Thanks for taking the time to read my post. My husband and I have recently decided he can pursue being poly while I am mono. It all started out well but his new girlfriend does not like the fact of him being poly or married, she doesn't understand how this could work but still really wants him and doesn't want to break it off. I don't know what she thinks will happen in the end but I get the feeling she'd like him to herself. I try to stay out of it and tell myself is all in my head but it's getting harder. We started out very open about everything but she tells him she wants him to keep their relationship private and not to tell me anything about what they do but my agreement with him when we started this is full disclosure and I'm starting to feel left in the dark. I don't know what to do. I am perfectly comfortable with him dating other people but i want our agreement to be kept and not be shut out to keep her happy. Help....
poly husband's new girlfriend
- Thread starter MGKlass
- Start date
Have you talked to your husband about this? He's the one in the relationship with her, so it's his responsibility to keep things running smoothly. If you and he have made certain agreements, if he wants to change them, communication is the key, not just changing things without talking to you.
At the same time, she does have the right to ask that her love life be kept private. It's *her* relationship too. You and your husband agreed to full disclosure, but *she* didn't. It isn't fair to expect someone else to follow an agreement they weren't involved in setting.
However, I don't see where you tell us what your husband is doing. She's asking him to keep their relationship private (which, again, is her right), so is he going along with her? Or is he trying to keep your agreement? You say you believe she's trying to play cowgirl (i.e. break up your marriage so she can have him to herself), but how is *he* responding to that? How is he acting toward you?
At the same time, she does have the right to ask that her love life be kept private. It's *her* relationship too. You and your husband agreed to full disclosure, but *she* didn't. It isn't fair to expect someone else to follow an agreement they weren't involved in setting.
However, I don't see where you tell us what your husband is doing. She's asking him to keep their relationship private (which, again, is her right), so is he going along with her? Or is he trying to keep your agreement? You say you believe she's trying to play cowgirl (i.e. break up your marriage so she can have him to herself), but how is *he* responding to that? How is he acting toward you?
I have talked with him a bit he says he feels stuck on the middle trying to keep us both happy, and i have relaxed my half from needing to know all the details to only wanting to know if they had sex/fooled around and I do understand her not being comfortable with the full disclosure and i am open to compromise i just don't know how to acheave it. I don't think she can wrap her head around the fact that I'm ok with him being with other people since she does not feel that way. I want them both to be happy but i would like my feelings to be taken into consideration too
You absolutely have the right to have your feelings considered. As for disclosure, I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask that your partner tell you if he's had sex with another partner, if for no other reason than keeping track of sexual health.
Has his girlfriend *said* she doesn't want him to have other partners, or is this something you're inferring from what you know of her? I'm also not clear from your post... is this something *she* is saying to you, or something *he* is passing along from her? If it's the second one, he's being a bit of a sloppy hinge; you don't need to know if she's saying things that are upsetting to you. Again, it's his responsibility to manage the relationship with her.
I can see why he would feel caught in the middle, but that might be partly because he's put himself there. If he is telling you what his girlfriend's saying and thinking, and presumably telling her what you're saying and thinking, that's too much sharing. He needs to keep communication with her between them, and communication with you between the two of you.
(Spoiler alert: Sometimes there isn't a way to keep both/all partners happy. Sometimes the person "in the middle" needs to set and keep boundaries about their relationships and think more about what *they* want and need than what their partners want.)
Has his girlfriend *said* she doesn't want him to have other partners, or is this something you're inferring from what you know of her? I'm also not clear from your post... is this something *she* is saying to you, or something *he* is passing along from her? If it's the second one, he's being a bit of a sloppy hinge; you don't need to know if she's saying things that are upsetting to you. Again, it's his responsibility to manage the relationship with her.
I can see why he would feel caught in the middle, but that might be partly because he's put himself there. If he is telling you what his girlfriend's saying and thinking, and presumably telling her what you're saying and thinking, that's too much sharing. He needs to keep communication with her between them, and communication with you between the two of you.
(Spoiler alert: Sometimes there isn't a way to keep both/all partners happy. Sometimes the person "in the middle" needs to set and keep boundaries about their relationships and think more about what *they* want and need than what their partners want.)
breathemusic
Active member
Are you only asking to know when his relationship has escalated (first time getting physical, first time having sex, etc)? I can understand if the g/f would feel like it was an invasion of privacy if the husband had to report back EVERY time he fooled around with his g/f. What purpose would knowing that even serve after you know that bridge has been crossed? If you're just wanting to know when things escalate, I agree that for the purposes of sexual health, that's reasonable to me!
If she's not comfortable with him having other partners, then why is she even dating him unless she's hoping that he'll leave you? That would be a huge red flag to me, but I agree that it's his job to be the hinge between his 2 partners and it sounds like passing along all of the "she said" isn't helping.
But either way, it sounds to me like all of you each need to take time to sit down and think about your own personal boundaries, share them with your partner(s) and then stick to them.
If she's not comfortable with him having other partners, then why is she even dating him unless she's hoping that he'll leave you? That would be a huge red flag to me, but I agree that it's his job to be the hinge between his 2 partners and it sounds like passing along all of the "she said" isn't helping.
But either way, it sounds to me like all of you each need to take time to sit down and think about your own personal boundaries, share them with your partner(s) and then stick to them.
I think you have a right to know some things, such as when he has plans with her, and when the relationship becomes sexual, but not about what they do or say to each other during those time. An exception would be her trying to convince him to change his relationship with you, or interfere in any way.
Then, it comes down to how good your relationship is. However, he should establish limits with her that she is not to attempt to interfere with his relationship with you, not try to break you up, or anything similar. If she does not respect these simple boundaries, he should make it clear that he will have to break up with her.
Essentially, she is not poly, and wants him for herself. She is not good poly relationship material unless she can adjust her attitude on this, and he should decide what to do based on this and her behavior.
Then, it comes down to how good your relationship is. However, he should establish limits with her that she is not to attempt to interfere with his relationship with you, not try to break you up, or anything similar. If she does not respect these simple boundaries, he should make it clear that he will have to break up with her.
Essentially, she is not poly, and wants him for herself. She is not good poly relationship material unless she can adjust her attitude on this, and he should decide what to do based on this and her behavior.
Hi MGKlass,
Did your husband's girlfriend know about the rules before she got involved with him? If she didn't, she should have. He should have told her. If she did, then she implicitly agreed to abide by the rules by getting involved with him. I suppose she can change her mind, and decide not to abide by the rules, but maybe at that point it is time for your husband to break up with her. But you also have to decide what you'll do if he doesn't honor your wishes. Do you want to stay married to a man who lets her push you around? Something to think about.
I hope you can work this out with him. I hope she'll come around too, but I don't have much hope of that.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
Did your husband's girlfriend know about the rules before she got involved with him? If she didn't, she should have. He should have told her. If she did, then she implicitly agreed to abide by the rules by getting involved with him. I suppose she can change her mind, and decide not to abide by the rules, but maybe at that point it is time for your husband to break up with her. But you also have to decide what you'll do if he doesn't honor your wishes. Do you want to stay married to a man who lets her push you around? Something to think about.
I hope you can work this out with him. I hope she'll come around too, but I don't have much hope of that.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
playfulgirl
Member
Hi there.
I'm a Gf to a married man. We all had struggles at first. It's hard. What level of disclosure are you needing? Can you communicate this to your spouse and his new partner. Different people are ok with different levels of disclosure.
Real and I had to discuss how much I was ok with him sharing about our relationship. Lady had to communicate with him about what she needed. Through lots of convo we reached an agreement about what share line worked for us. This is now a model I use in all my relationships.
Are you able to find a good compromise between what you need to know and what he needs to share?
For me that is a baseline for the sustainability of a relationship in poly land.
As for advice, I would think about the absolutes you need to go forward and let him and her if possible know and go from there.
For me I don't want all of my intimate feelings shared but I was ok/desirous of with him letting lady know about milestones like the first I love yous and commitments and or big sex acts (ex. First kiss, oral, vaginal, anal etc) as those could affect her health etc.
Lady and I are friendly and know each other so this is easy for us.
With other partners it's more strained, some of Fox's gfs have been more hesitant. For me, I only need to know about things regarding sexual health or a heads up if Fox thinks he may change our agreements.
Think about what you need to know to feel healthy and secure. Let your hubby know that and ask him to negotiate these things as he can with his partner. It is ok to say what you need; it is also ok for him and his partner to let you know what will work. That gives a baseline to start figuring out a plan.
I'm a Gf to a married man. We all had struggles at first. It's hard. What level of disclosure are you needing? Can you communicate this to your spouse and his new partner. Different people are ok with different levels of disclosure.
Real and I had to discuss how much I was ok with him sharing about our relationship. Lady had to communicate with him about what she needed. Through lots of convo we reached an agreement about what share line worked for us. This is now a model I use in all my relationships.
Are you able to find a good compromise between what you need to know and what he needs to share?
For me that is a baseline for the sustainability of a relationship in poly land.
As for advice, I would think about the absolutes you need to go forward and let him and her if possible know and go from there.
For me I don't want all of my intimate feelings shared but I was ok/desirous of with him letting lady know about milestones like the first I love yous and commitments and or big sex acts (ex. First kiss, oral, vaginal, anal etc) as those could affect her health etc.
Lady and I are friendly and know each other so this is easy for us.
With other partners it's more strained, some of Fox's gfs have been more hesitant. For me, I only need to know about things regarding sexual health or a heads up if Fox thinks he may change our agreements.
Think about what you need to know to feel healthy and secure. Let your hubby know that and ask him to negotiate these things as he can with his partner. It is ok to say what you need; it is also ok for him and his partner to let you know what will work. That gives a baseline to start figuring out a plan.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Everyone has different levels of comfort with sharing/knowing/not knowing. Being able to share those preferences with your partners is a good first step.
Maybe a good exercise is for everyone to make a short list of a.) Things I want to know about your OTHER relationship, b.) Things I DON'T want to know about your OTHER relationship, c.) Things I MIND being shared about ME/OUR relationship, d.) Things I DON'T MIND being shared about ME/OUR relationship.
In the MrS/Me/Dude/Lotus relationship there were so many different levels of comfort that it was almost hard to keep track.
Dude = wants/needs to share every detail and know every detail (i.e. everyone hears everything whether they want to or not)
Lotus = ok with sharing every detail, ok with knowing every detail but doesn't NEED to know or share more than the others wants to know - other than safer sex info, level of involvement info and scheduling info (i.e. I am willing to share/hear everything - what do YOU want to share/know?)
Me = I want to know and share safer sex info, level of involvement info (i.e. feelings) and scheduling info. IF you had sex, did you use protection? Are you falling in love in a direction that could change our living situation? How long are you planning on being gone?/When can I expect you back? (For the last set - don't bother asking Dude, what ever he estimates will be approximately 576% removed from reality.) I DON'T want to hear sexual details, I DON'T want my sexual details shared. I DON'T want to hear a minute-by-minute play-back. An outline "We met up at restaurant - food was good, I should take you there. We went back to X place and had a good time, including sex, which was protected by our rules. I made plans to see her again on Friday. No spark yet, but not ruling it out." - PERFECT.
MrS = More difficult for me to analyze, even though I have know him the longest. He will listen to anything I NEED to share ("we had sex" OR "I have feelings"). If he wants to know something, he will ask. If I feel that the other person would be comfortable with me sharing then I will tell him (like about being with Dude or Lotus who have a "share anything" mentality). If I don't know how the other person might feel than I ask "why" he wants to know - what underlying questions about his relationship with me is he trying to figure out.
I very rarely ask MrS about his experiences - the chances of him ever bumping up even close to a boundary without discussing it with me are...NOT. The other weekend we went out with friends and SLeW was sitting between me and him during a scary part of the movie. She clutched at him and buried her face in his shoulder (he is a VERY safe-feeling man). He came home smiling - "She held my hand, it was SOOO nice."
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Once again I find myself composing a blog post instead of a reply...whatever, tonight I will let it stand.
Maybe a good exercise is for everyone to make a short list of a.) Things I want to know about your OTHER relationship, b.) Things I DON'T want to know about your OTHER relationship, c.) Things I MIND being shared about ME/OUR relationship, d.) Things I DON'T MIND being shared about ME/OUR relationship.
In the MrS/Me/Dude/Lotus relationship there were so many different levels of comfort that it was almost hard to keep track.
Dude = wants/needs to share every detail and know every detail (i.e. everyone hears everything whether they want to or not)
Lotus = ok with sharing every detail, ok with knowing every detail but doesn't NEED to know or share more than the others wants to know - other than safer sex info, level of involvement info and scheduling info (i.e. I am willing to share/hear everything - what do YOU want to share/know?)
Me = I want to know and share safer sex info, level of involvement info (i.e. feelings) and scheduling info. IF you had sex, did you use protection? Are you falling in love in a direction that could change our living situation? How long are you planning on being gone?/When can I expect you back? (For the last set - don't bother asking Dude, what ever he estimates will be approximately 576% removed from reality.) I DON'T want to hear sexual details, I DON'T want my sexual details shared. I DON'T want to hear a minute-by-minute play-back. An outline "We met up at restaurant - food was good, I should take you there. We went back to X place and had a good time, including sex, which was protected by our rules. I made plans to see her again on Friday. No spark yet, but not ruling it out." - PERFECT.
MrS = More difficult for me to analyze, even though I have know him the longest. He will listen to anything I NEED to share ("we had sex" OR "I have feelings"). If he wants to know something, he will ask. If I feel that the other person would be comfortable with me sharing then I will tell him (like about being with Dude or Lotus who have a "share anything" mentality). If I don't know how the other person might feel than I ask "why" he wants to know - what underlying questions about his relationship with me is he trying to figure out.
I very rarely ask MrS about his experiences - the chances of him ever bumping up even close to a boundary without discussing it with me are...NOT. The other weekend we went out with friends and SLeW was sitting between me and him during a scary part of the movie. She clutched at him and buried her face in his shoulder (he is a VERY safe-feeling man). He came home smiling - "She held my hand, it was SOOO nice."
***********************************************
Once again I find myself composing a blog post instead of a reply...whatever, tonight I will let it stand.
Thank you to everyone who has responded especially playfulgirl. I will try your approach. I'm just having trouble talking with him about the changing boundries because he is taking it as me getting upset about it when that can't be farther from the truth i just want to clarify things so we are on the same page and everyone can be happy. Lately he is insisting that they are deciding to just be really good friends but I know that's a lie because of other things I've seen and interactions in aware of. I don't want to call him out on that because it will put me 20 steps back on talking about any of this with him. I'm very unsure of what approach to take to get him to open up a little more. I think he wants the best of both worlds keeping her happy being a new relationship and all and me in the dark so that I'm blissfully ignorant and happy, he just forgets l'm not stupid and i can see what's going on I'm not blissfully ignorant or blind. We have a good relationship otherwise so I don't need suggestions from people that i should leave. I think a lot of this has to do with this being new situation but is still hard.