Hoping for a little advice here. Sorry it’s such a long and complicated story, but I feel the details are specifically relevant here. I love my partner more than life itself. We will call her “T”. I feel like I’ve known her in every other life before this one (if that’s such a thing), and that somehow we will be together in every life after. Our love and partnership and communication have always been very natural. A few months into our relationship, she told me that she was poly, even though she was fresh out of a 10 year monogamous marriage. That before that marriage she had in fact been party to a polyamorous relationship that didn’t work out because of her own jealous feelings. I have always been monogamous myself, for no other reason I suppose than that’s what I had learned and knew.
The idea of a polyamorous relationship, after much discussion, didn’t seem unreasonable to me. I love her way too much to let an arbitrary social norm get in the way of our partnership. After she started engaging other partners, but before I found one, there were the normal and expected jealousy issues and feelings of insecurity that popped up, but we communicated openly with each other, I read tons of articles and books, and I spent quite a bit of time attempting to get to the root cause of my own insecurities to help eliminate the problem. I was actually doing pretty great with it for a while.
Then I found another partner. Lets call her “Kate”. At first “T” was supportive of things, even attempted to engage “Kate” in a friendship. We all went out together and met for drinks a few times. Everything seemed perfect. Chemistry all around. “Kate” and I were slow to physical intimacy. It took a few months, though in all fairness we only saw each other once every week or two. “T” was going through some emotionally difficult times, and I spent the vast majority of my time with her, comforting her, taking care of her. “T” felt bad that because of all of the time I had been spending with her, I had been neglecting developing my relationship with “Kate”, and on one of her better days, invited “Kate” over to her place for some group fun. Mind you, this was not only my first sexual encounter with “Kate”, but also my first threesome.
Everything seemed to go swimmingly. I thought that we all had fun, and that everything was fine. The next morning, after “Kate” left, “T” was in a worse mood than ever. Apparently, now “T” was feeling insecure and jealous because she felt like I was paying more attention to and more interested in “Kate” the night previous. Was I? I don’t know. Perhaps. I wasn’t really paying attention. My first sexual encounter with “Kate” and my first threesome in one night, I was a little overwhelmed. I tried to talk through the feelings of insecurity with “T”, but now all of a sudden my word was worthless. She was convinced that I was going to leave her for “Kate”, and that was it, no matter how much I reassured “T” of my love and devotion to her. I barely even spoke to “Kate” for weeks after that, it had become such a sore spot in our relationship.
After a few weeks of trying to reassure “T” that she was my love and priority, first and foremost, she decided that she just needed to get over it, and that I needed to continue spending time with “Kate” for that to happen. So I did. But things just got worse for “T”. Now all of a sudden, because she was still feeling insecure but wanted me to continue with “Kate”, the deal was that I had to give her every little detail of what “Kate” and I were planning or talking about, and wanted regular detailed updates while “Kate” and I were out. That’s what she said she needed to feel better about things. I attempted to accommodate, but it was never good enough. Some little detail would come out in conversation a few days later, and now I’m the bad guy for hiding and withholding information. I sincerely tried. Things went worse from there. “T” decided to talk to “Kate” about her feelings, and “Kate” didn’t want to deal with it all at the time as she was going through her own stuff. Nearly nuked both relationships. I hunkered down on my relationship with “T”, we talked a lot, worked through things, and several months later our relationship is stronger than it ever was before.
“T” has continued to explore new partnerships, with my encouragement, and has encouraged me to reach out to “Kate” again, even though through the previous crisis “T” and “Kate” had some words and even still refuse to have anything to do with each other. Both of them got hurt through this whole ordeal, and I did too. Add on to that, now “T” has done to me just about everything with her new partners that upset her so much when I made the same mistakes with “Kate”. But I’m just supposed to forgive those and move on, even though it caused weeks of turmoil between us because she couldn’t. Now I’m scared to even think about exploring other relationships for fear of something similar happening again. It’s not worth it to me. I’ve lived mono my whole life up until now. My drive and desire for other relationships doesn’t even come close to the fear and anxiety I have about causing both myself and the people I genuinely care about that kind of pain again. So I can be mono, she can be poly, and everything works out. I avoid the pain, she gets what she wants. Alas, no.
As she now continues to explore other relationships, I once again find myself having negative feelings about it. Only now, not only is it a jealousy that I can’t quite figure out the root cause of (more specifically related to physical intimacy than emotional), but I also feel some resentment towards “T” for it. Like she can have what she wants, and I will deal with my feelings about it in a way that doesn’t interfere with her other relationships; but I can’t have the same, even if I wanted it.
She says that she was going through some tough things at the time, that the situation was unique, and she didn’t handle it well. She’s asking me to give her another chance, to give being poly another chance. It feels like a trap. I don’t know that any potential gain from any other relationship is worth the time, effort, and resources necessary to find and develop another relationship, let alone being worth the risk of the pain and heartache it all caused the first time. I also know that if I can’t find some way to get past the jealousy and resentment, it will destroy the beautiful relationship we have built. Nothing will ever destroy my love for her, but I fear the relationship is doomed if I can’t figure my shit out. And that’s not okay with me. I tell her how I feel, and she gets frustrated because she doesn’t know how to help me either.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated….
The idea of a polyamorous relationship, after much discussion, didn’t seem unreasonable to me. I love her way too much to let an arbitrary social norm get in the way of our partnership. After she started engaging other partners, but before I found one, there were the normal and expected jealousy issues and feelings of insecurity that popped up, but we communicated openly with each other, I read tons of articles and books, and I spent quite a bit of time attempting to get to the root cause of my own insecurities to help eliminate the problem. I was actually doing pretty great with it for a while.
Then I found another partner. Lets call her “Kate”. At first “T” was supportive of things, even attempted to engage “Kate” in a friendship. We all went out together and met for drinks a few times. Everything seemed perfect. Chemistry all around. “Kate” and I were slow to physical intimacy. It took a few months, though in all fairness we only saw each other once every week or two. “T” was going through some emotionally difficult times, and I spent the vast majority of my time with her, comforting her, taking care of her. “T” felt bad that because of all of the time I had been spending with her, I had been neglecting developing my relationship with “Kate”, and on one of her better days, invited “Kate” over to her place for some group fun. Mind you, this was not only my first sexual encounter with “Kate”, but also my first threesome.
Everything seemed to go swimmingly. I thought that we all had fun, and that everything was fine. The next morning, after “Kate” left, “T” was in a worse mood than ever. Apparently, now “T” was feeling insecure and jealous because she felt like I was paying more attention to and more interested in “Kate” the night previous. Was I? I don’t know. Perhaps. I wasn’t really paying attention. My first sexual encounter with “Kate” and my first threesome in one night, I was a little overwhelmed. I tried to talk through the feelings of insecurity with “T”, but now all of a sudden my word was worthless. She was convinced that I was going to leave her for “Kate”, and that was it, no matter how much I reassured “T” of my love and devotion to her. I barely even spoke to “Kate” for weeks after that, it had become such a sore spot in our relationship.
After a few weeks of trying to reassure “T” that she was my love and priority, first and foremost, she decided that she just needed to get over it, and that I needed to continue spending time with “Kate” for that to happen. So I did. But things just got worse for “T”. Now all of a sudden, because she was still feeling insecure but wanted me to continue with “Kate”, the deal was that I had to give her every little detail of what “Kate” and I were planning or talking about, and wanted regular detailed updates while “Kate” and I were out. That’s what she said she needed to feel better about things. I attempted to accommodate, but it was never good enough. Some little detail would come out in conversation a few days later, and now I’m the bad guy for hiding and withholding information. I sincerely tried. Things went worse from there. “T” decided to talk to “Kate” about her feelings, and “Kate” didn’t want to deal with it all at the time as she was going through her own stuff. Nearly nuked both relationships. I hunkered down on my relationship with “T”, we talked a lot, worked through things, and several months later our relationship is stronger than it ever was before.
“T” has continued to explore new partnerships, with my encouragement, and has encouraged me to reach out to “Kate” again, even though through the previous crisis “T” and “Kate” had some words and even still refuse to have anything to do with each other. Both of them got hurt through this whole ordeal, and I did too. Add on to that, now “T” has done to me just about everything with her new partners that upset her so much when I made the same mistakes with “Kate”. But I’m just supposed to forgive those and move on, even though it caused weeks of turmoil between us because she couldn’t. Now I’m scared to even think about exploring other relationships for fear of something similar happening again. It’s not worth it to me. I’ve lived mono my whole life up until now. My drive and desire for other relationships doesn’t even come close to the fear and anxiety I have about causing both myself and the people I genuinely care about that kind of pain again. So I can be mono, she can be poly, and everything works out. I avoid the pain, she gets what she wants. Alas, no.
As she now continues to explore other relationships, I once again find myself having negative feelings about it. Only now, not only is it a jealousy that I can’t quite figure out the root cause of (more specifically related to physical intimacy than emotional), but I also feel some resentment towards “T” for it. Like she can have what she wants, and I will deal with my feelings about it in a way that doesn’t interfere with her other relationships; but I can’t have the same, even if I wanted it.
She says that she was going through some tough things at the time, that the situation was unique, and she didn’t handle it well. She’s asking me to give her another chance, to give being poly another chance. It feels like a trap. I don’t know that any potential gain from any other relationship is worth the time, effort, and resources necessary to find and develop another relationship, let alone being worth the risk of the pain and heartache it all caused the first time. I also know that if I can’t find some way to get past the jealousy and resentment, it will destroy the beautiful relationship we have built. Nothing will ever destroy my love for her, but I fear the relationship is doomed if I can’t figure my shit out. And that’s not okay with me. I tell her how I feel, and she gets frustrated because she doesn’t know how to help me either.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated….
