Poly Justification for love triangle

A

appleseed123

New member
Not really sure where to start but I guess I'll give an overview of my current situation.

I'm 36 married for 10 years (wife is 34), but we've been together since just after high school. My wife and I have 3 kids. I never considered myself Poly and didn't even know that word existed until this year.

I guess to make a long story short, in January I developed pretty strong feelings for a girl I happened to strike up a conversation with online, and ever since we've talked daily, and we've met in person once, but nothing "happened"...

Little background on her, she's 23, has one kid and a somewhat complicated boyfriend.

so there you have it, just like that I'm in love with two people.

My wife and I have a great relationship we have been faithful and monogamous - there really isn't any marriage issues so to speak.

I've read some of the posts on this forum, I don't know what I expect from posting this but .....
 
Does your wife know anything about this other woman? If she doesn't, this isn't poly; it's cheating. You have already met this woman, regardless if anything "happened" or not.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
Does your wife know anything about this other woman? If she doesn't, this isn't poly; it's cheating. You have already met this woman, regardless if anything "happened" or not.
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No she doesn't know.

In theory I could have the conversation with her but I don't want to loose her.
 
Stop having an emotional affair on your wife and have the tough conversation.

Or stop with the other woman.
 
appleseed123 said:
No she doesn't know.

In theory I could have the conversation with her but I don't want to loose her.
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How does being dishonest with your wife and hiding something from her help you not lose her? It's likely that eventually she'll find out about this other woman; it's hard to keep something like that a secret forever. Wouldn't it hurt her more, and make her more likely to leave you, if you continue your dishonesty and she finds out about it down the road than if you come clean with her now?
 
So I’m theory you want to keep your wife in the dark and continue to try to get in the pants of your 23 year old online hottie. What’s complicated about the boyfriend because it sounds like she’s also cheating on him? Or does Mr. Complicated know about her meeting up with you. ? If not , aside from losing your wife you might also get a good old ass kicking when he catches her.

So far there isn’t one thing you’ve said that has anything to do with polyamory or any other form of non monogamy other than good old fashioned infidelity.

I guess if you’re looking for a cheering section to tell you you’re do No a great job I don’t think you’ll find it in the majority here
 
Ok. You are in love with two people. And?

What would you like to happen? What's your desired outcome?

Because if this is just chatting with someone you find attractive? It's not actually love? Then don't confuse attraction with love. Chat and leave it there -- platonic chatting. It is possible to be married and still noticed beauty in the world. But perhaps not chat daily and tell wife when you are going out with your friend rather than keeping secrets. Have more balanced living and live openly/honestly.

If this is an emotional affair? You are not talking about platonic topics? You are telling the crush you love them and all that? If that behavior (daily talk, meeting up secretly) is fueling the crush and you want it to go away? Stop engaging in the emotional affair and figure out why you pursued it. What's missing from your life that this fulfills? Presumably they know you are married. Do you wonder why they are ok knowing you are married, but don't care if the wife is kept in the dark? If they don't know you are married... why are you keeping 2 people in the dark? Is that loving behavior toward them?

If you want to talk to wife about your feelings? Talk to wife. Risk sharing mental and emotional intimacy with wife. Isn't that part of the reason to have a spouse? To be able to be close/share things with them?

If it you want to ask wife to consider Open Marriage? Then talk about that.

Figure out what it is you want to have happen and then behave with purpose to try to achieve it. Don't just "float along." That would be my suggestion.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Ok. You are in love with two people. And?

What would you like to happen? What's your desired outcome?

Because if this is just chatting with someone you find attractive? It's not actually love? Then don't confuse attraction with love. Chat and leave it there -- platonic chatting. It is possible to be married and still noticed beauty in the world. But perhaps not chat daily and tell wife when you are going out with your friend rather than keeping secrets. Have more balanced living and live openly/honestly.

If this is an emotional affair? You are not talking about platonic topics? You are telling the crush you love them and all that? If that behavior (daily talk, meeting up secretly) is fueling the crush and you want it to go away? Stop engaging in the emotional affair and figure out why you pursued it. What's missing from your life that this fulfills? Presumably they know you are married. Do you wonder why they are ok knowing you are married, but don't care if the wife is kept in the dark? If they don't know you are married... why are you keeping 2 people in the dark? Is that loving behavior toward them?

If you want to talk to wife about your feelings? Talk to wife. Risk sharing mental and emotional intimacy with wife. Isn't that part of the reason to have a spouse? To be able to be close/share things with them?

If it you want to ask wife to consider Open Marriage? Then talk about that.

Figure out what it is you want to have happen and then behave with purpose to try to achieve it. Don't just "float along." That would be my suggestion.

Galagirl
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Thank you - your comments are helpful.

I love both of them, and yes I've had non-platonic conversations with with her. I agree I should not just "float along" - question is how do I get from floating to something else? maybe "feet on the ground".

I think it needs to start with her and not my wife, I need to make it clearer what I want, expect and how to get there and see if she's on board. Then have the very very tough convo with the wife.
 
Hello appleseed123,

If you want things to go any further with the 23-year-old woman, tell your wife you want an open/poly marriage. Tell your wife you want to pursue things with the 23-year-old. If you decide not to talk to your wife about that, then don't go any further with the 23-year-old. Even if you just want to continue to chat with the 23-year-old, you should at least tell your wife that much. Don't just continue this emotional affair indefinitely. Find an exit strategy.

Such is my advice,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think it needs to start with her and not my wife, I need to make it clearer what I want, expect and how to get there and see if she's on board. Then have the very very tough convo with the wife.
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You *clearly* have *not* read much of the content on this forum yet.
 
I think it needs to start with her and not my wife, I need to make it clearer what I want, expect and how to get there and see if she's on board. Then have the very very tough convo with the wife.
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In the end, you are the one who has to make the decisions for who to talk to first. If you want to talk to potential first, then wife? Go ahead.

Me? I'd go the other way around. Talk to wife first, then potential GF.

Galagirl
 
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appleseed123 said:
I think it needs to start with her and not my wife, I need to make it clearer what I want, expect and how to get there and see if she's on board. Then have the very very tough convo with the wife.
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NO you have the hard conversation with your wife first!
 
appleseed123 said:
I think it needs to start with her and not my wife, I need to make it clearer what I want, expect and how to get there and see if she's on board. Then have the very very tough convo with the wife.
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You should SUPER rethink that order. Cuz this way it sounds like you're trying ti inadvertently get a 2 against 1 thing going against your wife.
 
Appleseed, my view is somewhat different to the rest of the respondents here.

I'd say: IF you're UN-sure if your online friend actually has any romantic or sexual interest towards you, then you might want to establish whether having a relationship with you is even something she WANTS before you open up a can of worms with your wife.

If online girl doesn't want anything more than platonic friendship with you... (i.e. it's mostly infatuation/fantasy on YOUR part)... then broaching the topic of open marriage may only serve to make your wife (rightfully) upset, angry and distrustful of any future interactions you may have with women friends online or elsewhere.

It's possible to let the attraction die down/fade away naturally by ceasing contact with the other woman and refusing to meet with with her, at least until you've sorted your own feelings out about this, read up on polyamory and decided what you REALLY want and need from life (regardless of this new woman's presence).

HOWEVER, you DID mention that - even though you and this new woman friend haven't been intimate (yet) - you two HAVE spoken of non-platonic matters and HAVE met up once, presumably in secret. Therefore it seems like she DOES share your feelings to some degree.

Yet she HAS a boyfriend. Is this woman poly? Is that where you learned the term? Or is she ALSO keeping secrets from her significant other?

This is a slippery slope, and because of this, I would definitely suggest making your wife aware of this person's existence in your life, at least, and that you're developing feelings for her beyond friendship. If you truly haven't been physically intimate with the other woman, reassure your wife about this and do everything you can to assure wife you still love HER and do not want to leave the marriage... while putting some distance between you and the new girl.

Without daily chat/contact, you may well find the excitement of NRE fades and the whole situation doesn't seem so urgent. Think deeply about what you want and need out of life and relationships... and if you honestly foresee a similar situation cropping up with online friends, work colleagues or women friends in the future. Think of your past personal history and read The Ethical Slut, More Than Two or similar works. (Have you ever had crushes on women before, during the time you've been with wife?) If so, you may discover you ARE polyamorous after all. And if so, then your wife deserves to know your feelings so that SHE can also make a choice about whether she wants to continue in a relationship with someone who is not monogamous.
 
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