....but sometimes his actions speak otherwise. And sometimes my heart whispers otherwise.
I have no other partners. Haven't really since Snow left, almost two years ago. I have tried dating, but I find it daunting. Perhaps because I have such little experience with it? The relationships with Blue, and Snow, and my ex (father of my children), happened all quite by accident, not by design. So consciously seeking out partners feels awkward and time consuming? If poly is a spectrum, I'd guess myself to be closer to the mono side. I love so many things about poly...and I love Blue, who is so very poly, but right now I have no desire to be poly. Perhaps it's lack of time? I run a small business, with all the busyness that entails. A small business on the cusp of something new (and uncertain.)
Blue has two other partners. Both LDR. He's been with Sage a few months. Their relationship has been rather dramatic, with many ups and downs, and not really much physical time together. Partly because of the distance, partly because she works even more than me, and partly, I suspect, because of me. She claims herself to be poly but I've yet to see evidence of that. She is, at least poly-friendly. We don't speak often, but we can and have. Not quite the kitchen-table-poly that Blue & I prefer, but friendly and cooperative. I suspect this will either calm down and develop into something more soon....or fizzle out. I guess we'll see.
Azure is his new LDR partner, very new and very mono, and most definitely not poly friendly. She knows he dates other people...but she has no desire to know anything more than that. She claims acceptance that he dates others...because she says she knows monogamy isn't realistic when they can only see each other for two long weekends per month. But that statement makes me feel squeamish? Maybe because I think she thinks of herself as his primary and the "others" as fulfilling a sexual need? Or maybe because it makes me uneasy that Blue can be so willing to be with someone who doesn't know I exist (as in me, as a person)?
This will be Blue & Azure's first weekend together (as in first time for sex and overnights.) I'm feeling unmoored by this relationship. The last night we spent together, Blue got out of bed twice to talk to Azure (the first call woke me, the second call, I was awake.) Yet, this long weekend when they're together, he will not call or text me since that would intrude on Azure's illusion that Blue is *single*. To be fair, I wouldn't expect a call... and only the minimal of texts....and I wouldn't call or text him unless it was truly urgent... it's how I willingly and happily handle his time with Sage. His excitement and the NRE he feels for Azure is palpable. Hence the uneasiness and uncertainty that I feel.
For my part, I am trying very hard to be mindful and present and patient.... to wait and see how things unfold. Mostly, that's working outwordly, not so much inwardly. Hence this journal