Poly dating someone who may be Mono

[Raymo]

Hi All,

This is my first post, and I've been lurking for a while now. First off, I am new to polyamory, but I have read most literature on the topic, have plenty of poly friends, had casual sex with said poly friends, but haven't really had a deep poly relationship ever. I also don't really get jealous when a crush gets into a relationship, because she seems so happy, and I'm so happy she's so happy (compersion). In short, I think I'd be most happy in a poly relationship dynamic.

Six months ago, I met someone online. I hadn't really planned on dating her, nor her I, but I had helped her through the heartbreak of her past relationship (I am, after all, studying heartbreak and love for my PhD, and gave her book suggestions and exercises that seem to help people). Eventually, after exchanging many messages, we met. After our meeting, I invited her to my apartment, and we had sex. Then we had sex again the next weekend, and it started to become a casual "thing" every weekend. Eventually, we talked about being committed to each other. We both agreed to try, since we were starting to develop feelings, but then I had second thoughts. I had been investigating poly for a while, through books, message boards, movies, documentaries, and everywhere else, and I thought it fit me best. I liked the freedom it provides me to naturally feel what I feel with who I'm feeling it with. I explained to her that while I was exclusive with her while we were hooking up, I was tentative about being in a relationship, and I wasn't into "exclusivity." I was only temporarily exclusive with her out of respect for her, since it would be unfair to her if I spontaneously brought someone into the relationship without her knowledge. She felt rejected, but said that she wasn't sure if poly was for her. However, she said that if she wanted to be poly, it would certainly be with me, since I'm good at communication, but asked if I would be willing to date exclusively until the winter ended. I agreed, since I really really liked her, and I wanted to be in a relationship with her. Moreover, I thought that it gave her enough time to decide whether poly was for her, and if she was interested in exploring poly, it gave us a good chance to build our relationship foundation, so she would feel safe with me.

Long story short, winter has ended, we have both fallen in love, I have enjoyed her and I's relationship together, and I'm really happy with how we have grown together, but I still think her and I need to have the "poly" discussion. We had agreed to keep the poly idea on the table for discussion while I was exclusive, it was difficult to do so. While we haven't really talked about it in a few months, I felt that every time I mentioned that a friend of mine was beautiful, or casually talked about poly when referring to a TV show, she felt threatened. For example, when I said my friend was gorgeous and into poly in a relevant conversation, she asked if I was interested in my friend. I replied that I found her attractive, but had promised to be exclusive to her, and planned to keep that commitment. She would also ask weirdly mono questions like if we decided to be poly, why I didn't think she was enough, why I would want to do something to hurt her, and so on. So, I didn't really feel like her and I could talk about it without her feeling hurt. I also didn't really think that it was a good idea to "convince" her that poly made sense through rational argumentation. That makes this impending discussion even more difficult to have, since I feel like I might be springing the convo on her out of the blue. Moreover, I am torn between the love and affection I have for her and wanting to be with her, but also wondering if my strong desire to be in a poly relationship dynamic is worth pursuing. I also fear that we might have to end our awesome relationship, when this conversation happens, because she happens to be mono, and I strongly desire exploring my desire to be in a poly relationship. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any advise about what to say or not say when we have this processing discussion, or any insight, in general. Thanks!

 

[tenK]

She would also ask weirdly mono questions like if we decided to be poly, why I didn't think she was enough, why I would want to do something to hurt her, and so on. So, I didn't really feel like her and I could talk about it without her feeling hurt.

To me this seems like a perfectly normal line of questioning, and like she's starting to do some of the work of exploring the idea in her mind, just as you asked her to do. You need to remove this idea from your own mind that this will be a pain-free process. Talking about this with her may well hurt, but that in itself is not a bad thing. You are just talking. She has fears about what polyamory means to you, and she probably struggles to reconcile her beliefs with yours. If I were in your shoes? I'd answer her questions as honestly and gently as possible. Show her how you see things - that it's not about 'enough', and how you wouldn't feel hurt in her position because of the things you know and have experienced. Let her into your world in this area. It doesn't have to be coercive or hurtful in any way. You guys are just talking, hypotheticals. Take the idea of making a decision off the table for now so you can just explore each others feelings without any pressure. Of course you do need to decide eventually, but there's no need to be hard-headed at this stage. Listen to each others fears, and see if they can be dealt with.

I also didn't really think that it was a good idea to "convince" her that poly made sense through rational argumentation. That makes this impending discussion even more difficult to have, since I feel like I might be springing the convo on her out of the blue.

I agree, your role in this is not to sell the idea of poly to her. But that doesn't mean you can't talk about the role you think poly could play for you, or reassure her if she expresses her fears about certain aspects. Again, you are just talking here. You don't have to ambush her with this talk either. Just ask her if she'd be willing to set some time aside with you next week for a conversation about it. Give her time to gather her own thoughts. Take some time to gather your own. If she's not willing to talk about it, try to understand why. Does she think it is a prelude to you leaving her? Or has she already come as far along the journey of researching poly as she's willing to go? At the moment you are prejudging the situation and assuming that she's irretrievably stuck in mono-mindset, and considering making a unilateral decision to end the relationship for the good of you both. To me, that seems harsh, and premature, and not really in the spirit of a team-player. Trust me, if she thinks of this as being your way or the highway, then more pain will actually come. Of course, the converse is also true - you shouldn't have to promise to do things exclusively her way either. Just acknowledge that you are both trying to figure out if you are long-term compatible, and that this is going to be like any other discussion of important things that sensible couples would have about the future (like, how do you feel about having kids in the future? How do you feel about my parents moving in with us one day when they get old? How would you react if I got transferred to another country for work at some point?).

Good luck!

 

[GalaGirl]

I think you could stick to the agreement to talk after winter. Follow through. Winter is now well past over. Have the conversation you need to be having even if it feels hard.

If she's monoamorous (wants 1 sweetie, you) AND prefers monogamous shape relationships (prefers 1:1 relationships) then break up respectfully.

If she's monoamorous, and WILLING to participate as an end point in a "V" with you as the hinge, do some reading to see if she is actually ABLE to.

poly hell

core beliefs

practical polyamory

labriola articles

opening up articles

more than two

She would also ask weirdly mono questions like if we decided to be poly, why I didn't think she was enough, why I would want to do something to hurt her, and so on.

You sound like you have been honest and up front all along. You being yourself is you being you. It is not you out to get her somehow.

Why is SHE wanting to do something to hurt her? She is in charge of who she picks to have relationships with or not. So why pick you -- this up front poly person who wants to return to that if she knows she definitely prefers monogamous relationship shapes? That's her picking people that do not fit her preference and trying to make it work anyway. Isn't that her hurting her?

Was she using this Winter thing as bait and switch, hoping to convince or change you? Telling herself stories? What?

I also fear that we might have to end our awesome relationship, when this conversation happens, because she happens to be mono, and I strongly desire exploring my desire to be in a poly relationship.

Well, the relationship shape would change. It would end the romance, but it could continue as friends if you both want it to. You could not fear changes that allow you both to be more your authentic selves.

But the only way to sort this all out... is to sort this all out. Again... have the conversations you need to be having.

Letting it ride even longer isn't going to help.

Galagirl

 

[Raymo]

I appreciate all the wonderful replies! It really helps to hear from good poly people about this. As it was, I was pretty stuck in my head about this, and didn't really have the opportunity to talk to others about it. While I have some poly friends, most of them are not, and they really wouldn't understand that being exclusive, while tolerable, feels like I'm not being authentic enough to who I am.

First, tenK your advice was awesome, and it was something I needed to hear. I was having a lot of anxiety about making decisions and whether I should pre-emptively break up, for the both of us. This sounds pretty natural, because I was trying to anticipate what might happen, but it was also premature and harsh, and felt that way too. I will ask her this weekend, if she is willing to set aside some time to talk about polyamory during the week, but reassure her that it's not a doomsday talk or anything, I just want to guage where she is with the idea. It's a good idea to let her gather her thoughts about the matter, if she can anticipate it's going to happen.

You're so right about jumping to conclusions about her being "stuck" in the mono mind-set. It seems like she just doesn't know, and it is unfair to think she's monogamous and simply stuck there. I'm a little worried though that she might be monogamous and is simply too scared to tell me, because we are in love, and she doesn't want to suffer heartbreak. Her communication style is basically a keep silent strategy; if something is uncomfortable, then avoid avoid avoid, so this is not entirely out of the question.

All in all, your advice allowed me to get out of my head, and allows me to be more relaxed about it, without pressure. This isn't a TALK it's a talk like any other adult couple has regarding their future, and where we are at in the relationship. But, it's also a talk that needs to happen.

GalaGirl, I appreciate your encouragement. I really needed to hear that I was being honest with her the whole time, and not leading her on. Sometimes it really felt like I was, because everything is going great, but there is still that gnawing feeling that I was keeping things from her. I was more cautious when I found someone attractive about sharing that with her, and I was generally more reserved than I normally am around people of the opposite sex, because I didn't want anything to spark. This wasn't agonizing, but, as you said, it feels like I wasn't being authentic, when I was simply living up to my end of the bargain and being exclusive with her.

All in all, I think I will go with a healthy medium between both of these opinions. On the one hand, I want to be a team player and don't want to preemptively assume to much, or end the relationship. On the other hand, I need to be assertive with my desires to have a poly relationship dynamic, even if I was being exclusive with her during the winter, and gently ensure that she understands that it is kind of a dealbreaker for me.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Raymo,

Re (from OP):

"I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any advice about what to say or not say when we have this processing discussion ..."

Brutal as it may sound, my advice is to keep it short and simple. Don't try to convince her, just ask her, "So, do you think you'll be okay with it if I date polyamorously?"

You could preface that by a warning a few days ahead of time: "Honey, we need to have the poly talk soon. What day and time would work for you? How about (day) at (time)?"

I'd have that talk regardless of whether you're willing to be monogamous in order to keep her. You need to know where you stand with her. So that you don't have to guess about what you can and can't do.

I'm afraid that she will react badly to your insistence that the two of you have this talk, but I would insist anyway. I also think she might cry, "I don't know!" when you ask her the big question. If she does, then maybe your right answer is, "Honey, if you don't know, then I'll have to guess. I'm going to guess that you're not okay with me dating polyamorously. If I'm wrong, please tell me I'm wrong."

Not an easy discussion to have, but long overdue (since Spring Equinox). What you have to do now is prepare yourself for the possibility that she won't want you to date polyamorously. Are you going to give polyamory up in order to be with her, or are you going to give her up in order to date polyamorously? Now is the time for you to decide. Because if she's willing to decide at all, I suspect she'll say no to poly. She only bought some time in the hopes that she could convince you to give poly up for her. On some level that had to be her hope.

Of course all this is just my opinion, composed before I read any of the other responses. Consider it one point of view.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I am dating a monogamous guy. It is perhaps a little different because I had already been married several years when I met him. But he went through the same doubtful process that you describe. Why is one (my husband, but possably also him) not enough, is there any point or future and so on. Looking back, because I was sort of new to poly myself, I was a bit naive in thinking that honesty would be enough and that the process would be pain free. I was also not fully aware of his lack of relationship experience and him being scared of love in general. I simply had to prove myself to him, loving him and turning my life around for him. We still have not solved everything relating to our future, but I am confidant that we will find ways.

I found that it helped a lot to not "sell" it to him as polyamory, but "the way I want to live my life". I told him about the backround (me falling in love with another man before, why it didn't work out etc). I told him how I felt about him (him and my husband being equal partners to me). I said, without him pushing it, that I will not take on any new partners. If my husband dies or we should break up, I will respect my boyfriend's wish to not date polyamously because I already think it is a great thing that he takes on my marriage. I have told my boyfriend that I am in for life. We had all of these talks very early on. Then it was up to me to prove with my money and communication skills and practical arrangements that I could make this double relationship work. Talking is important, but your actions show your worth.

 

[Raymo]

I thought you all ought to know what happened, because I would love some support or kind words and advice going forward. It could also be instructive to those that are poly, but considering dating someone who might be mono. I did it. I broke up. And it went awful. Yesterday morning, I let my gf know we had to have the poly talk soon. She was surprised, and said it hurt her to know that I wanted to see and love other women, and basically the discussion to set a time to talk, became the talk. She said that she tried to think about it, like I had asked, but each time she did, it felt really painful. So, she said she couldn't do it, because it would cross a point where it would hurt her too much, and she had hoped, in the time I got to know her better and fall in love, that I had let it go, or changed. I thought this was her healthy side letting me know what her boundaries are, but it was also painful, because I knew they clashed with my values. I said I didn't know what I wanted to do, because I felt conflicted. So, I left it that day to think. Meanwhile, I cried all day at the thought of losing her and the thought of having to be exclusive to her. We had planned to meet over the weekend, but she left my apartment quickly, to go to work, before we could solidify those plans. I cried all day, but decided that since I felt so bad, I should end it. It was a difficult decision, but I felt it had to be done, so we both don't end up hurting each other over a longer period of time. Then, I asked if she could come over and go for a walk, via text and continue our talk and check in. She said she didn't want to see me, if I was going to break up with her, (I had previously told her how you generally go to a neutral location or walk when it happens, so she probably inferred what I was going to do). So I started to do it over the phone. It was a bad idea, but she was really resistant to the idea of ending our relationship, and I felt I had no other option (since I wasn't going to lie). But manipulating a situation like that makes things more coercive on my end, so I'm trying not to blame myself. Ideally, any party should be able to leave or break up, else it's not a consensual relationship. Then she came to my apartment, to talk face to face. She had been drinking, and tried to kiss me, and things went really down hill from there. I tried to respectfully break-up, by going for a walk in a neutral place, but she was super resistant. She tried to make out with me, and I had to say "no" several times. She didn't respect my boundaries, so I thought, in the end, my breaking up with her was the best option. Eventually that manipulation stuff leaks into the relationship, and ruins it, because of that intense fear of losing the relationship. Things also got really dark, because she started talking about wanting to die, and how the world wasn't meant for her. I'm not too sure if she was serious, but I suspect it was because it was super painful for her, and it was an odd way of trying to make me stay with her. Then she said that she was okay with poly now, and she'd rather just stay with me than feel what she is feeling right now. Obviously, I felt this wasn't her being honest with me about her feelings, and that's super important, when you are poly. I also said I still wasn't comfortable with the idea of continuing, given what she said that morning. I stayed firm in my decision, and with my boundaries, while trying to remain compassionate and understanding.

It was so hard to see her in pain like that. I sometimes get this sick feeling in my stomach, like I did something bad or horrible and ask myself what the fuck I was thinking. Today, the morning after, my memories are of her crying in my arms, desperately asking me not to do it, and I can't help but break down.

 

[LizziE]

First of all ((((((hugs))))))

Second of all, how long did you date this woman? Over the winter? And when you try to respectfully break up with her because you have different needs for relationships she:

- tries to railroad that by refusing to meet in a public place
- comes to your place drunk
- attempts a sort of mild sexual assault? (I'm pretty sure forcing yourself on someone after they repeatedly say no is a form of sexual assault, even if it's just kissing)
- refuses to leave your home
- lies about being OK with poly after saying she wasn't
- makes suicidal provocative comments

Did I get all that?

Just out of curiosity, how old is she?

Not that age matters overmuch; from what you've described, you dodged a bullet in the breakup. If she was willing to go that far after six months of dating, that level of control would have come out eventually and ruined your life. You did the right thing. Keep telling yourself that: You did the right thing.

As a side note, I had this experience with kink that I think translates to poly. When I first came to terms with being kinky and realized that it was a necessary for me, I still dated people who weren't kinky, but told me that they'd possibly be into it, and needed time to think. Usually 3-6 months.

Except for one person, each of those people, once I broached the subject again, were disappointed that I had brought it up, because they didn't want anything to do with kink, but our relationship was great - was a really going to break up with them over this one *little* thing?

That is how I learned to only date kinky people who already knew about kink and were comfortable with it.

(the one person wasn't into kink really, but was into spontaneous dominance, so we were able to work out something that worked for us)

I would posit that my advice may also apply to poly, especially give the number of posts here from poly people who dated mono people and then were being cowboyed/girled into giving up poly, or the mono people who post on here and feel very upset that the person they are dating is (or wants to try) poly.

There are some success stories, but it looks like the odds aren't really good, overall.

Lastly ((((hugs)))) again. You dodged a bullet. You really did. Think about how she acted at the end there - totally not appropriate or mentally healthy after a six month relationship. You dodged a bullet.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry. Break up are never fun to do. I agree you dodged a bullet.

(Aside: It would help me read easier if you made paragraph breaks when you write. )

I let my gf know we had to have the poly talk soon.

She was surprised, and said it hurt her to know that I wanted to see and love other women,

Why surprise? This is NOT news.

She said that she tried to think about it, like I had asked, but each time she did, it felt really painful. So, she said she couldn't do it, because it would cross a point where it would hurt her too much, and she had hoped, in the time I got to know her better and fall in love, that I had let it go, or changed.

Rather than speaking up at the time and own that it just was not working out for her? And end it sooner and spare you both all this extra time and grief? She did a lie of omission. "Confessing" it now in hopes of pity doesn't make it ok.

I find it hard to relate to people who don't own their stuff. She's doing "poor lil ol' me" to get you to stay after "get him to fall in love with me so he won't leave" plan did not work out.

I cried all day, but decided that since I felt so bad, I should end it. It was a difficult decision, but I felt it had to be done, so we both don't end up hurting each other over a longer period of time.

Yup. Anything less than a "joyous yes" could be called a "no." Disappointing, but it makes discernment easier and allows parties to move on to the healing place and linger THERE. Rather than lingering in the "all up in the air" part. That is not a good place to linger.

Ideally, any party should be able to leave or break up, else it's not a consensual relationship.

Yup.

She didn't respect my boundaries

Yup. You called it right. Does not respect your boundaries and hops all over the place.

• First she makes agreement she soon finds she cannot keep. Trying things to see is not a problem The problem is that she sits on that data rather than making your aware as soon as possible. (lie of omission) Because she wants you to fall deeper in love with her so you will not leave. (her new goal: Emotional entrapment)
• So to meet her goal, she avoids talking about it in various ways and snooze tags the winter deadline
• When YOU bring it up well past deadline for this talk to see where things stand and assess? She tries to avoid the talk
• Then goes to "get it over with NOW rather than wait"
• Then avoid again because she sees you are leaving/breaking up.
• Then throws herself at you.
• Then wants to kill herself
• Then says she's magically "good with poly" now.
• Then cries and desperately begs you not to go.

I see ALL of that as "tactic hopping" to see which one is the right "hook" to hoover you back into her drama so you stay being her life raft. That is NOT you job in life. To be her life raft.

So much of her energy spent on that rigamarole rather than her learning how to stand on her own two feet.

She is not healthy sounding.

I thought, in the end, my breaking up with her was the best option.

Yup. Best option for you. Stop dating unhealthy sounding her. I don't think a mono person dating her would have an easier time. She's wonky sounding.

Things also got really dark, because she started talking about wanting to die, and how the world wasn't meant for her.

Been there. I call 911. Then offer to hold hand while waiting for ambulance. I think that is the appropriate response for someone who is at that place -- call the pros over.

Because if she's serious about suicide, she needs professional care. You are not it. You are not "first response" trained people.

And if she's doing "drama queen stuff" to manipulate? You are not the right guy for that job either. You are not a counselor. She needs professional care of a different kind. Not "first responders" but still professionals. Because break ups are a bummer, but most people don't kill themselves over it OR threaten to kill themselves to get their way. That is messed up behavior whichever way you slice it. You are not the person to treat her for that unhealthy stuff.

I stayed firm in my decision, and with my boundaries, while trying to remain compassionate and understanding.

Good for you! It sounds like it was stressful with her being all over the map. But you did it anyway. Kudos!

I sometimes get this sick feeling in my stomach, like I did something bad or horrible and ask myself what the fuck I was thinking.

You have not done anything wrong. You broke up with someone who is NOT compatible and was not totally honest with herself or with you.

Of course you are going to feel yucky. NOBODY looooooves breaking up. It stinks. In addition, this was not a peaceful break up. This was a super stressy drama one for you where she threatened to kill herself! You will feel extra gross after something like that.

It takes at least 3 days for me to clear "brain chemistry hormone dump" from fight-fight-flee adrenalin response. I always feel pukey/sick until it has cleared away. Remember your own body has to clear that chemistry and how long it takes you is a personal thing. You might take one day, or four. It simply takes time to leave your system and you might experience all kinds of stuff. Not just during the stress time but after. You may feel depressed, low, like you are getting the flu for a few days, got diarrhea, etc. But while you are in this recovery phase, don't blame yourself for her wacky.

She's not healthy sounding -- and it was probably there before you arrived on the scene.

It was RIGHT to break up. You were not compatible. Do your self care instead. Sleep well, or even extra. Eat on time. Do the things that help you relax -- take a walk, read a book, listen to music, get a massage, talk to friends.

I will lift up to you again... You were honest and up front about being poly from the start. Your agreement was to temporarily Close over winter. You met your side of the agreement.

She did not meet her side. She kept things hidden, rather than let you know early on poly was not for her after all because she couldn't even do the thinking she said she would. Instead she played snooze tag with the winter deadline (lies of omission) while her hope was to get you to fall in love with her so it would lead to Closed Permanently. Lure you in, get you bonded, and then it is harder for you to leave. Emotional entrapment. NOT COOL.

I think you did the right thing for yourself. It just sounds too weird there to be healthy with her.

Be on guard for her trying to glom back on or throw herself at you again in the next few days. Make yourself unavailable so she finally gets the message or goes and gloms on a new person.

Do NOT get sucked back into her drama.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Sorry about the breakup Raymo. That's really painful to go through. And I think it's only natural to question yourself, to feel like it was the wrong thing to do, etc. ... Go as easy on yourself as you can. Let the doubts and sufferings pass over you like a monster wave in the deep. Stay the course. Don't second-guess yourself. Give yourself time to feel like you did something wrong until the feeling passes. It will probably take a long time to pass, but be as strong as you can. Lean on this forum however much you need to.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Raymo]

Thank you all! I think I'm coping well with the breakup and enjoying some of my free time to do my own thing. I'm still flooded with fond memories of her, and it makes me sad, but I think this is pretty natural at this stage, and as Keven suggested, I'm allowing them to run their course.

I think you all were right, her behavior was not healthy when she anticipated our relationship ending. I can't say that I'm surprised though, she has some abandonment issues since her mother suddenly passed. For the most part, this was not her behavior in our relationship, and I was so surprised by it.

Yesterday, I received a very short text message apologizing for her behavior. I think this is good, and kind of helps me heal. She does have a lot of very healthy qualities about her in this way. She recognizes when she fucks up fairly quickly, and like many people, might do some pretty crazy things during heartbreak. I can't really fault her for that, and it reminds me that there was a lot of good qualities that I liked about her. So, falling in love with her was not some huge mistake.

Galagirl was also right, part of her strategy seemed to be emotional entrapment. I'm trying to be compassionate about it though. I doubt she was aware she was doing it, and I also didn't bring up the subject of polyamory too much during those 6-7 months that we were seeing each other. Not surprising a false assumption was made. I suppose in the future, if someone was not sure about polyamory, and I was interested in them, I could do more to ensure the individual knows that I currently am, and that it's not going to change.

Therefore, I could have left the lines of communication open for the both of us to discuss the topic throughout, rather than being relatively quiet about the subject until the appropriated deadline. I think this was both of our faults, and a communicative error that probably did more harm than good.

I also appreciate the messages that I did nothing wrong, and actually did the breakup right. Yes, the way it happened was less than perfect or ideal, but I need to be reminded that I did everything that I could to do things appropriately:


I ended up doing it face to face, rather than entirely over the phone, which was good. This was so hard, but I get now why it needs to be done. Yes, it offers closure, but as the person doing the breaking, I needed to see and deal with the consequences of heartbreak, and how painful it is for the person you are breaking up with. It's a serious thing that shouldn't be taken lightly, and seeing the emotional turmoil made me appreciate it's seriousness.

She wanted to sleep over, because it was late, but I declined, and offered a compromise: to walk with her to a nearby park, and sit with her as long as she wanted me to, even til morning.

I explained over and over again the reasons for the breakup, and that it wasn't anything fundamentally wrong with her, but that we just weren't long term compatible at this time. Moreover, me being poly while we try to stay together would hurt her, and since I care about her, I don't want to hurt her over a longer period of time. It was a bit tedious, but I think it helped her.

I let her express to me how much I hurt her, and how painful it was for her. Initially, I was somewhat defensive, but then I realized that I just need to sit and actively listen, so that she can say what she needs to say. I think this is important in a breakup, so the person getting broken up with can say, face to face, things she needs to say. I hope it will help bring her closure.

She tried to kiss me, and I firmly said no, each time, expressing how it is important to respect my boundaries. I think she finally realized how my boundaries were not going to be easily pushed, which will help in the healing process. It's less likely that she will attempt to hoover me back into the relationship, when she knows my decisions and boundaries are so definite.

While the actual breakup didn't happen in a neutral location, I managed to take her to one until the last moments we saw each other. This is important, because it's a safer atmosphere.

We stayed in the park until sunrise, and I initiated parting ways. She was scared to be alone, but I walked her to her car, hugged her, then left.

All in all, I was proud that I was the healthy one during the breakup. I think there was a lot that could have gone wrong, but didn't, because of this.

It wasn't a perfect breakup, but I'm still pretty proud of the way I handled it, given the circumstances. I also grew from it, and continue to grow from it, since I've never had to do it myself.

Whew, writing that out really helped me. Thanks for listening, friends!

 

[GalaGirl]

It wasn't a perfect breakup, but I'm still pretty proud of the way I handled it, given the circumstances.

I want to give you kudos and say I'm proud of you too. You handled a rough thing as best you could and you sound like a person of integrity.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Your perspective is good, Raymo. As humans, we're not perfect; nothing we do will ever be perfect. But, we can do our level best, no matter how hard the situation. I think that's what's most important.

You did fine, and will continue to do well. I hope you'll keep in touch with us here, and let us know whenever you need a helping hand.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.