Things had been bad with my boyfriend of three years for almost a year – we were in a rut and I felt so alone and unloved. Somehow I had all the disadvantages of attachment and none of the advantages – we were not partners. We are not good communicators; he doesn’t communicate unless forced to do so and I have bad timing and tend to express my emotions in a rather explosive manner.
I asked him one evening whether he was happy or whether he would like something to change in our relationship. He said he would like to have an open relationship – this led to an 8 hour fight in which we said everything we hadn’t said in 3 years and ultimately we broke up. It lasted about 4 days, we met up and talked things over more calmly and after a week we were sleeping together again. We discussed what we wanted and what had to change and things were really good between us – we were doing new and active things together, seeing each other regularly, with and without friends. The open relationship question didn’t really come up again a lot because there were so many other things that had to be sorted out before. When we did talk about it, I told him that I’d be ok with an open relationship under certain circumstances ie) not in our town, nobody who knows us, whatever.
Out of the blue, he suggested we go to a festival with my favourite bands (not his) and a holiday afterwards. Foolishly, I thought this meant something, that because the words are so difficult for him, that he was trying to show me that he did care through his actions. After we’d bought everything for our trip, 2 weeks from now, he told me that he’d slept with someone else.
We are not officially back together so he can technically do whatever he wants. When he told me, I wanted to talk about it over a couple of drinks. He cried (the second time I’ve seen him cry) because he’d thought I’d kick him out and never want to see him again. He really thought that it was a possibility that I would never want to see him again and chose to risk everything anyhow.
He told me it was bad sex, that it was just “technical”. I asked him if he wanted to do it again and he said that maybe it would be better the second time – I told him that if he saw her again he would never see me again. It’s bad enough that he actually slept with someone else but he actually thought it would be ok to sleep with the same person again. He says that the whole experience just proved to him that he wants me more than ever. Honestly, I didn’t think he would actually go through with it. I really thought that we’d talk about it again after things were sorted between us. He has proven time and time again that I am not a priority to him even though he says that I am (still, he hasn’t told me that he loves me since we broke up). He just went ahead and did whatever he wanted, knowing how badly it would hurt me. He could have done it after we’d gotten back together in a way that was ok for both of us but he says that he didn’t want to be controlled.
He says he cares about me and that his desire to sleep with other women has nothing to do with me; that he wants a partnership but he feels like he missed out on sexual experiences when he was younger. “I’ve never realistically imagined a future with anyone but you. You’re so perfect I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me that I would risk it”. This “having missed out” feeling seems a childish to me – don’t we all feel like we missed out on things? Not just sexually but with everything? It seems unfair to ask me to “allow” him to make up for the things he didn’t do and still hang around, right? I’ll never get a chance to do all the things I missed out on because it’s just too late.
Every time I think about it, I feel physically ill. He says he wants to spend time together more regularly, but I need so much more from him before I can get back together. Not just because he slept with someone else but because he needs to prove once and for all that he cares. I honestly can’t think of anything that he could possibly do to make me believe that he does give a shit. He deactivated his profile on the website where he met her without me asking, I guess that’s something.
The point is, he met with several women several times without saying anything to me and wound up sleeping with one of them. He knew what it would do to me, that he was risking everything and he did it anyway.
I feel pathetic, but I know there’s nobody in the world like him. Is this just the price to pay to be with him? Would you respect someone who allows their partner to treat them like this? Is he just stringing me along?
I asked him one evening whether he was happy or whether he would like something to change in our relationship. He said he would like to have an open relationship – this led to an 8 hour fight in which we said everything we hadn’t said in 3 years and ultimately we broke up. It lasted about 4 days, we met up and talked things over more calmly and after a week we were sleeping together again. We discussed what we wanted and what had to change and things were really good between us – we were doing new and active things together, seeing each other regularly, with and without friends. The open relationship question didn’t really come up again a lot because there were so many other things that had to be sorted out before. When we did talk about it, I told him that I’d be ok with an open relationship under certain circumstances ie) not in our town, nobody who knows us, whatever.
Out of the blue, he suggested we go to a festival with my favourite bands (not his) and a holiday afterwards. Foolishly, I thought this meant something, that because the words are so difficult for him, that he was trying to show me that he did care through his actions. After we’d bought everything for our trip, 2 weeks from now, he told me that he’d slept with someone else.
We are not officially back together so he can technically do whatever he wants. When he told me, I wanted to talk about it over a couple of drinks. He cried (the second time I’ve seen him cry) because he’d thought I’d kick him out and never want to see him again. He really thought that it was a possibility that I would never want to see him again and chose to risk everything anyhow.
He told me it was bad sex, that it was just “technical”. I asked him if he wanted to do it again and he said that maybe it would be better the second time – I told him that if he saw her again he would never see me again. It’s bad enough that he actually slept with someone else but he actually thought it would be ok to sleep with the same person again. He says that the whole experience just proved to him that he wants me more than ever. Honestly, I didn’t think he would actually go through with it. I really thought that we’d talk about it again after things were sorted between us. He has proven time and time again that I am not a priority to him even though he says that I am (still, he hasn’t told me that he loves me since we broke up). He just went ahead and did whatever he wanted, knowing how badly it would hurt me. He could have done it after we’d gotten back together in a way that was ok for both of us but he says that he didn’t want to be controlled.
He says he cares about me and that his desire to sleep with other women has nothing to do with me; that he wants a partnership but he feels like he missed out on sexual experiences when he was younger. “I’ve never realistically imagined a future with anyone but you. You’re so perfect I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me that I would risk it”. This “having missed out” feeling seems a childish to me – don’t we all feel like we missed out on things? Not just sexually but with everything? It seems unfair to ask me to “allow” him to make up for the things he didn’t do and still hang around, right? I’ll never get a chance to do all the things I missed out on because it’s just too late.
Every time I think about it, I feel physically ill. He says he wants to spend time together more regularly, but I need so much more from him before I can get back together. Not just because he slept with someone else but because he needs to prove once and for all that he cares. I honestly can’t think of anything that he could possibly do to make me believe that he does give a shit. He deactivated his profile on the website where he met her without me asking, I guess that’s something.
The point is, he met with several women several times without saying anything to me and wound up sleeping with one of them. He knew what it would do to me, that he was risking everything and he did it anyway.
I feel pathetic, but I know there’s nobody in the world like him. Is this just the price to pay to be with him? Would you respect someone who allows their partner to treat them like this? Is he just stringing me along?
