Poly-Bomb Gender Gap

Al99

Al99

Well-known member
Cunning Minx has been running the Poly Weekly podcast for over 11 years, and she just went over 500 podcasts (and they are all archived on the website.) Most of you, I'm sure, will be familiar with her podcasts - if you're not, you should be - just Google "Poly Weekly". It's good stuff.

One would surmise that she probably knows a thing or two about poly - and one of the things that I have heard her say at least twice in some of her more recent podcasts - is that it is more often the lady who will be the one to introduce (or want to introduce) poly into an existing mono relationship.

My very limited experience (2 months - admittedly a very small sample size) on this forum would seem to bear that out. I posted a recent thread about coming here to cope after the poly-bomb. There was a limited response but in 4 of the 5 respondents, it was the lady who had suggested poly (in one of those 4, he had suggested a swinging-type scenario, then later she wanted to transform it to poly). The two people I have corresponded with privately both came to poly at the woman's suggestion. And, without keeping count, as I read the new posts, it seems that in the majority of cases, it is the woman who is asking for poly. I have also seen a number of posts where the man has initiated the discussion, but it does seem to me that they are somewhat in the minority.

This observation is not intended in any negative way (must be an acceptable discussion topic if Cunning Minx has brought it up at least a couple of times :) ) - I just find it somewhat interesting as it seems to me that the general public (that is only vaguely aware of poly) would probably guess it to be the other way around.

Thoughts?

Best to All,

Al
 
My wife dropped the 'mono-bomb" when we first got together. Eventually she suggested an open marriage, but I wouldn't call that a bomb since I wanted it.
 
My husband is the reason we're poly. He's consistently fell in love with other women through out our marriage but had never taken it past friendship until 8 years ago when he and his girlfriend fell in love after making out at a few parties (we were all in the same friend group and were open to physical activity for about a year before they fell in love. We had been monogamous for about 17 years prior to that). I would be good with going back to monogamy but there's no way he'd be willing to (we've discussed it recently). So, in our case, poly has been driven by the man in the couple and he's had far more luck finding partners than I have, in addition to his girlfriend of 8 years.
 
My wife suggested it back when we first met. I was open to the idea already, but had not previously met anyone who would even consider it. My first marriage was traditionally monogamous.
 
Obviously, I was the one who introduced it, given I replied in your thread. I don't know that it's that more woman are poly or that men who are may struggle even more to introduce it because woman tend to be really insecure at times? I can't really say.

I had been HOPING my husband would for a long time without even understanding what I really wanted.
 
My husband mentioned an open marriage and I told him I can't do it without emotional connection and the ability to date. So I guess with us it was a mutual introduction. Our discussion started though because I needed more and I casually dropped hints and things that I wanted it. He can be insecure at times so I didn't want to be the one to formally bring it up and he take it wrong. I wanted poly but wasn't sure how to talk about it so I dropped hints, mentioned things I had read in books, talked about an ex- friend of mines poly relationship, etc. I read "Open" and realized I have had a poly mindset my entire dating life and that was why most of my relationships failed. I am a firm believer that is it unrealistic to expect one more to provide everything you need in a relationship.
 
I am in a hetero V with a married couple, so Snowbunny (our hinge) was the one to ask her husband for a poly arrangement.
 
Discussion Starter

Sample size and diversity will likely yield very different results. I can't say I have seen a trend one way or the other, regarding whether more men or women bring up non-monogamy if they are currently in a monogamous coupling.

I was married at the time I decided I was no longer monogamous or interested in controlling how my loved ones use their time or energy, as well as my decision to become fully in charge of my own time and energy. The only discussion about it was a kind of Q&A as my wife at the time sussed out exactly what (if anything) was about to change in our association.

I don't know where the term "poly-bomb" is coming from and I really hope it doesn't catch on. It's strangely antagonistic toward the idea of a person being honest about where they are.
 
Sample size and diversity will likely yield very different results. I can't say I have seen a trend one way or the other, regarding whether more men or women bring up non-monogamy if they are currently in a monogamous coupling.
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Thanks for the input - I see you've been a member since 2012 so that's a fair amount of time to observe any trends.

I don't know where the term "poly-bomb" is coming from and I really hope it doesn't catch on. It's strangely antagonistic toward the idea of a person being honest about where they are.
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I confess that I have used the term in a couple of threads - but I did first see the term here - and a quick search showed it being used in threads here as far back as 2010. Honestly, I did find it the term to be a perfect description for how it felt to be on the receiving end of having your spouse inform you - out of the blue - in the midst of a decidedly sound and rewarding mono marriage (and she agreed with that sentiment) that she wanted to open up the marriage to explore her resurgent feelings about an old college boyfriend. It sort of feels like an emotional bomb just went off in your face - especially if you are the type that was very happy with your good mono marriage - and would not have ever seen it coming. However, I do recognize that the phrase does come across as being negative toward the situation and the partner who wants to open the marriage - so I have begun to avoid using the term when I am introducing myself and how I came to join the poly world. Still - it did seem like an appropriate phrase for this thread.

Al
 
for me it was the guy, twice

Im in a situation that comes closest to an unofficial triad, with another woman and a man. They've been together way longer than I've been with them, but he was the one who initiated poly.

Of the people who introduced me to poly (a different couple), the guy was the one who initiated it too - but after the girl initiated an open relationship. Thry didn't last through it though.
 
Ravenscroft said:
The topic is mildly interesting... but isn't this sort of advert for Cunning Minx's podcast running afoul of the TOS?
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I seriously doubt that this guy is associated with Cunning Minx in any way, shape, or form. This is no different than people recommending more Than Two, etc.
 
Ravenscroft said:
The topic is mildly interesting... but isn't this sort of advert for Cunning Minx's podcast running afoul of the TOS?
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If I've run afoul of the TOS by recommending Poly Weekly - please write it off to newbie-ness, and with my apologies - only been here a couple of months and equally new to poly. My intention was to recommend what seems to be a valuable, free, non-profit poly resource. And, as was pointed out, I know that I've seen "More Than Two" recommended a few times as well ( and they also have a great web site, which is also a valuable, free resource.)

Best to All,

Al
 
Al99 said:
If I've run afoul of the TOS by recommending Poly Weekly - please write it off to newbie-ness, and with my apologies
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You haven't done anything wrong. We reference outside sites all of the time when they are interesting discussion points.

Keep doing what you are doing.
 
It was my wife who suggested poly as well. I initially wanted to swing, but then came around to poly.

My first impression upon reading this thread was that this also struck me as backwards. You'd think a woman would be more threatened by the idea of her partner having an emotional relationship, and you'd think the man would be more threatened by the idea of his partner having sex.

But then I thought about it this way:

We became poly because my wife wanted to have a full-blown emotional relationship with another man. And I wanted to swing because I wanted sex outside of my relationship, but still wanted my wife to be "mine" and not to have to put too much work into these other relationships.

This is a more positive focus and I think it makes sense. Women feel more threatened by emotional cheating because they value the emotional relationship. Men feel threatened by sexual cheating because they value the sexual relationship. So when they start thinking about what they want in a relationship, women want an emotional relationship (polyamory) and men want casual sex (swinging/open relationship).

Just my theory.
 
Makes a lot of sense Arius!

And what is TOS...?
 
TOS = Terms Of Service
 
Not a "bomb" but more of a "minor explosive" - my now-husband knew that I ID'd as poly since the beginning of our relationship...but I was more interested in women....:)

When Dude came along, it was a bit (metric-ass-ton) of a shock...

I introduced the concept of poly to Dude...and he was, like, "hell-to-the-yes":eek:

In my experience, though, men often SAY they are interested in a NSA sexual relationship, but then get all relationship-py in short order.:rolleyes:
 
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