Poly or low swlf esteem

[Violet77]

Thank you! That's what I think

Amd I'm disgusted by the gender stereotype as well

 

[Violet77]

Why is he on probation? This could be a huge red flag and there are more than a few of those already.

He had a mental health breakdown amd wouldn't listen to the cops when they were arresting him

 

[Violet77]

Thank you for more info.

I didn't see if you answered -- is this still Marcus from before? Or a different dude? If Marcus... when he broke up with you in May, did you date other people? How long was it before you got back together again? Are you comfortable being on your own?

I could be wrong. But some of the things you list about him also seem to apply to you. Like...

• He struggles to let go of his exes and wants to help them with their emotional issues/fix them

And it kinda sounds like you are coming to poly like each poly partner would be a puzzle piece? Like this one is not honest, but this one is? This one is not fun, but this one is? This one is not affectionate but this one is?

Rather than expecting ALL of them to be at a certain basic level of honest, fun, affectionate, etc?

I don't think one has extra poly poly partners to make up for the flaws in the first one, or to be like a "patch" or bandaid." Each person is a whole person, a whole partner. And it either works out with that partner or it doesn't.

Galagirl

And yes, I struggle to let go of my exes and want to fix/help them, maybe that's why it's so engaging to be around him and he doesn't even see it himself. Maybe that's what triggers anger alot, when you see yourself in someone.
Also I wanted to say he has women around for when he his main partner starts to expect any kind of compromise or sacrifice and loves him, he can easily leave because he has other women to boost his ego. He is avoidant. One of his exes tells him that no one should have to sacrifice anything for a relationship.

 

[GalaGirl]

So you don't see Marcus as a whole partner for you. Yet you still want him to eventually be your primary partner?

And yes, I struggle to let go of my exes and want to fix/help them, maybe that's why it's so engaging to be around him and he doesn't even see it himself. Maybe that's what triggers anger alot, when you see yourself in someone.

So you get mad because you see the same thing in him as in you -- hanging on to exes trying to fix them?

If you like being a helper, maybe putting those energies elsewhere would be more fruitful and you don't have to get mad? Like volunteering to help causes you like?

Also I wanted to say he has women around for when he his main partner starts to expect any kind of compromise or sacrifice and loves him, he can easily leave because he has other women to boost his ego. He is avoidant.

Is he your main partner now? And that's also why you get mad? That you make him your main person and eventually want him to agree to be primary partners, and he doesn't want that kind of commitment? So he's here, but with one foot out the door already?

He has women around for when you start to expect any kind of compromise or sacrifice or love him, he can easily leave?

One of his exes tells him that no one should have to sacrifice anything for a relationship.

I happen to agree. I think love could be shared. It doesn't have to be "proven" with "sacrifices." Esp. not sacrificing one's own well being.

Can't really suggest much other than to do your soul searching. If you do most of the giving in this relationship, and don't get much back that you find worthwhile? He's basically just adding you to the "collection of hangers on" to bolster himself and his esteem?

It's ok to stop participating here.

Galagirl

 

[Violet77]

So you don't see Marcus as a whole partner for you. Yet you still want him to eventually be your primary partner?




So you get mad because you see the same thing in him as in you -- hanging on to exes trying to fix them?

If you like being a helper, maybe putting those energies elsewhere would be more fruitful and you don't have to get mad? Like volunteering to help causes you like?



Is he your main partner now? And that's also why you get mad? That you make him your main person and eventually want him to agree to be primary partners, and he doesn't want that kind of commitment? So he's here, but with one foot out the door already?

He has women around for when you start to expect any kind of compromise or sacrifice or love him, he can easily leave?



I happen to agree. I think love could be shared. It doesn't have to be "proven" with "sacrifices." Esp. not sacrificing one's own well being.

Can't really suggest much other than to do your soul searching. If you do most of the giving in this relationship, and don't get much back that you find worthwhile? He's basically just adding you to the "collection of hangers on" to bolster himself and his esteem?

It's ok to stop participating here.

Galagirl

Yea, you shouldn't sacrifice well being but you will have to make compromises for a good relationship. I guess he couldn't be my primary partner unless he changes alot which he hasn't and won't.
I think I'm mad at the things I see in him that I don't like about myself. Like hanging on and keeping emotional attachment.
Yes, trying work unionizing work places. Yes I'm his main partner, technically and yes he has one foot out the door, but itsa pattern I think he always does. And yes, now he wants to keep me as one of the people he can run to when his next person starts to feel close and ask for compromise. Thanks for talking. Are you saying I am sacrificing my own well being?

 

[GalaGirl]

Yea, you shouldn't sacrifice well being but you will have to make compromises for a good relationship. I guess he couldn't be my primary partner unless he changes alot which he hasn't and won't.

Could no longer expect a long term thing here then.

I think I'm mad at the things I see in him that I don't like about myself. Like hanging on and keeping emotional attachment.
Yes, trying work unionizing work places. Yes I'm his main partner, technically and yes he has one foot out the door, but itsa pattern I think he always does. And yes, now he wants to keep me as one of the people he can run to when his next person starts to feel close and ask for compromise.

Could say "No, thanks" and opt out of that job.

Thanks for talking. Are you saying I am sacrificing my own well being?

Most welcome.

I'm saying you have to figure out what you want from this connection and if it is still worthwhile to you. I could be wrong, but you don't seem clear or firm on that.

Like he broke up with you, but you took him back because he's comfortable and because you don't feel like dating new people right now in pandemic. Which to me implies an ex that you allowed return as a short term FWB. And eventually you are going to let it go and move on to other people. Is that true?

But then you want him to become your primary partner even though he doesn't want that and won't promise that to anyone. Are you able to accept that you won't get that here?

So... I think you could do your soul searching and reflect. What DO you want here from him?

A short term casual thing? If so... do you need stronger personal boundaries and changes in your behavior/expectations to KEEP this more light and casual so you aren't getting frustrated or mad?

• Like no longer trying to "fix" him?
• Not talking about his other partners?
• Not doing extra emotional labor or being his "escape" when he wants to run from one of his other connections that wants more commitments?
• Not making him your main/only focus and getting out to date other people?
• Setting the date for when to part ways?

Or do you want let it go now and not bother with the FWB thing because it is taking up too much time and energy? Causing more frustration than it is worth?

You are the only one who can answer that kind of thing.

I know you said you have trouble letting go of exes... but you seem to have trouble with him too. You don't like a lot of what he does.

So if being with him is troublesome and being without him is troublesome?

Could pick which is the least amount of work.

Galagirl