Poly V, marriage, metamour incompatibility

M

MaryH

New member
I am a monoamorous woman who has been in a relationship with another woman, Sophia, for three years. We’ve been living together for two years.

I know I am Sophia’s true emotional and spiritual soul-mate, so I am very secure in my relationship with her. Sophia has had a couple of BFs in the time we’ve been together. That had never really bothered me, until now.

She has been seeing her current BF, Joshua, for a little over a year. In that time, the three of us have spent a lot of time together. I have always felt, when the three of us were together, that I was an outsider. This has never really been a problem, as it was only part-time, and it wasn’t a strong enough feeling to really be an issue. Also, I felt as though it was partially because I live with Sophia, and have access to her 24/7, so Josh saw our time together as a threesome as his time with Sophia.

But now Soph wants us both to marry her, and all three of us to live together! I don’t know if I can. I’ve had this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach since getting caught up in the moment and saying yes.

At the time, the three of us were traveling together, and we both were around Soph 24/7, so to speak, and I still felt like an outsider. Josh seemed to always be cutting me off from Soph physically, always sitting between us, or not leaving enough space on the couch for me. We were also constantly butting heads, disagreeing on everything.

I’ve talked to Soph about my feeling as though I didn’t belong, but I don’t feel as though I can talk to Josh, even when Soph is there. There is just too much conflict between Josh and me. We seem to butt heads whenever we are together. Even a light-hearted, happy discussion of ideas for our commitment ceremony ended up with Josh and me butting heads in less than five minutes!

I know many of you will say I need to discuss this with Soph and Josh,, but with the way he and I butt heads, I want to be really, really sure this isn’t just some form of jealousy, and hence be something that I could work through with help, because Soph is totally worth it.

I also know that if I were to ask, and though it would hurt her, Soph would leave Josh before I made those kind of waves.

So... how can I figure out if this is jealousy or something else? Is there some kind of mental checklist I could work through?

Is it possible that even though we both love the same person very deeply and are loved by that same person in return, that Josh and I are just not compatible, even as friends (and possible housemates in the future)?

Is there a way to find this out before we commit to this relationship and move in together, so that it doesn’t end in an emotional explosion that destroys all three of us?
 
How was it before you agreed to a commitment ceremony? Did you butt heads then? Would you be okay with them committing and you all NOT moving in together for awhile longer, if ever?

I think if there is something not sitting well, it would be best to get on it and stop the process of carrying out a ceremony that you are not feeling comfortable with. That doesn't sound like jealousy to me. It just sounds like you don't want that. So say so! It doesn't mean you have to say that you will never want that. You don't want it right now. You are not ready.

Hopefully they will respect that, and give you the time you need to see if it's the situation you are in, or the ceremony and moving in that are causing you to feel like you do.
 
Thank you, redpepper. You have given me some more to think about and some avenues to explore.

Even before Soph asked Josh and me to marry her, I felt out of place when the three of us spent time together. I never had issues with her being with him when I wasn't around. In fact, I actually quite enjoyed the quiet weekends at home when they went away together. When Soph asked us to marry her, it was a kind of spur of the moment thing brought on by a wedding we attended, candlelight, and a few glasses of wine, and my answer was very much the same.

I know in my heart that I am fully ready to commit to Soph for eternity. It's the idea of living with Josh that worries me. On some level, I feel as though Josh and I have never really clicked.

Now, as it is after 3 am, coherent thoughts are becoming harder to come by. I will mull this over while I sleep.
 
It sounds to me like you love Sophia, she loves Josh and you, but you and Josh do not get along.

Josh is your metamour. Metamours do not need to get along, like each other, love each other... much less live together! They only need to respect each other, be polite, and share their common lover in a mature generous fashion.

I'd never hold someone to a "decision" they made while under the influence of alcohol!

My recommendation is, Sophia should see you and Josh separately. Sure, you (singular you) could marry her (legally or not, depending on your state's laws), live with her, love her. And then, Sophia can commit in whatever way she wants with Josh. For example, it might be a good idea for her to have "two homes," and travel back and forth between the one you two share, and the one she shares with Josh.

Don't even hang around with them on their dates if it makes you miserable. Let her see him separately.

There is a possibility Josh is a "cowboy," and is trying to wedge himself in between you (since you said you feel like a third wheel when all three of you are together), and cut you out of her life. Make sure Sophia knows your fears around that.
 
Thank you all for just being here. Being able to put this out there, get some feedback, and just coalesce my thoughts and feelings has been exceptionally helpful.

Forgive me as I toss another thought out there. There is, amongst our circle of friends, a highly compatible quad family. They make it look so easy and effortless that I wonder if it has given us an unnatural expectation that if Josh and I both love Sophia, and Soph loves both Josh and me, that then we should be able to function together as a unit.

As I read the other posts here and on other sites, it seems that these friends of ours may be the exception, rather than the rule, and that I should not feel that we have failed in our relationship because we are unable to live by the same model.

Feel free to give me feedback on this. It does seem to help.

I have a lunch date this week with another polyamorous friend of ours, who has spent a lot of time with the three of us, together and separately. I hope to pick her brain a bit. After that, I think that Soph, Josh and I I need to sit down and talk.

Just posting here has definitely helped me figure out exactly which part of Soph’s dream of our future was causing the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, as well as helped me articulate my feelings in a not-so-overly emotional way. That will go a long way towards making any conversation about our future together easier. :)
 
I wonder if it's hurtful that you've been with Sophia for three years, and it's only now, after one year with Josh, that she asks you for a life commitment, and only in the context of also asking him for the same. That sort of commitment is a BIG deal. It seems premature for her to be seeking that from a partner she's never lived with. Shouldn't there be a trial period first?

Also, would they be the ones getting "legally" married?

And yes, be very clear on this -- you have NOT failed just because you and Josh don't get along. You're not in a relationship with him. There's nothing whatsoever that says you should have chemistry with him. If you don't feel you can even talk to him, there's absolutely no way you should be considering living together at this point. At least tell Sophia that you feel he butts in between the two of you, and isolates you, when the three of you are together. Maybe she can talk to him about it if you can't. She could at least be sure to keep an eye out for it, and actively bring you back in when he does that.

As for working through jealousy, try the resources at www.morethantwo.com. It definitely can't hurt to brush up on things that might be triggering you, but I don't think this is just a case of baseless jealousy.
 
Jealousy- there are lots of threads on jealousy here if you do a tag search for this. It's a hot topic. There have been many that have gone before. You can find the tags in the search engine on your tool bar above.
 
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