Indygirl78
New member
I agree with others in that the capacity to love more than one is largely innate. Acting on it is more of a choice.
So, what do you think, are you born poly or do you choose to be poly?
That one confuses me too...I do NOT develop "feelings" for people easily (it's happened twice in my life - once with MrS, and again with Dude) but still considered myself poly even when I was with MrS (and various FWBs ). (To be perfectly honest, however, I can definitely experience "sexual attraction" for people that I don't have "feelings" for - which is not universal.)
That one confuses me too...I do NOT develop "feelings" for people easily (it's happened twice in my life - once with MrS, and again with Dude) but still considered myself poly even when I was with MrS (and various FWBs ). (To be perfectly honest, however, I can definitely experience "sexual attraction" for people that I don't have "feelings" for - which is not universal.)
...I've heard some mono people say they're mono because it's rare for them to have a best friend, let alone more than one at the same time. That reason doesn't make sense to me at all...
Could you say that you would try to have two or three college degrees simultaneously?
However, the effort needed to cultivate said friendships is so high that I cannot really have more than one or two best friends.
That would be awesome! I would love to be a professional student.
I know, not the point.
To me, "I rarely develop feelings" doesn't necessarily equal "it's difficult and time-consuming for me to maintain relationships". I don't develop feelings as often as most people, but once I connect with a right person, maintaining a relationship is almost effortless because we're highly compatible (I don't develop feelings for people who don't share my core values and relationship views). So I can understand being mono because it takes too much effort to cultivate and maintain relationships, but I don't understand being mono because you rarely develop feelings. I guess it's probably not the only reason those people choose mono though.I can want as many best friends as I can imagine, a best friend on every floor of my building and every aisle of my floor and I would happily be poly.
However, the effort needed to cultivate said friendships is so high that I cannot really have more than one or two best friends.
So even if I can imagine how wonderful poly is, I can't envision accomplishing it; ergo, it is rare for me 'develop feelings', and therefore best friends, let alone loves or lovers.
Imagine something that is difficult and time consuming and hard to do, and now imagine doing it multiple times; that is poly to a mono person, or at least me.
To me, "I rarely develop feelings" doesn't necessarily equal "it's difficult and time-consuming for me to maintain relationships". I don't develop feelings as often as most people, but once I connect with a right person, maintaining a relationship is almost effortless because we're highly compatible (I don't develop feelings for people who don't share my core values and relationship views). So I can understand being mono because it takes too much effort to cultivate and maintain relationships, but I don't understand being mono because you rarely develop feelings. I guess it's probably not the only reason those people choose mono though.
Another possibility is that you can connect with people who are completely incompatible. A quirk of attraction can mean you fall for people who are, for whatever reason, in a self-destructive, self-hating mode of their life so that you can love them all you want but can't get involved without also destroying yourself.
I've heard some mono people say they're mono because it's rare for them to develop feelings for even one person, let alone more than one at the same time. That reason doesn't make sense to me at all. No matter how rarely I'm attracted to people, a mono relationship would still be denying my autonomy. Whether I end up having multiple partners or not isn't important, but I need to know I'm free to love whomever I want.
however I think that everyone has the inate capacity to love more than one person
Pardon my rudeness, but I think this is crap.I think that everyone has the inate capacity to love more than one person.
It's as bad as saying "everyone has the innate capacity to love the opposite sex, they just have to find the right person."
In essence, it completely denies the feelings and reality of people who consciously identify as mono. It's saying that they're deluded about their own feelings, and that you know better than they do what they are and are not capable of.