Poly and Lost

RadGemini

New member
Hello! I'm R. I'm mostly looking for some advice on my current situation. My fiance (T) and I are both poly and in love with our best friend, D. We asked him out about a week ago and he hasn't given us any kind of straight answer. I've known D since we were kids and I was kind of just expecting a no, kinda hoping for it even, so that I could start getting over him somehow. But now I'm here without answers and hope that may be false. Any advice?
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I think in that sort of "maybe" scenario, I'd assume "fuck yes or not at all", to quote Mark Manson. Like, if D isn't enthusiastically responding to your offer/idea, then assume it's a no and move on. If you're wrong in that assumption, hey! you can be pleasantly surprised. But otherwise you *can* start doing the work of moving through that disappointment.
 

RadGemini

New member
I think in that sort of "maybe" scenario, I'd assume "fuck yes or not at all", to quote Mark Manson. Like, if D isn't enthusiastically responding to your offer/idea, then assume it's a no and move on. If you're wrong in that assumption, hey! you can be pleasantly surprised. But otherwise you *can* start doing the work of moving through that disappointment.
Rationally, I know I should start the getting over him phase. Its going to be very difficult since I've loved him for such a long time, but I think you're right. Here's hoping for a pleasant surprise.

Thank you for your insight,
R
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
If you're already friends, asking him "out" is what friends do... "Hey, you wanna go do XYZ?"

Maybe you mean you told him by text that you and your fiancee are both in love with him and want to take him on an actual date? (Or have a threeway sex date?) And he's not "in love" with both of you, so he's freaked out. Or maybe he's only in love with one of you. Or maybe he doesn't want to date a couple. (Most people do not like to date couples, especially affianced or married couples, since it's sort of impractical and almost sure to fail, for dozens of reasons.)

If you think he needs to date you as a "package deal," be aware that polyamory does not mean "sharing" one person between the 2 members of a couple. Most people would feel very intimidated by that idea. I understand you both are "in love" with him, that your friendship, on your (plural) end, has come to include a romantic or sexual flavor. I think you'd need to have a deep discussion with him about this whole idea. Just "asking him out" doesn't seem to be clear enough.

I'm not sure of the gender of any of you, which would come under the heading of sexual preference, as well.
 

RadGemini

New member
If you're already friends, asking him "out" is what friends do... "Hey, you wanna go do XYZ?"
I'm not really sure what point you're trying to make here? When we talked to him about our feelings it was in more words and different phrasing than asking him "out" specifically.

Maybe you mean you told him by text that you and your fiancee are both in love with him and want to take him on an actual date? (Or have a threeway sex date?) And he's not "in love" with both of you, so he's freaked out. Or maybe he's only in love with one of you. Or maybe he doesn't want to date a couple. (Most people do not like to date couples, especially affianced or married couples, since it's sort of impractical and almost sure to fail, for dozens of reasons.)
Its not like he's opposed to polyamory, its something we've talked about the general idea of before. Its a bit hard to explain the nature of our individual relationships with him but I hadn't thought it would be much of a surprise when we had asked him on a date.
If you think he needs to date you as a "package deal," be aware that polyamory does not mean "sharing" one person between the 2 members of a couple. Most people would feel very intimidated by that idea. I understand you both are "in love" with him, that your friendship, on your (plural) end, has come to include a romantic or sexual flavor. I think you'd need to have a deep discussion with him about this whole idea. Just "asking him out" doesn't seem to be clear enough.
It was a bit spur of the moment when we finally got the guts to ask. He was on his way out the door of our house so it was a little rushed. We've since talked a little more with him about it here and there. I think you're right that this is going to require a lot more communication. We'll probably have a sit down conversation sometime next week.
I'm not sure of the gender of any of you, which would come under the heading of sexual preference, as well.
We're all bi/pan men. I'm not sure what label D and T prefer but sexual preference wouldn't be an issue.

Thank you for the insight!
R
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
OK, so he was at your place hanging out already, but on his way out the door, you (both?) asked him out, somehow implying it was a romantic, "Let's be boyfriends," kind of date.

Thanks for the extra details. I was quite confused at first. Good luck with future conversations. I'm glad he's willing to talk now.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings RadGemini,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

In your shoes, I would feel hopeful about that D hasn't said, "No." I take it he hasn't said, "Yes," either. It's possible he wants to say yes but may be terribly shy and fearful. In which case he would need some time. Time to calm down about a relationship shape that's "out there." Anyway, my point is that your situation is a hopeful one, so far.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

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