Please help me fix my mistakes. I need criticism.

G

GSAS082612

New member
I have been told that I am playing the victim within my polyfidelitous relationship. I actually really want to fix that. When I lived at home with my parents, it was about my parents and what I could do for them, how I could make them happy. I was forced to lie and hide things that most teens shouldn't have to do. I didn't have much of a personal life, and when I did, it was only theater (a true passion in my life, irrelevant, but a random fact about me).

So, I pretty much woke up, went to school, went home, did chores, homework, and whatever my mom needed me to do.

I had the occasional boyfriend. It seems I have fallen for guys who best represent the life situation with my parents. I let myself be controlled, demanded of. I allowed myself be reprimanded. At that point in time, I thought that was "okay." I thought that was what was normal.

Then I came across a couple that wanted to bring me into their world. I felt beyond lucky that I’d found two people who wanted me, wanted to help me, save me, I guess. I was grateful for their generosity and the compassion.

But that’s when all the problems happened. I had turmoil with my mother. My biological father was on and off of his death bed frequently. It was terribly depressing. School was much too intense. It seemed to bombard me. All this, while I was trying to cope with a miscarriage. I tried to forget about it, stuff my emotions away, but the smallest things reminded me and killed me.

Within the relationship, I was closed off and rude. I left without telling them. I guess, as they must have seen it, I expected them to take care of me. (I will say this much in my defense-- I didn't. I was in a rough patch and just didn't realize it.)

Samantha frequently wanted me to leave, I am sure. Glenn had to defend me. He gave me the benefit of the doubt. I pretty much made him the fool every time, but he still went to defend me again. There was only one point in which Glenn didn't care if I stayed or left, and that was a tremendously huge fight. Horrible. I was just very cut off and reserved.

The play I was in was not capturing my attention as much as it should have. My schoolwork wasn't important to me. I didn't make an effort until close to the end of the semester.

I was overly emotional, jealous and bitchy. I accused them of not loving/wanting/needing me when they expressed otherwise. The smallest things made me FLIP A BITCH, to be blunt. I had a fiery-red-hot-Latina attitude and I pretty much threw it all out. When I screamed, I screamed loud. When I was silent, it was a deadly silence. And when I was emotional, I was actually really cut off, lying on the shower floor, cutting (a bad addiction I’m still working to get over).

I let my ex-boyfriend torment me. I continued to be friends with bitches who didn't deserve the time of day. I was overly consumed with the computer and sleeping. I cared more about the newest drama than my relationship. I am pretty sure that is exactly how I was for the first three months.

The past two, I have tried to improve. Make more of an effort to say where I am going and when I will be back and who I am with. I have tried to make an effort to be with the two of them but of course, it never goes the way I expect it should. It has been a point in which we are okay, and we are not. I made more of an effort when Glenn found out what Sam did.

At Christmas, he and I had a big fight. I lied about hanging out with someone. I pretty much said I was leaving. I came back a few hours later, and pretty much “conned” Sam into admitting it, because the movie just got me to thinking about hiding things and lying and I felt like shit because I was doing it do Glenn. Well, Glenn found out, and around that time I made more of an effort, cleaning, being close and talkative. Trying to be a shoulder to cry on, etc.

BUT EVERYONE HAS THEIR BREAKING POINT. I was/am overly concerned about myself and what was going to happen to us if Glenn decided to leave. I did not want either of them to leave. I made a hasty decision to leave, to “better” their marriage, and they both were pretty emotional over it. Glenn cried twice in front of me because he a) didn't want me to leave because he loves me and b) he hated breaking promises to me.

I was just really confused and hurt because they were promising the relationship to last and work, that Glenn would never leave. It was at that point that I lost my cool.

I see the wrongs, now that I am thinking about it.

How do I fix them? How do I be a better partner to them, and not freak out at them for what they are going through? I know Glenn needs his time. They need to fix their marriage. I know that Glenn has his emotions. We don’t want him to be closed off. How I can make it easier for them? I just want to fix the relationship and hopefully but it in a point where we can all benefit from the hard time right now.

“If love were easy, it wouldn't be worth it.”

“It’s not over if it's hard. If it's hard, it’s only the beginning.”

I want to believe both of those quotes are true.
 
You keep posting the same thing. People keep giving you the same advice. And when you don't like what they have to say, you start a new thread. Do you think that you're going to eventually hear the magic words that will make everything better?

Actually, I think the three of you deserve each other. I think you all enjoy feeding off of each other's drama. Why ruin it for yourselves?
 
With the new information you've given us, all I can add is: counseling, for all three of you, both as a group and individually. You need professional help. In my opinion, you have issues that go beyond the scope of this forum. To move past your upbringing, learn healthy coping skills, learn healthy relationship skills, etc., will take regular, ongoing work for quite some time, as I see it. Maybe even years. If you want to be with these people, in a healthy environment that doesn't damage the children being brought into this drama, then you have to start doing serious work, beyond a website of strangers.
 
GSAS082612 said:
I just want to fix the relationship and hopefully but it in a point where we can all benefit from the hard time right now.
Click to expand...

Boring Guy is right. Many folks here have gone to great lengths to provide you with an alternate perspective, possible resources, and advice to the best of their ability.

Are you looking for something in particular? Maybe that is where you should start: telling us what very specific response you are looking for.

GSAS082612 said:
“If love were easy, it wouldn't be worth it.”
Click to expand...

That is a horrible saying. Love that is effortless is beautiful.
 
If being with Sam and Glenn does not bring out your best self, why be with them? :(

“If love were easy, it wouldn't be worth it”

“It’s not over if it's hard. If its hard, it’s only the beginning.”

I want to believe both of these quotes are true.
Click to expand...

I see that you want to believe in those quotes, so perhaps your suffering would have been for a reason rather than for nothing. But what's your direct experience been so far? What's your reality? Not your want or your I wish it were... your reality?

If you have to struggle to convince yourself to stay, that could be telling you something. If you struggle and want to believe those quotes, rather than just believing them, that could be telling you something. Why ignore your own gut?

If you have tried to leave before and they make it hard for you to leave, giving mixed messages, that's manipulative.

I can see why they wouldn't want their live-in sex toy/babysitter to walk off. Can you?

If you have left before, lied to them and gone elsewhere, something here is not bringing out your best self, is not helping you to feel safe and secure. Why keep wishing to find something here that just isn't here? You gave it a try, and it's the end of the run. IT IS NOT ALL YOU. Yes, there are places you could improve, but you are not in a triad alone. Blame-shifting is a tactic.

I think, deep down, you know that you are not healthy here and struggle to come to terms with that. Your return on your investment is unsatisfactory. Why invest more time, energy, emotion? It's not looking likely to be any different. :(

This may be hard to hear. I apologize, but it is well meant. I am not saying you are being abused. I certainly hope you are not being emotionally or mentally abused on top of everything else. But you are in a very weird dynamic over there. And you have had a rough past. I'm not sure you can see straight. There are lots of red flags. :(

You sound very Stage 2 in your posts, where you keep wishing the bad stuff would just stop so you could get to be happy. You could take a deep breath and then...
Take a look at speak out loud list of tactics. Does anything ring some bells?

Perhaps you feel stuck and unable to leave because of a lack of funds, lack of help from family, or other friends. Is this where you are also at? Not freely able to go, not just emotionally, but in practical terms too?

You are not satisfied there. Your needs are not met. You are not being treated well. You are not being shown consistent love, caring, or respectful behavior. You are on an emotional roller coaster. You do not have to remain committed to this type of treatment. You are not bad to want to stop it and not have this in your life.


From your first post about whether or not you should throw in the towel, I've seen your struggle. I truly am sorry you struggle. I see that you suffer. I am sad that you are in this space. As painful as coming to terms with the reality is... it is still the reality you have on your hands right now. :(

If they are not changing their behavior, despite your asking them to, the relationship WILL NOT BE FIXED. NOTHING you can do will solve it. Because 100% of your effort alone is not enough. 100% of your effort represents only 33.33% of the fuel to run a trio. If the other people are not there in it as solid as you, all your work is for naught. Your wants, needs and limits will just not be met. The relationship will bring you nothing new, just more of same shit, different day. If you are also suffering emotional, mental, psychological or physical abuse, it's that much higher in volume in terms of suffering.

I can offer sympathy.
I can offer you the knowledge that I do read all your words.
I can tell you that I see you suffer; you do not suffer unseen and alone.
But I cannot magically wave a wand and make it get better for you.
Only you have the power to seek local aid for yourself.

I will continue to hope that things eventually get better for you and you reach your next future happiness. But before anyone can give you advice on how to get to that future happiness goal, you have to come to some kind of decision that is different than "Tell me how to fix the unfixable."

There is no fix. You have already tried. There is only "leave this dynamic."

Change something. Stop living together. Leave them entirely. Anything. See if changes help you feel better. Even go home to your family of origin to take a break from all this and get some perspective, rest, etc. SOMETHING new. YKWIM?

Being ready to change something/leave and being able to change something/leave SAFELY-- those are other problems. I know that. You have to take this in layers, one baby step at a time.

I truly hope you are safe enough right now as you sort out what you want your next steps to be.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I have read all your threads.

You are 18 years old. You went from your family to living with this couple.

I have only one piece of advice for you:

Go out into the world and be on your own. Live on your own or with roommates, but not in a romantic/sexual relationship. Get to know yourself. Better yet: don't be in any romantic/sexual relationship until you've been on your own for a while. Get help, counseling, therapy, to help you get to know yourself. Have the courage to be alone.

And while I am sorry for you that you are hurting about the miscarriage, please, I beg you, don't even think about having a baby until you are in a better place.
 
I saw this anonymous quote elsewhere tonight, and when I read this thread, I remembered it.

"When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town. As an older man, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself. Suddenly, I've realized that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world."

You are the only thing over which you have control.
 
I read this thread twice today, and avoided replying. Then, after the kids' homework, and other stuff, and settling down for the night to go to sleep, it came back to my mind. I laid there thinking, "You can only change yourself." So I got back up out of bed to write a short response.

It seems we are programmed somewhere along the line to think that stomping our feet and demanding changes and answers will accomplish something. But the truth is that every person is an individual and has the right to make myriad choices every day.

You keep asking for how to make this work. There is no answer for that question. You are asking the wrong question.

The question is-- what do you need to change about yourself to become the best version of yourself? Not who do you need, because you don't need anyone for this. You alone must figure out what it is you need to change in yourself to be the best version of yourself.

Then, make those changes.

In doing so, you might find that the situation works. Or you may find that it does not work and you are ok with it.

Either way, you are trying to focus on the problem in order to find the answer. You need to focus on the answer in order to resolve the problem.

The problem is that you don't like ABC...XYZ about your situation, all of which is a product of your choices. (Even if it's their behavior, you are involved due to your own choices.) So, change yourself, to be the best version of yourself, so you attract people who like that version of you, and people who love that version of you, and help foster that version of you.

If those two people end up doing that, great.
If not, so long.

Heavy and strong feelings of affection do not equate love, and love does not equate compatibility.

What you feel about them is (to be frank) completely irrelevant that this point.
What is relevant is this-- YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON SELF-IMPROVEMENT.

Try reading The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Pema Chodron. It may help some.

Finally, I second the above poster, regardless of breaking up or not, MOVE OUT ON YOUR OWN. There is a lot of personal growth that happens much quicker and more easily when you are on your own. What will take you 20 years to figure out while jumping from one failed relationship to another will take two years of living on your own, if that.
 
I just saw this post and had to read all your previous ones to completely understand.

So, here is my input: I have been in and out of poly-relationships since I was 17. I have been with people 10+ years my senior. I have never been happier than when I was with a man and woman who were completely compatible with me. But that is irrelevant. It's just simply an understanding to being with a "much older man". He doesn't seem all that old. He's 17 years your senior. My parents are 20 years apart and they've never been happier. The age difference doesn't seem as big of a deal to me.

You say a lot of the same things in different ways. I am not sure if you realize this, but I have, and so have many others. But unlike what BoringGuy said, I am not going to be so senselessly cruel. All you are trying to do is get help, it seems, and I commend you for that. Not many really realize it.

You obviously have a lot of love and care for these two, but are blinded by the imperfection of it all. No love is perfect. Yes, effortless love is beautiful, but no love is perfect, so you can't say it is effortless.

Now, your girlfriend. You and she seem to be at odds with each other. You are too similar, or too different. Despite the odds you are at with each other, passion seems to come from your end and that is important. Just make sure she knows that, not just you. You two seem to be wanting the same thing, but going round and round each other, so you don't see the effort either of you are making. And that can be confusing. Just communicate. That is my biggest and best advice I can give as far as her.

I see that you yearn for a child as well. Waiting or not, you need to be on the same page as your lovers are. I can see why are so upset with the loss of your daughter. I empathize with you, sweetie. I am sorry. I just have to say everything takes time. And you have to give it time.

My best advice-- no one can change you, and no one can tell you what to do to fix it. Only you can. So, do it. COMMUNICATE and don't be irrational. Give each other time to talk. Give each other all that you need. alone and together. With just:
A.
S.
G.
A+S.
A+G.
S+G.
A+S+G.

YOU ALL need that individual time and together time. It will be skewed and maybe you aren't ready but if you love them as much as you say you do, you can only do what is best for you, and if that's them, then you need to work on what you want to fix.

You've realized your flaws now, what are YOU going to change them. No one on here can tell you what to do. But also, it's not just you or them. or either or, you ALL have flaws to work on. Work on them together or apart, just work on them, you seem to need a lot of time with your lovers, love them, talk to them, communicate. Give them time, as they should give you the time as well.

GSAS082612 said:
The past two, I have tried to improve. Make more of an effort to say where I am going and when I will be back and who I am with. I have tried to make an effort to be with the two of them but of course, it never goes the way I expect it should. It has been a point in which we are okay, and we are not.
Click to expand...

Keep This Going. KEEP FIGHT AND KEEP TRYING IF ITS WHAT YOU WANT.
No one can make any of these decisions though. You have to.

I'm always here to help, if you want.

Remember: COMMUNICATE
 
enablers, enablers, everywhere. refusing to enable someone's denial labeled "senselessly cruel". tra-la-la. carry on.
 
LikeFireToIce said:
I just past this post and had to read all your previous ones to completely understand.

So, here is my input: I have been in and out of poly-relationships since I was 17. I have been with people 10+ my senior. I have never been happier than when I was with a man and woman who were completely compatible with me. But that is irrelevant. It's just simply an understanding to being with a "much older man". He doesn't seem all that old. He's 17 years your senior. My parents are 20 years apart and they've never been happier. The age difference doesn't seem as big of a deal to me.

You say a lot of the same things, in different ways, I am not sure if you realized this, but I have and so have many others but unlike what BoringGuy said, I am not going to be so senselessly cruel. All you are trying to do is get help it seems and I commend you for that. Not many really realize it and you obviously have a lot of love and care for these two but are blinded by the imperfection of it all. No love is perfect. Yes, effortless love is beautiful but no love is perfect, so you can;t say it is "effortless".

Now, your girlfriend. You and her seem to be at odds with each other, are you too similar, too different. Despite the "odds" your at with each other, passion seems to come from your end and that is important. Just make sure she knows that, not just you. You two seem to be wanting the same thing but going round and round each other, so you don't see the effort either of you are making. And that can be confusing. Just communicate. That is my biggest and best advice I can give as far as her.

I see that you yearn for a child as well. Waiting or not, you need to be on the same page as your lovers are. And I can see with why you are so upset with the loss of your daughter, I empathize with you, sweetie, I am sorry. I just have to say everything takes time. And you have to give it time.

My best advice, no one can change you, and no one can tell you what to do to fix it. Only you can. So, do it. COMMUNICATE and don't be irrational. Give each other time to talk. Give each other all that you need. alone and together. With just:
A.
S.
G.
A+S.
A+G.
S+G.
A+S+G.
YOU ALL need that individual time and together time. It will be skewed and maybe you aren't ready but if you love them as much as you say you do, you can only do what is best for you, and if that's them, then you need to work on what you want to fix.

You've realized your flaws now, what are YOU going to change them. No one on here can tell you what to do. But also, it's not just you or them. or either or, you ALL have flaws to work on. Work on them together or apart, just work on them, you seem to need a lot of time with your lovers, love them, talk to them, communicate. Give them time, as they should give you the time as well.



Keep This Going. KEEP FIGHT AND KEEP TRYING IF ITS WHAT YOU WANT.
No one can make any of these decisions though. You have to.

Always here to help if you want.

Remember: COMMUNICATE
Click to expand...

If we are all being honest here, you sound JUST like my boyfriend... Kinda creepy. Thanks for the advice all of you, at least those who are being nice. I don't need the criticism, I am looking for help. I appreciate that you gave me it. But seriously...... you sound like my boyfriend o_O
 
This needs to be blunt. People are giving you really good advice here (not just here but your other threads too). You are at a point in your life however where two things are in conflict:

  1. the only power you have is the power to change yourself
  2. only adults understand the above statement

So, in a nutshell, you're a helical trace about an axis on an inclined plane (Big Bang Theorem - sorry, couldn't resist a bit of humor)*




* i.e., you're screwed. Seriously though, you're looking for a fix that doesn't exist.
 
Last edited:
BreatheDeeply said:
This needs to be blunt. People are giving you really good advice here (not just here but your other threads too). You are at a point in your life however where two things are in conflict:

  1. the only power you have is the power to change yourself
  2. only adults understand the above statement

So, in a nutshell, you're a helical trace about an axis on an inclined plane (Big Bang Theorem - sorry, couldn't resist a bit of humor)*




* i.e., you're screwed. Seriously though, you're looking for a fix that doesn't exist.
Click to expand...


I meant I don't need the criticism about my posts, I need criticism on my post. Maybe I post things for a reason. To get help, not to be told that me and my lover deserve each other because we are drama. I am asking for criticism on what I am doing wrong within my relationship, not what I am doing wrong on the polyamory website. TOTAL DIFFERENCE
 
It'd be much appreciated if....

I chose this website to seek help on something I am new at. Something I just got involved with. So maybe I don't know the rules of being poly-fi and I still have dramatic tendencies because I am still young and maybe I have a habit of writing a lot of the same stuff. I don't think nor see that I am. All I am asking for is help, constructive criticism, advice. Not people to bash on me about my age or what is so desperately wrong with my posts. At least I am choosing an outlet in which I want to see different opinions, at least I am trying. THAT IS WORTH SOMETHING!

GalaGirl has been the only one to comment consecutively without bashing me. She has given out what she would do. She has given me constructive criticism and advice.

I appreciate the time and effort people are using to give me advice, and I will do with it what I may. Maybe I am using the tactics that others have suggested, but it's not working, or it's too soon to tell if it will do any good. You are assuming that I am not working on my relationshop, or that I am too young.
,
You are thinking rude thoughts about a girl you don't know, practically being bullies, in a sense, hiding behind a computer screen and a user name, bashing a young girl who is seeking help. I don't need people to bash me and tell me how "naive and young and stupid" I am. I already know, I live my life. I hear it on a daily basis. Maybe you get off on upsetting a girl who is just trying to get help, or maybe you don't. I don't know and I don't want to assume. But, if you're going to bash me instead of give me constructive criticism, I'd prefer you not comment on my post. It's respect. You learn it when you're young.

"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
 
In under a week you've started 4 threads, received thousands of positive words of feedback from over a dozen different repliers (many from some very knowledgeable people with a great understanding of life) and yet you say nothing is working for you? It's been less then a week! What did you expect?

There is no magic pill here. No wonderful words of wisdom from strangers that will fix all your problems. There's just you and those of us willing to give you some of our time, experience, and yes a bit of love to help you through a very difficult time.

No one is trying to be mean or cruel. Some of us (well, me, can't speak for others) believe that you're delaying the inevitable.

But in the end none of these words really matter. All that matters is what you're going to do with your life. A big change is coming - and change is always risky.

Without any doubt you will be able to find the strength to change your circumstances. And is there really any reason to delay? Is there any point to finding ways to rephrase the same problems in the hope of getting a different answer? No, there isn't. I think you have more then enough knowledge to do what you need to do.

.
 
Nobody is "bashing" you, although I'm a little astonished that people are still trying to help you given that you've not only ignored just about all the advice you've been offered so far, but have also insulted the people trying to offer it. Having said that though, here goes nothing...

I don't believe that the way you are being treated has anything directly to do with your age. If you are truly looking for solutions to your problems, but keep getting the same (consistent, well-thought-out, but apparently unacceptable) advice, then perhaps you need to reword your questions and offer explanations when you're asked for clarification. If you keep asking the same questions you shouldn't be surprised when you keep getting the same answers. If you reword the questions and still get the same answers, then you need to consider that perhaps they're the only answers applicable to your situation. In other words, 1+2 will continue to equal 3, no matter how many threads you start to double-check it. This will be true even if you ask if 2+1 might equal something different, or what about 1+1+1?

I realise that as this post doesn't contain the digital equivalent of a group hug you will see it as part of the persecution you feel you're suffering, but if you take a few moments to read it, instead of jumping straight into the drama of it all, you might find it contains some useful advice.
 
Sweetie, you're self harming... That breaks my heart.

Please seek professional help. Relationships with others do not matter at this point. Relationship with yourself is what matters.
 
GSAS082612, All I speak is my own words. I am no one but a girl of experience in poly-relationships. I am not saying I am an expert but I'm not an inexperienced child either. They aren't bashing you but just offering their own advice in a different and not so-nice way. And they are simply seeing things in one way, which is the perception you have offered.

Although, unlike Emm, I do not believe that you are delaying the inevitable, there is a chance that your relationship could work. Just because because there is a few messes do you give in? If there are tons of spilled drinks on the kitchen floor, do you replace the tile? No, you clean up the mess. You pick up your mess, and you fix it and it's better, you just have to remember to pick it up. Occasionally you will have to pick up other peoples messes but it is not reason for resentment.

Sweetie, there is no way around what any of us have really said. GalaGirl has offered good advice but everyone seems to be rooting for you to get off the forum or do exactly as they offer. You don't have to do what they offer, and some of the advice isn't exactly shatter proof. But only you can choose the path that you use. that is the only thing anyone can do in any relationship, poly or not.

Your threads really do remind me of when I was young. And they intrigue me. You intrigue me, your writing does. You talk of them like they are bad people, then go on to say they are good people. Is it that you've posted these at the peak of your anger? I just see all these as rants but also as calls for help. There is not much anyone can do other than offer advice. Good or not, it is your decision to make...

Lindsay
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top