PLEASE HELP! New to this and need some advice

T

tonkspaws

New member
Hi,
I recently started this girl and she has a boyfriend (I'm female btw). At first I didn't think much of it as I was just looking for something fun and not serious. But as always I over think and overcomplicate. The weirdest thing is that I'm not that jealous of him per-see but more that I'm not a priority. The last girl I was was all about me (in a toxic way but still) so I'm used to being text on a daily basis and seeing each other frequently. Recently we had a long discussion because she was worried that I was unhappy and wanted to break things off. We decided to keep trying but when she was gone for the next 6 days to cut back on talking. We ended up not texting as much but used snapchat through out the day. But now she got back yesterday and I still haven't seen her and her friends come in tonight for the next five days and I probably won't see her than either. I'm frustrated that she didn't make the time ti see me and on top of that has probably communicated less with me today than our entire relationship thus far.
I'm just not sure what to do to keep both of us happy. When we are together everything is great we get along really well and the sex is great. So there is no issues between us a people but really just the strain of being in an open relationship.

Sorry if that was a rant I'm just looking for advice on how to navigate a poly relationship. How to not be jealous when I don't see her or she doesn't text me. I really like this girl so I want to make things work I just don't know how.
 
If you already had the convo about what you need (more time when opportunities arise/to hear from her via text a few times daily), and things haven't changed, I would ask why. Is there something she needs from you? Is your request too much for her? Does your request need to be more specific (i.e. text good morning, recap of day's highlights, goodnight texts)? Did you not explain why you need that contact in a way she understands? Would she prefer some other form of contact other than texting? I don't think your request is unreasonable, and I do think it needs to be more of a conversation than a vent or this relationship could spiral downhill.
 
Hi tonkspaws,

It sounds like you are not getting as much attention from your girlfriend as you want and need. If that's true, then it's no wonder you're experiencing some jealousy. We often feel jealous when our own needs aren't being met. I would have a sit-down with your girlfriend and explain that you need more of her attention in order to not feel jealous.

Please keep us posted and let us know how things are going.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree with laerhk, you need to sit down with your girlfriend and find out why she is not meeting your needs, there must be some reason. You can't help but feel a little jealous when your needs aren't being met.
 
When I first started dating my boyfriend (who is my married) he didn't text/call me nearly as much as I am used to a new bf communicating with me. And it wasn't that he was lukewarm about me or our relationship, there was SOO much NRE between us, but I didn't get the amount of communication/time/attention that I had come to expect from serial monogamy.
So we talked about it A LOT. I asked him to text me more frequently just to say he was thinking about me, and we set up specific nights every week he would stay with me so I could look forward to them without always having to wait for him to make plans with me (not something he is good at). I thought a lot about why I want or expect a certain amount of communication/time/energy, what is the bare minimum for me, what it takes for me to feel loved/important/secure , and communicated all of that with him.

Talk to her about it, in person, in as productive of a way as possible. Do a lot of self-reflection about what you want and need and why. Negotiate and compromise until you find a solution that makes you both happy, that you can tweak and-renegotiate as your relationship develops (I don't need my bf to text me as often, I'm happier to get a phone call on days we don't see one another to catch up,and he much prefers that too).

We have been together 9 months and have hit a pretty good groove for how we communicate and spend time together. It has taken SOOO much work and talking. I would be psyched to get more of his time, but I am content where we are now and so are he and his partner. You can do it! Communication, woo!
 
It might also help to get to know her boyfriend. Not in any "relationship" way, but as another friend, and JUST a friend. If you can see and experience that he is comfortable with the two of you being together, it may allay some of your jealousy issues, because sometimes jealousy can arise out of "their 'other' {boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/whatever} will be making them choose between us" thoughts... whether it's actually a real issue or not.

Something else that could come of befriending the boyfriend is also he might not know how his monopolizing of her time (even if it's completely unintentional) is affecting your relationship. He might help steer her into more time with you.

Just a thought.
 
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Thanks for the responses. The only issue with me communicating that "I need more" is that I think it scares her. Though her and her bf have been open for a while no one has actually dated someone. So I think she is not sure how to handle her feelings towards me. She told me that she has been carrying a lot of guilt lately because she feels bad when I tell her I get jealous etc. So I'm worried if I bring things up she will break things off.
 
I mean this kindly, ok? :eek:

I could be wrong... But I think your last sentence...

I'm worried if I bring things up she will break things off.
Click to expand...

was more honest than the one you started off with.

The only issue with me communicating that "I need more" is that I think it scares her.
Click to expand...

To me it sounds like you do not want to bring things up because because you fear she will break up with you.

  • So you hide what you feel and do not provide clear communication to avoid breaking up.
  • Then you sometimes make excuse to yourself for this behavior. You tell yourself you do it to spare her yucky feelings. (When it is about you sparing you breaking up feelings. )

I do not think that is being entirely honest with yourself. Could guard against that.

I think you are trying to spare yourself a break up and that set of yucky feelings.
But in not speaking up... you also endure a less than satisfying relationship. That has its own set of yucky feelings.
And not being honest with yourself -- that has another set of yucky feelings.

That is strain from several places, not just from being in a new open relationship and being on a learning curve.

Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. You are more likely to find compatible partners the more honest you are about your needs. So if you need contact x times a day you could say so. Changes could be made to address it. Or if no changes can happen? You both can move on knowing you had given it your best shot.

Right now, you are withholding clear communication about your needs, so you are not exactly giving it your best participation. :(

I think if you both want to be happy in the long term, you could accept that there's some growing pains to deal with and go ahead and talk and deal with them. Not avoid conversations because they feel hard. How do they start to feel easier to do without practice?

If you have a five gallon bucket for attention? And she has two gallons to give? Nobody's fault. She cannot give more, and you cannot be happy and THRIVING on half tank. It might be workable if she had four gallons to give or you had a two gallon bucket... But neither of you are engaging to find out exactly what size bucket you have or what size she has available to put in your bucket.

Do you guys want to relate or not? :(


Galagirl
 
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