Polyamory and STI issues, an update.

[Crowmaiden]

Hey all. I recently posted about contracting genital HSV-1 from my LDR partner. Due to timing, testing, etc. etc. I/we are 99.99% him.

He has 2 other partners who were various shades freaked out initially, but that seems to have simmered down to some extent.

Here's 2 issues I'd like to ask you about.

1. Both girls basically said that they will continue sleeping with him, but they will use condoms. Here's the thing though. He's asymptomatic. I caught the virus from him while he was asymptomatically shedding. Condoms don't protect from this 100%, and since it's HSV-1, they can contract it kissing him, or receiving oral from him (which is how I'm pretty sure I got it). He's said that they told him that if he ever has a breakout, it's over.
Last time I talked to him I asked him to please do some more research and get his head around it, because holy hells, is that not EVER how this virus works or is transmitted.

2. He is feeling unsure if he wants to keep seeing me because he's both feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, but he also doesn't feel we are in the same boat because I had an outbreak and he never has. So I guess there is an "icky" factor at play. He had also said he doesn't know that that means for him and polyamory, but I never got a clear answer about that when I asked him for more details - he really doesn't seem sure himself.

I responded that this was a natural reaction to a foreign entity in my system, like getting the flu, and that I'll be on suppressive drugs now the rest of my life so my risk of breaking out again or shedding the virus will be really low. And it's not like we can re-infect each other. And it's not like he'll be any less HSV-1 positive if he dumps me.
He's younger than I am (I grew up in the 80's where AIDS was making it's rounds so my friends and I got real smart on all kinds of sexual health), and just jumped out of a 10 year monogamous marriage and right into poly (and this happened) so I understand he's freaking out, but FFS. He gave me this and is not showing up to be supportive, or to be a teammate.

Where I left it was to encourage him to do more research on the issue and gave him some more time to think and process it.

As someone in a poly situation, what the hell is my responsibility here? All three of them don't seem educated about this virus at all. I told him that quite a bit of his information wasn't correct, corrected that information, and then encouraged him to do more research (directed him to places like the CDC website). I am assuming that's all I can do? And let them make their own decisions and risks?

I've decided that if he comes back and says "hey, sorry, I really want to remain friends but I just can't have a sexual relationship with you." I'll walk entirely. I probably should walk now, but I'm not ready to do that emotionally yet." But I'm preparing myself to say "Yeah, I get that's where you are but that's not where I am and I can't even be friends with you with that decision."

I can't be with someone who gives me a virus and then doesn't have my back in the aftermath. I'm trying to give him a chance to get his head straight, because I understand how freaked out everyone is, but...eh, IDK. Love the guy a lot, but being told that he's not sure he feels right being with me because I had a breakout from something he gave to me is kinda beyond the pale here.

Thoughts, anyone? I appreciate all the feedback I've gotten, just continue to really struggle both with the poly thing and now with this illness I've contracted.

 

[KC43]

In my personal opinion, your responsibility to *others* ended with telling your partner that you'd had an outbreak, so he and his other partners could attend to their own health. It is not your responsibility to educate them on how HSV works or is contracted. It isn't even really your responsibility to suggest that they do research, though it's probably a good thing you did. Your ONLY responsibility, as I see it, was to say "Hey, I had this outbreak, you should probably get tested."

However, now you need to address your responsibility to *yourself*. That might include deciding that you need a more respectful, supportive partner, preferably one who actually knows things about sexual health. Or it might include just letting him take his break and seeing what he decides to do from there. You're the only one who can really make that call. But I would say it's time to stop worrying about your responsibility to *them* and take care of yourself, physically and emotionally.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Crowmaiden,

Sorry you're still stuck with this HSV-1 problem. I wonder, does your LDR partner want to make you think that *you* gave the infection to *him?*

Anyway, I agree with KC43 that you've already done all you could/should for the others; now's the time for you to take care of you. Sorry you're in this difficult situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Wrencher]

I don't think you can, or should do anything further in regards to informing them about transmission of the virus. But, I do think you should tell him how you feel about the lack of support, and how he is treating you throughout this ordeal. If you haven't already, that is. It may light a fire under his butt to make a decision, and/or stop treating you as if you infected him.

 

[AJM]

we didn't get HSV tested because planned parenthood told us the CDC has stopped recommending HSV testing (unless you have an outbreak / symptoms) because 75% of people test positive for it anyway. I'll have to dig deeper into the CDC site for the source.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

There's no objective answer here. Your responsibility ends wherever you'll stop feeling guilty if you don't do it. If you'll feel bad about yourself for not informing the metamours that they're not as safe as they think, that they should get tested, and that they can still transmit the disease even if they're not breaking out... then do those things. It won't cost you anything, and could prevent other people from getting infected.

I understand where both you and your boyfriend are coming from. You mentioned in the other post that he was going through his old tests to see if he was negative. Did he ever find those results? If he wasn't tested before, and if he's never had a breakout, then I can see why he would be skeptical that he's the one who infected you. And given that, I can understand why he would less than supportive of your infection, when for all he knows you're the one who gave it to him. You've got good reason to believe he infected you (your results have been clear until now, and you had an outbreak right after sleeping with him), and he's got good reason to believe you infected him (he's never had an outbreak, and he's never tested positive until now). The truth of the matter is no one will ever know 100% for sure.

At the end of the day, it doesn't much matter does it? This is how he responds to a crisis. This is how he supports (or doesn't) loved ones in their crises. Is that the kind of person you need in your life right now?