Poly married to a (mostly) mono

M

MissusHedges

New member
Just looking for some advice, or maybe just to get it off my chest. This might take a bit of backstory, so I apologise in advance for the novel.

I (F33) have been with my wife (also F33) for 14 years now. We got together young, and have been together the whole time. We were both fairly inexperienced sexually when we got together, me more so than her. She was my first. When we were about 24-25, we decided to open the relationship. We are both bisexual, and both wanted to explore the other side a little bit.

We were open for roughly two years, and both had a few different partners, including one we shared. For a quick minute there I even thought I might get the triad I had always dreamed of. It was good until it wasn't. We were young, drama ensued, we closed the relationship. Without getting into too many details, feelings were hurt on all sides, promises were broken on all sides, and what felt like a bit of betrayal happened on all sides.

Since then, we've been in a strictly mono relationship. My wife has expressed since then that she would not want to re-open the relationship.

We've stayed together though a couple unrelated rough patches since then, and I feel that our relationship has never been better. Except... in the bedroom. We both suffer from depression here and there, and have gone several years now with sex being a bi-yearly event.

I have recently gone on some depression meds and I find my libido is back to what it was many years ago, but my wife still finds herself not in the mood, more often than not. I'm really struggling here. I want to remain respectful, and nothing hits more like a cold shower than when the other party is uninterested.

I guess I don't have any specific questions, or maybe the problem is I have too many if I think about it. Have you ever been in a situation like this? Have you ever successfully re-opened a relationship? Is there a way to bring it up that isn't an invitation for divorce? Is it possible to have a poly/mono relationship that doesn't end in hurt feelings?

If you made it this far, cheers for listening, you're a real one. 👊
 
Hello and welcome!

Don't worry about the length of your first post, or any subsequent ones. The only thing that holds us back here is the character limit. I think our members are different from your usual tiktoker or redditor who wants everything in 10 second bites. lol

Anyway, there is much to consider when deciding to open your relationship, whether it's to casual sex only, or full-on multiple love relationships, with the joyful consent of all, which is actually the focus of this forum.

I'd suggest you spend lots of time reading threads here, to get an idea of what all is entailed. You can click on "What's New." You can go to our Golden Nuggets section and find tons of online resources and archived consolidated threads on every poly topic you could think of.


But let's go back to your specific situation-- depression and mismatched libidos. I congratulate you on taking part in therapy and starting a medication that works for you. Are you also doing talk therapy with a counselor?

Good on you for finding a med that doesn't depress your libido more! That happens.

Have you talked with your wife about her seeking treatment for HER depression? Any chance she could get on the right med for her and miraculously have her libido return too??

Now, are you just wanting more sex, or are you actually interested in finding other partners to have full-on relationships with? Triads rarely work. Your experience was very much the norm. Dating separately is the best path. Triads do not prevent jealousy, and can even make it worse. Jealousy is fear-based. This can be worked through, should it arise, should you and wife decide to open.

But maybe work on the issue of her depression and subsequent low libido, with the help of therapy, first. If she's depressed and you get a new gf and go all gaga (new relationship energy is a bitch), it will probably only make her more depressed.

I am not sure if your own therapist is "poly-friendly," but that's probably what you need and should seek.
 
Hello MissusHedges,

I think you should bring it up with your wife, but do so cautiously, something like, "I wish we had more of a sex life. Also, I am thinking I wish we could re-open. Could we talk about that?" You should also talk to her about her depression, about the depression both of you have had. "Is there something we could do to alleviate your depression? Is there any way therapy or medication could help? I have found that medication has helped me, and my libido has returned." The point is, you just need to talk, about the elephants in the room (there are more than one).

Just some initial thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top