I do not think that asking someone to support you in your decisions and pursuing your dreams is unreasonable. Support should be a given as long as you are not trying to hurt anyone or do something illegal.
Asking? Sure. That's reasonable. Expecting to
get it just because you asked? That's kinda entitled, and not taking Si's willingness or needs into account, the very problem of "considering others" that Matt was trying to point out.
I am not comfortable with the "should" word there. In my own life I prefer using "could."
Si
could give her support right now, if she were willing. Right now she is
not willing, for whatever reason. Who knows? Maybe from her point of view, she's prioritizing her
own self-care needs, and taking a time-out to regain composure right after a blow-out experience like this.
Matt had to have his time-out, and rightly so, to regain his footing and sort out his stuff.
Si's gotten dumped by Matt; she's on rocky footing with you; there are major life changes that can and do affect her in her polyship coming soon, with you moving.
Maybe she doesn't feel willing
right this minute to be tending to you, and giving you support, because she has to put her own oxygen mask on first. I find it odd that you expect support and consideration from Si when you yourself were not giving support or consideration to Matt, or listening to him.
Look, you are going to feel things. Guilt is one of them. A big thing went down for all of you, something you all co-created.
I got to be myself, be with the people I loved, but in being myself and following my true nature, you could say that I hurt others in my pursuit of happiness. That is an extension of why I feel selfish.
Selfish is not a feeling to experience, to me. Selfish is a way of behaving. I think that could be reframed as--
"Hey, I got to behave the way I did with the people I loved for a time. By behaving the way I did, I hurt others in my pursuit of my own happiness. I was made aware that my conduct was selfish. I was not considering them when choosing my behaviors. I feel guilty now that I have been made aware, because I see I did behave in selfish ways that only considered my needs and not the needs of others.
I would like to feel _____. In future, I would like to behave in a manner that is ________ toward my partners. I now expect ________ from myself and my behavior. "
You could fill in the blanks so you can move it along. In the end, you will either change your behavior or not.
Traveling through "Why do I feel guilty?" could be helpful, but it might not be helpful if overdone. I'm not even sure "guilty" is the correct word for what you feel. Could it be "ashamed and remorseful" instead? Parking it at "guilty" alone is just feeling embarrassed you did do a thing and got called into account. Yes. Guilty as charged. And? So what? "Ashamed and remorseful" implies you plan to
do something about it to correct your behavior.
Maybe you feel "guilty, ashamed, and remorseful" because you plan to change your conduct.
Maybe you feel "guilty only" because you got called into account, and don't enjoy that. But you don't necessarily want to change your conduct about it, because you do not feel ashamed or remorseful.
Only you know how you actually feel at this point in time. Feelings take time to blow on through. Only you know what you want to do about it, if anything at all. Everyone has to hold their own emotional baggage.
That may be hard to hear, but I mean it kindly: y
ou are always free to choose how you behave. You are not free from the consequences of having chosen that behavior.
Sometimes the consequences are fun to feel. Sometimes they are not. You now have the opportunity to adjust your behavior in your next behavior choice.
People mess up.
If your feelings are just making static, and you are not doing well at sorting that out right now, you could just focus on your behavior done/not done. If your previous conduct did not serve you well, what you do want to improve about your conduct? See if that new behavior later ensues in new better feelings.
Spending too much time looking backwards is facing your future butt first. One can cry some over burned toast. But sooner or later one must clean up the yuck and get on with making the new breakfast.
It's good to look back enough to discern what lessons you can learn, but then move
forward and
apply what you have discerned, not just trade one "going in circles" type hamster wheel for another. If looking over stuff is keeping you stuck, you could
stop looking over stuff, and just get on with making the improvements in your conduct.
Are you spending too much time looking for something
outside your previous conduct to blame, like your poly nature?
"Life sucks because of this stinky burned toast! Life sucks because I wanted toast for breakfast! Life sucks because of this toaster!" Changing to waffles or bagels, you could still deal in the same burning problem. That's not attacking the root of problem-- learning how to use to the toaster.
Learn
how to attend to other's wants, needs, and limits, and consider them when you choose your behaviors when you are in a relationship. Don't just consider your own things. Change your behavior to execute the new plan to see if it creates a better way of going overall in your relationships, regardless of the configuration or number of partners you have.
This is a basic interpersonal-relationship skill. This is not a poly thing.
Maybe my toast analogies don't serve you or resonate with you. But whatever does resonate, you could focus on moving it
forward, change your behavior, learn your "how to do it better" skills when relating to people.
You don't
have to. Nobody can make you, not internet people, not Si, not Matt. Pick what you want to do next for yourself. Pick how you want to behave next. You can consider this, if you want to.
Galagirl
