Poly-Mono Breakups

TUJ

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To make a long story short, I'm monogamous and was introduced to polyamory this past winter. I was in a very unhappy marriage and I met a married guy who came out to me as poly. He admitted that he had an ulterior motive, which was that he liked me. I liked him too. It wasn't long before we were texting every day and finding opportunities to spend time together. I was swept off my feet and decided that I would try to keep an open mind about the situation. Things moved quickly for us...it was difficult to justify our strong feelings for each other to my best friend. I was surprised that I didn't feel especially triggered or jealous by the situation as long as we kept it a "don't ask, don't tell" situation.

Things between us changed kind of suddenly and I don't know why. He seemed more distant, texting me less often, responding to my texts with a "reaction" or a single emoji. He wasn't initiating hanging out or intimate conversations. He was busy more often than in the beginning of our relationship. I mentioned these observations to him and asked that he frankly tell me if he was losing interest. He denied losing interest, but these behaviors never really improved (or if they did improve, only briefly). He bristled at the idea that he had a hierarchical poly structure to is life, but I noticed that I was frequently being asked to fit into his world. His wife came first. As a default, she had him on weekends and oftentimes during the early evening. Our night time conversations ended, despite me initiating them. Once I entered graduate school our availability rarely matched. I would get an hour here or there. I wondered if his availability changed or if it was his priorities. He recently informed me of several vacations he would be taking. I didn't feel part of his planning, but subjected to it. When we were together, it was still wonderful, but when we were apart, it felt wrong (to me). Maybe I was expecting too much from him. In what little spare time I had, I was always thinking of him. It would be hard if I had to divide that among multiple people.

I have a lot happening in my personal life and this change in behavior just became too confusing and too painful. I told him that I wanted to stop talking for awhile and he agreed to do so. We did say we loved each other and I said I'd miss him. I'm so confused by the evolution of our "relationship." Was he just bathing in NRE in the beginning? Is something that looks like "disinterest" to me his version of deeper intimacy? Did he find someone new not long after me, and his flirty, attentive behavior switched to her? Did he just want to "catch" me and then he lost interest? Is it poly? Is it him? Is it me? I'm devastated by these changes and it makes me very afraid to ever let someone in again. I feel like I just can't trust my own judgment.
 
Hello TUJ,

It seems to me that this man you speak of was deep in NRE with you when the two of you first got together. However, his NRE then died down, and your NRE for him hasn't died down yet, or at least, not until you broke up with him. This isn't necessarily because of polyamory, it's something that can happen in monogamous relationships too. It's a risk you have to take, if you want to let someone into your heart. There's no way to predict whether there will an NRE mismatch, like there was in this situation. You just pick up the pieces, and move on.

Honestly, I think you are better off without this man. He was not being considerate of your feelings, and I don't think he was playing straight with you. You are right, he is hierarchical and just doesn't want to admit it. But like I said, he just lost interest in you. His NRE went away, or at least most of it did. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I totally understand if this experience leaves you feeling bitter, but I still hope you won't give up on love in the future. When you do find love -- real love -- it is worth it.

Kind sympathies,
Kevin T.
 
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Hello TUJ,

It seems to me that this man you speak of was deep in NRE with you when the two of you first got together. However, his NRE then died down, and your NRE for him hasn't died down yet, or at least, not until you broke up with him. This isn't necessarily because of polyamory, it's something that can happen in monogamous relationships too. It's a risk you have to take, if you want to let someone into your heart. There's no way to predict whether there will an NRE mismatch, like there was in this situation. You just pick up the pieces, and move on.

Honestly, I think you are better off without this man. He was not being considerate of your feelings, and I don't think he was playing straight with you. You are right, he is hierarchical and just doesn't want to admit it. But like I said, he just lost interest in you. His NRE went away, or at least most of it did. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I totally understand if this experience leaves you feeling bitter, but I still hope you won't give up on love in the future. When you do find love -- real love -- it is worth it.

Kind sympathies,
Kevin T.
Thank you so much for your kindness and honesty.
 
Sounds like both of you were swept up in NRE to me.

You were in an unhappy marriage and maybe using this for escapism? (Are you still in that unhappy marriage? Did that end?)

It was fun for a while and then discovered the reality check when the pink fluffy lala clouds started to lift.

He's busy with his wife and other obligations, perhaps other partners. And wasn't owning the fact that yeah, he either has a heirarchy model or he doesn't want to be super entangled. Or maybe different expectations of how you each run your lives. Maybe a combo of things.

You are busy with graduate school and discovered you need more time/attention than you were getting in "normal mode."

Neither one has to be bad people -- but this is NORMAL in any kind of dating. NRE is not sustainable. People get all gaga for each other, and eventually have to come back to "normal life down here on earth" and not all "up in the little NRE pink lala clouds" floating along in the sky.

Initial attraction? Doesn't automatically mean initial compatibility. And then initial compatibility? Doesn't automatically mean DEEP compatibility long haul.

I don't think you have to give up on love entirely if this connection fizzled out. People date. Some pan out, some don't. It's a reasonable risk of dating

But you might have to learn to slow your roll and have more realistic expectations like "I'm gonna enjoy this NRE "wheeee!" thing while it lasts, but I'm also not gonna make big ol' plans or promises while NRE drunk. I need to see this relationship in 'normal mode' first. "

If you are new to polyamory, you might have some things to unlearn from monogamy too. Like how to share a hinge's time and attention because you are NOT the only partner.
 
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First of all, if you are in an unhappy marriage, but dating another person without the knowledge and consent of your spouse, you are not doing polyamory. You are just cheating on your marital agreements (unless you two did negotiate an open relationship).

It seems you can't be sure if this guy you were seeing was truly poly. He knows you were cheating. Perhaps he was too! I am not sure how you met him or if you know anything about his marriage and whether it is really open. Personally, most poly people I know do not date people who are cheating on their spouses. That's just not clean.

If he was cheating, maybe his wife found out and he's in trouble. Or maybe he has a whole harem of women he is trying to juggle.

Anyway, I am not judging you. We all live and learn. There was probably no way you could know this.

I've been dating and having poly relationships since 2008 and when I tell you the times I've been ghosted and lied to! I've used dating apps. I've met men who lied and said they were interested in a long-term poly relationship only to have a wife or fiancee who was clueless. Many men will just say whatever to get into your pants once or twice, but they aren't actually mature enough to be able to be an actual bf. They just use their charm (and a bit of money for a nice dinner maybe) to constantly bed different women, then go their merry way.

I am not sure if you're planning to separate formally, or divorce, or open your marriage, but if you do, and become ethically open to dating, you will find 10 guys who will lie and ghost to every 1 who is decent and really wants a nice relationship. And that's being generous. Women get hit on a lot, but there is much more chaff than wheat out there.
 
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