Poly-flex?

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Dustytx

Member
I've posted before that Surfer & I have had issues lately. I'm in a pretty crappy place right now where often I find myself run by my emotions. While Cowboy is exploring his sexuality with others I find myself not all that interested in sex.

What I do know is I hate the way I'm feeling, I'm not sure I want to chance feeling this way again. It's like being a teenager dealing with a first break-up.

Cowboy is fine with me having casual sex & has said he thinks it could help me put things with Surfer in perspective. He said he understands that if Surfer & I work this out he'll be supportive of me for a second time but he will not watch me get my heart broken a third time.

I stumbled in to poly with Surfer. It was never intended to be more than a good time, FB, FWB type relationship. I'm wondering if this could happen again or if this is just a one time thing with someone I found a great connection with. That's why I've titles the post like I have, poly-flex. Do you guys think it's possible that you can be poly but only if circumstances are right & that it might be with only one person? Similar to the way some people are heteroflexible? All circumstances lining up & not particularly bi/gay/bicurious or poly in this situation.

I do think a FB or FWB might be good for me in the future but it's not right for me right now.

I had a little liaison with a friend I had hooked up with before but it just got weirder & weirder the longer that weekend went on. We were actually only intimate one time the entire weekend. Quite frankly he's an ex co-worker who I've remained friends/drinking buddies with for the past 8 years. While I value my friendship with this guy (we'll call him Jedi) I underestimated the degree of his nerdiness & how much it would get on my nerves lol. Jedi would be more than willing to hook up again if I reached out to him for that purpose & while he & I remain friends I find him less attractive than before because of his passion for interests that I don't share. Cowboy & Jedi actually nerd out together over Star Trek, Star Wars, comic series, etc.

Anyway, I rambled a bit. Just curious if anyone else's poly only extended to one specific person/circumstance.
 
Hey there,

Sorry you are experiencing heartache right now. I so have been there and am somewhat dealing with this in my own way right now.

Your question is one I have been contemplating as well. For me, the answer is yes - it is possible to be situationally poly.

It reminds me of a natural witch vs a book witch, where I personally had to 'train' myself to be poly through books and forums and learning, where my partner is naturally poly and just doesn't experience the same emotional stress as I might.

About 7 years ago I was in a mono relationship when I fell in love with someone who wasn't my partner. He (the other love) identified as poly, so I did all kinds of research on how to navigate opening a relationship. We did it, and with success, shifted into poly for a time. That was definitely a situation for me, where I was with someone and wanted bad enough to be with someone else too, that I made it work.

A few years after that situation, I was later a "solo/single" person again and had become a secondary partner to someone for a while. That also felt like it worked due to circumstance because it was more of a FWB situation, I was happy without a primary and I didn't want or need more from him than he could give, and it worked out delightfully.

Eventually I met my current partner, who identifies as poly, and as I am now 4 years into the relationship with him I am finding myself less and less interested in having sex with other people and finding it more painful when he chooses to do so. I am finding that I am feeling deeply committed to him on a soul level and that I feel so fulfilled and enriched by him that I really have no desire for outside relationships. I am judging and resenting him when he does. BUT, as he is definitely definitely poly, I have to keep re-training, re-reading, re-practicing, and keeping myself open to being open, because although I could easily be monogamous, and that would feel real good for me, it is a non-optional factor for him. I am once again, situationally poly.

(I also realize that it is only hard for me right now because I don't have a love interest. I say I could be mono, and I definitely could, but in 2 or 3 or 5 years or more I met someone who sparked me the right way, I would want to be poly again... so I have to realize that and just stick with it. It seems unfair to only be poly when it suits me)

I am new to the forum and haven't read your past posts, but I hope that whatever is hurting your heart feels easier soon.

All the best~
 
Hm.

Skipping to my ultimate answer to your question, I believe it is HELL YES.

There have been many visits to the question of whether polyamory is more of a lifestyle choice or a sexual/romantic orientation. I think it can be either or both. Both interpretations are completely valid.

What appeals to me the most about poly isn't even the "having multiple partners" that defines it functionally. It's the ideology of freedom to write your own script. It's the notion that we don't have to conduct our relationships in accordance with what society says we do. In fact frankly I think that "social default" relationships can be a little lazy...in that one isn't taking the time to do much deep introspection, or tough communication, to really examine if we're being true to self in our choices.

I am taking a "it's not the destination, it's the journey" approach to life lately. While having goals is important to me, I also hate closing doors on opportunities and possibilities. I can think in terms of now and the short term future, but long term is beyond me. So think of it this way... A normal mono person is expected to couple up, and do the escalator. If they are single for a long time, family will often pressure them to marry and reproduce. So as a poly person, are we embracing another set of demands and expectations, or are we embracing freedom here? Once one is polyamorous, is one expected to stay that way? To, if one has not multiple relationships at the moment, be actively seeking to make that happen?

What if you don't want to?

Personally I think that's ok. I think we should give ourselves permission to explore whatever mode of life feels fulfilling or needful, so long as we are doing our best to be honest and communicative to our partner(s.)

I mentioned to an acquaintance and proponent of polyamory not long ago that I was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed by my poly lifestyle lately and seeing a possible future where I went mono for a while with one of my partners. She replied that it wouldn't last and I'd feel lonely and unfulfilled and my needs would never be met by just one, now that I've tasted poly. "You'll be back," she said. I was actually kind of offended, because in my thinking it's as bad as mono's saying that poly relationships cannot work and will ultimately fail. What the hell do you know? I'm the one writing this script over here. But I know better than to expect or want or promise that any given relationship, group of relationships, or even set of circumstances, is a permanent choice. I want the freedom to evolve, learn, and grow.

And I don't know why that is such a crazy, radical thing to say or want or do.
 
"Polyflexible" resonates with me. I've been in relationships of both kinds, poly and mono. I don't want to commit to "being" poly, but I also refuse to promise lifelong monogamy to anyone ever again. I want to be able to honor the flow of my attractions. Right now, I'm totally satisfied with my one very attentive, very sexual, sweet partner, and though our relationship is officially "open," I find I have little desire to act on it. I wonder if that will change when we come out of NRE.
 
LoveBunny said:
"Polyflexible" resonates with me. I've been in relationships of both kinds, poly and mono. I don't want to commit to "being" poly, but I also refuse to promise lifelong monogamy to anyone ever again. I want to be able to honor the flow of my attractions. Right now, I'm totally satisfied with my one very attentive, very sexual, sweet partner, and though our relationship is officially "open," I find I have little desire to act on it. I wonder if that will change when we come out of NRE.
Click to expand...

See, I think that's what happened. We found ourselves flying blissfully around in a cloud of intense NRE & then the gravity of our lives brought us crashing down. Right now I don't know where I stand which is extremely difficult. Not sure if I'll ever know or if there will be a reconciliation of some sort. To an extent I feel like I'm being ghosted even though that was denied when I brought it up in my very straightforward manner.

I'm reminded of Marilyn Monroe's quote, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."
 
It's always been my feeling that to promise to never change for the rest of your life isn't realistic.

I've never promised life-long anything to any person. That's why I have never married - the "'till death do us part" promise has always seemed quite daft to me. Not one I'd be willing to make.

At this stage in my life I am willing only to do monogamy or be single and right now if my partner were to change his mind about monogamy, I would choose to remain friends with him but would end our romantic/sexual relationship.

That is in no way a life-long promise. Things could change. Things will change - but I'm not sure exactly how.

IP
 
Hi Dustytx,

As long as poly is an orientation, I can see "polyflexible" as part of the spectrum. I myself don't feel like I don't *have* to be poly ... but it's nice to have the option open.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
He says he is polyamorous.
I say I am in a polyamorous relationship.

I do feel like there is flexibility in both, whether applying the poly to the person or the relationship.
 
Hasn't this come up in the past? ;)

If I'm bisexual, but in a (situationally) monogamous relationship, am I any LESS bisexual?

Is anyone allowed to be gay & celibate?

If I claim to be poly, is there some set number of sexual partners I need to have simultaneously in order to maintain my credentials?

Last I checked, people are pretty much allowed to call themselves whatever they want -- the Poly Rules Committee went out for lunch & have never again been seen. :D

People can act in a manner we'd call "polyamory" yet deny they're poly. That's fine: neither need nor leverage to make 'em join the club. Conversely, there's plenty of people who've never moved outside monogamy yet claim to be poly, & who's to say otherwise?

This is Freedom Hall, where we pretty much do as we please & try to avoid fatal collisions. IMO, polyamory -- as a philosophy, outlook, worldview -- is plenty flexible, so creating yet another pigeonhole only complicates things further without adding anything of substance.
 
Ravenscroft said:
Hasn't this come up in the past? ;)

If I'm bisexual, but in a (situationally) monogamous relationship, am I any LESS bisexual?

Is anyone allowed to be gay & celibate?

If I claim to be poly, is there some set number of sexual partners I need to have simultaneously in order to maintain my credentials?

Last I checked, people are pretty much allowed to call themselves whatever they want -- the Poly Rules Committee went out for lunch & have never again been seen. :D

People can act in a manner we'd call "polyamory" yet deny they're poly. That's fine: neither need nor leverage to make 'em join the club. Conversely, there's plenty of people who've never moved outside monogamy yet claim to be poly, & who's to say otherwise?

This is Freedom Hall, where we pretty much do as we please & try to avoid fatal collisions. IMO, polyamory -- as a philosophy, outlook, worldview -- is plenty flexible, so creating yet another pigeonhole only complicates things further without adding anything of substance.
Click to expand...

I wasn't necessarily trying to Pigeon hole myself or anyone else. Just wondering if in a situation where all of the stars aligned there could be a poly connection wheras in any other circumstances it wouldn't exist.

I don't feel like with anyone other than Surfer it would have happened the way it did. I truly & deeply love the man even though we're trying to work through some things right now. I don't know where we'll end up but I do know I've only felt this way about 3 people in my life.
 
Yup, polyflex works for me. I think it was a case of the stars aligning in regards to whatever is going on with me & Moog right now.
 
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