To make a long story short, I'm monogamous and was introduced to polyamory this past winter. I was in a very unhappy marriage and I met a married guy who came out to me as poly. He admitted that he had an ulterior motive, which was that he liked me. I liked him too. It wasn't long before we were texting every day and finding opportunities to spend time together. I was swept off my feet and decided that I would try to keep an open mind about the situation. Things moved quickly for us...it was difficult to justify our strong feelings for each other to my best friend. I was surprised that I didn't feel especially triggered or jealous by the situation as long as we kept it a "don't ask, don't tell" situation.
Things between us changed kind of suddenly and I don't know why. He seemed more distant, texting me less often, responding to my texts with a "reaction" or a single emoji. He wasn't initiating hanging out or intimate conversations. He was busy more often than in the beginning of our relationship. I mentioned these observations to him and asked that he frankly tell me if he was losing interest. He denied losing interest, but these behaviors never really improved (or if they did improve, only briefly). He bristled at the idea that he had a hierarchical poly structure to is life, but I noticed that I was frequently being asked to fit into his world. His wife came first. As a default, she had him on weekends and oftentimes during the early evening. Our night time conversations ended, despite me initiating them. Once I entered graduate school our availability rarely matched. I would get an hour here or there. I wondered if his availability changed or if it was his priorities. He recently informed me of several vacations he would be taking. I didn't feel part of his planning, but subjected to it. When we were together, it was still wonderful, but when we were apart, it felt wrong (to me). Maybe I was expecting too much from him. In what little spare time I had, I was always thinking of him. It would be hard if I had to divide that among multiple people.
I have a lot happening in my personal life and this change in behavior just became too confusing and too painful. I told him that I wanted to stop talking for awhile and he agreed to do so. We did say we loved each other and I said I'd miss him. I'm so confused by the evolution of our "relationship." Was he just bathing in NRE in the beginning? Is something that looks like "disinterest" to me his version of deeper intimacy? Did he find someone new not long after me, and his flirty, attentive behavior switched to her? Did he just want to "catch" me and then he lost interest? Is it poly? Is it him? Is it me? I'm devastated by these changes and it makes me very afraid to ever let someone in again. I feel like I just can't trust my own judgment.
Things between us changed kind of suddenly and I don't know why. He seemed more distant, texting me less often, responding to my texts with a "reaction" or a single emoji. He wasn't initiating hanging out or intimate conversations. He was busy more often than in the beginning of our relationship. I mentioned these observations to him and asked that he frankly tell me if he was losing interest. He denied losing interest, but these behaviors never really improved (or if they did improve, only briefly). He bristled at the idea that he had a hierarchical poly structure to is life, but I noticed that I was frequently being asked to fit into his world. His wife came first. As a default, she had him on weekends and oftentimes during the early evening. Our night time conversations ended, despite me initiating them. Once I entered graduate school our availability rarely matched. I would get an hour here or there. I wondered if his availability changed or if it was his priorities. He recently informed me of several vacations he would be taking. I didn't feel part of his planning, but subjected to it. When we were together, it was still wonderful, but when we were apart, it felt wrong (to me). Maybe I was expecting too much from him. In what little spare time I had, I was always thinking of him. It would be hard if I had to divide that among multiple people.
I have a lot happening in my personal life and this change in behavior just became too confusing and too painful. I told him that I wanted to stop talking for awhile and he agreed to do so. We did say we loved each other and I said I'd miss him. I'm so confused by the evolution of our "relationship." Was he just bathing in NRE in the beginning? Is something that looks like "disinterest" to me his version of deeper intimacy? Did he find someone new not long after me, and his flirty, attentive behavior switched to her? Did he just want to "catch" me and then he lost interest? Is it poly? Is it him? Is it me? I'm devastated by these changes and it makes me very afraid to ever let someone in again. I feel like I just can't trust my own judgment.