Please help this mono girl new to polyamory

[Gameomonopoly]

Hi,

I'm monogomous and have been dating my partner for almost a year now. They told me they were poly after our first date and after a lot of consideration on both our parts, we decided to try out a relationship. Since then we have had various ups and downs but have always been able to get over the hurdles.
At the beginning of this school year, my partner told me that a guy had drukenly kissed them at a party after he walked them back to their dorm room. They told him to leave. I was really hurt and told them it felt like they had cheated on me. They told me they would accept that but they felt part of the reason for it was they were repressing their poly identity. We talked it over and agreed we would try again with a clean slate and work out a compromise so both of us feel respected in our relationship.
Since then, things have been good and we have been happy. But it feels like every few weeks one of us, namely me, gets overwhelmed with polyamory. I have nothing in my heart but love for my partner but I've never dealt with something like this before and I can't help the intrusive thoughts that pop up in my mind when I think about my partner with another person.
I want to become comfortable and get rid of this uncertainty and jealousy, both for my partner and also for myself. Does anyone have any advice whether based on personal experience or not? Are there any monogamous people here with polyamorous partners that I could maybe talk to? Thank you!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Gameomonopoly,

YouAreHere and Al99 have experience as the mono partner, even though they are now poly themselves. You could have a look at some of their posts ... for example Unexpectedly Poly and A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!") ... and From Baltic to Boardwalk, a slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus.

As far as getting rid of uncertainty and jealousy is concerned, I have links:

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
Understanding jealousy
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[PolyNatural]

Hi,

I'm monogomous and have been dating my partner for almost a year now. They told me they were poly after our first date and after a lot of consideration on both our parts, we decided to try out a relationship. Since then we have had various ups and downs but have always been able to get over the hurdles.
At the beginning of this school year, my partner told me that a guy had drukenly kissed them at a party after he walked them back to their dorm room. They told him to leave. I was really hurt and told them it felt like they had cheated on me. They told me they would accept that but they felt part of the reason for it was they were repressing their poly identity. We talked it over and agreed we would try again with a clean slate and work out a compromise so both of us feel respected in our relationship.
Since then, things have been good and we have been happy. But it feels like every few weeks one of us, namely me, gets overwhelmed with polyamory. I have nothing in my heart but love for my partner but I've never dealt with something like this before and I can't help the intrusive thoughts that pop up in my mind when I think about my partner with another person.
I want to become comfortable and get rid of this uncertainty and jealousy, both for my partner and also for myself. Does anyone have any advice whether based on personal experience or not? Are there any monogamous people here with polyamorous partners that I could maybe talk to? Thank you!

Okay, some fab advice from kdt26417 ( as usual ). If you don't have the book More Than Two or The Ethical Slut, they are the two essential guide books, to help you get a grasp on the subject ( I have them both ). However I tend to take a bit of a different and somewhat contentious approach, and that is to look at these problems in the light of how people define themselves and their relationship. So for the mods, please understand that this approach is relevant to this thread and the answer I give, and it does not belong in the "Definitions" thread. So please just bear with me here.

To continue, this sort of thinking works really well for me. Maybe it will help you. If not, maybe it will help someone else.

First I would say don't worry. The feelings your describing are to be expected, and by recognizing their root cause you can learn to look at relationships differently, and IMO more clearly and truthfully, which will result in a natural resolution to your unsettling feelings. But where to begin?

I believe that to resolve a situation you need to fully understand the situation first, and it looks to me like you're looking at it upside down ( like most mono people ). Unless you get that into perspective, it will be difficult to sort the rest out. In other words the situation isn't really that you're "monogamous and have been dating your partner for almost a year now". It's that like every other member of our species, your non-monogamous but have been practicing monogamy ( probably more like serial monogamy ) for some length of time, probably as long as you've been dating ( is my guess ), and the likely reason is because monogamy has been the predominant influence in your socialization.

Mono socialization has it's own built-in resistance to other models that can manifest in the form of the conflicting feelings you're having. If that is your situation, and you can grasp the truth of it, you will also see that you have the choice to look at relationships on your own terms, and as a consequence, over time, your feelings will fall more naturally into place. It's literally a "the truth will set you free" type of experience, and once you get into this state of mind, you might find ( as I did ) that you are so much more in tune that you can navigate these sorts of situations with far less angst, experience a richer and fuller feeling of being loved for all you are, and be able to wish that same joy on others in the world ( including your partner ).

I could ramble on of course, but I've probably already said too much. So I'll just leave it there for now and see if any of that resonates with you or generates some other helpful posts from other members. Oh I almost forgot. I also have a page on Poly Mono Pairing on the PolyNatural website.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok? It may not be what you want to hear.

Let me ask something....

• Are you monoamorous (want to love one sweetie) and relationship shape flexible? (can be happy either monogamous or as an end point in a poly V or similar)

• Or are you monoamorous (want to love one sweetie) and your preferred relationship shape is monogamy or Closed (1:1 only. Just those 2 people)

Answering that requires you to be very honest with yourself.

I want to become comfortable and get rid of this uncertainty and jealousy, both for my partner and also for myself.

I am guessing that you want to get rid of it so you and partner can continue to date.

But before trying to change stuff, you have to determine if stuff is even changeable.

If you are monoamorous and monogamous and trying to be in a poly thing of some sort... and this discomfort is like majorly going against your own grain just to be with this partner? If being friends is a better relationship shape so both can be happy... you might have to consider that so you can be free of this discomfort. Not everyone you date is going to be a long haul runner for romance.

If you are monoamorous and relationship shape flexible... and this discomfort is more like "I never date like this before but I'm happily willing".... perhaps these can help you figure out how to adjust in addition to the links Kevin posted.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

There is a difference between coming to compromise on small stuff (ex: where to eat dinner) and compromising your core values and bending yourself into pretzels just to date someone.

Before seeking solutions, sit back to reflect on what type of problem this is first. That's my suggestion.

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

.. like every other member of our species, your non-monogamous but have been practicing monogamy ( probably more like serial monogamy ) for some length of time, probably as long as you've been dating ( is my guess ), and the likely reason is because monogamy has been the predominant influence in your socialization.

Just to clarify: This is PolyNatural's perspective on monogamy and doesn't reflect the thoughts of this poly community forum as whole. The questions of whether monogamy and/or non-monogamy are "natural," or even whether individuals are hard-wired one way or another, are often discussed here, but there is no group consensus, nor does there need to be. The idea that polyamory is "natural" to everyone is just one person's thought about monogamy vs. polyamory.

 

[anamikanon]

Are you trying to adapt to poly in order to keep this partner? It won't work if poly distresses you.

If you are ideologically fine with poly, but finding it hard to get over the vampire romance conditioning where you're supposed to snarl and get all out of control aggressive at the faintest whiff of a potential partner near your "one true mate".... learn to remind yourself that them being with someone else is what is making poly successful, or you'd be a vampire mate, with a partner "true" to you because he is incapable of anything else, rather than a partner with you because he wants to be with you, regardless of who else he is with or not.

Those are extremes, but I find humor helps me break out of compulsive dark thoughts, so...

You need to ask yourself what happens if your partner kisses someone or has sex with them. Whatever the suggestions your mind throws up, don't dismiss them for being outlandish or embarrassing or whatever. All are legit. Make a list. Then go through that list to see what is your mind jumping at shadows because of knee jerk monogamous conditioning and what are real concerns that need to be addressed. Then address those concerns.

Also distracting yourself from obsessing and keeping busy when your partner is with someone else may help.