Please help me...

[Gaymz]

My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years, we are both queer I have expressed my desire to explore sexual intimacy (bottoming) with cisgender men, (they are a cisgender woman). I feel bad to day that me needs are not being met in this relationship because I do love my partner very much and they are meeting my other needs, they just are not capable of marring this one.

We tried sex toys and me bottoming with them but I was not into it and the whole situation was uncomfortable for the both of us. They insist that it was just the timing etc but I don’t feel that way. I just didn’t like it. I didn’t feel comfortable with them topping me.

Last summer I have them the ultimatum that we either needed to try an open relationship or we needed to break up. We fought about it for a while and eventually they agreed to try non-monogamy. For almost a year we were in a limbo that they would go out and have a great time but when it was my turn to go out the jealousy took the best of them and it would cause a fight.

They would always change their mind at the last minute (often the day of or night before I was to go out on a date). They would make me feel guilty for “wanting dick over someone who loves them”. When it isn’t as simple as that, I do not feel fully fulfilled sexually in our relationship and there is nothing that they can do because I don’t want to be topped by them. But if I say that then I’m “problematic and need to unpack that”. But it’s just not what I want.

My partner recently expressed that they felt forced into being open and hat they never wanted to be open or wan to be open. They then blamed me for putting them in this position. And said that it was unfair for me to say that they either needed to change their relationship structure or lose me. But I need this.

Because if this we have broken up and gotten back together so many times. I don’t feel like I can say what I need or leave because I don’t want to hurt them more than I already have, and because I love them and don’t want to sacrifice this relationship and the love I feel with this person for sex. But I don’t feel sexually fulfilled and I am frustrated.

It may be time to call the relationship but I feel like I’d be making a mistake because what if I don’t want to live my sexual fantasy forever? Then I would have lost out on an amazing person. I don’t know what I’m looking for I use haven’t been able to talk to anyone and I feel very alone.

 

[vinsanity0]

You gave them an ultimatum. They tried to do the open thing. It didn't work. Why stay?

Forget about the whole sex thing for a moment. What about the lack of honesty? The games? The lack of real communication? How is that amazing?

If you two are incompatible, then you are incompatible.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for airing out some.

Look, if you want to be the bottom to a partner with a penis, and a partner using toys is just not the same? It's just not the same.

If you told your partner that you love them, but this is something you aren't willing to give up? And the only things you can think of is (Open relationship so you can date them + have another partner who can do this activity with you) or (breaking up so you can be free to pursue a partner who can do this activity with you?)

And they don't want to practice Open? Well, they don't want to practice Open.

It's going to have to be a break up.

My partner recently expressed that they felt forced into being open and hat they never wanted to be open or wan to be open.

They don't have to. They could be honest and say "Well, I just don't want to participate in Open. I can't go on like that. So it has to be broken up."

Or you could say "Well, I care for you, but I can't go on like this. You aren't willing to do Open. I'm not going to force you. So it has to be broken up."

Neither person is being MEAN. Just that sometimes personal limits have been hit. A thing can go no further. YKWIM?

They then blamed me for putting them in this position.

For being honest about the things you like and want?

I don't love ultimatums. Like "do this or else!"

But it sounds you do care for them but just aren't compatible in this area, and this area is important to you. What's a person to do? You cannot force them to go along with Open. And if you did kinda force it, you could apologize.

Maybe things got hot under the collar and both said things you didn't mean? But at the same time, Open for them but not for you? That's not right either.

These things don't change the incompatibilities that exist here.

I think both could accept that you each want different things in life and relationships. Love alone is not enough for deep compatibility.

Because if this we have broken up and gotten back together so many times.

Why? Could end it and STOP getting back together. Make a FIRM decision so you both can linger in the healing place rather than linger in the up and downy dragging things out on and on and on place. That behavior is no good for anybody. Just going around in circles. Hurting each other some more to boot.

I don’t feel like I can say what I need or leave because I don’t want to hurt them more than I already have...

So you prefer to hurt you? And keep you trapped in this box?

And keep them trapped in a relationship that's just not compatible? Rather then setting BOTH free to seek ones that are?

...and because I love them and don’t want to sacrifice this relationship and the love I feel with this person for sex.

Sometimes love isn't enough to make a relationship "go."

You can love someone a whole lot. But the rest you save for loving YOU. Because you have to be able to say to them "No. Doing this like this hurts me. And not even for you will I do things or stay in things that are hurting me."

But I don’t feel sexually fulfilled and I am frustrated.

So do what you have to do to part respectfully so you can move on and not be frustrated any more.

It may be time to call the relationship but I feel like I’d be making a mistake because what if I don’t want to live my sexual fantasy forever?

Then you move on to the next thing AT THAT POINT IN TIME when you get there.

Then I would have lost out on an amazing person.

Well, I would say you haven't. Because you got to know them and be with them for a while even if it didn't pan out for something long term.

I don't know if this excerpt could help you decide.

From https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go

Should you stay…

• You and the other person very much want to be in the relationship you're in together
• Most of the relationship makes everyone in it happy most of the time
• You and the other person are getting most of what each of you wants and needs
• You look forward to seeing each other, share a lot of laughter and joy, and find the relationship makes you feel good about yourself
• Both of you feel the give-and-take is mutual
• Communication is open and works well
• The relationship is and has been physically and emotionally healthy and safe for everyone
• Everyone in the relationship is, or at least seems, very invested in it
• You and the other person have more good things to say about each other, and things you like about each other, than criticisms or things you dislike
• You resolve conflict well together
• The relationship feels like a place where everyone can be themselves, be challenged and grow in positive ways, and is accepted, cared for and supported
• You or the other person don't feel done

…or should you go?

• You or the other person don't really want to be in the relationship anymore or feel apathetic about it
• The relationship makes anyone in it unhappy a lot of the time
• You or the other person are not getting most of what you want or need
• Seeing each other isn't something one or both of you looks forward to anymore, there's little laughter or joy, and one or both of you finds the relationship makes you feel bad about yourself
• You or the other person feels like they give way more than they get
• Communication has broken down, stopped or feels impossible
• The relationship is or has been physically or emotionally unhealthy or unsafe for anyone in it
• Anyone in the relationship isn't or doesn't seem invested in it
• You and the other person have more bad things to say about each other, and things you dislike about each other, than good things or things you like
• You don't resolve conflict well together or feel only one of you is trying to fix things
• The relationship feels like a place where someone wants to change the other, where positive challenges and growth have stopped happening or never happened, and/or one or both people aren't being accepting, caring or supportive
• You're only or mostly staying in it out of guilt
• You or the other person feels done

Still not sure if you should stay or go? For the most part, these are all not-so-great reasons to stick with a relationship, so if any of them hits home, give them some real thought:

• Is this the right relationship for you in your life now, or was it only right in the past?
• Are you staying in because this feels good, or because this feels familiar?
• Are you afraid of change in your life or of being alone or single? Is this relationship keeping you from needed change or growth?
• Do you feel like letting go means you failed? Are you staying to try and prove something to yourself or someone else?
• Are you staying because you feel guilty about having been sexual in something other than a lifelong relationship?
• Are you choosing to stay because you've become a partner's caretaker or counselor rather than their partner?
• Are you staying because any relationship seems better than no relationship, or because you're afraid this is the only chance you'll have for this kind of relationship?
• Are you staying because it's what the other person wants or says they need, even if it's not what you want and need?
• Are you staying because you made some kind of promise that you know you can't keep or don't want to, but feel guilty about breaking?
• Are you staying in figuring you'll just wait and see if something better comes along, and stay if it doesn't?

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[Gaymz]

Thank you!!!!

This really put a lot into perspective. I just have trouble bringing up anything because I’m always either demonized or made to feel as though my feeling are wrong or shamed. I adore this person but i am not fulfilled in a very important area of my life. But I feel like I can’t say anything because then i “think they aren’t good enough”. I also feel like I am, not allowed to change or grow at all because I promised that we’d be together. So now I’m the asshole for wanting this because it wasn’t something I originally wanted (bottoming).

At the beginning I our relationship I expressed that I don’t know if I am a monogamous person and that is something I’d want to explore. I should have never made any promises but I meant what I said but they are not willing to compromise. I don’t feel like I can bring anything up because it somehow gets twisted and then I fold. Or my partner starts to spiral or causes a scene, I just comply to keep the peace.

I’ve tried to leave before many times, but being without them is worse than the issues in the relationship. I also hate that I’m not able to fully enjoy sex or to live out a majority of my fantasies because they no not include my partner. But I don’t know how to say that. am I a bad person for wanting sex this badly I’d give up an otherwise amazing partner that I have great sex with?

 

[GalaGirl]

I will echo Vinsanity. How is this behavior "amazing?" In my own words, and I quote just to block it off visually.

If I bring things up? They act out at me.

• I get demonized.
• I get told my feelings are wrong
• I get shamed
• I get called an asshole for having changed over time/the years or wanting to change/grow
• Or they accuse me of thinking they aren't good enough
• Or they twist things around
• Or they spiral or cause a scene

Then I give in just to "keep the peace."

When did you become their verbal abuse/emotional punching bag? That's not good.

I could be wrong. But to me, an outsider? It sounds like bullying you. It sounds more in the neighborhood of this

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/what-is-verbal-abuse#abusevs-argument

than in the neighborhood of healthy conflict resolution.

I've been upset and my spouse and I have had disagreements and things we had to sort out. But I don't call my partner names, cause a scene, demonize them, etc or he to me.

I’ve tried to leave before many times, but being without them is worse than the issues in the relationship. I also hate that I’m not able to fully enjoy sex or to live out a majority of my fantasies because they no not include my partner. But I don’t know how to say that. am I a bad person for wanting sex this badly I’d give up an otherwise amazing partner that I have great sex with?

But you keep getting back together only to fight some more. You don't sound like you stay apart long enough to actually HEAL first and THEN see if life without them gets better than fighting like this.

Don't you want to live more peacefully and without all this fighting/drama stuff? I imagine it's not just the sex. It's getting to be YOU and not have to walk on eggshells around them for fear of setting them off again.

It's not a surprise -- you said at the beginning you didn't know if you are a monogamous person and that is something you wanted to explore.

So basically they act out / get jealous /fight with you and then you fold to "keep the peace" and don't go explore it. Like all the times you made dates and then at the last minute they'd explode and you'd give in and cancel.

I think you have to stop living in fear of this partner's explosions. And just start living your life. Even if it means breaking up.

Like have some REAL peace of there not being conflict any more. Not like "fake peace" where things are still wrong between you but you just shut up and stop talking. YKWIM?

Am I a bad person for wanting sex this badly I’d give up an otherwise amazing partner that I have great sex with?

No. You are not a bad person to want more than this. There's more to deep compatibility than great sex. There has to be getting along well, doing conflict resolution well, shared values, etc. If the price of admission here to great sex is putting up with fighting, and put downs, and feeling bad, and "keeping the peace" when it's not REALLY being at peace? You don't feel safe here? Plus feeling frustrated and upset that your other sex needs go unmet? Maybe you decide the price here is too high.

You sound like you know this is probably a break up thing. Just not at total acceptance yet. It's ok to be sad about it.

It's not ok to keep yourself in the crossfire being their verbal/emotional punching bag though. How's that healthy for you?

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

I’m always either demonized or made to feel as though my feeling are wrong or shamed..... I am, not allowed to change or grow at all because...

All of this is what you think about yourself, it is not anything that anyone can make you think. We all have moments when we put this on others, but the truth is that there is no "amazing person" who can make someone feel wrong and shamed unless you already feel wrong and shamed about yourself. Struggling to wring acceptance out of this partner will never bear fruit. This is all about your self-perception. Why are you allowing shame and demonization in your life? Why are you disallowing your own growth? Why are you not standing by what is important for you? This isn't about your partner, it's about you. Don't blame others for holding you back. If your sexuality is a high priority to you, then prioritize your sexuality. That's not on anyone but you. When we are committed to something through and through, nothing and nobody can ever hold us back.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Gaymz,

I would venture that it is your partner who needs to unpack their jealousy. In the meantime, you have a decision to make. How important is this fantasy to you? this fantasy of bottoming with cisgender men? Are you willing to sacrifice that fantasy for the rest of your life? Are you willing to sacrifice that fantasy for a month? a year? ten years? even more? because I get the sense that as long as you are with this current partner, you are going to need to sacrifice your fantasy. You can't have your fantasy and your current partner both at the same time. You're going to have to choose one or the other, at least for the time being.

You said that you and your partner have broken up and then got back together many times in the past. If that's true, could you break up again, then experience your fantasy, for as many times as you feel you need to, and then get back together with your (temporary ex) partner? That's about the only way I can think of for you to have both your partner and your fantasy. You can't have both at once, but maybe there's a way you can have first one and then the other. I know it sounds a little twisted, but maybe it would work for you? It's something to think about, anyway. I'm just really trying to scour my brain for anything that might work.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.