Polyamorous love triangle

I think I can deal with a poly relationship, when I am treated with the same respect and fairness as my partner's other partners. We had this situation before they made the decision to become a monogamous couple. I knew he loved her too, that he wanted to live with both of us, and although we never spoke about it, I assumed they had sex too. And though it was something I felt like I had to get used to, because it was new to me, I felt I was going to be fine with it and was looking forward to trying it.

But it's not the case now any more. I find it very painful being treated like a secondary. I mean, at the moment, we have no poly relationship. They have a monogamous relationship, while he and I are "just" very close friends, or a little bit more than this. And this is a thing that I don't feel ready for at the moment.

I'm sure he will not talk to her about the cheating before she comes. He's pretty stubborn in that case. He hasn't even spoken to her about his plans to live with both her and me. He says they don't speak often about such things, and that he knows her well enough to know she's open-minded enough for these things. He gets annoyed when I tell him that I think she should know such stuff.

But we will talk about all that when she comes, because then I'll have a chance to bring all these hidden things on the table, so we all can make a good, well-informed mutual decision about our future.
 
Hm, why control freak? That has never been on my mind with him, so I wonder what makes you think he could be one?
 
So we are friends now, and so far it works "perfectly" as he has cheated on her with me a couple of times already He keeps thinking it's a personal weakness and he just has to become stronger to resist me. You can tell that I really see myself in him, so I understand him perfectly and just hope for him (not for me, I'm fine with if we really wouldn't have sex any longer, as for me it really is "just sex" now) that one day he will get the same insights like I had last year. And hopefully his girlfriend will be able to grow with him. I'm pretty sure that the final word hasn't been spoken yet. We'll see.
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This is the part that bothers me, as a monogamous partner married to someone who is poly. Basically, I found out my husband was cheating on me in June, only to hear from him that, "Oh hon, I am actually poly. This is a good thing. Its ok, etc." I agreed to listen, but like any mono, said he needed to quit seeing her. Many on this site said that wouldn't work, but I wasn't listening

So of course, in September, I found new evidence that they were still meeting and seeing each other. We had another row and this time I agreed to let them talk, no sex, we could get together as a threesome, but I wasn't comfortable about them being along together. Trust was gone.

In Dec I discovered that a trip to go Christmas shopping was actually a trip to have sex.

My one deal was that they give me time to get beyond the cheating, repair our marriage (yes, it had problems) and then we could look at other ideas. Of course I am not getting that. I have discovered that I am insanely jealous. Is controlling a better word? :confused: I don't know.

But I do know that we started to get better, closer, started doing things as a couple again (we have 3 kids) and I was happy and he seemed happy.

In Dec I basically said that I couldn't take the deception anymore and this was his last chance. We had a good 2 months. He showed me her emails, etc. Then he went away for 1 month on business. He came back this week and had to "meet a guy about a job," and he butt calls me. I hear the 2 of them talking while eating lunch.

He said he couldn't face asking me to see her alone because I would say no. I told him I would rather he ask then sneak around. So we went out on saturday and she spent the night on the couch and the next day, he showed me an email from her and i read further and saw the beginning email was from him to her and spoke about how hard it is to be near her and not be able to show her his love and I went beseark! To me this was on the same level as having sex. He is "in love" with her and it nurts me to no end.

I really do not think I will ever be able to trust anything he tells me about her, I cannot handle her in my life and even as he tells me, he chooses me, blah blah blah, I am thinking of ending my marriage. I don't want, to but 4 discoveries in less than one year is really starting to wear on me. We are fighting. My kids (teens) are starting to pick up on it. I am tired of them cheating.

I guess what I originally started out writing was that the cheating part is horrible for a monogamous partner. I don't understand how you can be with two people sexually and not like/love one more than the other. I think the whole ideal of polyamory is great, but unfortunately I was not introduced to it in the proper way.

Sorry so lengthy and bitter, but once again, jealousy is rearing its lovely head.
 
citygirl said:
This is the part that bothers me, as a monogamous partner married to someone who is poly. Basically, I found out my husband was cheating on me in June, only to hear from him that " oh hon, I am actually poly and this is a good thing and its ok, etc". I agreed to listen but like any mono, said he needed to quit seeing her. Many on this site said that won;t work but I wasn't listening, so of course in September I found new evidence that they were still meeting and seeing each other. We had another row and this time I agreed to let them talk and no sex and we could get together as a threesome but I wasn;t comfortable about them being along together. Trust was gone and in Dec I discovered that a trip to go christmas shopping was actually a trip to have sex.
My one deal was that they give me time to get beyond the cheating, repair our marriage (yes, it had problems..) and then we could look at other ideas. Of course I am not getting that. I have discovered that I am insanely jealous...is controlling a better word :confused:, I don;t know. But I do know that we started to get better.....closer, started doing things as a couple again (we have 3 kids) and I was happy and he seemed happy.
In Dec I basically said that I couldn't take the deception anymore and this was his last chance. We had a good 2 months, he showed me her emails, etc and then he went away for 1 month on business. He came back this week and had to meet a guy about a job, and he butt calls me on his cell phone and I hear the 2 of them talking while eating lunch. He said he couldn't face asking me to see her alone because I would say no. I told him I would rather he ask then sneak around. So we went out on saturday and she spent the night on the couch and the next day, he showed me an email from her and i read further and saw the beginning email was from him to her and spoke about how hard it is to be near her and not be able to show her his love and I went beseark! To me this was on the same level as having sex. He is "in love" with her and it nurts me to no end.
I really do not think I will ever be able to trust anything he tells me about her, I cannot handle her in my life and even as he tells me, he chooses me...blah blah blah, I am thinking of ending my marriage. I don't want to but 4 discoveries in less than one year is really starting to wear on me. We are fighing any my kids (teens) are starting to pick up on it and I am tired of them cheating.

I guess what I originally started out writing was that the cheating part is horrible for a monogamous partner. We, meaning I, don't understand how you can be with two people sexually and not like/love one more than the other. I think the whole ideal of polyamory is a great one but unfortunately I was not introduced to it in the proper way.
Sorry so lengthy and bitter but once again, jealousy is rearing its lovely head.
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He cheated many time. Continued to cheat, continued to deceive and even when given another chance, fucked it up again. When sex couldn't continue he emotionally cheated on you?

Sorry, you should be jealous and pissed. I am not sure how anyone learns to forgive on that level, not when they continue proving they can't be trusted. You have given chances, they keep failing

You have done your due diligence. They need to do some of theirs too, instead of acting selfishly.
 
citygirl said:
I am thinking of ending my marriage. I don't want to but 4 discoveries in less than one year is really starting to wear on me. We are fighting. My kids (teens) are starting to pick up on it. I am tired of them cheating.
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Based on his inability to control himself and his repeated dishonesty, I think you would be wise to move on. Everyone makes mistakes. That is normal. Repeating those mistakes is sign of a person either trapped and denying themselves something, or simply the action of a weak character. And what of the character of this woman he is with? She obviously knows the situation.

Is there a little judgement in my tone? Yup. I'm tired of hearing about people being completely selfish and not caring for others with respect to cheating. It's bullshit-- completely shitty behaviour.

Sorry to be so negative, but you sound like a strong woman who will be able to move on. You should be treated with more respect as a human. Your husband might be poly by nature, but he sucks at it in practice. You don't want an open relationship, so why continue to torture yourself?

Take care of yourself first.
 
Purpurea said:
I think I can deal with a poly relationship, when I am treated with the same respect and fairness as my partner's other partners.
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He isn't treating her with repect either. He's lying to her and using her. I don't think either of you are being treated with respect. Neither of you deserve to be treated the way he has treated you, in my opinion. Actually, to me, he has treated you better, because he is being honest. He isn't giving her that same respect. She gets lies.

Citygirl, that just plain sucks! :(
 
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I just finished reading the entire thread of "I'm in over my head", posted by Freetime. I wish I had been given the chance to go through what he went through, instead of being thrust into this through a "cheating" episode...or maybe episodeS is better. The girl he is seeing is poly and according to my husband, in the dark about his cheating. When I did ask her to give us time and stop communicating with my husband, she told me she doesn't throw away friendships just like that.
With this past episode, I told him that once again, he is not only hurting me, but lying to her, which to me is wrong. Here I am feeling for her, even though I want her gone! UGH! I actually appreciate the voice freetime has, cuz I feel like I am a ranting and raving b*tch, which I was last night. I can honestly tell you that I was at my worst. I will have a few bathroom towel bars to replace.
I told him....not her, because although we have gone out several times, we have never talked about this situation, that I need time. I honestly think that the whole poly thing is a great idea for the entire human race (not that I want to be part of it :p , but I really wish that we could have talked about this before things got out of control. He cares for her.....this part I hate! (jealousy...she is younger and without baggage...kids, responsibilities). I also care about the sex...to me, that is emotional too. I am ok with US going out together and getting to know each other as long as they are not intimate. I need time. But I am not getting it.

But, I love my husband,...or do I? Is it just comfortable after 20 years together? That is what I asked him last night. I don't want him to stay and then screw with my mind in another 2 months. If he and she ( but what does she even know about what my husband and I are really going through).....damn, where was this even going??

I guess I could give him another chance, but seriously, 4 times??!!! I am ok being by myself....it would kind of be fun, a new experience and no bullshit. But, I am willing to try to salvage it. He is fun to be with and he makes me smile, etc.. but will he agree to decent terms??!! And I guess his gf should then be involved.... Make him finally accountable.
Let me know what ya'll think. This ride has been very rocky and I am glad I found a place where there are people who have been through this.
 
Ranting...sorry

citygirl said:
When I did ask her to give us time and stop communicating with my husband, she told me she doesn't throw away friendships just like that.
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WTF!! You are his wife and this woman has the nerve to say something like this to you? S-E-L-F-I-S-H. Talk about looking after number one....sorry, I obviously find the bonds of marriage way more sacred than this woman or any other person that would behave this way. I was cheating with a married woman and I will likely always carry that burden with me...I hurt another person to get what "I needed".....bullshit, I was selfish and not thinking about anything beyond my own childish desires....to get whatever I want in whatever way I could. I'd like to go back in time and kick the shit out of myself for the damage I did. I guess each of us as individuals need to grow up the hard way sometimes. Perhaps when this woman gets a taste of her own bullshit medicine she'll have a better appreciation of how it feels to be betrayed. Sorry to rant but after what I have seen I want to shake the shit out of anyone who thinks thier "needs" are more important than any other persons. If people were truly coming from a place of "giving more is getting more" then they would actually be giving more and not taking for themselves at the expence of another human being's happiness. I live in a world where I am responsible for the happiness of others and if that requires sacrifice within reason than so be it.

This woman is a taker IMO. Maybe she should go out and find something for herself that does not erode the happiness of another.
 
Purpurea, I said your guy is a control freak because whenever you talk about him, I get this image in my mind of a puppeteer. He is manipulating the strings of his two marionettes, keeping them hanging onto him with hopes or temptations, yet nothing substantial. It seems like a power play to me. He is so dishonest with her, dismissive of you (and uses you while acting as if he has no self-control, which is total bullshit.) I think he's very controlling and disrespectful to both of you. As I said before, I think walking away was the smarter choice you made. You deserve better and yes, while your pain and your feelings are your responsibility, how many times do we need to keep jumping into the fire before we realize we're only going to be burned?


Citygirl, ending a marriage is very hard. I am in the midst of that myself, and mine was half the length of yours and I don't have kids. Still, it has been a very traumatic and emotional experience. Ours ended for reasons other than infidelity, and not by my choosing. If I thought we could reconcile, I'd do it in a heartbeat. However, if my husband had EVER done what yours did to you, I would have kicked him out and changed the locks. Seriously. He is just waving the poly flag as an excuse to get what he wants, with no clue how to really conduct himself in a poly relationship, and without any regard for you or your feelings. As I see it, he lacks personal integrity. Leaving him could be messy, because of the kids, but I don't know if there is enough left there for you if that is how he treats you.


Do you all know that Kenny Rogers song, The Gambler? "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, know when to run."
 
redpepper said:
He isn't treating her with repect either. He's lying to her and using her. I don't think either of you are being treated with respect. Neither of you deserve to be treated the way he has treated you in my opinion. Actually, to me, he has treated you better because he is being honest. He isn't giving her that same respect. She gets lies.
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Okay, I agree with that. But who knows what he doesn't tell me, when he lies to me? The point is, he thinks he is doing the right thing. He thinks he treats me and her well and with the greatest love and respect. That is HIS reality and truth. And the thing is, no one KNOWS about the truth, we can only BELIEVE in what could be true or not. I surely don't agree with his point of view, yet I couldn't claim that I know what's right. In fact, I just have a different point of view. He still has a lot to learn about honesty and integrity, in my opinion. So do I, and so does she too, probably. I guess we're all in the same boat.

nycindie said:
Purpurea, I said your guy is a control freak because whenever you talk about him, I get this image in my mind of a puppeteer. He is manipulating the strings of his two marionettes, keeping them hanging onto him with hopes or temptations, yet nothing substantial. It seems like a power play to me. He is so dishonest with her, dismissive of you (and uses you while acting as if he has no self-control, which is total bullshit.) I think he's very controlling and disrespectful to both of you. As I said before, I think walking away was the smarter choice you made. You deserve better and yes, while your pain and your feelings are your responsibility, how many times do we need to keep jumping into the fire before we realize we're only going to be burned?
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Okay, if you put it that way, I agree with you. He has done a lot of things wrong, in my opinion. There are also things he does that I consider wrong that don't hurt me at all. So, for me, it is not about what he does right or wrong. That's actually not the point for me. This is about how much I'm willing to handle. For me, it is an irrational decision to walk away, if things are going to remain the same after the three of us have talked.

And, by the way, being with him has taught me so much about myself, about human relationships, about who and how I want to be. I'm sure, no matter if I stay with him or not, my future relationships will definitely benefit from this one.
 
Personally, I think Redpepper's question is interesting:

Why is he picking her as the primary when he has told you that he loves you both equally?

I can think of 3 possibilities:

1. He has a history with this woman predating you and maybe they had children together.

2. He is just thinking about himself and picks her because he thinks she is more attractive or something.

3. He is picking her because this way he gets to stay close to both of you.

In the case of 1, you have not indicated that he has kids with her or anything, so I assume we can count this reason out.

As for 2, I do not believe he is so selfish, otherwise, I am guessing you wouldn't love him.

Personally I am guessing 3. Of course if he loves you both equally, and you are prepared to accept her in the relationship, he should really pick you and let her decide whether she is prepared to share him with another woman.

It seems to be trying to have it both ways, and in doing so is compromising his integrity and is in danger of losing both of you.

I understand completely how you reached the position where you are today, but I know that you understand that this has to be resolved or it will eat away at your self esteem.
 
@bystander: He said himself that he chose things this way because he wanted to keep both of us close, and this seemed like a good way for him to do that. When he made this decision with her, he did not expect me to have any problems with it, as for him, like he said, it would not have been a problem at all if I had given up sex with him for another man. So there was, from his point of view, only one problem to be solved, or maybe two: Her jealousy, and his self-control issues. Number one got solved by making her his girlfriend and giving up sex with me, and number two he is working on. At the moment he is very controlled, by the way, though I think he still hasn't worked out with her, at what point, respecting her jealous, sex will start.

He definitely made the decision without me. Not the decision about their relationship, but the decision about ours, without knowing about my wishes, limits, needs, and without paying respect to the nature of our relationship, which had developed naturally into a romantic one. That, in fact, was disrespectful of him, unaware of if it hurt me or not.

Now that he knows my position, his reason not to change his decision is that, first of all, he doesn't agree with me that not restricting our relationship would be fairer towards me and our relationship, and more honest towards her and their relationship. And secondly, that he doesn't believe that good poly relationships could actually work, because we would have to manage jealousy and time-management issues. Not that we wouldn't have to manage these problems in the given setting.
 
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I wish he were here to tell us his side of the story because the more you try to explain it, the more it sounds like he is a weak man telling two women what they need to hear so that he can keep the pussy coming (and the more it sounds like you are a weak woman for believeing it).
 
Well, I'm just relaying what he tells me. Yes, maybe he's fooling me or her, yet I have no reason to believe that. I'm not a naive person; I usually don't buy things people tell me, just like that. I'm rather quite suspicious and critical by nature. Sure. I have my weaknesses, but if I were that weak, I would not have let things come this far.

For me, he is someone very unexperienced trying his best. Remember, these are the first close relationships of his life! He fell in love for the first time in his life with two women, almost at the same time. There's no role model for this situation in our society, if you haven't heard of polyamory before. You is very likely to do a bad job when you do things for the first time in your life.

I think he is doing pretty well, to the point that he admits loving both of us equally, and wants to live with both of us. My first relationship experiences were quite similar. I had two guys at the same time, but I was sooo far away from even admitting I loved both of them. If I wrote how lousy I treated them, you would definitely not like me any longer. :D Or maybe you would forgive me, because I was 18 and unexperienced.

He is, in many ways, a very caring, loving, reflective, and trustworthy person. I have not met many like him before, and I have learnt a lot from him that helps me deal better with a lot of things in my life. Try to remember that what I am writing about is just one part, not his whole personality. Let us give him time to learn and grow, and don't expect him to be perfect from the very beginning, okay?
 
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I don't "expect" anything from him. He's not my problem.

It would just be a more productive discussion if we heard what he thinks and feels from HIM instead of filtered through your translation.

Speaking of being 18, your explanations of why he is the way he is do sound like the excuses I used to make for other people's bad behaviour when I was 18.
 
It's not meant to be an excuse, more an explanation. I understand what you're saying, but unfortunately he is not here, nor is it very likely that he will join the discussion, so this will probably remain mainly a report of my views and feelings.
 
Purpurea, I like the way you responded without being defensive. Very cool. And I like it when people state their opinions on here, straight up. Good stuff!

POLYAMORY IS NOT FOR WIMPS.
 
Purpurea said:
For me, it is an irrational decision to walk away, if things are going to remain the same after the three of us have talked.
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That doesn't quite make sense to me. You stated that you were about to walk away because you realized you were experiencing more pain than you could easily withstand or erase away. (BTW, I don't know why you constantly say feeling hurt is irrational. You seem rather dismissive of your own genuine feelings, as if you need to explain them or get rid of them in order to be rational about everything.)

Anyway, maybe things will change, maybe they won't, but you were walking away originally because you recognized he was being unfair and dishonest and you were jealous and hurting. He calls you before you have a chance to get very far, and says that this chick, who has always been against you and him being sexual together, now apparently says an open relationship is possible. I'm sorry, but it feels like bullshit to me. I think he's yanking your chain. So, no matter how "irrational" you think it would be to walk away, I think it would be the smarter thing, at least until you get to talk to her face-to-face. Until then, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, and I'm an out-of-shape old lady.

I would trust intuition and my guts over rationality any day, btw. (Hail, hail the solar plexus!)
 
nycindie said:
You were about to walk away, because you realized you were experiencing more pain than you could easily withstand or erase away. (BTW, I don't know why you constantly say feeling hurt is irrational. You seem rather dismissive of your own genuine feelings as if you need to explain them or get rid of them in order to be rational about everything.)
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To me, it is irrational, as I don't think that the way he treats me really means I would have to suffer forever, unless I walk away. I think it is possible not to feel hurt in my situation, and of course, I would favor not feeling hurt by something. What I'm learning right now is to allow myself to be irrational. So, in fact, I am listening to my feelings when they say: "I don't want to be rational right now, I don't want to grow!" And that's okay.

Until then, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, and I'm an out-of-shape old lady.
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:D It's not like I don't trust him at all. I don't think he is lying to me. He keeps away information from others, yes. But he doesn't say things that aren't true.

I don't trust him when it comes to respectful behavior towards me and our relationship. And I won't trust him until I can hear some kind of insight in what he says. When he realizes that his decision and the way he treated her and me with it, and because of it, was disrespectful, I'll be willing to trust him again.

And this other woman, I think she doesn't know much about my relationship with him yet. I guess she thought he and I were just friends with benefits, and that their relationship was the only one that had developed in a romantic way. She comes from a monogamous background. She might not even be aware that it's possible to love two people this way at the same time. They both keep talking about an "open relationship," so I think they know very little of the possibilities that polyamorous relationships offer.

I would trust intuition and my guts over rationality any day, btw. (Hail, hail the solar plexus!)
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I guess I also trust my intuition, when it comes to him, despite what he has done and what others say. I really feel that he has a good heart. It's really something I can't explain. It's the way he looks at me and many other little things. He would indeed be a great friend.
 
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