Please help

H

Hermanl

New member
Hello this is my first time posting on something like this. The last two weeks my wife has been very different and distant so i finally got her to talk to me and tells me that she likes another guy and she is poly we have been married for 5 years have 2 amazing kids together and she is the love of my life i have never really cared for anyone in my life no friend no family only my wife and kids she says that she still loves me but likes this other guy to she hasnt sleeped with him only been talking to him i allways thought i could and would do anything to make her happy but i dont know what to do i could never be happy with her loveing someone else our more then me my heart feels like it has been torn out but i do love her dearly and i dont want to lose her.
 
I'm sorry you are struggling. I think you are jumping the gun a bit though. Cranking up your own anxiety.

What's actually happening here? It doesn't sound like she's cheating/is a cheater. I'm not hearing where she's asked you for an Open marriage. What are you actually worrying about? That you asked her what's on her mind and she was honest with you?

How's that horrible in a marriage? :confused:

Basically she's alive and talks to people in the world and is enjoying some crush on one of them. It's ok to notice attractive people in the world. Doesn't mean anything will come of it or she wants to do anything about it. If she's got agreements to keep with you, trust her to keep them.

If she asks if you are willing to change agreements to Open marriage and you don't want to participate in that? You can say "I love you. But that's not my cup of tea. I don't want to be doing that." Could just be honest and up front.

What's the freak out about?

she is the love of my life i have never really cared for anyone in my life no friend no family
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Why not? It's not healthy to hole up like a hermit in a bubble and make your wife be your whole world. Could strive for more balanced living. Enjoy time at home with wife and kids. And ALSO take time to cultivate your other adult relationships and interests. Make some good friends, get out and about, do your hobbies, participate in the world.

Is that what the freak out is about? You thought it was you and wife in a little bubble? And you come to find that she's interacting with others in the world and not hiding in the bubble with you?

i dont want to lose her.
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Where is she going? :confused:

Galagirl
 
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Well i keeped asking her what she wants and she keeps saying shes not sure she really likes him and wants to sleep with him she allso said she would like to date other people and that she would like to sleep with other people.
 
Hermanl said:
Well i keeped asking her what she wants and she keeps saying shes not sure she really likes him and wants to sleep with him she allso said she would like to date other people and that she would like to sleep with other people.
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And no i dont want to keep her in a bubble i let her hang out with her friends all the time i let her do what she likes and i never get mad about it our tell her to stay home
 
Ah. Thank you for more info.

Well i keeped asking her what she wants and she keeps saying shes not sure she really likes him and wants to sleep with him she allso said she would like to date other people and that she would like to sleep with other people.
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Well, if she's telling you what she would like?

You could thank her for the honesty and then be honest back. You could tell her what you are up for and not up for.
  • If you don't want Open marriage, tell her so.
  • If you prefer to (be together Closed) as your 1st choice? Say that.
  • If your 2nd choice is that you prefer (to disband first before she starts seeing other people) so you are free from all that? Say that.

Stick with honesty.

If you haven't taken the time to cultivate other friends and create a support system, I could understand more what the freak out is about. You are facing a possible big change in life with no support. For that I'm sorry.

But if you guys have stuff to sort out...

Take a deep breath lean into it and sort it. One thing at a time.

If you are not longer compatible for marriage and it is better to be good exes and coparents, be that instead then.

I get that it is hard to FEEL, but the actions seem straightforward. Don't be doing things like Open marriage if you really don't want to be doing that. Your happiness matters too.

Galagirl
 
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So i sould clear things up we have been happly married only minor problems here and there i dont have any friends and my family has been dead since i was young i just dont click with meny people and i dont have any hobbies to talk about. When we were talking she was saying about how she likes him alot and how she wants to sleep with him but hasnt she whent on to tell me how she wants to date other people and sleep with other people but claims she still loves me and wants to be with me i told her how i cant do that and now she doesnt know if she can be happy with just loveing me i love her with all my heart but i dont want her to be unhappy
 
Hermanl said:
Well i keeped asking her what she wants and she keeps saying shes not sure she really likes him and wants to sleep with him she allso said she would like to date other people and that she would like to sleep with other people.
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Listen, if possible, don't make it about this one guy now. Tell her this: even if both people of a couple are very willing, they need to do a lot of talking. It often takes over a year to successfully open up.

The concept is completelly new to you. You are freaking out and not sure if you have the ability, let alone want to to go there.

Ask her to please let the crush go for now if she can (no contact for 40 days is the way to do that the safest - may be tough for her), so that there is less urgency in your talks. Then you have to start doing some serious work.

You need to get an understanding her point of view, with no "moral" judgement involved. You have to read about polyamory and get at least a conceptual understanding, then do your emotional work to see where you stand in relation with it. Get counselling if necessary.
I'm not kidding you, the desire for poly can break marriages. You have to see if you two still have common ground in the marriage. Right now you are not on the same page. You have to craft a new vision for your relationship with her, or disband.
 
Sounds like you guys are listing the preferences. If she's not willing to slow down and wants and answer RIGHT NOW? Then I think the answer is to disband. Because you are freaking out and this is not sound like joy for you. You can say "I love you a lot, but not even for you will I go there doing things I don't really want to be doing."

HER

  • 1st Choice: Everyone together doing Open marriage (<-- you don't sound up for this)
  • Other option: ???
  • Last choice: Divorce, and be free TO do Open stuff.

YOU

  • 1st Choice: Be in Closed marriage (<-- She doesn't sound up for this)
  • Other option: ???
  • Last Choice: Divorce, and be free FROM any Open stuff.

I don't know if there are other options to the lists. Perhaps "taking more time to talk it out" is option on both lists. If that's not an option? You guys have to check the lists and see what lines and up and what does not.

I grey out the things that you already know don't line up at this time. You guys might be left with disbanding the marriage. Because you don't want Open marriage and she no longer wants Closed marriage.

Not easy to feel, and parting ways respectfully will still feel sad. But better to allow the relationship shape to change so you can keep ON loving each other and pick (being good exes and coparents) than picking (be miserable in a marriage shape that no longer fits me.)

I get that you want her to be happy, but you have to be happy too.

Like if ALL the choices stink? Pick the least stinky one then.

  • She does Closed to please you, and then she is miserable in marriage with no end in sight.
  • You do Open to please her and then you are miserable in marriage with no end in sight.
  • Break up (which stinks for now) and be good exes and coparents over time (that part might not be so bad, and nobody has to be miserable with no end in sight.)

If you guys love each other, you won't be happy watching the other one bending themselves into pretzels. It is fine to love each other, but you also have to love yourselves too.

I encourage you guys to sort whatever needs sorting.

Galagirl
 
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I cant stop crying we have been threw so much together 2 kids i have litteraly given up everything to be with her even moveing to a different state so she could be with her mom i never thought this would happen i love her but i do want her to be happy
 
*hug*

I'm sorry. I can imagine this is a hard time for you right now.

You don't have to solve it overnight. Get some sleep, some rest. Eat your meals, get a walk or some gentle exercise, stick to your routines in the coming days. Do your self care as you navigate all this.

Galagirl
 
I really appreciate you talking to me like i said i have no family our friends im 23 and disabled from back problems i can still do alot but i cant work in a state i barely no and her and the kids are the reason i can still be happy and get up in the morning
 
FWIW, I disagree that it's ANYTHING like poly if it's just sprung on you as a fait accompli. Polyamory requires deep self-awareness, & clear open PROMPT communication -- saying, "honey, I've been hot-chatting online with a faceless troll" IS NOT polyamory. (IMNSHO.)
Hermanl said:
i never thought this would happen i love her but i do want her to be happy
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And I have said the exact same words to myself more than once.

The next thought: "Am I a central part of that happiness? or can I help that happiness by withdrawing?"

IME, it's gone both ways -- well, honestly, there's "flavours between" too. As in, there's times where I knew, knew that her life WOULD suck without me, but she said I should go, I did, & her life DID suck without my help. One sobered up, one died from drugs.

In the end, we seek to partner with responsible adults, capable of making rational decisions for themselves, or damaged people who we cannot help without their willing assistance.

Please DO NOT beat yourself up for what you cannot actually control. Be the best YOU that you can be... which might involve walking away.
 
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I really appreciate you talking to me
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You are welcome.

Sounds like you have another potential list going on the side.

  • Eventually, I need to get to know this state I live in
  • Eventually, I need to make more friends here
  • Eventually, I need to find work here
  • Eventually, I might need a general health check up. (For my back, lack of sleep in this stressy time, depression, whatever the current health needs are)

You'd have to be doing those things married or not. But you don't have to solve all that TODAY.

Maybe just keep a note pad to jot things down when they bubble up so you can better organize it at some later point when you aren't upset and crying. If what you need right now is to cry? Just cry then. Then wash your face and maybe a cool wash cloth on your eyes.

Right now if you are too discombobulated to deal with too many things at once? Just deal with getting through day by day. Focus on your self care and take it one thing at a time. If day to day is too much, just go hour by hour.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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Hermanl said:
i dont have any friends and my family has been dead since i was young i just dont click with meny people and i dont have any hobbies to talk about......her and the kids are the reason i can still be happy and get up in the morning
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You are tied up in knots about your wife, but the source of your anguish is this - you have very little sense of yourself and you've made your wife into your world. Despite all the romantic dramas, another person can never be someone's world, although may people attempt to create relationships based on this notion. You can work your brain all you care to about this one poly situation, but the real source of your torment is not that your wife loves another, but that you do not have you. Five years is just about the time that spouses realize this if it's a factor in a marriage. Kids are a great distraction for many people and they transition from looking for happiness in their spouse to looking for it in their kids. Kids will tell you soon enough that being the source of your happiness is not happening for them. Again, despite all of the romantic movies, it does not feel good in the long run to be someone's sole source of happiness. Healthy people realize this and either don't even begin to expect this from a beloved or they do a course correction once the normal first blush of romance has passed.

You need to look for more of you and not for ways to contort yourself into a more pleasing spouse for the sole purpose of keeping your wife. To be blunt, of course your wife is looking for another partner - there is precious little in the one she's got, whether she's poly or not. Don't fill yourself with pity and despair. Realize that you've been asking the impossible of her and courageously take a new path in life, one that leads you to your own fulfillment, passions, community and friends. Don't let anything, including loss of loved ones or disability, keep you from finding the bounty within yourself. I say this as a person who suffered unspeakable losses as a child and is now the parent of an autistic teenager. Other than our fear, there is absolutely nothing keeping us from finding a full, rich, engaging inner and outer world. Don't ask your wife and kids to do this for you - they cannot.
 
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Hi Hermanl,

It sounds to me like you need to talk with your wife some more before you can make any decisions. You want a closed/monogamous marriage, but she wants an open/polyamorous marriage. This is where the two of you are. If you stay married, one (or both) of you is going to be unhappy. The only way around that (maybe) is to give it say a year, and see if one of you changes your mind. You would want to talk with each other many times during that year (or month or whatever you decide). And even then it may end in divorce, but you might have a chance to make peace with that prospect by then.

Sorry you are stuck in this position.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Herman

I think being able to do polyamory healthily requires a great sense of self worth or self love. I don't mean to be rude but from some of what you've written, I do wonder at your self esteem and you may want to see if you can work on that before polyamory. I mention this only because in my observation, people with low self esteem often find entering polyamory from a monogamous relationship hard. If the reason why isn't obvious and you identify as someone with low self esteem, let me know and i can try to explain why.

Secondly, I would recommend googling codependency. My own marriage failed to enter polyamory for reasons similar to what you're outlining.

Best wishes,
Shaya.
 
Shaya said:
Hi Herman

I think being able to do polyamory healthily requires a great sense of self worth or self love. I don't mean to be rude but from some of what you've written, I do wonder at your self esteem and you may want to see if you can work on that before polyamory. I mention this only because in my observation, people with low self esteem often find entering polyamory from a monogamous relationship hard. If the reason why isn't obvious and you identify as someone with low self esteem, let me know and i can try to explain why.

Secondly, I would recommend googling codependency. My own marriage failed to enter polyamory for reasons similar to what you're outlining.

Best wishes,
Shaya.
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Yes i do have a low self esteem even tho i have been told by meny people im attractive and i turn down girls numbers alot becouse im married i do love my self and feel i do have worth me and her have talked again today i told her to tell me what she wants and to not think about me with that to just state what it is she wants she keeps telling me she does not know but what she does know is she wants me to be with her
 
I would say keep talking with your wife, and something new to think about, try to figure out what *you* want, I know you want her to be happy, but what else do you want.
 
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