Poly on purpose

Well that was fast!

So here I am, single. Some shit just ain't ever gonna work out, and the sooner you move on, the happier you get.

Me? I'm slow.

God damn, but I seem to suck at relationships. I'm in a place where, other then being a good man, a great lay and having an odd sense of humor, I just don't have anything else to offer right now. How someone who's done as much living, loving and laughing as I have over the years finds himself in my current position is pissing me off. Why, you may ask?

Simple. I made the choices that lead me to my current state of affairs. It's hard not to look back and think, "I was so fucking close to having what I thought I always wanted, only to find out it just wasn't who I am."

So now, here I is, pretty happy today, for the most part, but still struggling with the "what-ifs," and the "if only" state of mind.

My cat Charlie doesn't seem to care what my mood is and just loves me anyway. I think it's the belly rubs and tuna I give him every day, but sometimes I wonder if the little bastard isn't just showing off his Yoda-like ability to go with the flow.

I've gone from monogamous, to polyamorous, to monoamorous, to single since this little adventure began. Now I'm taking a break from any and all forms of serious relationships. (I think...)

I needed time to mentally, physically and spiritually heal from my divorce. But instead, I jumped right into another relationship with no less then a tantric sexalogical body worker, who was right in the middle of her own break-up story. A match made in the land of Oz, where no matter what you think, it's gonna end in a bizarre and unforgettable way. I'm trying to close it off with love and kindness, but I'm getting tired of being used as a punching bag for other's choices.

I made a ton of mistakes. The biggest one was not truly looking at my life and allowing my spirit to heal. A 20-year marriage carries a lot of cleaning up to do, to be involved with someone else so soon. 14 months, 6 of bliss, 4 of horror and the rest spent saying goodbye.

The sex was awesome. She really did and does love me. But I'm just too fucking much of an agent of chaos for anyone to love right now. Maybe I always will be.

I'll always love Rain, always. But I'm just the wrong kinda guy for a woman who needs stability and a semblance of order in her life.

I have, however, attended cuddle parties, pujas and other related events, which have helped me see that I'm not really the prick I thought I was. Well, mostly.

I've tried dating and I am so not ready. Polyamory, monoamory, and sex with aliens are just waaaaaay to much of a distraction for me.

On the bright side, I am a fully-qualified EMR, still damn good looking, and not dead... That's gotta count for something... right? 🫤
 
Oops. I asked you to check back in when NRE was over, and you might be feeling less mono, but I didn't mean to imply I wished the relationship would end.

I'm glad you had a rocking six months with Rain, learned a lot about yourself, and got your EMR training too.

So now, are you in a little apartment on your own? Have you found work?

Please try to take your time with everything. You've been through a lot.
 
No job, no apartment

This just gets so weird. My gf Rain, in the time of horror, fucked off to Hawaii with her kids and another man. I was living at her house at the time. She told me to be gone by the time she returned. I ended up moving back in with my ex-wife Tess.

Because I was so centered on fixing, or fixating on the relationship with Rain itself, I missed my best opportunity where I live to go to work, which means that no EMR positions will be available until late fall. So now I'm looking to get a short-term job, and find yet another place to live.

I've used my time back with Tess (who was, at the time, broken up with the guy she left me for) to start the healing process. I've made great strides. I actually have a real plan of what I want and will create in my life.

1) A career I enjoy
2) A home of my own
3) A relationship with someone who actually loves me, as is
4) My motorcycle
5) My tattoos
6) All the good fortune the universe has to give me

I'm a good and decent man. I've got my shit, but so does everyone else. I've done a lot of work cleaning up my life and my act. I'm a very different man than the one who started this journey through Wonderland, and I ain't ever settling for less in a relationship, or from myself, again.

I have no home of my own, and no job. But I do have a dream and hope.

The relationship broke down when Rain realized I wasn't ever going to be a replacement husband. Her husband at the time did pretty much whatever she told him to do, and many of those things I had no interest in doing, now or ever. She needed a houseboy, not a partner. And I'm just way too independent and unpredictable to be used like that. When you add in how unreliable financially I was at the time (i.e., broke), well, you can see how this went bad, and fast. (She did her own work on killing the relationship. But that's her story to tell, not mine.)

Twin souls, both looking for the other. But our journey, at least in this lifetime, is done. We taught each other what we needed to know, and then it was time to move on. Hurt like a bitch, though.

We were both looking to be rescued from unhappy lives, but ended up doing more harm then good. It happens all the time. I just didn't realize how truly fucked-up I was. I'm very sorry for all of the pain I brought into her world, but I celebrate those six incredible months, where we both had the chance to see what a truly loving powerful relationship can be.

So for now, it's getting work and a home that must occupy my time. Everything else is just a distraction.

I love you, Rain. You took me in and did your best. You just had a different path to follow. May your journey be filled with love and wonder.

Freetime
 
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So it goes

I've had two poly relationships. Both proved to be based on deception and hidden motives. Why? Why not just tell the truth? In the first one, my wife wanted to be unmarried. She set up her next partner before giving me the news about what was really going on-- divorce, not polyamory.

In the second one, I found myself being seen as a replacement husband for a broken 13-year marriage.

I had the opportunity to see this type of dishonesty from both perspectives, as the man being replaced, and as the man doing the replacing. Both positions were absolutely abhorrent to me. The dishonesty, the lack of consideration for the consequences of said actions, and pain caused, are and were completely unnecessary.

But that's a moot point. What happened, happened. In both cases, the fear of being alone was the main motivator for how the events came into play the way they did.

Yes, I played my role in this, and I'm accountable for the pain and harm I caused. But I went into both relationships with the understanding it was polyamory. It wasn't.

This is painful to write, as I see just how deep the dishonesty and and lack of care for others actually went. Lying, cheating, breaking agreements, and using another human being in this way is beyond me. I wouldn't do it then, won't do it ever.

But it has taught me to look closely at the person I'm in front of now and take my time to see what the fuck is really going on. I learned, not once but twice now, that the term polyamory can be used as cover for other things, such as described above.

If and when I choose to get into another poly relationship, I'll be damn sure to give it time, and to observe closely how the current relationships are working.

Painful life lessons over the last 24 months. But ones I won't forget.

I've forgiven both partners, as I have no room for hate or resentment in my heart. They did love me. That's true enough, just not enough to be honest or open about what was really happening. We all paid a steep price for those lies, theirs and my own.

So kids, want to give poly a try? Think this will save your marriage, make your life easier? Think again. True polyamory is based on love and trust. You'd better have a strong foundation for your current relationship before you even consider poly.
 
Freetime said:
If and when I choose to get into another poly relationship, I'll be damn sure to give it time, and to observe closely how the current relationships are working.
Click to expand...

Good realization! Very likely you will see the red flags of impending explosions before the others will. (I hope.)
 
Thinking this will save your marriage, make your life easier? Think again. True poly is based on love and trust. You'd better have a strong foundation...
Click to expand...

This!
 
As it goes

.After I moved in with Rain, I told myself I was rebuilding and growing. Neither proved true. What I was doing was hiding and running as fast as I could from a lifetime of pain. Relationships are a great place to hide in for a little while. But eventually you have to deal with what brought or got you there in the first place. I didn't. And neither did Rain. So when her husband said he was moving out, and I still had no job, wouldn't behave like I was supposed to, it all went to hell.

I still love Rain. That woman has so much on her plate right now to deal with, and the best we could do just wasn't enough. God damn it. I miss her.
 
This cant't be and isn't about blame. Love is love. Rain needs time and space to heal, a small thing to grant another human being who's in a world of hurt.

I'll be all right. After all, I have you folks to love me when I'm hurting. I'm a pretty lucky guy, I'd say.
 
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