poly or swinging

Cuninglingwist, OUCH! DUDE, punctuation. Learn it, use it. I tried to read that "paragraph" three times and couldn't make it through once.

I thought this thread would stay dead and buried, and that the topic was something the community in general had outgrown. Interesting that this thread should be brought back to life now, just as I'm proven wrong about the community in general by a fresh 'outbreak' of poly vs. swinger bitching breaking out in the community here in Vegas.

I think that labels are for the newbies and the insecure. Not just with poly, but everywhere. The more familiar you get with a situation, a group of people, and way of life, ANYTHING, the less "necessary" you find labels to be. As it applies here, I think the poly and swinger labels fall into disuse the longer you're involved with either and/or both communities and get your head wrapped around the concept that no two relationship constructs are alike, even in the mono world!
 
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I'm neither. I identify with open relationships. I`ve heard a couple of times that open relationships are too general a category. But, I feel that`s because people want to force me to pick and choose between casual sex and relationships. I refuse to make such a choice. Casual sex is absolutely essential and massive to me, as is having multiple stable relationships.

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The thing I identify with in polyamory is the fact that it is simpatico to bisexuality. But, the whole 'spiritual,' New-Agey thing is a turn off to me.

Politically, I identify more with swingers. I think they are further to the right (a welcome counterpoint to polyamorous PC), and I can relate to their sense of privacy. I feel no need to introduce everyone to my multiple partners, and parade them around.

What turns me off swingers is, as mentioned in this thread, their homophobia, and furthermore, the gender roles... putting women on pedestals (although polys do that too) and the scorn for male sexuality.

It`s funny how polys and swingers put women on pedestals in different ways: the first from a feminist stance; the latter from a chivalrous, patriarchal point of departure. And, indeed, feminism and chivalry have always been strange bedfellows.

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What turns me off both swingers and polyamory is the fact that both are based on marriage. Which I find to be superfluous symbolism, religious residue, and a false sense of comfort.

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Is there anything shocking to me about group anonymous sex?? Puh-lease.
 
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InHateOF said:
And still the best way to raise children, don't you think?
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If you`re asking my opinion, all good things arising from relationships come from great communication skills, reciprocity, and solid agreements. Wedding rings, dresses, cakes, guest lists, public kissing, priests, bouquets, and documents that can be voided as quickly as they are signed have zero to do with it.

If by marriage you mean cohabitation, you`d have a little more of an argument. Although, even that`s highly debatable. If we were to say that cohabitation is the best way to raise children, we may as well concede that monogamy is too.

More importantly, children are not essential to any relationship. It is not automatic. It is not tantamount to having a stable relationship. It`s a separate decision altogether.
 
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LovingRadiance said:
For me, swinging just isn't my form of "comfortable and safe." I need to REALLY REALLY know someone before I can get comfortable enough to sleep with them. That deep, permanent, emotional connection is a requirement for me.
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Same here. I did not like swinging at all, in the traditional sense. It was all too impersonal to me, and although I was very comfortable with an ongoing friendship, it was very hard to find a partner who was equally comfortable with 'dating' me but who also realized that we were not going to move in together, get married, etc. These guys just wanted to get as much action as they could, which isn't about polyamory at all, it's just about the sex. Not all, but most people on adult meeting sites are just looking for the sexual aspect. I felt that, as a polyamourous individual, I was regarded as a freak, asking too much of someone, and was continually hounded to just live it up and have fun.' I can't. I want to care about the person I'm having sex with, hang out a little.

My husband's BF has gone on trips with our family (the kids see him as just dad's friend), spent holidays with us, etc. He has another good local friend (BF is long distance) that finally agreed to meet me after knowing hubby for years. What took so long? I guess most are expecting a partner who is going to be bitter and jealous. He saw that I wasn't any of those. He accepted his place as a 'secondary' significant other.
 
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swing or poly

If you go to swinglifestyles.com and look around you will see it varies a lot. Some want to be friends in and out of bed, to be close friends or polyamorous, but they don't know where to find that. Some are looking for quick sex, not a relationship or with strings attached. For us, poly is what we have been looking for. We kind of have a triad going, MMF, and we all enjoy it.
 
Been there...

In the past I have been in the swingers lifestyle. It was something that was fun. satisfying for the moment. It was never about random sex. I think in five years of being in the lifestyle, we only had two one-night stands. We'd go out with the same couples for dinner and sex in an anonymous hotel. Usually, my partner and I would experience a sense of closeness afterward and enjoyed talking about how we were feeling, physically and emotionally. However, all this took place outside of the world we lived in. We would go out to eat at places where no one would know us.

We are now exploring poly as an option, because we want that closeness to extend to our partner(s), and to be able to have a life within a community where this is not taboo.
 
poly

some people who enjoy the closness of other people in their life that dont have much baggage realy enjoy poly and the excitment of sharing and doing things together.

some people enjoy the madness of all the baggage and problems with kids and create more problems to the point their lives are so chaotic and toxic to the point they become in time accepting and masochistic to this way of life.

A couple with kids will tell a female she is part of the couple to share each other, then she realizes she is really their house slave, others will crave to be their house slave.

Other people act like they are pure polly and feel they are above all others that call themselves polly and are very closed minded. like many lesbians that call them selves pure lesbian and above all other lesbians that have actually had sex with a man at some time in their past, and are more closed minded than strait closedminded bible beaters.

some females do not like being second in a poly relationship, and compete for the man, others who are submissive and bif are happy to submit to both.

I think its importand to know what roll you want in a relationship, getting with the wrong people can end up a nightmare,

I think people get out of poly what they want to get out of it, but there is no one set standard, each group is different.
 
We are new to the forum, so please forgive errors.

We are a FMF triad, where the married couple did swinging since marriage. Not that kind of obsessive behaviour non-swingers often think it is, but a place where sex is considered play, you have a good meal, a happy evening, and no more.

Our emotional relationship is based on love and understanding. Sex is just a nice activity.

As swinging is based on reciprocal trust, and needs jealousy to be removed from the beginning, we were well trained when our third love came along.

We did NOT meet in the swinger scene, but at normal social events. Our him and the new her became sexual. Beforehand, as it is done in swinging, he asked the ok from the original she first up. Then we talked it all over, found out that She A was in love with She B after a short time. They got sexual too and liked each other. She A is bisexual.

We believe that swinging helped us to enter the new love without jealousy and the usual fear of being left alone. She B is very hot and loves sex, but was never in swinging. She now has had some experiences with the original two, and liked it. We will go on with this all three, when the occasion arises. Hope it works also in the future. For us it worked.

Certainly, everybody has their own story.

We feel swinging is sex, and poly is love. Two different things. Can overlap, but are not to be confused with each other. Actually, we did not look for poly, we just stepped into it when M came into our life. Fortunately, she has no problems with sex and swinging, so we see it as one problem less in a poly situation, that has many other problems that need to be worked out.
 
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I see what you're saying, swinging can help diminish the amount of jealousy before you try polyamory. Makes sense, might not work every time but certainly can work some of the time.
 
Your experience is laudable, but swinging is NOT in any way a cure-all fix for jealousy.

Swinging often explicitly includes emotional distancing (no "love feelings" allowed), prohibitions on any contact (including sociable & public) outside the date/party, & a degree of anonymity.

We see plenty of people show up here with major problems in the transition from "fun times" to "relationship."
 
For sure, nothing works for everybody. Each person is in a world of their own. But swinging is a very large and multiform world. You are right, the basics, especially at the start, are no social involvement. Ok. We generally are very strict on this, to avoid problems. One can never know. But at least here in Italy, many couples get social after some time, developed a nice friendship with some, too.

But one thing is correct: swinging is fun, playing. Poly is commitment and love. Two different things. Can live together in the same way as swinging and mono.

What I just want to say, as was said by kdt26417: in some special cases it may help to address the problem of jealousy.
 
@ CGM ... and it worked in at least one case: yours.
 
Yes, for now. We are working on it, as I said. We are together one year now and only future will tell. Things like how to manage practical life, how to relate to others and so on are now a big priority, also because none of us has any experience. For example, how to explain that on the holiday pictures we are always together. Very simple, but a problem.
 
Yeah, I can see how that would be challenging.
 
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