Please help a newbie

[hapigoth316]

My partner and I have been together nearly three years. We are engaged, and we have a 12-week old daughter.

Less than two weeks ago my partner told me that he wants to be polyamorous. The following day he was on a chat site and just decided to gauge people's reactions to him stating he is poly. He began chatting with a single woman who is interested in being his secondary. However, we as a duo had agreed not to pursue anything until after Christmas, when we'd have the chance to discuss what we both feel we need and how we think it will affect us as a family and a couple.

He has started talking to her on a daily basis, and is already sharing himself between us, and has said he will meet her in the new year. We had already agreed he could meet next year, but hadn't agreed when.

I suffer from depression. He also has depression and Asperger's. It has hit me hard that he feels he needs a secondary partner, but our conversations always seem to be about what he needs. And when I say that I feel that he needs to back away from her and concentrate on us, and both of us being okay to pursue a third, he says I am being a selfish bitch.

He also lied to her about how I feel about the whole situation.

Am I wrong for asking him to take time out to concentrate on us and our relationship before pursuing a third?

Also, did most people find that they were in triads before discussing it, or was it discussed and then pursued?

One last thing I feel I should point out is that he has tried this twice before, once with me being a primary, and once with me being a secondary, and both times he ended it due to distance and the primary admitting she no longer loved him.

 

[hyperskeptic]

My partner and I have been together nearly three years. We are engaged and we have a 12-week old daughter.

Less than two weeks ago, my partner told me that he wants to be polyamorous.

Okay, here's one big red flag! Your daughter is 12-weeks old? As a parent of two girls, I know how all-consuming infants can be.

It seems . . . over-hasty for him to want to "add" someone else to your lives when, really, you've just added someone!

The following day he was on a chat site and just decided to gauge people's reactions to him stating he is poly. He began chatting with a single woman who is interested in being his secondary. However, we as a duo had agreed not to pursue anything until after Christmas, when we'd have the chance to discuss what we feel we both need, and how we feel it will affect us as a family and a couple.

The key phrase: "He just decided" because he wanted to? In direct violation of a clear boundary the two of you had set?

That's another big red flag!

He has started talking to her on a daily basis and is already sharing himself between us and has said he will meet her in the new year (We had already agreed he could meet next year but hadn't agreed when). I suffer from depression. He also has depression and Asperger's. It has hit me hard that he feels he needs a secondary partner. Our conversations always seem to be about what he needs. And when I say that I feel that he needs to back away from her and concentrate on us and both of us being ok to pursue a third he says I am being a selfish bitch.

He also lied to her about how I feel about the whole situation. Am I wrong for asking him to take time out to concentrate on us and our relationship before pursuing a third?

Red flags are popping up like daisies, now. You are not being a bitch, you are not being selfish. You are right to articulate your needs and the needs of your daughter, and to insist on the boundaries you find acceptable. From what you report, he is being a selfish bastard, though.

I know it's too blunt, too rude, but if what you're saying is true, he needs to be called out on this. There is really no reason you should have to put up with this kind of conduct from him, or let yourself be shoved into a relationship model with which you are uncomfortable or for which you are not currently prepared.

Does he really have so little respect for you that your needs and the needs of his daughter count for so little? And really, it seems not to be about what he needs but what he wants. That just doesn't wash.

Also did most people find that they were in triads before discussing it or was it discussed and then pursued?

If you don't agree to it ahead of time, if you don't have an equal role in creating it, is it really a triad? There's a lot of discussion about the term on the forum, just now, but the view that seems most sensible to me is that successful triads cannot be forced into existence simply because one or two people want them to.

It might be worth spending a little time reading around the forum, especially threads on the struggles of other newcomers. There are many ways to be polyamorous, but what they have in common is the notion that any given configuration of relationships must be based on the free and informed consent of all involved.

 

[hapigoth316]

Thank you for your reply. I admit that in the past, when we tried an open relationship, I was pregnant, and I agree that I was bitch to him in regards to that, as I said that it was casual sex, and no more.

He says that he has too much love to give and that is why he feels he needs a third. But my answer to that is "fix us." He doesn't feel that we are breaking. But every day for the past week I have cried over this and considered leaving him. I feel that he doesn't love me, because if he did, then he would consider my feelings before hers.

 

[hyperskeptic]

He says that he has too much love to give and that is why he feels he needs a third. My answer to that is "fix us." He doesn't feel that we are breaking. But every day for the past week I have cried over this and considered leaving him. I feel that he doesn't love me, because if he did, then he would consider my feelings before hers.

Both of you might benefit from reading more widely on the forum. In reply to what you write here, I would say you might look into what is here called NRE, "new relationship energy," which is a term for the way people tend to get twitterpated at the prospect or the reality of something NEW.

It might help you to understand that this shiny new person, whom he has never met in person (that may be key) is really exciting to him, and is taking up a lot of his attention. If your relationship with him has any substance at all, his feelings for and his commitment to you are likely to be deeper, more steady, and much less exciting. (That's assuming a lot about the basis of your relationship with him.)

It might help him to understand the same thing, to distinguish his real and substantial commitment to you. You have a daughter together, after all, which imposes actual obligations on him, from the excitement of the new. Obligations are not exciting, of course, but they are binding, nonetheless.

And, in context, the line that he has "too much love to give" comes across as gold-plated BS. It makes him seem so noble and generous when he may just be selfish and grasping. What he might really mean is that there are a lot of other women out there for him to lay, and he feels he's missing out.

Okay, sorry. I'm being too blunt. If he really is as you portray him, though, he does not exactly excite sympathy.

 

[hapigoth316]

No, I appreciate you being blunt.

I have spoken to his mum previously and she believes it is just an ego trip. She said he may meet them once or twice, but you are always the one that he comes back to at the end of the day.

I agree with you on what you are saying and have said to him that my belief is that it is all shiny and new and will die out in a month or two.

I have even agreed to swinging with him if it is just a case of sex, and we have a meet lined up with a couple who understands us.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I don't think the agreement makes any sense when you have a newborn. How is this the best time to be adding new dating partners, when you have just added a family member, and that's already stressful, and you are still figuring out your roles as new parents? Much too soon, IMHO.

On top of that, he's broken the agreement and is telling lies.

He's also flipping it around on you:

When I say that I feel that he needs to back away from her and concentrate on us, and both of us being ok to pursue a third, he says I am being a selfish bitch.

No, you are not. You are being assertive about your needs, and the needs of your baby. He's either willing to meet these needs, or not. But merely bringing it to his attention is making him aware, not being "selfish."

The one who is being selfish is him, if he's neglecting things at home to go out to play. If he is used to lashing out at you so you fold, so he gets his way, you have much bigger problems than merely "dating."

You cry every day and think about leaving him? This is so not ok. That is your feelings telling you that you are not approaching your limit of tolerance, you are beyond your limit.

Something must change so you can hope to feel better in time. What he does is not in your control. What you do is. I suggest you think long and hard about your engagement and marriage to this man. His behavior sucks. If this is how he behaves toward the mother of his newborn, you could call it a preview of what may come later. Do not get strung along for more of his crazy behavior. Guard against it. Protect your child.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Yeah, he's being a selfish prick. Was this child planned? How on board with being a daddy is he? He might be telling you he's really not that into parenting. Which of course, sucks for you and the baby, and shows immaturity.

My sister and I were unplanned (birth control failure), and my mom has told me that my dad would go out in the evenings leaving her alone with one or two babies (born 15 months apart), not coming in 'til the AM hours. Obviously he wasn't ready for parenthood. She said her tears would fall on our little bald heads.

Let me tell you, when I had a newborn, my husband would not have had time to flirt with other women. If he was home, and I wasn't actually nursing her, he was walking the floors with her or rocking her. After me having a full day of childcare (full days and nights, since of course they don't sleep through the night), and him having a full day at work, plus a long commute, we were both way too exhausted to think of sex with others. We barely had energy for doing the deed with each other! Heck, we were barely able to scarf down some food in big bites.

 

[hapigoth316]

Our daughter was very much planned, and when he is at home he is a very hands-on dad. There is no possible way that I could doubt his parenting. He also has two children from his first marriage that he is an excellent dad to.

 

[GalaGirl]

ETA:

He says that he has too much love to give, and that is why he feels he needs a third.

You could ask how him breaking agreements and ignoring your needs when you bring it to his attention is him giving loving/kind behavior toward you, since he has so much of it to give.

Also did most people find that they were in triads before discussing it, or was it discussed and then pursued?

You could not focus on other people, but focus on yourself. What do you prefer? How do you want to be treated and approached for polyamory? Do you even want to do this with him? Or do you prefer monogamy?

Has tried this twice before-- once with me being a primary, and once with me being a secondary, and both times he ended it due to distance and the primary admitting she no longer loved him.

Are you saying he is in the habit of ignoring you and having other relationships without you agreeing to participate? And you were in the habit of going along with whatever in the past?

I am confused. Would you clarify that? You sound like you are hurting here.

This is not "polyamory," to me. This is "having an affair," and breaking relationship agreements, just "cheating" in front of your face, rather than behind your back.

How do you see yourself getting through this? What would be an "acceptable," "good" or "great" outcome for you?

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I didn't know he was being a "great dad." I thought he was spending a huge amount of his free time chatting up his new girl? So, he's being a "good dad," he's just not giving you attention when the kids' needs are met?

I skimmed over where you said he has Asperger's and depression. Funny, because my dad has Asperger's as well. You know a quality they can have is getting "locked in" to some passion and not realize how their... enthusiasm for it is affecting others. Add in depression and hmm... Have either of you been actually properly diagnosed and treated for the depression?

Again, with a new baby and both of you depressed-- this is definitely not the time to add a lover.

Ditto what GalaGirl said about cheating in plain sight.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Questions:

How is running roughshod over someone else's feelings loving?

How is being inattentive to your current partner's feelings and needs "loving behavior"?

How is creating conflict with your insensitivity to your partner's feelings and needs "good parenting"?

How is creating conflict due to not upholding your current agreements with a partner "loving behavior"?

How is creating conflict due to not upholding your current agreements with a partner "good parenting"?

Sigh.

I know hardly anything about Asperger's/autism. But I do know about depression and I do know about NRE.

His behavior is not loving. It is not responsible. It is not ethical. It is not reasonable.
Depression and NRE are not an excuse for treating your partner as disposable.

I totally understand going poly "the wrong way," because I did it. It has serious consequences.

I wish it were more possible to warn others, when someone is rushing headlong into a relationship with you, without considering their current responsibilities, that it's a clear sign they are not responsible enough to handle multiple relationships.