Poly, imbalance, urges, very confused...

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poobah123

New member
It's been a while since I have posted here. If you search my previous messages, I shared how I was struggling with jealousy issues. I feel like I have really overcome them fully now, but have other concerns.

My wife Sarah and I entered into this with another couple due to my emotional affair with Sarah's friend Sunny. So from the start, our relationship was not good entering this. Now I am totally confused and dealing with the following issues:

  • 1) My marriage has nothing. Emotionally nothing. Physically nothing. We are simply good friends who love each other. Nothing else. Which makes me feel like I have a roommate with three kids whom I fully support!
  • 2) Sunny is great. I love her. However, the attraction is not very strong. Sex is enjoyable, but I don't find myself jumping at the chance to have sex. I suppose you could say "She is not my type." Yes, this is shallow, but shouldn't I need to feel sexual desire?
  • 3) I married young and never lived a single life. I have met many women recently. I am really struggling with my desire to meet women, both from a sexual aspect, but also from the point that meeting and learning about someone new is fun!

To point #1. Sarah is gorgeous; she's my type. However we have major issues with communication. It's not that we don't talk, but we speak different languages. I don't understand her. For example, she is unemotional, non-affectionate, limited sexually. Not recently, but her whole life. We are very incompatible sexually. She only orgasms via being on top, or using the Magic Wand. I go limp with her on top. Who knows why. She is simply not sensitive "down there" at all. Oral has literally no effect. She wants like 10 minutes of foreplay, and then she wants to get off and be done.

To point #2: On the other hand, Sunny is very sensitive, can orgasm like crazy, loves oral and all the little things I do. We have 4-hour marathon sessions.

To Point #3: I am really having issues with this. Since I am not strongly attracted to Sunny, it makes it harder. I am just seriously struggling with my desire to be with other women. I feel an almost uncontrollable urge. I have refrained from doing anything, though. Also, Sunny is entirely open to bringing another women into bed with us, as she likes that, but Sam doesn't.

So, I suppose I am just looking for some viewpoints. Any advice?
 
The only advice I can offer is that of an inexperienced polyamorous person. It sounds like you and Sarah need to explore new options with other people. Maybe she could become a leg in a V-shaped relationship with someone else. If you enjoy spending time with her and love her as a friend, then wouldn't it be nice to have her as a roommate? As for Sunny, she sounds like another friend.

If you want to be with other women, you should think about bringing another person into your family, or seeing other women outside (maybe multiple women, to keep the sex interesting). As long as you are open and communicating with all parties involved, all should be well.

From my understanding of a large polyamorous family, there are a lot of emotions and different opinions and wants... so I imagine it's hard to work something out that makes everyone happy.

Like I said before, I am very inexperienced and have never had a poly family before. I am just writing how I feel with my limited knowledge on the subject. All I know is that if you love hard and laugh often, all will be okay.
 
Hi, Poobah. Welcome back.

Things have shifted again. How did you get to "My marriage has nothing"? Is this the result of the two of you focusing on your marriage? Did you make it through the holidays before finding this out?

What's stopping you from looking for the "right" relationship? Why cobble together 2, 3, 4 inferior relationships together to make something tolerable? If you know the "type" of women you want, and are fixated on the fact that Sunny isn't it, do everyone a favor and go find the right one.
 
Poobah, this is going to read harshly. Feel free to skip.

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Why are you remaining in a marriage that appears to be no longer working? If there is no emotional, sexual, or romantic connection with Sarah, why are you still in the relationship? You two can raise your children and still be good friends who love each other without being married to each other.

Why are you having sex with women you like, even love, but you don't find attractive? Some of your other threads mentioned this pattern - sex with women who aren't actually attractive to you. I don't get why you can't just say {No thanks. You're awesome, but I am not interested."

It does sound like you need to be single, to figure out who you are, what you want and who you truly feel attracted to and want.
 
poobah123 said:
My wife is gorgeous; she's my type. However, we have major issues with communication. It's not that we don't talk, but we speak different languages. I don't understand her.
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This is not unusual and it doesn't have to be permanent. Marriage counseling works wonders for just this sort of thing. BTDT. :)

A few thoughts about your sex struggles with your wife. You say you married young. It took me a lot of years to actually figure out what would set me off. Unfortunately, trying to "change" my husband's technique after 18 years of marriage proved frustrating, at best. Does she know how to make herself orgasm? Has she spoken to her gynecologist about the lack of sensitivity? They may be able to help.
 
I'm going to be quite frank here, so take it or leave it. You have been frank about how you feel, so I am taking your lead.

If I were your wife I would just want to get off too. Why? Because it seems from how you write that your attitude sucks. You sound whiney and like a child who wants a new toy. I'm telling you, you are missing NOTHING in the dating world. It's full of games, loneliness and desperation. Just because you desire other women does not mean you will bed them. Your mind is deceiving you on what you are missing.

It seems to me you have everything right in front of you, yet you've decided to not be satisfied. The women you have in your life are quite acceptable, and could be fantastic, if you decide that. I would be showering them with love and devotion for their loveliness and for the amazing women they are. I would start asking for all my sexual needs to be met in creative ways. Start doing things for them that show them how special they are, even if it's just faking it until you make it. Start listening to them with as much presence as can be mustered, and wonder about how they see things. Ask questions and rethink how they communicate on issues of importance in their life.

I think you should stop thinking you are entitled to more. You aren't. Everything you need is right there in what you have.

Essentially, get your head out of "me, me, me" and into being empathetic towards others. I think you might find that the love in your heart is trapped and can't get out, rather than you need another woman. That sounds more like a band-aid than making change.
 
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