Poly with a history of abuse

M

MsEmotional

Member
My boyfriend is conflicted about starting to date again. He suspended his OKC account shortly after we got together because between me and reconciling with his ex, he was feeling relationship saturated. His other girlfriend broke up with him again a few weeks ago and he's been kind of just enjoying being with me for awhile....lately, though, with me having a family that demands my attention, he is feeling like he has too much time on his hands and needs to get back out meeting some new people.

Okay, so I am anxious about him dating again and I can't quite figure out how to manage that anxiety.

Here's the issue: as I've mentioned in other threads, he's been in some toxic relationships previously. What I hadn't realized, however, was the extent of the abuse that he encountered, and the silent fear that he experienced in those relationships.

I am really afraid that he will end up in another abusive relationship. If that happens, what's my role? Has anyone navigated that situation before?

We've talked about these concerns -- neither of us feels comfortable with any kind of veto. He told me that he would appreciate me telling him if I think something isn't healthy about any of his other relationships....but I also worry that I won't see it or will mentally write it off as none of my business until it gets out of hand. On the other hand, I wonder if I would be too protective, reacting at even the slightest hint of discord because I worry that whatever I see is just the tip of the iceberg.

How does one do polyamory when there are concerns about abuse? Are there any resources that can help me navigate my anxieties? I have never witnessed abusive behaviors first-hand and so I don't know what addressing them is supposed to look like. And, ultimately, I just want him to be happy and not have to worry about this at all. I feel like it is infantilizing to him to want to "manage" his relationships, but I also feel really upset that he's been treated poorly so frequently in the past.
 
He's a grown man so you shouldn't have to manage his relationships. The best thing to do is just be there for him if he needs you. If he has issues that need to be worked out, he needs to work on those.

Personally, I am very hands off when it comes to a partner's other relationships.
 
You're back to "now I feel 100% responsible for his needs." So long as you cling to that mindset, you can ignore the best advice in the world.

This is the guy you "only" had four dates a week with, right? & are actively trying to bring into a threesome/triad? What happened to the whole "fluid bonding" thing?

If he walks into an "abusive" relationship, it'll likely be because he (unconsciously or not) either sought one out, or purposely turned a good thing sour.

And if it's going to happen, it'll happen quickly, like a couple of weeks. He's not very patient.

Has he offered you a way to "save" him? Like, maybe granting him more time together, "more-equal" power in your vee, his own "space" in your house (drawer, closet, key)?
 
Ravenscroft said:
You're back to "now I feel 100% responsible for his needs." So long as you cling to that mindset, you can ignore the best advice in the world.

This is the guy you "only" had four dates a week with, right? & are actively trying to bring into a threesome/triad? What happened to the whole "fluid bonding" thing?

If he walks into an "abusive" relationship, it'll likely be because he (unconsciously or not) either sought one out, or purposely turned a good thing sour.

And if it's going to happen, it'll happen quickly, like a couple of weeks. He's not very patient.

Has he offered you a way to "save" him? Like, maybe granting him more time together, "more-equal" power in your vee, his own "space" in your house (drawer, closet, key)?
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Ravenscroft, I feel like I am giving you an inaccurate picture of this relationship. He never said that 4 dates a week wasn't enough -- I was the one who felt like I wasn't doing a good job of communicating my availability and setting good boundaries. That issue is resolved. He brought up fluid bonding once and it sparked me to do some research and then ask questions here because I was confused about my agreement with my husband -- Ponytail has never pushed for it nor even brought it up again. That issue is basically resolved -- or at least a non-issue for the moment. Both of these guys are interested in each other (sexually, if not emotionally) -- it's not me who is pushing for a threesome/triad and I have backed off considerably in discussion on that front to ensure that neither of them feels any pressure to rush anything. Basically although we are all still confused about our feelings, it's a non-issue for the moment because everyone has said they are okay with moving more slowly. In the immediate aftermath after his girlfriend broke up with him, I *felt* 100% responsible for his needs, but that is because I take on other people's shit, not because either of us feels that that should be my role. I feel like you have the impression that any insecurity or concern that I express for another partner is evidence of that partner's manipulation. I am really sorry that I am not communicating these situations accurately.

No, he has not offered me any ways to "save" him. He was very hesitant to talk about the abuse in the first place. We are also talking about actual abusive relationships -- not "abusive" relationships. I don't know why you utilized the quotation marks, but it reeks of sexism and a culture of victim-blaming.
 
Hi MsEmotional,

Ponytail has expressed interest in hearing your perception of whomever he dates -- whether you think anything unhealthy is going on. As such, you have his okay to submit to him your opinions about his various dating partners, so if you want to share with him, by all means do so. But don't beat yourself up about "not having the 'right' opinions," it's not your job to give him accurate information, only an accurate description of how you perceive things. So your perception is too forgiving ... or too alarmist. Either way, that is just your perception and he should realize that. If anyone would be qualified to guide him in the right direction, it would be a counselor. And even then, I'm not sure. Really, he is responsible for his own choices. Any opinions he receives from others are just food for thought, not instructions of what he should do. Ultimately, he must be his own guide.

If he has had a long string of abusive relationships in the past, he should be aware that one thing all those relationships had in common, was him. With that in mind, he might do well to ask himself how and why he repeatedly chooses abusive partners. This is an area where a therapist could be of help. Someone to help him unravel the knots in his subconscious. Supply him with the tools needed to unravel stuff on his own. But along the lines of the above paragraph, you aren't the one responsible for supplying him with these things. Ultimately, he needs to figure things out for himself. Your counsel can give him food for thought, but it can't make his decisions for him. It's nice of you to be willing to help, but don't get so involved that you start experiencing heavy anxiety of your own. Your guidance can be flawed, that's okay. He has the power to make his decisions. He has the final word.

I hope that helps some.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am really afraid that he will end up in another abusive relationship. If that happens, what's my role? Has anyone navigated that situation before?
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In your shoes? I would say

"I'm up for Closed. Or Open, with the condition that you are seeing a counselor so if problems arise you have someone to sort that stuff out with that is not me. Because I cannot be your therapist or responsible for your choices or your learning. I'm not the one responsible for teaching you what healthy dating looks like or helping you to heal from past abuse. You have to work that show, not me.

If drama starts leaking over on to me and couples counseling for us does not help us? You can expect me to bow out. Because I cannot pick who you date and if you choose to get on board a sinking ship. But I can choose who *I* pick, and I know how to swim. So if you pick toxic people to be with, I'm not sinking with you. I just quit picking you and swim for shore."​

I think it is fair to say what I am and am not up for. Then let the chips fall where they may.

I am really afraid that he will end up in another abusive relationship. If that happens, what's my role? Has anyone navigated that situation before?
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I would say your role is to tell him to seek appropriate help and if he isn't going to do that? Save yourself.

If he is seeking appropriate help and working that show, figure out how to support him appropriately. And seek your own counselor if you need help with your anxieties. It is not easy to support someone through that.

I haven't dated anyone like that, but I've helped 3 friends out of abusive relationships/marriage. One of the STBX people was really scary -- stalker-y, leaving creepy "presents" and running around with a gun threatening. I was scared he was going to come find her here and shoot up my home. Ugh. That one was a def loopy and I drove her to file the injunction to get a restraining order.

I've been firm about it afterward. Because if they go picking a NEW toxic person to date? Like same old song, different day? We don't have to stay friends. Take me off the speed dial and call someone else for help next time. Because I might help once, but I'm not signing up for the never ending crazy show.

I don't have to keep picking these people to be friends with if they choose to associate themselves with more toxic people. So I would be the same in a dating situation. If my dating partner picks toxic people to hang around with? I don't have to keep picking them out to date. I can stop and not hang around any of that.

*I* choose the company I keep.

Are there any resources that can help me navigate my anxieties? I have never witnessed abusive behaviors first-hand and so I don't know what addressing them is supposed to look like.
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Not poly specific, but most of the speak out loud articles have a "for friends and family" section at the bottom. You can scroll to the middle for "how to support the abused person" articles.

https://speakoutloud.net/articles

Galagirl
 
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It's absolutely true what Kevin said; Ponytail IS the common denominator in all these abusive relationships. Professional counseling is the best bet.

Have you thought about why you tend to take on the problems of other people? You don't need to answer, just think about it.
 
Thanks GalaGirl and Kevin. He already has a great therapist that he works with, ao that part is already taken care of. I will start thinking about how I want to frame some boundaries around my own involvement so that I am not taking on too much.
 
kdt26417 said:
If he has had a long string of abusive relationships in the past, he should be aware that one thing all those relationships had in common, was him. With that in mind, he might do well to ask himself how and why he repeatedly chooses abusive partners. This is an area where a therapist could be of help. Someone to help him unravel the knots in his subconscious. Supply him with the tools needed to unravel stuff on his own. But along the lines of the above paragraph, you aren't the one responsible for supplying him with these things.
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All of this perfectly worded advice, plus:

You aren't the one responsible for making up for his past relationships, being on your "best behavior" to show him how a good woman loves and help him heal. Yes, he likely experiences this with you, but your relationship with him remains healthy only if you're offering this because it's who you truly are, not because it's what you're doing to help him heal. Your work is to maintain your own peaceful heart, not to fix his. You probably know that you and he are treading in co-dependent territory, which is one component of all abusive relationships. He definitely has a Codie streak which he needs to work on. You won't do any good getting all Codie with him, trying to help and fix and manage what is for him, his higher power and perhaps his therapist to work on with him. Your work is to love him, not to fix him or heal him or help manage him.

Just saw your post above - good stuff.
 
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