Please help me get over the hump

Token, some people here came to polyamory from swinging, some came to it from monogamy, some have always practiced polyamory. There will be bumps along the road no matter what. You are not alone.

I sometimes think coming to poly from swinging is harder than coming from monogamy. As you know, swingers do much to "protect" the primary couple, and to prevent those dreaded "feelings" from cropping up with sex partners. Some will not kiss, some will not make eye contact, some will only see another 1 times or 3 times.

You get practiced in holding feelings back.

Then, one day, you can't hold them back. You practiced self control to a remarkable degree, giving up loving that special guy in your past with a consolation prize of swinging. However, your husband was not so strong, and now you feel resentful of what you lost to please him, while he is pleasing himself.

However, Love is a force of good in the world. He has been unable to resist it. Now the guidelines have changed, without discussion or negotiation, and that seems unfair.

But, take heart! You can work this so you now have the freedom to love another as well. Or however many lovers you want to take between now and your death.

I am sorry your h is stuck in NRE/limerance lalaland and can't seem to see you. This is a common mistake in those new to polyamory. Please read this article on "poly hell." I hope it helps.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

Ideally you can get ahold of your starstruck h and have him read it too.
 
Hi Token,

Are you still feeling conflicted? Can you go into more detail about what that's like, about what thoughts or actions you're torn between?

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hmmm

I think you hit the nail on the head there Mags with some of my feelings on 'unfairness' and ironically he sees this all as bringing balance into our relationship which was leaning towards my needs being met more than his.

My conflicting feelings are between wanting to support him while feeling like right now in our lives the focus should be on us. Not because of jealousy but because this situation arose at a time when we weren't properly communicating or expressing ourselves. I feel like as much as I want to help him find balance and self-empowerment that his connection and attachment to someone after only 3 kisses is a projection of him seeking fulfilment and acceptance elsewhere because he didn't have it with us, but more importantly that it's not something he has developed within himself... for himself.

He doesn't know this girl. She barely talked during their dates, he's projected onto her, and for the last few weeks has been playing 'what if's' in his head... All under the umbrella of 'I'll never leave Token'... which doesn't really honour me, as an individual, IMO anyway.

There are all kinds of other stuff that comes up for me. I was 7 months pregnant before he told me he loved me. I had to fight his insecurities for him to let me into his heart and without even knowing her he was prepared to open the door. This does hurt terribly, as it caused me so much pain at the beginning of our relationship. We never really basked in NRE because we were an established relationship before he could finally let go of his hurt from a previous relationship and let our love flow.

Our time away, now, has been great. We're getting right into the depths of our issues. I have been unsupportive in the past, focused on my own adventures and also in the driving seat of our relationship. It's time to give him the keys and the wheel for a little while and trust that he'll do the right thing for us as well as himself.
 
Do you feel you can trust him?
 
Token said:
He doesn't know this girl. She barely talked during their dates, he's projected onto her, and for the last few weeks has been playing 'what if's' in his head... All under the umbrella of 'I'll never leave Token'... which doesn't really honour me, as an individual, IMO anyway.

There are all kinds of other stuff that comes up for me. I was 7 months pregnant before he told me he loved me. I had to fight his insecurities for him to let me into his heart and without even knowing her he was prepared to open the door. This does hurt terribly, as it caused me so much pain at the beginning of our relationship. We never really basked in NRE because we were an established relationship before he could finally let go of his hurt from a previous relationship and let our love flow.
Click to expand...

I guess you feel you had to work to crack open his heart for so long, and then New Girl comes swanning in and reaps the benefits of all your hard work? I agree, that seems unfair, but you can pat yourself on the back for helping your husband to find the courage to be more open and live life more richly. Even if he is just fantasizing and projecting onto New Girl, even if there's no real future for them and it is mere infatuation and lust, it is a sign, it seems to me, of your husband's growing heart. And that will feed back to you some more, hopefully.
Our time away, now, has been great. We're getting right into the depths of our issues. I have been unsupportive in the past, focused on my own adventures and also in the driving seat of our relationship. It's time to give him the keys and the wheel for a little while and trust that he'll do the right thing for us as well as himself.
Click to expand...

Oh, I am glad he agreed to go away and have some hard talks, and intimacy with you after all. And kudos for you for recognizing your own role in your shared and somewhat unsatisfactory romantic past. It's exciting to hear you know you were over-controlling and are letting go of some of the power in the relationship. It might feel scary, but we must be courageous and face our fears. This is how we grow, and come to a deeper more exciting joyous life.
 
Yes and No

Thanks Mags for your thoughts. Very helpful.

kdt26417 said:
Do you feel you can trust him?
Click to expand...

He's consistent about our primary connection but the fact remains he shifted the goalposts on his own and so I guess I'm left with no certainty that that won't happen again.

I've been processing, I am gaining clarity over my feelings on polyamory with deep love attached, vs ongoing light love attachments and that it just doesn't sit with me as something I can live with in the long-term. It seems we've kind of been polyamorous for a while, just not in any model that provided space for another relationship to grow rather than just be experienced.

I may enjoy a wide variety of sexual partners and I welcome the opportunity to deepen the connection with them that was never there as an option earlier but I love very, very deeply (ridiculous amounts of scorpio placements in my chart). And it's not so much about wishing to possess my partner as wishing that my dedication to that love above all else is valued and cherished as it's not lightly given.

Of course this raises points around my own unwillingness to love freely, and maybe I am being afforded the opportunity to explore this issue and grow from the experience.

Today he takes her out for coffee, and makes his pitch about he's got to offer. I guess as it all becomes real I'll have more clarity. I've already got a coffee date lined up with a lovely gentleman too because although I don't actually want to date solo (vs as a couple) it's a distraction that helps me feel a little happiness in what otherwise has been feeling like a world of pain.

It's been 7 weeks where I've been depressed, unproductive etc, I really hope it all gets easier, because if not I can only really give it another 7 weeks, maybe 14 (so one week in total for every year we've been together) before I walk away. He's so clear that this is the right move for us and that I'll adapt, he doesn't want boundaries or for either of us to ever have to say no about something we want again.

I'm feeling like while I don't want a world of rules I want a relationship with structure and I don't see sacrifice as being a sacrifice when done in the service of love. ie: I'm ok with giving up something I want and saying no to my desires if it's best for the relationship that I have chose to be in and for the happiness of my partner.

Hence I guess why I'm still here and not out the door...
 
What a mess

We've only got one car and we live in an area with crap public transport. He had his coffee/kisses with the car I went to the gym but then had a total meltdown as I waited to be picked up knowing he was most likely kissing her goodbye.

I'm in turmoil. I feel like throwing the towel in now. I went to the beach before the gym, he dropped me off. I had a lovely moment walking from the beach to the gym where I thought I saw him coming back, my heart sang for 10 seconds before I realised it was someone-else.

I can't get past the fact that essentially he's given me an ultimatum, leave or lump it and that the man I wholeheartedly believed would protect me is in fact hurting me and alienating me from my family at a time when they really need me but I'm too much of a mess to do anything but lie to them about my wellbeing.

He's not telling this girl I am unhappy so she has a false sense of what she's getting into... I can't see this ending well.
 
Hi Token,

I can't see the sense in you hiding what you're going through from your family or close friends. I really think it's important that you have a support network where you are. Is it that you don't feel up to telling them, or has he asked you not to? If it's the latter, then tell him to take a running jump - the people in your life aren't stupid, and it's likely that they already know something isn't right with you. Having them worry about you, or worse, you distancing yourself from them so much that they begin to feel like you don't want them in your life anymore, is unacceptable. If he is ashamed or worried that they will treat him differently if they know about his girlfriend, then that's his problem. I would be leaning on my friends and family hard at this time as these people know you, and know him, and can offer you help that this online community simply cannot. If he truly wants this to work out, he should be bending over backwards to help you get the support you need. It might actually help him for you to be confiding with a close friend, since you're then not so reliant on him for support. It will certainly be better for you, as his support seems patchy at best right now. Don't bottle these feelings up, and don't let his poly be your secret to carry. Secrets are a heavy burden, and one you could do without right now as you adjust to everything else.

Hope your day improves.
 
thanks tenk

He's not told me not to talk to them but our whole swinging life was only recently outed to my whole family via one of our teenaged kids stumbling upon a dating site he left open. So I guess I feel the stigma of being one of those couples that might fail due to being open (as opposed to due to monogamy).

My dad's dying, my sister has post traumatic stress my mother is burdened. They live on the other side of the world. They love me dearly and knowing I was hurting would hurt them at a time that they need life to be kind to them. I've let them know things are rocky but downplayed the potential outcome.

I have told a few friends. The swinging muddies the water. For him too. If we had been closed there's no way he'd entertain the idea and our friends are overwhelmed by how out there our relationship is. My girlfriends think I should just leave him. It's beyond their comprehension.
 
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I see two things here.

1. It seems like sexual exclusivity was the hurdle for your husband, and emotional exclusivity was/is the hurdle for you. Neither of you understand why the other person feels so differently about emotional exclusivity.

2. Have you ever heard of the mononormative phenomenon of the "One Before The One"? It refers to a partner who made substantial progress during a relationship with you, a relationship that they ultimately destroy in the process of this growth, who then goes on to build a happy, healthy relationship with someone else using the skills they developed with you. Usually someone who is quite similar to you. It's portrayed as being highly frustrating, but one can reap some validation from the fact that they are a product of your influence.

I'd argue that you're in a similar situation in that you had to convince your husband that ethical non-monogamy was the way to go. He had to negotiate a model that did not extend his comfort zone too far and you had to make sacrifices to maintain that. Now, he has had his epiphany and he's allowed to act on it immediately. It's highly unfair, but you do have the option of trying to let go of the unfairness aspect and go onto enjoying a future filled with the benefits of polyamory. What would help me if I were you would be my husband acknowledging that it is unfair, even though he can't ultimately control how he feels/felt. It's really put me out.
 
Token,

I feel similarly about my family and most of our friends. My parents are older, old fashioned, and not in the best of health. Them knowing about our lifestyle would just cause unnecessary harm to their state of mind, plus I'd never hear the end of it since my father is a former minister who is still religious. Many of our friends are too conventional and simple to handle the information maturely.
 
Update

Well later that night I had another meltdown and was basically ready to through the towel in. He was great, stayed levelheaded as opposed to our old style mutual shouting arguments. He validated how hard that first date must have been. More tears from me but less anger. His 'coffee' was actually drinks at dusk probably on the beach (I'm not asking for details, except about sexual progression which at this stage is still kissing).

So I figured my date could be more than coffee too. So yesterday I had a short but sweet first date with a guy who ticks most of my boxes. It helped me get perspective on why hubby wants this. I'm a bit of a maneater, the universe doesn't supply an endless stream of horny hot babes whereas I do quite ok with the guys. I like things uncomplicated so I am not going looking for anything but sexual connection and no strings.

I think his future dates will still prove tough for me but I guess if I could line up date night at the same time we could find our groove.
 
Glad to hear things turned out okay, I hope they'll continue to improve.
 
A conclusion for now

He had another date. Before it we had our usual discussion about love, his willingness for this crush to be love and for the first time he admitted he thought he loved her but it's only really if returned.

She doesn't love him and she cut it off because there's no future.

As soon as I read about limerence it resonated to me that that was what it was because he was being irrational and in too deep with someone he barely knew who was not really leading him on.

So themes that have come up for me are around needing to rebuild my trust. Yesterday before the date he was willing for us to break up. 20+ years and a family was worth risking for a few kisses.

He told me previously he was not interested in polyamory as a lifestyle, just with her so I also need to evaluate if this means there are more crushes in our future. I was ready to leave. I really respect polyamory as a choice but it's not right for me and I was being bullied into having to accept it. I couldn't get past the fact that he was willing to hurt me and I had decided if the hurt kept coming I would have to leave. Relationship choices should be mutual.

We have lots of work to do. I'm going to try and be kind and leave all my 'gripes' for when we're in counselling.

Thank you all for your support.
 
I hope therapy goes well for you guys. Keep us posted.
 
Token,

Just want to say that I am grateful for stumbling upon your post. While my situation and dynamic right now is a bit different from what you are going through, a LOT of the feelings and emotions and deep rooted issues are the same and hit home for me. I pray and hope things work out for you... Thank you for sharing your story...

❤️
 
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