Please Help. (Navigation, Advice)

[LoserFormerlyKnownAsMe]

My wife of 15 years brought up the idea of ENM a couple weeks ago. It crumpled me.

Important to note we both have suffered from binge-type alcoholism for years. (In recovery for 2 years). Also important to note, I did not join her in sobriety for the first year.

For the last two weeks, the only thing on my mind has been our relationship, and obviously the new dynamic I'm not entirely comfortable with. It has not been pretty, it has not been smooth, but I have tried desperately to be open and honest. Communication is a huge fault line in our relationship, and going forward, at the very least, I want to be supportive. I think I just went about everything wrong.

At this point, she wants to drop it, and never bring it up again. I can't imagine living the rest of my life with her, knowing she's unhappy and unfulfilled. However, now, there's no closure, no further discussion. I can't forget some things I've heard, and deeply regret some things I've said. Is my marriage doomed?

Please help... I'm sorry if this is the wrong group, I understand there's a difference between Poly and Open Relationships, but I'm grasping at straws looking for assistance.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if this helps you any. I mean this kindly, ok?

It sounds like she's 3 years sober and you are 2 years sober. You don't have to say online, but have you both repaired enough from all that? Why would this be the best time to try something new like ENM? Are you both solid enough for that, so you don't relapse into binge drinking?

My wife of 15 years brought up the idea of ENM a couple weeks ago. It crumpled me.

Just talking crumpled you? What is "crumpled" in this context?

You don't actually say it outright, but I kinda get the vibe she had a date. Something like that?

At this point, she wants to drop it, and never bring it up again.

Believe her at her word and drop it, then, no more ENM talk or experiments.

I can't imagine living the rest of my life with her, knowing she's unhappy and unfulfilled.

Neither of you has to live life unhappy and unfulfilled. Either one can do something about it. Find fulfillment together or on your own. Breaking up happens. It's not fun, but it is a normal thing that happens in lives. Sometimes it happens if people have grown in different directions or want different things. But if people want to be together and work things out, it doesn't have to happen.

Are you afraid of break-ups? Is this sending you into a panic?

However, now, there's no closure, no further discussion. I can't forget some things I've heard, and deeply regret some things I've said. Is my marriage doomed?

Consider working all that out with a counselor for just you. I could be wrong in my impressions from your post, but you seem too tangled up in your wife, kind of people pleasing, or anxious, or something.

After you are more stable, you could consider couples counseling to make some updated agreements for the continued marriage. Who we are at 20 is not who we are at 30, 40, 50, 60, etc. It's ok to update marriage agreements periodically, so the spouses can keep growing together.

I don't know if this helps you find a suitable counselor, not because you want to do ENM or polyamory, but because it was part of what started all this hullabaloo:

www.polyfriendly.org

It may be easier to work with a counselor who already knows what these things are and has perhaps worked with clients who went through something similar.

GG

 

[kdt26417]

Hello LoserFormerlyKnownAsMe,

Based on your post here so far, I have to wonder if you and your wife have hit a point of incompatibility. Neither of you is at fault, you just want different things from your marriage. You probably don't want to hear me say break up, so I won't say it. A poly-friendly marriage counselor might be the best you can do at this point.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Jeambo]

My story is a similar one, just with roles swapped. I hope it will help.

When I came out about poly to my ex-partner he crumpled too.

Some background: Our relationship was essentially a marriage, we've been lovers for almost a decade, and live under the same roof for five years. Everyone, including our family, knows we are a couple. We were always there for each other at almost every important milestone in our lives. The only reason we didn't marry, is that same sex marriage is not legal in China.

Before I realized that I'm poly, I thought what I want is only OR. He was OK with that - not happy, absolutely not, but he managed to restrain his disappointment and he says OK. He convinced himself that even I have sex with others, my love was still reserved for him only.

Poly was totally not OK, but after lots of intense talks, he decided to stay in the relationship, let me do my poly things and see how he would feel. The "observation" period lasted about one year, and after that, he still feels he can't agree. He realized this is all different with what he really wants. He need to be the only one of his lover. He's a total monogamist.

So after more long and deep talks we decided to break up. Or you may say it's a divorce. Yesterday was one year anniversary of that separation.

In this year, as the poly one, I adjusted to new life faster. As the mono one, he feels grief sometimes at night or after drinking too much alcohol, but basically got used to new life. The grief is deeply buried in the bottom of his heart but sometimes he still hears it scream.

He is still single and when I was single too, we still meet each other - have dinner, watch movies and have sex. But I've been with a new bf since the spring and the new guy is also monogamist, (that's another story) so we don't meet up often now.

I wish you two can reach a new agreement after communication and save your marriage. But if that fails, let the failure happen. You would both find ways for yourselves. You would both look forward, although sometimes you look back too. There is an old Chinese idiom, really old it can trace back to more than 2000 years ago, says "the sky will not collapse" (天塌不下来 - Tiān tā bù xiàlái).. It means don't worry about those serious consequences because most of them won't happen and the rest can happen but not in a devastating way as you imagined.

You can still love each other from a certain distance. The distance won't be too vast because you still love each other. It seems your incompatibility is caused by closeness. And there is another Chinese idiom: Distance creates beauty. (距离产生美 - Jùlí chǎnshēng měi) If you don't have to see her "affairs" happening, perhaps you will feel less pain. And her being happy and fulfilled would let you feel better too. Anyway, the conflict is all about mono versus poly, not you versus her.

If you need any actual help, like talking to a therapist, just do it. But ensure your therapist is truly experienced in handling poly-mono marriage problems.

Wish you both the very best!