Divorce has come up pretty much because my husband and his gf won't give each other up and he's been throwing in my face that I've done the same when I've apologized and am now trying to fix it by taking it just us for however long. I got told that I either stick with him and endure what he did or leave so I'm pretty much done at this point. But what would I put in the divorce. That we both committed adultery? No fault or what? He doesn't want a divorce but has left me with either suffer through them or leave.
Poly in divorce filing?
- Thread starter Kittykate
- Start date
I have no personal experience with poly divorce, but if as you say you and your husband have both had partners outside the marriage, poly becomes kind of a moot issue and wouldn't affect the case either way. But that's pure guesswork on my part. I would definitely talk to a lawyer. Just one session, a quick consult, to get a general idea of what you're dealing with here. Whether you retain that lawyer during the actual divorce proceedings is something you could decide later.
If you divorce, you should definitely try to establish alimony and child support.
If you divorce, you should definitely try to establish alimony and child support.
Most divorces these days are no fault, but talk to a lawyer. Your husband might not want to divorce, but it's expensive to fight it, and litigating a divorce only makes sense if you have some incredibly valuable stuff to split up, or child custody/support to work out. Talk to a lawyer.
SNeacail
New member
You won't talk to an attorney, but you are worried about what to put down when you do file? Do you even know what your options are in the state you live in?
IMHO - using adultery as a cause would be a LIE and unethical in this case.
Rule of thumb: Do NOT make life changing decisions while pregnant up to 12 months after baby.
IMHO - using adultery as a cause would be a LIE and unethical in this case.
Rule of thumb: Do NOT make life changing decisions while pregnant up to 12 months after baby.
Candiedlove
New member
If you can't stand being poly, get a divorce. But don't drag his girlfriend into your and his mess.
Livingmybestlife
Member
Kitty if you want to move home file their. I know from past thread you just moved to Az. Your pregnant with a toddler, go to your home state and file
Keep is posted.
How are you feeling.
Keep is posted.
How are you feeling.
Inyourendo
New member
Most states don't allow a divorce while you're pregnant.
Candiedlove
New member
Really? So you have to stay together till it's born...and then you're allowed to divorce?
andersong1980
New member
As an attorney practicing in this area, I can say these generalized things, however none of these should be construed as legal advice, but as a mere statement of reality.
1) The jurisdiction where I practice will not allow a couple to finalize a divorce with a child in wait. Custody Orders have to be entered, and Family Court's at least in my state do not have jurisdiction to enter a Custody Order over an unborn child.
2) In polyamourous situations, it creates a complexity of if the child is with another partner. If one party beleives it is, then a paternity test will be done so that a paternity judgment can be entered.
3) Random conservativeness (Court's not mine), I've represented people in polyamorous situations of which the Courts became aware. This is very dangerous territory, because right or wrong, I've seen children removed from homes in these circumstances, then it becomes a fight with the Court on a much deeper plane than Divorce actions.
I'm not trying to be a wet blanket to anyone, I'm here for a reason just like you all are, but these are things that need to be considered.
1) The jurisdiction where I practice will not allow a couple to finalize a divorce with a child in wait. Custody Orders have to be entered, and Family Court's at least in my state do not have jurisdiction to enter a Custody Order over an unborn child.
2) In polyamourous situations, it creates a complexity of if the child is with another partner. If one party beleives it is, then a paternity test will be done so that a paternity judgment can be entered.
3) Random conservativeness (Court's not mine), I've represented people in polyamorous situations of which the Courts became aware. This is very dangerous territory, because right or wrong, I've seen children removed from homes in these circumstances, then it becomes a fight with the Court on a much deeper plane than Divorce actions.
I'm not trying to be a wet blanket to anyone, I'm here for a reason just like you all are, but these are things that need to be considered.
Inyourendo
New member
yes they do that to establish paternity. some states require a pregnancy test for all divorces during my divorce with my ex they just asked me if I was pregnant I could have lied for all they knew
Could you consider middle step between (staying there watching the wacky) and (divorcing and leaving entirely)? Like a trial separation where you move to your family to have the baby? So you are at least free of watching the wacky up close and personal?
In that time apart who knows? Maybe he comes to his senses, the GF leaves, you and he patch it up, the trio stabilizes, it becomes more clear that you need to split, etc. Many things could happen - but they need time and space to happen IN.
A trial separation could be helpful for making that time and space to have things happen in, for rest, for giving birth in a calmer way, and for reaching clarity before embarking on any permanent life altering decisions.
In your other threads? To me your husband does not seem to take personal responsibility. When he "suffered" with you dating your BFs, he blames you rather than the situation, a situation he chose to enter when he agreed to non monogamy. When you make reasonable requests to find a house first before dating, he blows you off and continues to blow it off. Which is him not managing his marital relationship and taking personal responsibility for helping with its healthy upkeep.
He is presenting you with "like it or not, YOU deal with it!" right now.
If you guys are still living with her and there still isn't a separate home for you and husband? Could present it that way:
He either starts getting responsible, or not. And you get some distance to evaluate that more clearly despite your emotional ties. As well as time to research which of the states is better to file in if it comes down to that.
Boil it down to behavior done/not done. He steps it up on finding a home so you do not all live together crowded or not. He steps up, you come back. He does not? You think about moving on and filing, not just researching.
Try to remove the emotional component entirely even though it can be hard.
Distance is good for that.
Hang in there,
Galagirl
In that time apart who knows? Maybe he comes to his senses, the GF leaves, you and he patch it up, the trio stabilizes, it becomes more clear that you need to split, etc. Many things could happen - but they need time and space to happen IN.
A trial separation could be helpful for making that time and space to have things happen in, for rest, for giving birth in a calmer way, and for reaching clarity before embarking on any permanent life altering decisions.
In your other threads? To me your husband does not seem to take personal responsibility. When he "suffered" with you dating your BFs, he blames you rather than the situation, a situation he chose to enter when he agreed to non monogamy. When you make reasonable requests to find a house first before dating, he blows you off and continues to blow it off. Which is him not managing his marital relationship and taking personal responsibility for helping with its healthy upkeep.
He is presenting you with "like it or not, YOU deal with it!" right now.
- He WILL NOT participate in the marriage in a healthy way to solve problems and resolve conflict. (You were not even saying no -- you were saying finish the move, get home first.)
- He WILL NOT take personal responsibility and help file a divorce if he no longer wants to participate in the marriage in a healthy way.
- He WILL fob it all on you to deal. This is all kinds of fresh to me.
If you guys are still living with her and there still isn't a separate home for you and husband? Could present it that way:
"We need a time out. I am going to AZ to live with family to have the baby. That let's you and X have space to date free of fuss. Let's you have time to find some home rental potentials. I can fly back to look at them together when you have narrowed down top 3 and sorted out your VA check."
He either starts getting responsible, or not. And you get some distance to evaluate that more clearly despite your emotional ties. As well as time to research which of the states is better to file in if it comes down to that.
Boil it down to behavior done/not done. He steps it up on finding a home so you do not all live together crowded or not. He steps up, you come back. He does not? You think about moving on and filing, not just researching.
Try to remove the emotional component entirely even though it can be hard.
Distance is good for that.
Hang in there,
Galagirl
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Inyourendo
New member
Some places require a long term separation. Your best bet is to file for separation, move away so when you file for divorce you will have met your requirements. If you stay put after the baby is born they may not grant a divorce if you haven't satisfied the separation requirments. Check which state you plan on filing in to determine what you need to do now in preparation
andersong1980
New member
As for the separation aspect,
Most states require someone be a legal resident of the state for not less than 180 days prior to filing of the divorce.
To be divorce for example in my jurisdiction, a couple must be separated (not living as husband and wife) for sixty days before a divorce can be granted. In this jurisdiction, if the parties have children, you have to wait that sixty days subsequent to filing the Petition. People without kids can just allege they've been separated for sixty days and get divorced once they have.
Most states require someone be a legal resident of the state for not less than 180 days prior to filing of the divorce.
To be divorce for example in my jurisdiction, a couple must be separated (not living as husband and wife) for sixty days before a divorce can be granted. In this jurisdiction, if the parties have children, you have to wait that sixty days subsequent to filing the Petition. People without kids can just allege they've been separated for sixty days and get divorced once they have.
Candiedlove
New member
I understand the reasoning a bit, but it still seems crazy. I mean, what if the spouse was abusive after she got pregnant? It happens.
I suppose she could still separate and maybe get a restraining order, though...
Pretty much he keeps telling me that I made him suffer and he could've divorced me any time. And that nobody can change and my sorry and realizing my mistakes means nothing. I told him they were being ridiculous fighting over simply having the title boyfriend/girlfriend right now because they aren't allowed to do anything. No alone time together after him telling me he's had plenty of chances to "do whatever with her" or "fuck her", her putting my name in her phone down as psycho, and then accusing me of snooping through her phone when it was right there and I saw it. I pretty much told him straight up if she isn't done as his "girlfriend" when I go to NC to visit family for 3 weeks I will stay there til he finds us a house or gets rid of her, and if he doesn't get rid of her period I will divorce him. I would have no issues with letting them try again and reconsidering poly if they weren't be disrespectful to me right now or during this whole thing. She keeps calling him her "soulmate", and he told me her husband said if he breaks her heart by breaking up with her we are basically homeless. Which isn't a very good freind to me in my opinion. Everyone in the house is pretty much upset, or pissed at me so I am the bad guy in all this and everyone else is perfect little angels. I just am tired of being the bad guy for first asking for a break til everyone got settled, now til we get our marriage figured out, but everyone keeps saying I caused it by pushing it and trying it and all this other stuff and I am just like really. They are just being downright disrespectful and rude.
Inyourendo
New member
Yeah he sounds like he wants her and doesn't give a shit about your feelings n have your family buy you a bus ticket and get the Hell out of there. If he loves you he'll come find you. If not then it's a shame he chose t gh I new woman over his wife and children but staying there isn't good for you child or your pregnancy
Memorandum
New member
Bookmark a lawyer as soon as possible please. Make sure it's one that will rake him over the coals.
After what he's said and the way they are all ganging up on you, there are not enough chances in the world to make that right. You are not the bad guy here, they all are.
After what he's said and the way they are all ganging up on you, there are not enough chances in the world to make that right. You are not the bad guy here, they all are.
Candiedlove
New member
Sorry if I lost the thread, but what exactly made everyone else the bad guys?