Polyamorous, getting engaged, secondary issues

[swankychicky]

Hi All!

My question is this: I have been in my first polyamorous relationship, as a secondary, for about 1 ½ years. I am madly in love with Brett. When we met, one of the first things he said was, "I am in love with my girlfriend, but we date other people," so I knew what I was getting into when I started dating him. It worked perfectly... until recently.

At the time we met, his primary girlfriend (Greta) was dating a secondary, as well, but he broke up with her about 8 months ago. When I first met Brett, he made it sound like marriage wasn't even something they were thinking about. After Greta's other relationship ended, she decided she wanted to start talking to Brett about getting married.

I only realized it bothered me when the talk became serious. I know you are all used to questions about jealousy in poly relationships, but this just feels so different from any jealousy I felt before. Please don't think that I wish it were me getting married to Brett. I don't. I am not a marriage kind of girl. But I have never felt like a "secondary" before, and now I do.

He proposed to her a couple of weeks ago, and I am finding it hard to be happy for them. I can't seem to move past thinking about it, and he knows how I feel. We have a fantastic time together about once a week, and the thought of ending it makes me very sad. The truth is, it makes him less attractive to me in some ways, and I can't figure out why. He's less alluring.

It doesn't help that she is being way nicer to me. It feels... patronizing, like, now she is secure and I am no longer a threat. (Not that I ever was, I never wanted to be! But that's how it feels.)

And it sucks, because they know I am having a hard time with it, they are starting to hide things from me. We all share a calendar for planning time, and they put "4pm - busy"... which I know is the day they are having their engagement party.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I have compersion for them? I think I might have to end it, because I feel like I am losing my self-respect.

I can't find any articles about marriage in polyamory from the secondary's point of view. I was wondering if you all had any advice on how to deal, or how to express to Brett how this feels. Is it normal for me to feel like this? How can I turn off the bitter part in my head when I hear them being all cutesy and calling each other fiance? I guess I have a hard time wondering why polyamorous people get married. It seems counterintuitive.

Help, I'm floundering!

 

[BlackUnicorn]

We have a fantastic time together about once a week, and the thought of ending it makes me very sad.

So does that mean that they will be monogamously married? Or why else does it have to end?

And it sucks, because they know I am having a hard time with it, they are starting to hide things from me. We all share a calendar for planning time, and they put "4pm - busy"...which I know is the day they are having their engagement party.

Have you confronted them about sneaking around? And why are you not invited to the party?

How to deal, how to express to B how this feels? Is it normal for me to feel like this? How can I turn off the bitter part in my head when I hear them beig all cutesy and calling each other fiance? I guess I have a hard time wondering why poly people get married. It seems counterintuitive.

Have you asked them why they are suddenly getting married? Might explain a lot of things. You are not alone in being the secondary who has to face their partner getting married to someone they clearly consider their primary.

As I read it, you don't have any other relationships going on ATM, is that right?

As a poly person, I can only speak for myself, but I would consider getting married with someone as a sign that we are now each other's primary partners (provided it would be possible to marry them), but many people don't use the primary/secondary description at all, and may get married for really practical reasons. It would help to know what their motivation is.

 

[Tonberry]

I can absolutely understand the feeling of being a different status now, a third wheel, while they're being all official. It might feel to you like he's not treating the two of you as equals.

But you say you're not a marriage kind of girl. Surely your boyfriend knows that? Isn't it possible that specifically because you wouldn't want to marry him anyway, he feels it's not harming you or taking an opportunity from you? You can't marry him, but you had no interest in doing so.

It's true that being married means they'll have a different status, according to law. But you won't have a lesser one. All the advantages you're not getting, you already didn't have. Do you feel like it would be more fair if he were marrying you both? But you don't want to get married, right? Is it the fact that he "chose" her that hurts? But it's not a choice if she wants it and you don't.

I think it's important to talk with them about everything. Tell them you appreciate how they're trying to hide things, like with the calendar, but you want to stay honest between the three of you, as you already feel left out right now, and secrets you're not a part of would make things worse.

Then, if feeling left out is your problem, ask how you can feel more like part of it. Be a first maid? Are you openly poly? If so, that could be part of the vows and you could be mentioned. Would you want to also wear a ring for symbolic reasons, despite the lack of ceremony? Do you want a nonofficial ceremony, such as a handfasting?

Maybe talking about all of that will have you understand what is making you feel this way. It does make a lot of sense. They're making their bond stronger, and yours is staying the same, so it seems weaker in comparison. So, work at strengthening the bond between you and him, and also between you and her. Tell her you appreciate how nice she's being, but sometimes you feel that it's because you're not a threat anymore and that makes you negligible, and so being nice hurts a bit when you think about the reasons for it.

Maybe talking about that with her will allow her to explain how she feels, or understand you better.

 

[swankychicky]

Wow, I can't believe how much reading your replies has helped me! In answer to some of your questions:

They will not be monogamously married. They've both told me that. They say that nothing will change, but I think what Tonberry said about feeling lesser makes a lot of sense. I hadn't been able to put my finger on it, but that is exactly what I feel. Their bond is stronger now, and in turn, makes mine feel weaker. It feels good to be able to put it into words!

I have not confronted them about hiding events, only because they know I have a hard time talking about it, and I think they were doing it to try to protect me. But you are right-- I need to tell them to be open with everything, otherwise it's worse. I won't be invited to the party because Greta is kind of territorial. I wasn't invited to her b-day because she wants Brett to be just hers for the night, which I understand. It's her day.

I don't have any other relationships going on at the moment, and that definitely has something to do with it. In all honesty, this is my first poly relationship, but I think I tend more towards monogamy. I don't feel the need to go out and date others, but I think I need to.

They decided to get married after Greta's secondary broke up with her. It had never been mentioned before that. I think that's another thing that makes it hard for me. Brett originally didn't like the idea. I feel like he was talked into it. He admitted that he wasn't on board at first, until she explained her reasons.

She and I do like each other, but are very different. It's hard to understand her sometimes.

Thank you both so much for your replies. It did help me figure some things out that I need to discuss with Brett. I don't think he really understands why this is so hard for me, but now I can let him know that I think it's because I feel like their bond is so much stronger and mine is lessened. I think that will help him get it. You guys rock!

 

[redpepper]

It sounds like they are being kind and respectful, but are in NRE over getting married. This isn't easy for you.

Hold on. The ride is just beginning. Weddings are consuming and lead to a lot of selfishness, in a good way. It is about them. One way of not feeling lesser in this is to start planning and doing your own stuff. They are going to be busy for quite a while. Why not do some things you have put on hold, or find other things of interest? That way, you can take yourself out of their NRE, and into the relationship you have with yourself.

When you get together with Brett, you can request that the wedding talk be evened out with your talk of all the stuff you are doing in order to create balance. I suspect that when you are self-involved, you will be able to achieve compersion, and they will be more open to telling you what's going on for them.

Really, this is kind of like Brett starting another relationship that he would be swooning over, just that he is re-kindling the one he already has, in terms of marriage plans.