Poly and long term planning?

[Noyse]

What does yours look like? At what point do you factor in 'new' partners? If you don't have a younger generation, what does your Will look like?

I'm in my mid-20s, and my right-wing kin getting a hold of my health care/finances is my worst fear. My current plan is to divide POA between my long term partners; but marriage is something I want at some point in my life.

Did anyone get married after doing poly?

Within the last 6 weeks both of my partners have begun saying 'I'd be willing to consider marriage' which is a surprise since I thought polyamory would have me bypass love triangles.

 

[sunray]

Hi Noyse!

I’m in my 40s and did indeed get married after embarking on poly. At the time (12 years ago) I had a long term female partner, Jester; she and I had a non-legally binding commitment ceremony for our tenth anniversary and threw a big reception. Then, a year later, I got legally married to MonkeyMan who had been my partner for about 3 years at that time, as he and I were planning to someday have kids, and I needed his health insurance.

Fast forward until the present day, MonkeyMan and I do indeed have one child together; Jester and I had an acrimonious breakup; and my partner of about 2.5 years, RacingSnail, is going to be moving in with us soon. I am planning to make RacingSnail my healthcare proxy so that both of the guys have legal rights to visit me in the hospital. And we’re going to put together our wills, and consolidate some of our finances, and I believe RacingSnail plans to make me the beneficiary of his pension. Not sure we’ll ever have a commitment ceremony or a party, but as you can see, we’re planning for the long haul.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Noyse,

My long-term plan looks pretty simple, I plan to continue living with my two poly companions for the rest of my life. I do not expect to take on any new partners. We have wills, living wills, and power of attorney for each other. I am not married to either of them, but we did have a commitment ceremony in 2009.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I am the planner in the group and this is something that is often on my mind.

We don't have kids, so that simplifies things greatly. And my family and MrS's family are all on solid footing and able to take care of their own financial futures. Nieces and nephews are well-funded for college when the times come. No one is "counting on" and inheritance. Dude is estranged from his family since his Grandmother died - so I don't factor them in at this point.

In planning for our future: MrS is happy to have me do as I see fit in terms of insurance, savings, investments, etc. As my spouse he is on my health insurance through work and will qualify for social security and Medicare (if they still exist).

Aside from planning my retirement to support 3 people I'm not sure how much responsibility I have for the fact that Dude refuses to make any plans for the future himself. I did ask him to apply for health insurance through the Marketplace. I would like for him to get a part time job to get at least enough credits to qualify for social security and medicaid and earn enough to contribute to a Roth IRA...no interest there.

Work in progress.

 

[vinsanity0]

Something I'd like to point out. Unless you are legally married to a partner, the courts (and anything else official) will not grant you any rights. It doesn't matter if you have been together 20 years (unless you live in a place that recognizes common law marriage) or your partner is estranged from their family. And you can't trust that your own family would honor your wishes. Blood relatives have more rights than you do. It's important to have wills, living wills, etc. Don't put it off. They can be changed if things don't work out, but they can't appear after the fact.

 

[FallenAngelina]

It doesn't matter if you have been together 20 years (unless you live in a place that recognizes common law marriage)...

Just to clarify:

Even recognition of common law marriage will not necessarily grant a long time partner any legal rights if there's a living spouse. It would be up to the generosity of the living spouse to do right by the long term partner, but no judge will recognize common law marriage where there is already a legal marriage in place.

 

[Noyse]

Something I'd like to point out. Unless you are legally married to a partner, the courts (and anything else official) will not grant you any rights. It doesn't matter if you have been together 20 years (unless you live in a place that recognizes common law marriage) or your partner is estranged from their family. And you can't trust that your own family would honor your wishes. Blood relatives have more rights than you do. It's important to have wills, living wills, etc. Don't put it off. They can be changed if things don't work out, but they can't appear after the fact.

My primary is in the middle of a name change, but that reminds me to look into the legal services I get through work. Thanks Vin!

 

[vinsanity0]

Just to clarify:

Even recognition of common law marriage will not necessarily grant a long time partner any legal rights if there's a living spouse. It would be up to the generosity of the living spouse to do right by the long term partner, but no judge will recognize common law marriage where there is already a legal marriage in place.

You are absolutely correct. I wasn't even thinking in terms of of married vs unmarried partners when I wrote that.

 

[ElMango]

What does yours look like? At what point do you factor in 'new' partners? If you don't have a younger generation, what does your Will look like?

That reminds me we needs to plan a will. But, as we're never having kids, it changes and almost simplifies things as well (which makes my answer probably less helpful for sure)

For us, our plan is to basically be like "Whomever dies first splits things 50/50 between the living people. The next to die gives theirs to the next person, the last person standing gets to do what they want/can with those assets" But, we only have 3 of us long term. And, have talked about the possibility of adding more LTR to our V...but none of us want to. For me, I'm happy if I never have any other partners sexually or otherwise. For Z, he would like more of having a LT FWB (but, due to current life events he doesn't have the spoons to focus on anything but the current household), and B is the same way. He's only looking for a FWB that could be a LT FWB. If both fell in romantic love with their FWB, it would open up a new discussion on a will. Part of it would depend on if our living situation changes. Right now our V shares a house. If one was to (and it would be B if this were to happen) split his time between 2+ houses, then the will would get more complex and we'd need to mind map and math it out.) [/quote]

I'm in my mid-20s, and my right-wing kin getting a hold of my health care/finances is my worst fear. My current plan is to divide POA between my long term partners; but marriage is something I want at some point in my life.

I'm 27, Z is 26, and B is 34, so death feels very distant; me and legal husband have life insurance for both of us. B has not set that up for himself, and as he is not on the mortgage (as we got it before he moved in), I'm letting that be a him issue. In the end, our mortgage has 20 years left on it. So again, 50 feels a long way away.

As for health care...that's been the most complex. B has the best extended health between us all. Neither Z nor I can be legally added onto it. I have the next best (but ultimately crap[I'm trying to find better]) extended health (mine is not provided by my work), and Z has none (it wasn't worth adding him onto mine).

All you can do with EHB is research the different ones available based on where you live and their rules.

Did anyone get married after doing poly?

I was legally married before. I have been with Z 11 years this year; married only for 3.
B and I are planning on doing a not legal but emotional ceremony this summer to make us "spiritually' married. In my province, still not legal but no one in the government needs to know.

Z and B are not getting married to each other; but basically have a "I consider you a brother" relationship. So there is a strong emotional bond there. Some people have basically a 'brother husband' ceremony or celebration or something.

Within the last 6 weeks both of my partners have begun saying 'I'd be willing to consider marriage' which is a surprise since I thought polyamory would have me bypass love triangles.

So, having it where you are all married as a triad? Everyone married to everyone?
Firstly, is this legal where you live?
Secondly, do you have common-law marriage and can it apply to more than a single common-law partner?
Thirdly, do you WANT to be a married triad? What does being married mean to you?

I hope I was helpful! DM me anything if you want or need to!