Polyamory and soulmates

[polyexplorer]

Wow! This is all so new to me! A few days ago I didn't even know the word polyamory existed.

Anyway, I've got a bit of a story and I would really appreciate people's thoughts/advice, and even sharing their experiences, as a way of helping me sort through all of this. I hope this is right place to post. I really appreciate the opportunity to share.

I have been married to my wife Jill for 19 years. We are soulmates and have been monogamous for all this time. We were each other's first boyfriend/girlfriend and first kiss. We have three beautiful daughters. I love her to bits! We have had an amazing relationship, and still do.

Five years ago we met another woman, Joy, who has had a very difficult upbringing. We opened up our lives to her as a way of helping her to heal. In this process I started to draw close to her emotionally. I strongly felt this was right and appropriate and was more than just helping her heal, but was somehow helping me discover more of who I was. However, Jill sensed that for the first time I was opening myself up to another female in a way that I had never allowed in the past, due to an upbringing that assumed monogamy was the only appropriate relational status.

Jill started to feel enormous pain about this and kept telling me that she felt like our marriage was a threesome. I really empathised with her, but didn't know what to do. She expected me to do something about it, but I knew that to end things with Joy would be a complete abandonment of her, especially with the trust issues that she was overcoming. Our family had become amazingly special and meaningful to her. So I kept empathizing with Jill, and hearing her pain. She was trying desperately to be okay with everything, but was not. She wanted to know what was unique about our marriage, and she kept feeling like things were a threesome, which in her mind was a very negative thing.

In the end, she finally exploded and made the decision to cut things off with Joy, on Christmas Day, unfortunately. This devastated me. I was very close to Joy (actually, we both were) and knew the damage that this would inflict on her. I felt like we had abandoned her. I don't abandon people! I'm not that kind of person! But I knew that in order to keep our marriage together, this is what we had to do.

I was quite depressed for a long time. Then three years later, Jill invited Joy back into our lives. We spoke at length about this. I didn't want her to do this for my sake to alleviate my sadness about the situation, but I think this was part of her decision. The other part of it is that she and Joy are also close.

Joy and I naturally click. So it was inevitable that we started to draw close again. Naturally, since Jill and I had never fully resolved the real issues about the relationship feeling like a threesome for Jill, all the old emotions started to flare up again. So Joy and I have decided not to contact each other for the time being until things are resolved about this between Jill and me. Jill still connects with Joy. I feel trapped, like I can't really act on my heart's desire. I really do love both very deeply. But I also don't want to separate from Jill. I couldn't imagine doing life without her!

I have been going through all sorts of emotions and thoughts. I can totally understand why Jill feels threatened by Joy. We come from a religious upbringing where monogamy is just assumed. Anything else is wrong. Jill feels like her jealousy is evidence of the inappropriateness of the relationship. So for her, even the thought of me opening myself up to someone else is inappropriate. I had always thought the same, until meeting Joy. I have a deep conviction in the "rightness" of this relationship. This obviously has caused me to deeply question my upbringing and the assumption that emotional and physical monogamy is the only appropriate lifestyle for a married person.

In questioning all this, I have stumbled across polyamory. When I started to read stuff about it and read people's experiences, everything inside me resonated with what I was hearing. It was as though a fire started burning within me, and I felt like screaming out-- "This is me!"

What next, though? What about Jill? We are currently getting couples counselling, but I am afraid to bring up the whole issue of polyamory. Jill just sees a threesome as such a negative thing. To challenge these fundamental assumptions in her life could be too devastating for her. But then where does that leave me, now that I have this fire lit within me? I would love to embrace Joy into my life and even to give myself permission to open myself up to others that I sense a possible deep connection with, but I can't do that while Jill is struggling so much. Once you start down the rabbit hole, you can't turn back! I'm excited and petrified at the same time. I can't believe this is happening to me!

I'd really appreciate hearing experiences from people who relate... Thanks for listening!

 

[Ariakas]

I have never liked the term soul mates. Its inherently limiting. About 15 years ago, give or take, I found a term that stuck: soul friends, or in its original term, anam cara. In its simplest form, it allows us to have a soulful connection to more than one person for more than one reason.

I truly believe in this term and it has been proven time and again. People come into my life that impact my soul to its core. Soul mates is just such a limitation on a potential thought.

As to your specific challenges, all you can do is keep talking and educating yourselves. The only way to make it work is start the process. Explain what's happening and point Jill in directions to learn at her own pace. You can't rush it. If you do, you may end up hurting her more than necessary. You need to figure out if you BOTH can do poly before you jump in feet first. If not, you may need to look at another configuration than a triad.

You, should also look up NRE. Read up on it in detail. You may find some insight into what you are feeling. It reads a lot like NRE has you fully in its grasp.

Best of luck,
Ari

 

[Saint]

It's not clear from your post just how intimate your relationship with Joy is, so I'll assume that it's only emotional at this stage, not physical.

Kudos on fearlessly telling Jill your true feelings. How you feel about Joy is simply the way things are, and the sooner the truth is out in the open, the better. That said, it sounds like you have doubts about Jill's willingness to enter into a poly relationship, or to have you entering into one. The possibility exists that this may simply be something that you and she will never agree on. In that case, you will have to decide whether your relationship with Jill, or your freedom to explore relationships with others, is more valuable to you.

Unless Jill has a complete change of heart about poly relationships, I'm sorry to say that I don't see this situation resolving itself with everyone 100% satisfied with the outcome. You followed your heart when you told Jill your feelings about Joy, and I hope you'll follow it again if a time comes when you are faced with such a tough decision.

Good luck. I wish you, Jill, and Joy all the best.

 

[redpepper]

Have you heard of aram cara? I suggest doing a search for this, as it could be helpful to you. I think it's one of Ariakis's threads.

As for your circumstances, take your time. I know you are excited, and have a "fire burning," but there is no rush. Jill is certainly not in a rush. Remember she is experiencing this in regular time. You are not, because you are excited about the possibilities. If you want this to work, then time is needed for the issues to emerge and settle, at least in my experience.

I hope you turn Jill on to this forum, so that she can ask questions and get support also. Neither of you are alone. If nothing else, I hope you have a good read around here to find what might help (do searches, check out the stickies, etc.). Polyamory is not new. There are a lot of people successfully living in relationships that work. Keep at it and enjoy the ride. It's not so much the destination, but the journey. It's a lifetime of journeying.

 

[SNeacail]

Jill sensed that for the first time I was opening myself up to another female in a way that I had never allowed in the past, due to an upbringing that assumed monogamy was the only appropriate relational status.

Not quite sure what you mean here.

Jill started to feel enormous pain about this and kept telling me that she felt like our marriage was a threesome.

BTDT. First let me say, I am still in a monogamous relationship for the moment, but it was my husband's deep friendship with another lady that brought me here. We are also from a very conservative religious background. I truly believe that my husband (and I) would be much happier if neither of us had these absolutely monogamous expectations for our marriage and relationships. He is not yet at the point where he can shift his thinking away from church teachings, but I have hope.

We have a dear friend that my husband met nearly 10 years ago. They quickly became almost inseparable. They were both very involved in the Boy Scouts and would volunteer for stuff together.

It took me a long time to get comfortable accepting her as MY friend, and in truth, she isn't one I would have picked out on my own.

The biggest problem for me was that my husband would just invite her and her family along on any family outing we had planned, without consulting me first. I began to feel that either my husband didn't want to go with me, or he just couldn't stand to go without her. Either way, it was a serious stomp on my self-esteem. I really began to resent the fact that if I wanted just my family, I would literally have to say, "This is just for the four of us."

The last straw for me was when I found out that he was sharing personal details about our relationship with her. To me, this was a complete betrayal.

My husband and I had a looong conversation about those two points and things have been better. When I finally wasn't feeling threatened about my relationship, and my husband made a point to spend time with me and the kids without her, things improved. I don't get jealous of their relationship anymore, and know that if she is there, someone is watching out for him. Their relationship is non-sexual, and there is no way that will change (even if he wanted it to).

In addition to a few things I thought my husband was neglecting, the biggest change had to come from me. It was not an easy process, nor quick. Like I said, we have known her for 10 years, and it has only been in the last 2-3 years that I have been able to accept things and start to change my way of viewing marriage, sex and relationships.

What are you doing to make your wife feel special when Joy is around? What is making Jill feel threatened? If she is willing to come here, it could be a great help for her to understand where you are coming from. I have gained so much VALUABLE information to use in my own currently mono married life, that I just didn't get from other sources (especially the religous ones). The people here seem to truly be focused on helping relationships work, period.

 

[polyexplorer]

Thanks for your responses, everyone. I really appreciate it!

Ariakis, thanks for your comments about "soul friends." That is a very meaningful term. I like it! I guess by using the term "soulmate" I was referring to the person who I want to do life with, raise a family with, a life companion. I can understand why you would see this as limiting. And it would be, if we didn't open ourselves up to allow others in at a soul level. I guess that's where we are at.

I have reached a point now where this is what I want for us, but I don't think Jill is at that point yet.

Redpepper, I appreciate the comments about taking time. Admittedly, it has been over 5 years now, and in some ways I feel like I have been very patient and put my needs aside for all of this time, but in other ways it is all very new and fresh. This is the first time that I have found a description (i.e., polyamory) of how I have been feeling. It's really relieving to know there are others on this same journey and that it can work!

Saint, thanks for your comments, too. The other week I actually told Jill that I want us to be together even if that means that Joy is not a part of our lives. It was really hard for me to say this, but it meant so much to her. My hope is that Jill can start to open herself up to the possibility of polyamory, but I also understand that this is a big ask for someone steeped in monogamy as the "right" way of living (as I have been too).

SNeacail, thanks for sharing your story too. It means a lot to hear someone else going through similar things. I appreciate your honesty!

I'll read up on aram cara too.

I guess the real question for me is whether I broach the subject of polyamory with Jill, because even broaching the subject is going to be very delicate and potentially damaging for her trust, or whether I suppress my feelings. Hmm... Any thoughts or similar experiences?

 

[Tonberry]

It seems to me that Jill is more worried about losing you than sharing you. Or rather, she's afraid the sharing will make her lose what was so special about your relationship.

You might be able to explain things to her based on your kids. When your second kid was born, the first one didn't become any less special and loved. Indeed, the second one probably made you appreciate the uniqueness of the first one, due to all the things that were different. Same thing with the third one.

Jill is her own person. She is unique and so is your relationship with her. Joy isn't "more of the same" or "a replacement." She is a different person who could never bring you the same things Jill does.

Jill might think you should get everything from HER, personally. But you do get emotional support from, and connections with other people: your friends, your children, other family. You don't expect Jill to fill all of these roles at once, and similarly she can't and shouldn't fill Joy's. Therefore, if you can't have Joy in your like, you WILL miss her, but that doesn't mean you don't care dearly about Jill.

Maybe Jill needs to know you will always pick her over Joy, that as your wife she has a special status. That would mean she would be your primary and Joy would be a secondary. If you can all live with that then it might work very well for you. I'm mostly thinking about Joy here: can she live with coming after Jill? Some people prefer it that way, some don't.

You might want to have Jill read this thread, or others on the forum, and see how she feels about things, knowing that each case is, of course, unique, therefore what works for some of us might look terrible for her, but other things might resonate with her more.

I hope you can find a way to make your intimate network work out. It's important to deal with your Jill's feelings of jealousy and not ignore them, but it's also important to know that feeling jealousy doesn't mean the situation itself is wrong. You might be jealous that a friend gets a raise when you didn't, for instance, but that in no way means they didn't deserve the raise. When jealousy occurs, you need to work on yourself and identify the feelings. What causes the jealousy? Can you work on the underlying issue? It's possible to eliminate the jealousy while keeping the situation.

Good luck with everything!

 

[redpepper]

I'm not big on the kid comparison myself, as I don't have sex with kids, so it kinda weirds me out. But it is a close example all the same. There isn't really another I can think of.

Will you not be increasing trust because you want to talk to her about it? Can you market it to her that way? You are being honest about who you are, being patient with the process and with her in it, ready to do what it takes to make her feel loved, special, needed in your life. If you then show her that you are serious, yet doing the things that you say you will do (show her you love her, etc.), she will see that you are trustworthy.

The good thing about polyamory is that it can start a whole new romance with one's first partner. It shows up all the things that have been sliding or have slid in a monogamous relationship. Now is your chance to re-kindle with her. Make date nights, talk deeply about something, do the things you like to do together, and involve her in your journey, as well, by keeping your willingness to communicate open. It will be hard for her too, but there is nothing more you can do but be your authentic self.

 

[polyexplorer]

Redpepper and Tonberry, thanks for your comments. I appreciate them!

As I continue to think things through, one of the things that crosses my mind is the thought that maybe it is appropriate that a woman be jealous of her husband who decides that he wants to explore other emotionally and/or sexually intimate relationships. At one level you could argue that this is a part of who he is, at another level one could argue that by suppressing the jealousy, one is actually fighting what is natural and appropriate. My wife talks to her girlfriends about her feelings of jealousy over me becoming more emotionally intimate with another female, and her friends all totally get her and say she has a right to feel jealous. What do people say to this?

 

[Tonberry]

Jealousy is a signal. It lets you know you're not fine with something. Then you need to know what that thing is, and whether your signal means "stop everything" or something different.

Jill is entitled to feel jealous, yes. It's important that she isn't made to be ashamed of her feelings. They are natural. But then you need to identify what the problem is.

Because monogamy is portrayed as the "normal" and "right" thing, I assume everyone she asked would have told her that she can't let you do that, that it's wrong, etc.

But this image of someone who matches you 100% and fills 100% of your needs 100% of the time is wrong and flawed, and that leads people to be disappointed when it doesn't happen. So one thing is definitely to get used to the fact that, no, this is not a realistic scenario.

Mind you, monogamy is possible, and works for some people, and nothing else would work for some people. But that doesn't mean it's right for everyone.

A lot of the jealousy comes from "am I not enough?" and "will he leave me?" kinds of questions. In this cases, reassurance is important. The jealousy doesn't come from your actions as much as it comes from her insecurities. A jealous person will be jealous when they have no reason to be. In this case, society leads her to believe she has reasons to be jealous. Your role is to show to her that she does not, or in other words that you won't leave her for Joy, that you won't love her any less, and so on. It might be slow and it will be hard, but it is possible.

It is definitely a good idea not to go further until she is comfortable. And that might take a while and be frustrating, but otherwise it will be worse afterwards. You can't ignore problems; you need to work them through.

I agree that the child comparison is weird. The first thing that comes to mind is "I don't have sex with kids". I used it for the feelings though, as many people don't have trouble believing you can desire more than one person, what remains is the feelings, and they're not dependent on sex. I also use comparisons with friends, too.

But also, there is the fact that from the post, I don't think there is a sexual relationship between Joy and the OP, so focusing on feelings is a good way to go, and as the mother of several children, I felt she would be able to understand that love doesn't divide, it multiplies.

 

[polyexplorer]

Thanks, Tonberry. I agree that there is usually something underneath the jealousy, and getting to the real reason behind it is what needs to be worked through.

It is a major shift in thinking for me too, having always assumed that monogamy is really the only appropriate long-term relationship. It is a huge jump for me to get my head around polyamory being okay, so how much harder must it be for my wife?

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Monogamy Misconceptions

But this image of someone who matches you 100% and fills 100% of your needs 100% of the time is wrong and flawed, and that leads people to be disappointed when it doesn't happen. So one thing is definitely to get used to the fact that this is not a realistic scenario. Mind you, monogamy is possible, and works for some people, and nothing else would work for some people. But that doesn't mean it's right for everyone.

I totally agree with the idea that no one person can fill all needs for any other individual. But that is not what monogamy is about. I have never met a single mono person who believed that.

I'm always confused by the idea that people need to sleep with someone just because they fill a need their partner doesn't. I ride motorbikes with people other than Redpepper, primarily because she doesn't have a license or a bike. They fulfill that need. But I don't need to have sex with them.

I guess the concept of tying in intimacy with everyone who fills a need just seems a bit too much like bartering, or an excuse for simply wanting to have sex with them. Every time some one makes this statement, it only serves to reinforce the idea that the main focus of poly ideology is to justify the desire/need to have sex with multiple people.

Of course, if the words "needs" is being specifically used towards sexual activity, then the above statement is totally true for some and totally not true for others. Some people have all their needs in this area met by one, while others do not. I totally agree with that.

Hopefully this came out respectfully, Tonberry. I'm gearing up to watch a "debate" at our local university on the nature of monogamy. My hackles are on full alert because I'm suspicious about whether it will be a debate at all, or a one-sided lecture on why I should be non-monogamous. LOL.

 

[surfer]

I've heard many people on this site say that they were able to convince their partners to try polyamory, or help steer them into that direction, but of course this is not going to work on all cases.

I'm giving up hope that my wife will agree to try polyamory.

People change, relationships change, and if there really are "irreconcilable differences," like one person wants monogamy and the other doesn't, there is no shame in ending the relationship and letting both people find another one that is a better fit. Something for you to consider. It might be too scary to think about right now, but a month or a year from now, if you're still not happy, it might seem like the least hurtful way out of situation that's painful for everyone involved.

Mono, you made a similar reply to one of my posts. I agree that the "needs" rhetoric can seem like making excuses to have sex with someone, except in the case of sexual needs, as you mentioned. However, when it's about emotional needs, it's not as clear-cut, because it's definitely possible to get some emotional fulfillment from non-sexual friendships, but deep emotional connection is hard to get outside of a romantic relationship, at least in American culture, it seems to me.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

People change, relationships change, and if there really are "irreconcilable differences" like one person wants monogamy and the other doesn't, there is no shame in ending the relationship and letting both people find another one that is a better fit. .

This is a very important point. There is no failure and should not be a sense of disapointment in one' self.

Mono, you made a similar reply to one of my posts. But deep emotional connection is hard to get outside of a romantic relationship, at least in American culture, it seems to me.

I know I sound like a broken record sometimes.

I think I have a problem understanding what this "deep emotional connection" outside of a romantic one is, that people are trying to achieve. I have this same problem trying to understand how Redpepper sees relationships. I think I am too simple in how I conduct relationships to grasp it.

- I have friends that I see every day, but when they are out of sight they're basically out of mind. If I never saw them again, it would have no impact on me. I don't think about them very often. They have no access to information that I consider makes me vulnerable to them.

- I have family friends that I carry a conscious concern for all the time, no matter where they are. I don't need to be in contact with them to be fulfilled, though. Simply knowing they exist is enough. They have limited access to information that I consider makes me vulnerable to them.

- I have an intimate partner, Redpepper, with whom I am completely open. She has full access to information that I consider makes me vulnerable.

Perhaps it is my lack of need for deeper relationships that makes it seem so baffling to me.

Sorry for the hijack.

 

[redpepper]

I agree that there is usually something underneath the jealousy and getting to the real reason behind it is what needs to be worked through...

It is such a major shift in thinking for me too, having always assumed that monogamy is really the only appropriate long-term relationship. It is a huge jump for me to get my head around polyamory being okay. So how much harder must it be for my wife?

Very good insight, I think.

Jealousy is tricky. It would be a valuable exercise, I would think, to sit down with her and get at the root of what that is for her. For me, it means that I have an unmet need. "I want to feel like I am number one," "I want to have more intimacy," "I want more crazy sex," "I need to work out more," "I need your undivided attention"... Who knows what it is for her? If you know, then you can do something about it before even starting to embark on taking on another person with their own complicated needs. Believe me, it's a juggling act.

There is no having one's cake and eating it too. Other than extra love and support, really, the amount of work, especially at the beginning of poly relationships, is phenomenal. That's why I always remind myself and others that there is time. We should take our time. Sometimes it is completely overwhelming to have to juggle other people's shit as well as our own. Why rush to sort it out? Often things get missed. I would think getting your ducks in a row with your wife and her needs would fare you well, if/when you start a relationship with Joy.

Tonberry, I like the friends bit better, I think. But I sometimes treat friendships like I do romantic relationships, which might be why it works for me.

 

[polyexplorer]

Is emotional connection a "need," or perhaps an expression of oneself?

I resonate with your comments, Mono. I know for a large part of my married life I have been perfectly okay with being monogamous. I didn't feel any need or drive to find deep emotional or physical connection with any else besides Jill. Sure, I had friends and family, and they met certain needs. However, I was content to let them be at a certain distance from me. The only person I allowed into the close, intimate part of my life was Jill.

Our life together was happy and we had an amazing relationship. I could never have asked for more!

Then I met Joy.

Notice that I was already happy and content, and wasn't searching to meet any "need" (at least not consciously, I guess). However, in meeting Joy, something inside of me opened up. I found something more in myself, new expressions of myself. And in all of this I started to let her in.

If you had of told me of this scenario a few years earlier, I probably would have looked at you with a strange expression of non-understanding. Why would I "need" to let someone else in? But now, in hindsight, I totally get it. It was always there in me, this part of me, this expression of who I am, to connect at deeper levels with more than just one person. I think I buried it under my passion for my work. I loved my work. Perhaps I was emotionally connected to her as well!? Perhaps for a long time, "she" was my other. (And besides, being the pastor of an evangelical church and polyamory don't exactly mix. It certainly wasn't on my radar.)

In meeting Joy, I realised that my work was a poor substitute for that expression of me to connect at deeper levels. My work was no longer was as important to me. I backed away from the deep emotional connection I had with her (my work) and opened my heart to Joy. This is where things got messy.

Jill was okay with me having another emotional lover, as long as that other lover was my work. She and I were a front-line team in that endevour anyway. We were a threesome, a triad: Jill and me and our work. As a threesome we were making a difference in people's lives, seeing healing happen, promoting community and spiritual well-being. We were all in love!

Jill was not okay when I started replacing our work "lover" with another human being. But as for me, I was tapping into who I really was. It was not a "need." It is an expression of myself.

An interesting question to ponder-- does everyone have that expression of themselves hidden deep within them, and are only some ready and/or wanting to express it?

I agree with you, Redpepper: it's about being patient with Jill. I hope that we can discuss this openly without her shutting down from the idea before even openly considering the possibilities and what it all means for both of us (and for Joy, and anyone else in the future...).

I so badly want to be with my wife forever, but I am also scared that in the long run, I don't know how healthy it is for me to keep shutting down this newfound expression of myself that I have experienced. I wake up every morning with a knot in my stomach, not really wanting to face another day. Not wanting to keep suppressing myself, yet also knowing that this is how it needs to be for now...

 

[SNeacail]

Being the pastor of an evangelical church and polyamory don't exactly mix, and it certainly wasn't on my radar...

My wife was okay with me having another emotional lover, as long as that other lover was my work. She and I were a front-line team in that endeavour. We were a threesome, a triad: Jill and me and our work, making a difference in people's lives, seeing healing happen, promoting community and spiritual well-being. We were all in love!

When you backed away from your work, you backed away from your wife, as well. You were a team and now the team is having to forfeit games because you backed out. You cut out an essential part of her life when you cut it out of yours.

Are you still a pastor? This may be something that needs to be seriously re-evaluated between you and Jill. Can the two of you be a team, helping people in a similar manner without the expectations that come with being a pastor and a pastor's wife?

A personal love interest should not be replacing your life's work. It should be able to enhance it. Is this making you a less effective pastor? Sounds like it. Will you harm your family by pursuing this (i.e., putting yourself out of work)?

I so badly want to be with my wife forever

Then start by making this relationship the best that it can be first, and then go from there. (I know, I just said this in another post, sorry.)

 

[polyexplorer]

Thanks SNeacail,

I am no longer a pastor. Both my wife and I are actually not interested in being involved with church or religion anymore. It is amazing how we have both journeyed this together and come to very similar conclusions at the same time, despite still working through our other issues concerning what happened with Joy. This has been especially amazing considering my wife is also the daughter of a pastor from a very traditional religious background!

You are right, though, in regards to it now leaving a hole where we were once working together as a team, whereas now we have had to pursue individual careers. But having said that, I think this has been a good thing, because she has been able to pursue interests that she perhaps otherwise would not have, and now has a very successful massage, reiki and bowen therapy business. I take my hat off to her! I, on the other hand, have floundered since leaving the work I loved. I couldn't go back for many different reasons, mainly due to a change of thinking around the whole religious system side of things, but I did love the actual work. But I'm also confident that this is a season.

But I agree totally in seeking to make my relationship with my wife the best it can be.

 

[Tonberry]

I totally agree with the idea that no one person can fill all needs for any other individual. But that is not what monogamy is about. I have never met a single mono person who believes that.

I wasn't trying to say that's what monogamy is about. I meant that it's what's portrayed in the media, and that even in monogamous relationships, I've known lots of people who broke up because, "He just wasn't the one [insert small detail here]," people who think of fairy tales and people being perfect for one another.

This part of my post certainly wasn't meant to say "monogamy is thinking that one partner fills all of your needs." What I meant is: the idea that one partner meets all of your needs is pervasive, and makes polyamory harder for people to wrap their minds around. It's wrong in any relationship, mono or poly, and having a husband and a boyfriend doesn't mean that together they meet all of my needs, either.

I also never meant to say you need to have sex. I don't think I talked much about sex in my post, really. But when you do have a strong romantic emotional connection with someone, yes, it can lead to sex. That's not the need, though. Although you can also want casual sex, for instance, and get it outside of the relationship. That's swinging more than polyamory, though.

Maybe I went about it the wrong way. I guess the way I see it isn't exactly that. The way I see it is similar to a friend telling me "If you want to really be my friend, you can't be friends with anyone else, ever." It seems restrictive and mostly, I don't get it. Why? Having other friends is good for when you're not around, plus we can all hang out together, too. And why should YOU decide how many friends I have? What does it have to do with you? What does it take away from you?

Most friends, even close friends, would never ask for something like that. They might object to a specific person because they personally dislike them, or think they're not a good friend to you, but that's it.

I think the way I feel is less "I have needs," and more "I will feel locked up and resentful if you impose these limits on me. Only I have the right to impose them on myself, and I don't see a point to them, so I won't."

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Thanks for clarifying, Tonberry.