Poly question--sex life

M

Morgaine

New member
Hi all,

New here, but not new to poly/ENM. I've been dating non-monogamously for 7 years and am currently in a 3.5 year primary relationship.

My question is how to navigate his much lower sex drive with me-- now that we live together, his drive to have sex with new people has not abated in the least. I very much desire sex with my primary, and feel connected through that, and also like having sex with others. It has gotten to the point that he cannot finish with me, but will finish with new people. That has been and is very painful for me to hold.

Yes, we've tried sex therapy, I'm in therapy myself. Addiction is also a part of his story, so there's that factor.

I am his longest relationship in 15 years, and our sex life at the beginning was very hot and kinky, but then began to abate about 1 year in, which normal, NRE worn off. But maintaining sexual connection is very important to me, and doesn't feel as important to him, because he'd rather be with new people than me. But he loves me. It's so confusing.

Has anyone else struggled with this as the partner, or even someone who has this experience? I want to understand, and am trying to figure out if I can stay in this relationship with this sexual piece being such a intense struggle. Thanks so much!
 
First of all, since you just mention a sexual problem, this isn't about polyamory, at least on the surface. He loves you, but not others? He just wants sex with multiple partners?

You mention an addiction. Is that to a substance, or is he a so-called "sex addict"? Is he locked into only being able to get aroused by the novelty of someone new? Sometimes we call people like this NRE junkies.

I'm sorry the sex has dwindled between you two. Mismatched libidos can be a problem in any relationship, mono or poly, kinky or vanilla. One of my partners has a much lower drive than mine, mainly for physical health reasons, but she also has ADHD. Our bond is very strong otherwise, so I have no desire to break up. However, as a person with a perhaps higher than normal sex drive, I feel our bond is stronger after we do have our occasional sex. However, I've just come to accept this. Unlike your partner, Pixi is not off having sex with others instead of with me, and she does orgasm when we have sex.

One way I've dealt with it is to find another partner who does have a libido that matches mine, so that I'm not climbing the walls.

I hope your partner gets his addiction under control. Dating someone with an untreated illness is hard and frustrating.
 
Hello Morgaine,

It sounds like your primary is letting his NRE guide his sex drive. As long as someone is new, he is turned on by them. But as soon as their newness wears off, his NRE goes away, and he loses interest in them. Unfortunately you are finding yourself in that last category.

I'll assume that there'll always be someone new for him, someone who will "steal his attention" from you. In that case, you'll have to decide whether you'll want to live with this situation for the rest of your life -- or if you'd rather have a discussion with him about it.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Actually, I don't think it's normal that your sex life already dwindled at only 1 year in.

But I think the problem is your partner, not you. Does he normally never have relationships that last very long?

It sounds like your partner likes newness, variety, kink, and maybe excessive stimulation.

The sex between you two worked when it was new for him, and therefore stimulating enough for him. Is there any way to recreate that feeling of "newness"? Like a new kink dynamic to explore?

But even that would only last as long as the new kink was "new enough" for him.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I'm not sure what to advise you, since you've already tried sex therapy.

It sounds like maybe he has accepted this about himself--that he just needs "newness" to be sexually satisfied so he will always have to be seeking new short-term flings. But with you he also found enduring love, so he is happy emotionally with you.

You don't need to stay with him just because he loves you. It's okay to not want to spend your life with someone who isn't super interested in having sex with you.

Or, alternately, you can decide that non-monogamy is an effective solution to his lack of a sex of drive with you, because you can have other partners of your own. You can accept that this is how he is and that your connection with him is not very sexual and that's okay.

But I, personally, would not be okay with having a nesting partner who has a low libido with me but a high drive with others. I could accept a partner with a lower libido than me in general, but it would be too painful for me if he weren't interested in me sexually but were interested in others. Sexual connections are important to me.
 
It's not normal just because NRE fades. To me, he doesn't see you as a romantic/sexual partner, more like a teammate or family member. I think that happens to people when they find partners who are useful and convenient, but don't invoke passion or lust.

I find a lot of men actually don't expect to find that within a core, long term relationship anyway. They think women who both involve those feelings over the long term and are compatible as life partners are as rare as unicorns. So they kind of expect a "homely" life with the wife and any sort of passion to come from other sources (or not at all). This is where polyamory has its place for a lot of men. They have the comfort of a "homely" wife and the passion of a summer fling all in one.
 
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