Polyamorous Relationship triggers. Why? and how do I clarify them?

Claire808

New member
I've been dating someone new for about 5 months. He has a partner back home who's uncomfortable with our relationship and has sent me an emotional message trying to scare me away.

Bryan describes his relationship with her as difficult, potentially unhealthy, and a "trauma bond." I feel triggered when I see him texting and calling her, especially during our time together.

We recently had a deep connection, but I felt intensely triggered seeing her message on his phone. I spent a day crying it out. It hurts. I had briefly accepted her as part of his process, which felt better, but the triggers persist.

I'm considering whether it's better to avoid romantic involvement with him while he's still involved with her, but I'm unsure how to do that.

I'm unclear about why I feel so bad or how to alleviate these feelings.This is my first experience with a deeper polyamorous relationship.

I want to understand my feelings, learn how to work through them with him, and determine if I can maintain a relationship with him while he has another partner, especially one who dislikes me and may be in an unhealthy dynamic with him.

What are some clarifying questions I can Ask myself, and how may I communicate with him and her, to clarify my feelings and the situation?
 
I'm sorry this is happening. I don't know if this helps you reflect any. I suppose you could ask yourself:

He has a partner back home who's uncomfortable with our relationship and has sent me an emotional message trying to scare me away.

How did she even get you contact info to send you messages trying to scare you off? When you told Bryan about it, how did he react or respond?

Where is home? How old is everyone in this group? Why are you and Bryan here, and his other partner is there?

Bryan describes his relationship with her as difficult, potentially unhealthy, and a "trauma bond."

Why did Bryan bother telling you this info in the first place, rather than dealing with it/ending it with her? For what purpose? Is Bryan being a sloppy hinge and oversharing stuff from that side of the V over on to this side? Trying to use you for a free therapist and unloading all his problems with her on you?

If Bryan is leaking in this direction oversharing about her to you, is he oversharing things about you to her on that side of the V?

What attracts Bryan to people like this?

And if this person comes round looking for Bryan, acting all "If I can't have you, no one can!" then what? Would you rather not be around?

I feel triggered when I see him texting and calling her, especially during our time together.

Is this on dates? If so, why is Bryan interrupting dates with you to take calls or texts from his other partner? Can't he let it go to voicemail and get back to her on his own free time when the date is over, putting his device away or on mute while on a date with you?

I'm considering whether it's better to avoid romantic involvement with him while he's still involved with her, but I'm unsure how to do that.

You could speak plainly, maybe saying something like:

"Bryan, I'm not comfortable with you dating someone who tried to scare me off and who you describe as difficult, unhealthy, and a trauma bond for you. It's like you offered yourself as a dating partner when you aren't actually healthy in yourself yet. This is more than I bargained on for my first poly V relationship. I'd rather end things and give you some space to sort your life out. Look me up if you are ever free of X and actually healed from whatever traumas."

And leave it at that.

If Bryan offered himself as a dating partner prematurely when he's not actually healthy in himself, he jumped the gun. You don't have to be up for all that.

It might be nice for Bryan to have you around for distraction, or to help him endure or deal with his wonky partner, like, that's better than doing it alone. But it doesn't sound great for YOU.

This is my first experience with a deeper polyamorous relationship.

SOMEONE has to be the first poly relationship if you are going to poly date, but that doesn't mean you have to stick around with them forever. Not every person you poly date will be compatible.

Unfortunate this dynamic is wonky, and not especially healthy or nice, especially since it's your first time poly-dating.

It's ok to decide it's too messy for you and end it, heal, and when ready, move on and poly date people who are healthy/more stable than Bryan and his other partner. You can have a healthier poly V than this.

Aspire to healthy relationships. You might be new to polyamory, but YOU get to decide what behaviors you will and will not put up with in your dating relationships.


I hope things get better for you.

Galagirl
 
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@GalaGirl
Great feedback and questions. Thank you so much!
I agree I want to move on to healthier dynamics. I have essentially told him that I am not comfortable with his other partner and the dynamic between us all. I really like your suggestion of what to say. Spot on!

Thank you again!
 
I've been dating someone new for about 5 months. He has a partner back home who's uncomfortable with our relationship and has sent me an emotional message trying to scare me away.

I have a friend going through this. He is the hinge and should protect you from her. He needs to lay down appropriate boundaries.

You should also protect yourself from her. There is no need for metamour abuse. This would be a deal breaker for me. I dont need someone trying to incite my anger.
Bryan describes his relationship with her as difficult, potentially unhealthy, and a "trauma bond." I feel triggered when I see him texting and calling her, especially during our time together.
Your job here is to lay out appropriate boundaries to ensure your time with him is your time. When I am with my gf (she is younger) she can be distracted on her phone. However with certain engagements, the phones go away. The level of appropriateness changes with the situation, but there are boundaries and we both agree to them :)
We recently had a deep connection, but I felt intensely triggered seeing her message on his phone. I spent a day crying it out. It hurts. I had briefly accepted her as part of his process, which felt better, but the triggers persist.
He that triggering impacted your side of the connection?
I'm considering whether it's better to avoid romantic involvement with him while he's still involved with her, but I'm unsure how to do that.
I am not fluid with my relationships. Maybe someday I can figure it out but I can't. It am very ladder oriented and if a relationship keeps going up, it wont ever roll back. This means I dont tend to stay in touch with previous lovers until years later when all remnants are gone.

I say this, because I am either in, or out. Period. You need to decide if you can function in a relationship that is a portion of what you desire.
I'm unclear about why I feel so bad or how to alleviate these feelings.This is my first experience with a deeper polyamorous relationship.
Poly isn't for everyone, dont force it. If it really doesnt feel good or make sense. Move on.
I want to understand my feelings, learn how to work through them with him, and determine if I can maintain a relationship with him while he has another partner, especially one who dislikes me and may be in an unhealthy dynamic with him.
It wont be easy, in fact that will be harder without him fully supporting and being a strong hinge. Its his job to process, its your job to protect yourself. How prepared are you to be the bad guy in someones story for the rest of your collective relationship lives. How prepared is he to ACTUALLY manage both forks in a way that keeps you both happy

Good luck, soul searching and introspection in your future. You wont get what you need from her, its not her job to be awesome (it would be nice, but you aren't in a relationship with her). Its his job to manage as a hinge. That will take a special hinge in what reads like a chaotic situation
 
I think calling these things "triggers" is a distraction and not helpful to you.

The issue is, you are dating someone who describes himself as being in a difficult, unhealthy, trauma-bonded relationship.

It makes sense that you were willing to give it a chance and see if he can work out his issues or at least not have his other relationship affect you. But it affects you: they communicate during your time together and his other partner sends you unhealthy messages.

So, you can tell him that you really like him and feel a deep connection to him, but you cannot date him until he is out of that relationship.

Whether you enjoy poly relationships and want to keep doing poly dating is up to you. Maybe you are put off by poly dating in general and would prefer a monogamous relationship.
 
Hello Claire808,

It seems to me that you need some separation between you and Bryan's other partner, that you need Bryan to not talk to you about her, and above all that you need him to stop texting and calling her when he is with you. Does he know that she sent you an emotional message trying to scare you away? He should maybe be made aware of that. It's one of the main things that is causing the triggers for you.

Bryan should probably break up with her, she is a bad influence on him. However, I don't know what you could say to him that would convince him to do that. He already knows that his relationship with her is difficult, potentially unhealthy, and a trauma bond. What more does he need to know in order to be convinced to break up with her? You can tell him that you are concerned, but that's about all you can do about that.

I hope you don't have to break up with him.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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