Poly advice for bisexual wife?

[ohmmmm]

I'll try to make this brief. My wife and I have been married for many years. Over the past couple years, all the literature she reads is about lesbians, and lately, all she watches on TV and the internet is about lesbian relationships. Our sex life has dwindled and I feel threatened a bit. I told her a while back that if she wants to experiment, she can, as I had thought that we had a long close relationship. She said she would think about it and if the opportunity presented itself she might do something.

In the meantime, her lesbian fantasies are growing. My desire for her sexually is diminishing and her passion in bed has dwindled. She has not had an affair with another woman, but I am getting a bit fed up and considering trying to set her up or push her to try a woman just to get it out of her system, or unleash her suppressed desires. At least she and I will know what her real tendencies or feelings or orientation is.

In any case, I love my wife, but I am thinking ahead and will consider bringing up a poly lifestyle choice for her, if that is the direction she wants to go, and I can get along with the other person. What I have read is that it's difficult to find another woman that will want a poly relationship, so I guess this option is a long shot.

In any case, it seems that most people here have PhDs in relationships gained through experience. Any words of wisdom and advice about our situation and prospects for a poly solution will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

[dingedheart]

Is this a situation of you trying to force her to confront her sexuality issues to explain what's going on in your relationship, a matter of frustration of not knowing exactly what's going on? Perhaps she is losing interest in men and it is time to move on? Or is it that you've lost feeling and desire for your wife and would welcome the chance to explore other romantic relationships, and get those needs met elsewhere, and thus this would be a perfect opportunity for everyone?

What do you want for yourself? What would be your ideal relationship or dynamic? Forget about her for a second. Now from that perspective, add how your wife might fit in, or not.

Good luck,
D

 

[ohmmmm]

Is this a situation of you trying to force her to confront her sexuality issues to explain what's going on in your relationship, a matter of frustration of not knowing exactly what's going on? Perhaps she is losing interest in men and it time to move on? Or is it you've lost feeling and desire for your wife, and would welcome the chance to explore other romantic relationships, and get those needs met elsewhere, and thus this would be a perfect opportunity for everyone?

What do you want for yourself? What would be your ideal relationship or dynamic? Forget about her for a second. Now from that perspective, add how your wife might fit in, or not.

Good luck, D

Thank you.

 

[AnnabelMore]

I wouldn't say it would necessarily be hard to find a woman who'd be interested in a relationship with your wife, assuming your wife is a desirable person. I wonder what it was you read that suggested that? I'd say the longer shot would be the idea that she could hook up causally with a woman and *not* have feelings get involved eventually. Now, if you felt that you too would need to have a relationship with the new woman beyond friendship, that would be considerably harder to find. A casual threesome or even a deeper threeway emotional bond is possible, sure, but going in expecting that anyone who's into her would/should be into you too will likely bring trouble.

Go ahead and tell her that she has your blessing to seek other relationships with women, whether serious or casual. Invite her to do some reading about polyamory. Then just spend some time talking about how that would look for both of you. For example--

What if she started dating women, but then became interested in another man?
What if you got jealous of a new relationship of hers -- do you have the right to pull the plug?
What if you wanted to date too -- could she handle that?

I would suggest setting just a few boundaries and expectations to start, and then staying flexible and communicative, on both ends, since in truth there's no way to know what she'll end up finding, or how it will affect you both.

It would probably also be a really good idea for you two to work on your relationship with each other as part of moving forward. If there's any part of you that's hurting over the way things are between you, it will just get worse if/when she's getting her needs met with someone else, and you feel like your needs are still being left on the sideline.

 

[redpepper]

You could try swinging to see if you get your needs met and she hers, if you are able to keep your emotions separate from sex. It might be about sex for her, or it might not. It sounds like you have some deep talking to do. And yeah, educate yourselves about polyamory and all its differences.

Life and love are fluid. It can all change over time and then change back. I identified as a lesbian for about ten years. I was straight and monoamorous from my early dating years until then, and from that time to now; bisexual, then pansexual and non-monogamous. I suspect it will change again before I die. One never knows.

If you and your partner can allow for these changes, and love each other through them, than that's what polyamory its all about, as far as I am concerned. There is room for as much love and freedom as you choose.