Poly Vee looking for counseling in NYC area

D

DoseInvictus

New member
Dear Polyamory Denizens,

Content Warning: Feelings of abandonment or hurt, polyamorous vees, cohabitation.

Hi there! We are a polyamorous vee who are cohabitating. Hinge has been with one of the legs for 12 years and is married to her. Hinge has been seeing other leg for almost 1 year and has been cohabing for ~1 month.

That leg is now feeling feelings of hurt and abandonment or something along those lines if hinge has a date with other leg.

We are hoping there are counselors in the NYC area with experience in handling polyamorous clients. We've reached out to a few...one had stopped taking new clients, another wanted to charge something like $300 a session and was out of network so we couldn't afford that.

We have Oxford Liberty. If anyone knows of a counselor or mediator or relationship coach who would be in that network, you would be helping out tremendously.


Additionally, if anyone has resources and guides on how to build a better, stronger Vee, we are all ears (or eyes, as it were). Two of us very much experience compersion. Third is struggling with that and I don't want to end up making them feel like third wheel or second potatoes. I'm desperate to find something to lift their spirits and make them feel included, valued, appreciated, and adored. God I love them. <3333

Help!
 
DoseInvictus said:
....I don't want to end up making them feel like third wheel or second potatoes. I'm desperate to find something to lift their spirits and make them feel included, valued, appreciated, and adored.
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Why isn't that person here? This is a great place to get a fresh perspective.

As for you, if you are desperate to make someone feel anything, you have some work to do on yourself. What's up with the desperation to make this all happen? You've been living together for under a month, but how long have you been involved with the newer partner?
 
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They were sitting next to me while I typed and I read it to them to ensure they agreed with the wording. Thank you for checking on them.

Anybody know of some counselors who could help?
 
DoseInvictus said:
They were sitting next to me while I typed and I read it to them to ensure they agreed with the wording. Thank you for checking on them.
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I wasn't checking on feelings or consent, I was wondering why that person isn't posting here, since that seems to be the person who is struggling.
 
I agree with Angelina that this is weird. If you find a counsellor, are you going to sit there and talk for your other partner there, too?

A person who is struggling needs to find their own resources and solutions that work for them. Not to mention you aren't helping them develop coping skills by trying to find a solution and handing it off to them. There's no shortcut to doing the work themselves.
 
I want to make the precursory caveat that I am not singling either of the respondents out here and I am specifically trying to avoid continuing to engage with this line of inquest. I don't want to have an argument over the merits of who is posting. I am not trying to speak "on behalf" of anyone. And I do not have an obligation to indicate how or with whom I will attend counseling.

We are simply three fellow poly folks experiencing distress and seeking a counselor who will be familiar enough with polyamory that they will actually seek to help us rather than lecture us or moralize to us about monogamy. I am certain that most here who have been open about their lifestyle with people who aren't hip with polyamory will understand the kind of verbal pecking and cutting down that often ensues. I don't want to spend the first 5 sessions of therapy defending our lifestyle decision. I am frankly shocked and dismayed that I am having to defend ourselves to a group of folks on the polyamory forum.

I understand that there are many unicorn hunters, swingers, and self-centered folks claiming to be polyamorous and abusing their partners in the process. That is not what is going on here. Both of the other partners are welcome to post here. I felt that since I am the hinge, the onus of the problem fell to me to address. I feel that if I pulled the attitude of "Well, you're the one having the bad feelings, YOU sort it out by posting yourself and asking for counselors in the area" that would be patently shitty behavior on my part. So I am not trying to crowd my wonderful partner out from having vox or agency. Rather, I am simply attempting to find a counselor or counselors in the New York City metro area that would be able to assist us with a specific problem within the context of a polyamorous relationship.


Also, I said in my initial message I've been seeing this person for just under a year. So if you are going to not even read the whole message then cherrypick something to dunk on me for, that's some horse crap if ever I smelt some. Ug. I just want a referral to a counselor, not the Spanish Inqusition.
 
Hello DoseInvictus,
Here are some resources for finding poly-friendly counselors/therapists:

If you can't find a poly-familiar therapist, but can find an open-minded therapist, ask them to read, "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," a 36-page booklet by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.

Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi DoseInvictus,

If you're the hinge, why not just say so? Instead of speaking for all 3 of you and saying "we" and speaking of "a hinge" and "2 legs."

I'm not telling you what to do, but our usual advice goes to a specific person, not a borg of 2 or 3. Living with both of your lovers can be hard. Not everyone is cut out to be a great roommate. Add in sex and envy and competition and you're gonna have trouble.

So, you're in a V. You're the hinge. Your long term partner (edit: legal spouse) is fine, you're fine. Your newer partner just moved into YOUR shared home with your established spouse. I don't wonder she is still getting used to being in someone else's shared home, and feeling wonky and "abandoned" when her partner goes out with his much more established partner, I mean spouse.

Did she used to feel abandoned when you'd visit her at her place and then leave to go back to your own place? Is there something about being in your established home that bothers her? Does she have her own room? Can she decorate your home as if it was hers? Has she put her own furniture and pictures etc., around the place, in the kitchen and living room, or does she just feel like a guest, looking around at someone else's decorations and comforts which are not of her choosing?

Does she feel entirely 100% welcome as a full partner at your house? Is there conflict between her and your spouse? Was everything better before she moved in? Is there a chance she will feel more comfortable or are things getting worse? Should she move back into her own place?

Is there a problem of status because you are married to someone else but can't marry her legally? Does she feel safe and secure? Are there legal protections for her in place that would happen automatically with a spouse?

Books (which you should have read before moving her in, but oh well, better late than never):

More Than Two
Opening Up
Also google the "secondary's bill of rights".

Don't expect to find counselors super experienced in polyamory. The books will inform YOU in case YOU have to educate a counselor about the rudiments of successful polyamory.
 
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DoseInvictus said:
I'm desperate to find something to lift their spirits and make them feel included, valued, appreciated, and adored.
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No inquisition, just pointing out that desperation to make someone feel better almost always signals that there are deeper issues other than mere concern for another's well being. We get this a lot here. As Mags says, we usually have discussions directly with the person about whatever that person is experiencing because trying to fix things for someone else doesn't work. It really is telling that your partner was sitting right next to you silently as you told us you are desperate to make that person feel better. If you feel persecuted and not appreciative of the experienced members of this community, then maybe stick to Kevin's list of therapists and hopefully you will happen upon one that remains within the bounds of your specific questions and doesn't point out any other difficult issues with which you might take umbrage.

The thing about advice is that if it's in keeping with your views, it's the most remarkable insight in the world. If it's not what you want to hear and provokes your defenses, it's insensitive criticism. Like you and your loved ones are not a borg, so we are also not a unit. We are individuals. Take what is helpful and leave what is not - but pay attention to what riles you. Things never upset us for no reason.
 
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