Poly where wife and I would not be principal partners

[icesong]

I'm asking for details of actual examples of long term success stories. Are there arrangements that have included kids, a matrimonial home, co-parents who are also spouses still romantically involved - but poly?

Could someone give Examples? details?
Is this general category rare? Problematic?
How many years have they managed?
Ages of kids?
Etc.

Am I dreaming an unlikely dream?

The example I have is my own life. I mean, you can read my blog, but Knight and I have been together for 21 years, and married for 16ish of that. We have a seven-year old, shared home, merged finances, all the usual trappings. We also date other people: my other partner, Artist, and I have been together for almost 4 years now; Knight and Joan something like 3.5; there were other relationships for a few years before that; and except for a couple-year period of monogamy while I was pregnant, while MiniMe was about 1.5, we've never really been mono, per se.

 

[Vicki82]

Maybe it's just me, but I would view my spouse wanting to live separately from me as tantamount to ending the relationship. I am not solo poly by any stretch of the imagination. I know others do things differently, though.

We're married and have a child, and still manage with a shared home. I wouldn't call us long term, though.

 

[Magdlyn]

Maybe it's just me, but I would view my spouse wanting to live separately from me as tantamount to ending the relationship. I am not solo poly by any stretch of the imagination. I know others do things differently, though.

We're married and have a child, and still manage with a shared home. I wouldn't call us long term, though.

Do you know that some mono couples do live apart? Either part time because of jobs or military, or full time out of choice? I've spoken to women who say they couldn't get along with their husband sharing a home, but once they got separate residences close-by (like on the same street) their relationships improved greatly.

Many couples do not share a bedroom, but they don't even admit this.

 

[Vicki82]

Do you know that some mono couples do live apart? Either part time because of jobs or military, or full time out of choice? I've spoken to women who say they couldn't get along with their husband sharing a home, but once they got separate residences close-by (like on the same street) their relationships improved greatly.

Many couples do not share a bedroom, but they don't even admit this.

I sure do. My ex husband was on the road nearly 6 months a year, broken into chunks of several weeks at a time. I would never, ever do that again.

 

[George]

Not sure what kind of cross road is this

Thanks for sharing, y'all. It really helps me feel not so alone in my challenges.

For my wife, this became heart-wrenchingly hard when I dated and was ready to move on. But my ship had sailed. I had resolved to not cave in and backtrack to more unhappiness, although it's not easy to see someone you love suffer.

I had suffered enough through:

A) Decades of being spineless, which enabled the control freak in her. (We both agree with that synopsis, and have turned over a new leaf.) I'm not sure how things could've changed so completely, so quickly after taking decades.. But epiphanies are real, it seems. We are not the two individuals we once were.

B) Also, I suffered because her open marriage idea a couple of years ago was due to contact with her ex, who freely dates and is divorced and doesn't worry much about the effect of his flirtations on third parties like me. That is the big obstacle now!

After my brief bit of dating she said that she wanted to be mono. She had said that months before before, but we let things fizzle and were in separate beds, and I had told her that I no longer wished to be sexually intimate. We did little to fix this, rekindle or start anew..

In spite of everything, what we have now is deeper, better and fresher, more honest, more alive. We are having a fabulous honeymoon phase currently. I think it is fabulous because it's charged with the passion of going deeper.

Mono or poly, I feel both get back what we put in. So I could be mono with my wife and not feel like I'm missing out on life. I see mono or poly both as trade-offs. Some things are lost, some things are gained. Both seem to me, and I think Helen Fisher, natural to the human animal, from an evolutionary perspective.

Me, I could be happy mono if I knew my wife was really into it. She says she is. But I'm wondering if she is being honest with herself, or just can't bear the thought of losing me. Or maybe it's her guilt. Maybe she really is feeling positive about being monogamous with me. But then I worry: will it stay that way? Will she give it a real try and commitment, not in words, but in actions?

I'm not wanting a vow of til death do us part. No guilt if it doesn't endure. But if she is wanting me onboard I will try 100%, so I hope she'll also put in the active love required to back up the sentiment!

I'm not sure that I'll ever get over being undervalued for so long, only to then have her suggest an open marriage, which was really due to the presence of this ex-boyfriend from her youth. I should be able to heal and let go of my doubt and insecurity. I've read that it'll take time. I'm still blinking to gauge if her intentions are real or will last. They met for dinner once after we had broken up. Her story is that she was miserable and needed someone to talk to. But I pointed out the irony of how her seeking comfort was the cause of our parting, even if it was only dinner.

I don't want to be made to feel like the thought police or something. Her attractions are human and perfectly natural. But the way we respond to our attractions should depend on our relationships/partners. I think poly and mono ethics align there.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I'm not sure that I'll ever get over being undervalued for so long, only to then have her suggest open marriage, which was really due to the presence of this ex-boyfriend from her youth.

I don't want to be made to feel like the thought police or such.

OK, well, as always:

You can never be made to feel anything. Nobody can assert feelings or self-perception upon you. We feel what we feel based on our own perceptions and thoughts. That's really important to know, because otherwise we go through life as puppets on the strings of others' behavior and wishes.

The presence of a BF doesn't automatically undervalue another person. The only possible way that you could ever have been undervalued is by having undervalued your own priorities and your own preferences, then gotten into a relationship situation that reflected this. When we feel strong and sure of our own selves, nobody can come in and compromise our sense of self worth.

Our relationships will reflect our self respect. Feeling valued and having respectful, fulfilling relationships is always first an inside job. It really doesn't matter what anyone else is up to, even your wife or a BF. If whatever she is all about doesn't jive with your self-respect and your vision of yourself, that relationship will naturally fall away. If what she is all about taps into your internal struggle, then you'll have a hornet's nest of an ongoing relationship.

The way to work with all of this is not to wait for her to dish out value and good times to you (or not), but for you to get square within yourself about the kind of life that you want-- and stand by it.

 

[George]

Yes, Fallen Angelina. Amen to me not waiting to be treated better. That has been a key change (or my half of it) that led to my wife and me making a go at a new marriage, because we were done.

And this is not the old marriage being saved. It's a new one. We aren't the same two individuals. We are not the the same partners with the same patterns.

She doesn't undervalue me anymore. But yes indeed, enabling her undervaluing of me for many years was as much my fault as anyone's.

I have some doubts about her wanting to be mono with me. I sense that she means it now, but worry that the ex-bf will creep back onto her wish list.

We can't know where our hearts will be years into the future. We can indeed choose to pursue a path and then get behind that and make the best of it.

Right now, she is telling me that she wants to be fully married (mono). I don't have a need to be poly or mono, per se. I only want to love and be loved. Whatever the path, we get back what we put in.

 

[George]

Wow. I'm revisiting this just now in October, 2023. My wife and I are still together, and closer than ever. We ended up being mono, as there was, for us, clearly more gained than lost. Add to that, I have a disabling disease. But I'm persevering and very much loving life, while pushing 60.

 

[kdt26417]

Thanks for posting that update. Sorry to hear about your health issue, it does sound like things are good between you and your wife and that is good to hear. Carry on!